Big Tavi Lil Tavi Cardboard Box
By All Art is Quite Useless

This is a fluffy OctaScratch story. Not much else, really. At least as far as I got with it.

Grammar.
Is pretty good. I did not notice any major things that would give me pause reading this thing.
Ocassional capitalisation error and bad sentence structure would be my main gripes here.
26/30

Style.
This is....weird. Wrong, even. Author makes attempts at rather complex english, and the more I read it, the more I am sure that it just does not work. Words are shoehorned into places they rather plainly don't belong, the sentence strucure is just not right, and many a time I felt that rather than read text I had to guess what the author intended to say - not because the sentence is incomprehensible or grammatically wrong, but just because it fails to live up to what it should be.
The same goes for jokes in the fic. I can see what the intention of the joke or a gag was, but it just does not come alive within the text - its not funny and it's not even witty, though the idea behind it certainly has merit.
On a more nuts and bolts side of things, the paragraphs could be done better, I think - the thoughts should be separated into paragraphs of their own.
Marginally better than JackAnarchy, but not by much. 14/30

Plot.
It seems to be (based off the four chapter I've read) and the tags, a slice of life, so I did not come in expecting much. However, even that does not deliver well - the pacing is entirely horrlbly wrong, bogged down by unnecessary step-by-step and downright boring details. I honestly have no interest in knowing the banking practices and procedures of the Poniville bank, or the state of Vinyl's bank account, painstakingly exposited for over half a chapter, and seems to be a giant "Take that!" to the personal banking workers which... I dont care about at all.
Im not a fan of alternating POV, especially with not enough distinction between them, though its done reasonably enough, and the character of Vinyl is unusual...but not interesting, not so far.
15/30

Personal preference:
I think the word of this fic was "padding". It tries too hard, and fails due to that. Too much complex words where simpler ones would do, to much description and details where a skip and handwave are called for, too long jokes that cease to be funny due to their length, and etc.
Simplify.
Meanwhile - 4/10

Total Tally: 59.
Sorry to say, but " Things Tavi Says" is still orders of magnitude better.
No cigar, try again.

5797614 Do you think the fic could have worked if it didn't have the padding... was the main idea solid?

Also, could you provide a link to the fic, please?

5800730
If this fic resolved it's pacing and style problems... it would've been an entirely different fic. But yes, one much more interesting to read.

Okay, so first I would like to say that I'm very grateful for how quickly you managed to get this done, second, I'm going to be just as blunt in my response as you were in the post above.

I'll do this chronologically. First thing worth mentioning is you calling my story a 'fluffy octascratch fic'. First point of reference here would be the character tags. This story is not solely focused upon Vinyl and Octavia existing in cohesion, the strengthening of their bond or by any means a relationship between them, therefore I wouldn't call it an octascratch. I mean, they kind of come as a pair anyway, that's been canonisised now. Besides, Vinyl is the main focus in this story. As for it being 'fluff', well, I'm not well versed on fan fic terminology; but if you're implying that it's all light hearted and comical I really don't think you've scratched the surface. (Pun not intended.) 'As far as I got with it' is a crucial point too. You have said that you read four chapters (about 8000 words in the space of a few days) but from the review, I can only see evidence of you having read two. The third and fourth chapter aren't even referenced in the text and that hardly screams 'comprehensive review' to me, even making an allowance for the fact that roughly a quarter of my fic was actually read.

Grammar eh? Now I'm not someone to sit around and pretend that I have impeccable writing skills, and that I never make a mistake, but I will say a couple of things here: First of all, I'm British English, therefore I use a different lexis, have different syntax in my sentences, different idioms, spellings, punctuation rules, dialects, etymology, you name it. British English and American English just do not work together. If you try to mix them together, that doesn't work either. So maybe the reviewer is used to reviewing things written in American English, or just isn't versed in British English, I couldn't say. Second point is that I'm actually studying English Language at degree level (I'm an English major) and I don't think I've ever had four marks taken off of an essay for grammar from one of my professors before. My lecturers are PhD qualified. Besides, if I have made a grammatical error, it'd be nice to have it pointed out. (Although I do understand it's not the reviewers job to be a proofreader) Third point is that I detected more spelling, speech and sentence structure errors in the review for my fic than I could find in my story, and the review is like one percent of the size. If you're going to criticise my story for how it is written, please write that criticism correctly, or ask someone better qualified to take over.

