Everything Wrong
With
"After the Party"
(by Charles Spratt)

in 1700 words or less.

Spoilers!!

(duh)

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Why had she thrown a party? Because, why not? Some days you just need to do something all of a sudden, and you just do it. This was one of those days.

Don't worry, I don't think anyone reading is even questioning why Pinkie would be throwing a party at any particular moment, so there's no need to explain this off. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 1

Either way, that wasn’t really important to Pinkie, who closed the door and looked around the room.

So the previous 4 sentences were deliberately used to describe "unimportant" thoughts? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 2

It definitely wasn’t a small party, judging by how many times she’d blasted the party cannon, leaving an enormous mess of streamers and confetti all over the floor.

You were there, weren't you, Pinkie? I'm pretty sure you don't need to deduce out of the condition of the room how the party went. Just recall it from memory. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 3

Pinkie stared at Vinyl for a minute. During that minute, Vinyl noticed she was being stared at and brought her attention back at Pinkie. They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment before Pinkie shook her head and went to the broom closet.

"Stared" 3 times, 3 fast. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 4

Pinkie was busy sweeping up the confetti, which was odd, considering that Pinkie’s Party Cannon had a reverse function and could easily have sucked up all the mess with a flick and a push.

How would that work? I can accept it'll work like a vaccum of sorts, but if it's strong enough to drag in all the streamers and confetti while staying put, it is strong enough to try and suck up other objects as well, thus potentially creating another type of mess entirely. And it doesn't proceed to say that "it's magic", because later in the fic the Party Cannon is explained off as Pinkie's own invention, and she's an earth pony. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 5

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” yelled Pinkie Pie

Oh, she was yelling? I wouldn't have guessed. Thanks for clarifying that. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 6

“Hear what?” asked Vinyl. The second Pinkie heard those words, she gasped in utter shock and asked, “You can talk?”

Two different characters talking in the same line/paragraph. This is not the only time it happens, *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 7

Also, it may be true that Vinyl never actually spoke in the presence of Pinkie on the shots we got in the series, but how did you invite her to be in this particular party then? Vinyl has no reason not to talk back, and I assume the invitation was done in person and not by letter since Pinkie's very outgoing and was shown to deliver invitations in person on the series before.. Did Vinyl just hear it, nod and went back home? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 8

“It’s not exactly a secret, Pinkie. If there wasn’t something on your mind, then you’d probably be smiling while you cleaned, especially after a party like that one.”

No, she wouldn't. Even if she didn't have anything on her mind, cleaning is still boring. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 9

And I expected Vinyl to bring up the Party Cannon reversal feature that was mentioned before if she was going to make any argument. Otherwise, what was the point of it? Was Pinkie apparently being sad not weird enough? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 10

Pinkie sighed and said, “Ok, yes, there is something on my mind. Before I begin though, I’d like to ask if there’s a couch around here that I could lie down on.”

I'll let Vinyl handle this one.

“You tell me. You’re the one who set the place up.”

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 11

“Well, I’ve just been wondering about my existence.” Began Pinkie, “I mean, would the other ponies actually miss me if I… went missing, let’s say?”

I'm gonna assume that "Pinkie-having-an-existencial-crisis" is a cliché by now. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 12

Also, if you go missing, they will miss you. Because you're miss-ing.
... Humor. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 13

If all I can do is create smiles by party/zaniness, then that seems like kind of an unfulfilling life, since it can’t last.

I dare anyone to listen to the Smile Song and immediately try to write something like this sentence. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 14

Vinyl thought carefully about this. She may not be good at psychiatry (like, at all)

I guess it's way too easy to think that Pinkie Pie has a mental disorder, huh? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 15

Whenever I see you, I see a pony who not only thinks outside the box, but breaks down all four walls of said box.

Especially the fourth.

"Hey!" *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 16

I mean, you have a Party Cannon, for Celestia’s sake! A piece of heavy artillery designed to blast out streamers, balloons, and various other party items!

