No! Not the Tickle Monster! ->by superpony55

First a few things. This is the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group. Now, with that out of the way, I'm not going to bomb on this story because, well... it just wasn't for me. However, I know that these "cute" stories are extremely popular, so to avoid any hate directed at me I'm going to try and remain as hospitable as possible.

Initial description is as follows: The tickle monster is chasing Twily! What will she do?

Mood:

This is a tough one, because it's hard for me to get into the mood for these kinds of stories. It starts off immediately with dialogue between Twiliy and Shining(Tickle Monster), which I don't really think should be an appropriate way to start any story, even if it's barely over 1,000 words. I can't get a mood if there's no initial defining exposition, at least for me. Yeah, I could pretty much tell from the title and the thumbnail pic what it was going to be about, but still...

Another thing that kinda put me off was the pacing. Now, I've been guilty of this myself plenty of times in my own writes, but this story is about 75% dialogue which is very dialogue HEAVY. Yes it's cutesy and all, and told from filly Twilight's perspective who calls her parents "Mommy" and "Daddy."

But moving on.

With this much cute dialogue, and told from a simplistic point of view, it all comes at you very fast. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but there were times when I needed to read a sentence twice to get what was going on.

Still, the mood of the story was overall upbeat, rarely, if ever getting serious.

Grammar: Well, if rating on a scale from 1 to 5, I guess... it'd be a 4. I won't harp on it, because it's not my style, but this sentence right here. vvvvv

Meanwhile, Mommy raced over the Shining Armor.

Moving on...

Style:

Now, I covered some of this in the mood section already, but since it is told from filly Twilight's perspective it is simplistic. Don't let it detract from the story however, as it doesn't ruin it or anything. I get what the author was trying to do here and maintain a semblance of innocence and instill it within the reader. Fine. That's all good and dandy, but perhaps that is the exact reason why I can't bring myself to like this one-shot, for I enjoy the gritty details described by more mature characters( if told from first person POV) or what the authors are willing to give me themselves through third person... but enough rambling.

I don't mean to sound like an ass, but this is more for superpony55 than for anyone else. Repeating words ain't exactly necessary. Luckily, there was really only one example of this that caught my attention.

I heard a laugh from behind a bookshelf. I glared at the shelf.
“Naughty bookshelf!” I cried.

While not technically incorrect, it just reads kinda awkward. I know, call me a crazy butthole that over-analyzes a cute story about candy-colored ponies, but it just plagues my fragile mind.

However... regarding the writing style for the point of view, it's actually quite nice. It could've been a lot worse, but superpony55 nailed the head and that's really all people are looking for on this site. That's why I think this story is so successful, so good job superpony!

Final Rating, as declared by King SE:

It's a wholesome quick little read if you like the cuteness.

It just wasn't for me.

TOTAL SCORE FOR STORY!!! MEH...UNLESS YOU LIKE THAT SORTA THING!!

7.5 OUT OF 10

As for me, I have more work to be doing...

Nicely done! 2622399

2622451 Yessss.... Overlord approves... hahahaha.

2622399

Alright, thanks!

2622526 Apologies if I seemed harsh at times, friend. I did not mean to offend in any way, I assure you.

2622533

No, it's not harsh. I respect your opinion, and it helped me improve as a writer. Not all my stories are like this, but a lot of them are. I'm writing a non-pony story that's not like this, if you'd like me to PM you the first chapter.

2622553 Hmm... I am very particular about these things. Send it to me and I'll take a peek. I can't guarantee when I'll be able to because I already have a rapidly filling to-do list of people requesting my opinions. Also I'm working on a TwiDash for a contest which is currently sucking up all of my free time.

2622562

Right. It's your choice, I'll send it if you're interested. I've only got the first chapter done, and that's about 1,500 words.

2622578 Let me see how my own writing progresses today. Even if you do Pm it to me, I'll at least still have it.

2622582

Alright, I'll PM you. It's a children's book.