On to style. I'll bring it up again: English language degree. British English. First off, I think I have a handle on 'complex words' (all of the words I use in my writing are those I would implement during real life conversation) and second, I would like to give my readers more credit than to assume that they can't understand the things I am writing. You said that it was difficult to understand what I was saying at times, nobody else seems to have had this issue thus far. Moreover, please don't tell me that 'words are shoehorned into places where they rather plainly don't belong' if you're going to contradict yourself whilst saying it. In that sentence, what role does the word 'rather' play? It's an adverb, describing how apparent it is, it could be argued, but an ambiguous one at that, definitely unnecessary. You say you couldn't understand sentences which were not incomprehensible. What kind of oxymoron is that? If you are able to comprehend something, you can understand it, as far as I am aware at least. Also, going back to grammar, where you state that there was nothing which really gave you pause whilst reading, this appears to be another contradiction in your review. As for your reason behind not being able to grasp what I'm saying being that 'it just fails to live up to what it should be', don't give me that. If you have a reason to say something, a clear, unopinionated reason based upon something concrete, then share it. If not, keep it out of reviews, and leave it for YouTube comment sections, biased opinions, as well as those with nothing empirical to back them up, are unprofessional. As for you not liking the jokes in the fic, I'll concede that. If you don't like the jokes you don't like them, I can't force you to be amused. I do feel how funny a fic is should come under 'personal preference' though. (I'm sceptical as to whether personal preference is really 10% of the mark if I'm honest)

You don't like the pacing, why? Don't just say 'I don't like the pacing' like we're all to assume that you're some kind of authority on suitable story pacing. I don't know if you really know anything about what you're saying from your simple statement, so explain it. If I wanted someone to just tell me 'it's good' or 'it's shit' I would just look at my upvotes and downvotes. Okay, so you're not big on slice of life, fair enough, good thing that unprofessional bias isn't creeping up, isn't it? But I didn't write this fic for you, I didn't tailor my story to my reviewer, so keep it in personal preference, tell me there what your opinions on slice of life are, please. You feel details are unnecessary, I say they drive the story forwards. There's little to nothing in those chapters which I mentioned that doesn't come into play at some point. Maybe you don't realise because you only read four (arguably two) chapters, but this 'fluffy' fic has a pretty intricate plot. If getting there involves a little drawn out exposition, ah well, did you expect the literary genius of Dostoevsky? As for the pacing, the time frame is pretty regular, supporting characters have a similar level of exposure, arcs have a similar number of chapters and words, and the separating chapters are named to show that break, then move on to the next section. If that doesn't amount to reasonable pacing, I don't know what does. You don't care about the bank, cool. The thing is, this isn't some grandiose adventure fic. It's a SoL/drama, one which focuses on day to day life, not on the amazing and extravagant. If you don't want to read about things which occur in everyday life, don't agree to read and review a SoL fic, then complain when the bank scene is too boring and technical. I'd venture to say that SoL authors actually have a very hard job injecting fun and excitement into something which still has to come across as feasible, logical, and adhering to canon. AU and adventure authors can just go world building and character inventing and rip off every trope they can find, I can't do that. If the end result is a scene about a bank that isn't to everyone's tastes, ah well. As for it 'seeming to be a "take that" to personal banking workers', I'll assume you took that from the comments, as it was in no way clear in the text. In fact, I have to wonder just how much of your review was formed from the comments of others, because behind the contradictions and nonsensical statements present, as well as the vague and ambiguous areas, I don't see much in the form of original criticism. Namely, things which haven't been said before. Not a fan of alternating POV eh? Is the question whether you are a fan of alternating POV, or whether it works for the fic? Save it for the personal preference section. Okay, so 'the character of Vinyl is not interesting so far'? That's just it, isn't it? Should you really read 8000 words of a 30000 word fic and then comment on how interesting you find a character whom is still being introduced? I suppose you can, but you should make a point of the fact that you've not read enough to really know.