Calling the Party Cannon "heavy artillery" probably speaks volumes of Equestria's current status and research on war equipment. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 17

There’s no way you just bought something like that at a store… is there?”

Maybe? After all, there's this place selling questionable items...

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 18

“What exactly are you getting at, Vinyl? Yes, I made a Cannon strictly for celebrations.

"Strictly" meaning here "whenever I don't need it to fend off a changeling invasion". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 19

It’s still for making others smile, you know? If I were to disappear, wouldn’t that creativity just fall into the ‘pick-me-up’ category?”(...)

“Well, that depends. Has your creativity inspired anypony? If it did, then it wouldn’t just be a pick me up.”

"Pick-me-up" was used twice with hyphens already, then it's not. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 20

“Alrighty then, DJPon3, clearly you have an example, so let’s hear it. Can you name anypony who’s been inspired by me?” asked Pinkie in a somewhat skeptical voice.

She's just asked you, Pinkie, so clearly she doesn't have an example at the tip of her tongue! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 21

Also, suddenly calling Vinyl "DJ Pon3" despite having not used that name before in the entire fic. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 22

And what's with the sudden change of tone? I know it's trying to simulate Pinkie getting a bit bitter over it all, but in the way it is written, it feels extremely unnatural. It is written like how a mystery game would phrase the question right before prompting the player to give an answer, not like natural dialog. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 23

“Cheese Sandwich”

Cheese Sandwich. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 24

Also, there's a period missing here. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 25

“Oh…” said Pinkie as she remembered. Vinyl had a point. Cheese had sung a song about how he never would’ve become a party pony if it weren’t for Pinkie Pie, and the point really hit home.

So far, we have been following Vinyl's relative point of view. Suddenly we see what Pinkie's thinking and feeling. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 26

“Even so, that’s just one pony who doesn’t even live around here” Said Pinkie after a bit of contemplation, “Do you know any others, preferably ones who live here in Ponyville?”

Ponyville is apparently the only town Pinkie cares about. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 27

“You? But, you were a DJ even before I got to Ponyville! How did I inspire you?”

The only time you can ever be inspired by someone is apparently when you're starting something completely new. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 28

“I may have been a DJ before you got here, but I didn’t actually start writing music until that time at the Canterlot wedding.

A Canterlot Wedding. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 29

I was just watching along with the rest of the crowd, when you just pulled me out of the crowd all of a sudden, gave me one record and a bunch of various switches and buttons for alterations, and just said to wing it, which I did, despite my heart nearly pounding out of my chest.

Ah, yes.

How could I forget your distress in those scenes?

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 30

As you already know, they went viral, and made me into the musical star that I am today.

How does something go viral in Equestria? There aren't any specific tools that everypony may have to reproduce music. And if she just means they went viral through her own performance, well, Ponyville seems too small to launch a musical star's carrer. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 31

“Vinyl?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for the talk” She said in a gracious yet still relatively calm voice.

What's up with ponies doing thing graciously! I love Pinkie Pie, but gracious is not something I'd attribute to her on... anything. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 32

“I really haven’t felt sure about anything recently, which is probably why I decided to throw this party.

Does the author still feel the need to justify why Pinkie threw a party? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 33

She walked to her party cannon, flipped the switch, and sucked all the mess back into her Party Cannon.

She also catches Vinyl in the vaccum effect and she stays captive within the party cannon until her number is up. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 34

She then started rolling the cannon back to Sugarcube Corner.

Rolling the cannon? Sounds like an ineffective means of transport. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 35

Also, this part reminds the reader that we have no idea of where this party actually takes place, nor will we have any by the end of this. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 36

Before she left though, she looked over her shoulder and said, “See you later, Vinyl!”

Shoulders. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 37

While she did that, she only had one thing to say. "Wow, who would've thought?" Vinyl said to herself.

Announcing one thing the character will say and following it up with a re-iteration that they said that. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 38

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Fanfic Sin Tally: 38
Sentence: Taken over by Vinyl's viral hits. ("Virus" viral ones)

3570205 Nicely done. Nothing else to say except cheers