Celestia Spat On My Grave

By: SurrenderedEndeavour

Review by: Cromegas_Flare

reviewers tags: Dark, light gore.

So, before I start... I just want to share that to add on to the atmosphere, there are 9 police cars parked in front of my house hunting down..... well they won't tell us, so I don't know.

Any way, I have had this story on my list for a while. Read it, then life got really busy before I could type up a review. Now here I am ready to role. Unfortunatlly, I don't have a commentary for you guys today. So Mr. Endeavor if you want a commentary, let me know and I'll edit it in for you. (I already know my commentaries suck, so I am expecting nay on that.)

Wow, this story tickled my fancy. Reading through it made me feel unsure on who's side to take. So let me begin with the Rubric.

Execution/Presentation

The story seems to take the Point of view of a mysterious pony, an OC in first person. This could be noticed by how many times "I", "Me", and "Mine" were used in the narrative. Those words, when used outside the quotation marks create a 1st person style. Though this style is rough to read at times, when done right it is easily enjoyable. In this particular story however, the 1st person narrative could improve a bit. We do get a good taste of what he is thinking, and his initial attitude, yet other then his thoughts, we miss out in his feelings, and passion. Don't get me wrong however, his passion is there. It could be improved still though. I'll share how in the tips. At least it was presented well, so that counts for something. If there were any inconsistency in POV, I missed it by being immersed in the story.

The over all style was interesting, being placed in a prison cell. Yet, despite all the glory and peace Equestria has, the guards are ruthless and abusive. There, now you have a taste of darkness here. I would not call a death sentence dark though, more of a Slice of Life occasion. This opinion is probably due to me living so close to a penitentiary, I am used to what goes on. So all in all, I am still lacking in a classic or original feel of Darkness. There is the ruthless guards, yes. Other then that, it is the ponies own confusion in his individual mind that keeps a slight feeling of dispersal.

In the Flow of the story however, I got some sentences that mixed with the tense of the story. Example:

I relinquish myself to the one thing I have lived so many years without... and finally fall into a deep sleep.

It would be best to re-write the whole last sentence, because replacing fall with fell, well that would create a time tense anomaly. (Yes, usage of the word anomaly is used). I would recommend keeping it present tense then past tense.

Mood

Now, lets see.... in the mood.

It seems like the Intended mood was to put the reader into the feel of remorse and anger. All at the same time wonder.

However the mood I gained through reading this story was to the lines of: Having that feeling of remorse and anger to the pony. Yet I felt nothing for him, the as the story progressed I felt a little more for the guy. Just not very much.

To help bring out the mood, I would suggest spending more time on who the pony is. True, we don't need to know his name. Knowing his passions will help though; not just one passion, but his many passions. Help us find reason to care for the pony, or hate him. Recognize though, the more is written in 1st person present tense, the harder this will be. I am confidant that you can build your skills to punch us where it counts... the feels.

Grammar

Through the story I notice very little punctuation errors, little things that an Editor or Pre-reader could find. Then there were also the stagmented sentences that I often make myself. All in all, other then what I have shown.... I give it an A

SALT:
I was slightly board through the story, as in there was not allot for me to relate to. To fix his I would recommend a friend to relate to, or even personal relations to Luna. Even something as small as receiving letters from people who care about him. You don't have to do these things, but adding in another character will help move the story along. Maybe have a guard see his side of things.... how would that go for both of them?

Now, I also had a hard time seeing why he was in prison, as in what exactly did he do the hurt the princess? These questions could of course be answered later, but they are still avoided up to this point. The good news is, your story is gripping enough to bring the reader to the third chapter. When writing it out, keep their attention.

SUGAR:
Now, things in the story I found praise worthy..... I loved the over style of it being his point of view. I especially loved that fact that we have yet know his name. I also enjoyed the guards distaste for him, and how they abuse him consistently.

Surrender, you have successfully helped the reader see how great Luna was appreciated, just by one pony's thoughts.

Rating

{I enjoyed it}

I have absolutely no regrets reading this story, and I don't feel like it was a waste of my time. Yes there were some things that bothered me while reading, and may bother other readers. The unique concept should pull you in alone.

Mr. Flare signing out