Padding. That's what I get after all that? 'Stop describing things and giving details, stop using complex words and stop making long jokes'. (excuse me I'm paraphrasing.) So let me sum up: You pretty much tell me that SoL (and the elements that go along with it) are boring, but then you tell me to take away that which gives it any character. Maybe you're right, maybe I should take out all of the the factors which make it in any way complex, so it reads as if it was just a list of things Vinyl happened to be doing with her day. I'm sure that would be interesting. No, the only benefit of simplifying it would be that idiots and young children would then be able to read it. I mean, you didn't like the bank scene, you made that clear. Now, imagine if I took your advice. Picture the bank scene with no explanations or details, how boring would it be then?

I'm not even going to get into how different 'the things tavi says' and my fic are, they're not even comparable, completely different stories, just contain a couple of the same characters. (Unless I'm to understand that it's the benchmark against which all Vinyl orientated fics are to be appraised? That seems silly.) Also, orders of magnitude, really?

Nice attempt at a review. I don't feel you really pointed anything out, but thanks for trying, I'm grateful for the time you took to have a look, but not satisfied with the result. Also, you didn't mention a single redeeming feature the story had. Maybe you didn't think it contained any, but then how did it get 59 marks? Seems arbitrary to me. A little annoyed that your admin had to remind you to link the story, but everyone makes mistakes. You also had to be subtlety coaxed by said admin into actually saying something constructive about the fic, in a separate comment. Could that not have been mentioned in the review?

Thanks for the effort, I'll be interested to see if I get a reply containing some form of explanation.

AAIQU

Oh. Wow. Fuck off
No really, seriously, get bent. You asked for my opinion, there you have it, written fresh as I read your fic.
You don't like it? You think it's unfair? Did I hurt your wittle feelings?
Tough cookies, I don't give a crap.

As a courtesy I owe you as a member of the group, I am willing to clarify my markings, if you actually ask comprehensible and non-confrontational questions. If not - see above as to what you can do in regards to your displeasure with my review.

5802143 Came in this a bit late, my bad.

Nice attempt at a review. I don't feel you really pointed anything out, but thanks for trying, I'm grateful for the time you took to have a look, but not satisfied with the result.

Don't act like this to reviewers unless if you want them to not respond.
I would appreciate it if you would understand that this is not a paid service, and therefore the fact that the story was reviewed in relative quality, based on the reviewer's opinion, should be enough for you. If you don't feel this group is good enough for you, it would recommended to try finding another group, or person to review it.

...That said, I do know British English, so I wanted to see if I could spot any issues through reading it.

feeling the floor's fibrillation increasing in intensity as the ground shook relentlessly

You used this in real life conversation? God, I hope not.

...feeling the floor shake with intensity
...into the main room, the ground shaking relentlessly

These would work better. Half the sentence is redundant otherwise.
(This was really the only 'complex word' I had an issue with, the rest was mostly fine. Do take care that you're not presenting this at Oxford, so you should at least try to bend the wording so people can understand it here, or you will no doubt find people confused by it)

"NO I DO NOT WANT IN! I WANT YOU TO TURN THIS-- HOLD ON, UK?"

^...TURN THIS-- Hold on, UK?"
Capitalisation was used waaaay too frequently on this first bit. Make sure it doesn't get annoying to the reader, similar to explanation-point overusage, or ellipsis.
There also hasn't been any description of what the characters are doing during this conversation, which isn't required, but it would be nice to immerse the reader.
^this happens sporadically later in the fic-- the thought sequences in chapter 2, for instance, have no description as to what she's doing either.
It breaks up long-paragraphs, which is important for digital reading. In a book, this may not be such a large issue.

Chapter 2:

As Vinyl swiftly trotted to the bank, she pondered the events of the day previous, carefully considering what had happened, and the ramifications of the Bassenator's mishap. She felt that the experience, once the sound system had been turned up to the max, had been extremely immersive, not only satisfying for her, but potentially beneficial also.

^ Yes, it technically works, but using commas all the time, such as how I'm doing it right now, is obtrusive to one's perception and, in conclusion, makes everything waaaay too long.
This happens frequently past chapter 2. It really just slows down everything. I'd be annoyed if i had to read it, and I don't remember having such a pain with The CoN (even if they were pretty lengthy too)

twenty grand

20,000 bits

^well, hold on, you're using both for a similar reason...
Consistency is important.

The thought gave her pause. As an unstated rule, neither mare went in the other's room very often, and never while they were gone. In truth, though they had lived together for over a year and a half, and generally got along quite well, they did not know each other especially well on a personal basis. At their current stage of relationship, one going into the other's room uninvited ran along the same lines of a violation of privacy, yet Octavia considered it anyway. Would she really mind? Her room is closer to the living room after all, and there's more chance it was damaged during the mishap. Plus, she's been out running errands, so she hasn't been able to tackle it herself, I would be doing her a favour, wouldn't I? Octavia considered these thoughts as she inched closer to Vinyl's room, feeling a slight guilt mixing in her stomach along with a small excitement to explore the domain of her curious roommate. You are trying to justify yourself. I am not, my reasons are perfectly valid! Keep telling yourself that Octavia.

^This is the start of a large amount of long paragraphs. This wouldn't be an issue... if you started out that way. The way this is written, it's more for an audience who is reading in book-format, rather than digital.
This is actually an issue. Readers expecting shorter paragraphs will be put off. I've seen book-form done well on fimfic... can't remember the author, but they started long, and ended long.

I didn't find that the majority of this broke away from my interest of reading it (except the comma usage and long paragraphs), I'd even go so far as to say that words weren't really 'shoehorned in', as a lot of them come from dialect, but you do have to know your audience.

If you're going to write this way in a fic, make sure to preface it saying that you write with complex English, or else people will expect the absent.

And please don't batter the contributors who spend a long time doing something for you out of their own good intention.
(Perhaps I should write in my folder that "Yo/Good day, I can do American/British English" or something)

5802143
5802350
5802288

Not going to address characterization, since I didn't read that far into it; but as far as language and grammar, there are some issues. Vocabulary is fine, I don't really have any complaints about "big words" myself. However, what I did see is a good deal of redundant language and excessively purple prose. You have an tendency toward sesquipedalian loquaciousness, using larger words when smaller ones would be preferable for both meaning and flow. Remember, "True eloquence consists in saying all that is necessary, and nothing but what is necessary." You may find it preferable to limit your target audience with your choice of vocabulary and literary devices, Luna knows I certainly do that too; but if you do that, then you're being a bit disingenuous when you blame your audience for a lack of comprehension. To put this more succinctly, stop trying so hard to sound clever. It isn't working, and merely makes your prose needlessly obtuse.

Sentence construction is odd at times. Speaking as someone who grew up with both British and American English, there really isn't that much difference between them aside from spelling. What I found is a lot of choppiness resulting from overuse of commas, and using short, simple sentences where longer, more complex ones would provide a better rhythm to the text. Oddly, this isn't consistent, and there are instances of the opposite problem — run-on sentences used where separation into shorter, more concise statements would improve the flow. There are also a number of errors in comma use, which can be noted even in the story's description.

Octavia has recently had new, bespoke shelves, drawers and furnishings delivered, specifically designed to withstand the thumping bass of Vinyl's monstrous sound system.

The correct construction would be "Octavia has recently had new bespoke shelves, drawers, and furnishings delivered, specifically designed to withstand the thumping bass of Vinyl's monstrous sound system." The comma after "new" is out of place; and in this case the Oxford comma is beneficial.

I've also noticed expository issues as well; for example, Vinyl's three-paragraph internal monologue early in chapter 2. This is probably about twice as long as it needs to be. Having characters describe their feelings rather than expressing them is poor form when writing conversational dialog. When writing internal dialog, doing so simply fails to make sense. Characters do not need to describe to themselves how they feel. Expressing that feeling to readers would be better done through word choice and descriptions of body language and other actions. AKA "Show, Don't Tell".

There are also some painfully bad word choices. For example:

she began to dissociate with her surroundings

This is incorrect. One dissociates from, not with. Further, specifying that she's dissociating from her surroundings isn't necessary; since it would be effectively understood. "she began to dissociate". Of course, the entire paragraph is clumsy in general. To give a broader example based on this paragraph, as an editor I would change this:

As Vinyl trudged along, dragging her lead laden mind with her, she began to dissociate with her surroundings. Vinyl was no longer paying any attention to where she was going or what she was doing, she drifted without grace, gravitating toward the closest grocery store, a small establishment ran by a middle aged stallion named Custom Fit.

to this:

As Vinyl trudged along dragging her leaden mind, she began to dissociate; no longer paying the slightest attention to where she was going or what she was doing. She drifted along without grace, gravitating toward the nearest grocery store, a small establishment run by a middle-aged stallion named Custom Fit.

As you can see, there are more than a few technical errors there, besides the clumsiness. Such as the fact that "middle-aged" is a hyphenated compound word. There are other expository issues as well, text that really tells us nothing useful about the characters or story, such as the backstory around Custom Fit, almost none of which is essential to the character or scene.

What I've found helps considerably in structuring my writing is reading it aloud, either myself, or through the use of one of the numerous free text-to-speech applications available online. Doing that, it becomes much easier to suss out the various flaws or sub-optimal constructions; and get a better feel for flow and pacing.

And keep in mind that no one here is going to be terribly impressed by any claimed credentials, English major or not. What does impress is quality of writing, which you could use considerable more attention to. I realize that it can be difficult to adequately judge the quality of one's own prose, which is why editors are not only helpful, they're vital.

5802350
5802689
Thanks for pitching in guys.
That being said, I really don't think that the sort of confrontational attitude that the AAIQU has shown deserves to be rewarded with more detailed reviews.
Heck, it almost tempts me to start bitching like a little girl about reviews I got, if it would give so much attention to my own stuff )

5802774

I wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't felt it would be productive to do so. I've gotten bad responses from authors that were clearly not interested in anything but fawning praise; but I felt that a bit of calm and reasonable criticism here might not go amiss.

And, to be entirely blunt, your English could use a bit of polishing.

5802689
5802350

First of all, thank you very much for saying your piece. I'm sorry that I can't currently type out a full response, as I'm having a very long and busy week, but suffice to say for now that both of your criticisms have been greatly beneficial. I would like to thank you both for clarifying some of the issues apparent in my story, and doing so in a reasonable manner. I feel as if I have learnt something from your appraisals of the review, and now have multiple changes I wish to implement as soon as I can, thanks to your assistance.

I do understand this isn't a paid service, yes, and I can safely say that my opinion of the group and its staff has been more than salvaged by the responses below. I realise that my response may have come across as flippant and condescending in parts, but I had quite a few issues with the content of the review, which I felt misrepresented my story in multiple ways. Contrary to the author's belief, I was not upset, I just wanted a clear and accurate review. (Meaning I didn't mind him disliking it, finding it unfunny or finding Vinyls character boring.)

I plan to make sure I'm hitting up the right reviewer for my story before offering it up in future. I feel that's the best way to mitigate situations such as this.

I will write a more in depth response to your criticisms as soon as I can. As aforementioned, they are greatly appreciated.

AAIQU