Now that school is done with for the summer and I have a little time to spend on doing some reviews, it’s high time I posted another review! I sure hope everyone else around the group has been working hard to pump these things out to all of you waiting in the queue! What did we accomplish in the last two months?

Oh for the love of—

Before I start reading, I’m just going to say that this story strikes me as one that won’t be shattering any new ground. I expect simple Octascratch shipping, and not a whole lot else. I like surprises though, so maybe this one will pull some tricks on me? Let’s find out!

Here’s a quick summary so you know I read the whole thing.

Octavia is on a day off in Manehattan, walking down the street, when Vinyl Scratch darts out of an alley and nearly runs her over. Vinyl was being chased by two sleazy stallions, whom Octavia manages to shoo away before a fight breaks out. Octavia decides to take the worse-for-wear Vinyl to her family’s regular hotel, where she gets Vinyl cleaned up despite the protests of both the hotel staff and Octavia’s mother. While talking in the hotel room, Octavia discerns that Vinyl is interested in music, and takes her to the auditorium where she plays in the symphony. While in the back rooms looking at instruments, Octavia finally realizes that Vinyl is actually mute, and after a brief runaway moment, Vinyl is brought out of her emotional state by Octavia’s cello playing, and to end the story, Octavia and Vinyl play a duet between cello and DJ booth, captivating the ponies who happen to be nearby.

Okay, strictly speaking on the plot, the basic outline isn’t all too terrible. It’s a simple Prince and the Pauper setup, and I usually like stories of the rich and well-to-do helping the less fortunate.

Only, in order for this setup to really pay off well, it needs some much better execution.

As I read, I noted that a lot of the story doesn’t really matter all that much. The whole “hotel staff and mother getting on Octavia’s back” portion of the story was fine, but the way it was presented, I was expecting it to affect the story’s outcome. Only it didn’t. The hotel staff and Octavia’s mother are sort of swept under the rug, and it really doesn’t do anything to further the story. This is the biggest example of unnecessary detail, though there were several others, including Vinyl’s glasses breaking when they fall onto a likely carpeted floor, the fairly easy dismissal of the two sleazeballs, and the sudden and largely unprovoked emotional shifts in the characters themselves.

I want to talk about that last one a bit more. We are given details that Octavia is usually well-mannered and polite, but suddenly she becomes pushy and borderline boorish from trying to help a pony she’s known for all of a few minutes? Not only that, but her sudden powerful compulsion to help Vinyl in the first place is a bit suspect. Her motivations were not really addressed, though she did take the time to question them in her own mind. And finally, the biggest emotion shift that I didn’t really feel the reasoning behind was the one where Vinyl breaks down crying while Octavia shows her the instrument room. She can play music as a DJ, but her muteness suddenly makes her sad? It doesn’t really make any sort of difference for her abilities besides an inability to sing, which neither of them do in the first place.

Ugh, I’m losing my train of thought here. I suppose I’ve said about as much as I can without overdoing it, so I’ll summarize. This story’s plot is a nice concept, but it really suffers in execution. Fewer contrivances and better reasoning behind decisions of both character and author would be my biggest recommendation here.

Grammar/Formatting— The grammar of this story is actually pretty workable. It has a few hiccups here and there with missing periods and a repeated sentence at one point, but overall, it is passable.

Show/Tell— This story is predominantly done in telling narration, and as a result, the pacing and narrative quality are not fully up to snuff. More on those below.

Dialogue/Narration— The dialogue is almost entirely on behalf of Octavia, and I do think that her lines fit with her general characterization. However, the narration of the story is a lot less gripping. It forms the story and tells it cohesively, but that’s just the issue. It tells the story almost entirely, instead of showing it. The narrator doesn’t take the time to really flesh out the story and make it vivid and poignant in the reader’s head. As a result, it makes the story feel much more amatuerish. It robs the scenes that were supposed to have a lot of emotion and depth to them of their substance.

Worldbuilding— There are some new settings to take in such as the hotel and the auditorium, and they are described reasonably well, but they don’t really hold a lot of interest. The characters go to these places, granted, but that was about all I was led to care for them about. There was no real juicy description or anything to make them stand out.

Pacing— The pacing is pretty quick as a result of the overly telly narration, and it seems like the story is rushing towards its conclusion faster than it needs to. We don’t get a lot of time for good characterization to develop, for the world to flesh out, for really anything necessary for a standout story to happen. As a result, the entire product suffers.

Point of View— The story is primarily told from Octavia’s viewpoint, but it does switch to Vinyl’s at a few points. I wouldn’t call it 3rd Omniscient, considering that we only hear from one character at a time and that the viewpoint switches are rare, but rather 3rd limited.

This story centers on Vinyl and Octavia, with emphasis on the latter. As a result, I expect the most out of our grey music mare, and the story did give her the most effort it could, but I don’t feel that it had enough in it to really give me standout characterization. I liked the way Octavia and Vinyl were presented, particularly in Vinyl’s case, but I just feel… How do I put this?

I feel that this story tries to support itself on what it is: A fan work. It doesn’t pay the characters at hand a whole lot of mind, because we already know them from the show and other fan works. These characters are familiar faces to anyone who has been around the fandom for more than a few days. And to be honest, it does work to do this. I wouldn’t call it bad per se, but I do believe that it is a more lackluster way to present the story. I know these characters, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see them shine brilliantly and jump out at me.

I’m losing track of my thoughts. In short, the characterization was there, but it was merely adequate, and it didn’t really do anything to wow me.

When I read this story, I could really get a feel for the fact that the author wasn’t the most experienced player on the market. Classic missteps like overuse of telling and plot contrivances were enough, but I wouldn’t discount this as an entirely uninteresting story. I can see the beginnings of style hiding in there, and with more practice, I have no doubt that it can be brought out!

I’ll be moving quickly from here out. Not a lot I can say on these last few points.

Octascratch is one of my favorite pairings, but really, it is one of the most common ones in the fandom. Couple this with a plot that doesn't really do anything outside of the box with them, and I can't give high marks for originality.

Achievement— What did this story set out to achieve? It is an emotional slice of life story about Vinyl and Octavia forming a friendship out of a moment of charitable hospitality. There's a romance tag on the top of the page, but the story really never moves past friendshipping the two. I won't deduct points for this, but it is a bit misleading. Aside from that, it really wasn't a truly ambitious project. It's a simple story with simple, honest intentions, and I feel that it partly satisfied its goals, though not to the fullest extent possible because of all of the stuff I talked about above.

Impression— And finally, the score that I can safely say is entirely bias, as this is my personal opinion of the story.

I really didn't find myself enjoying the story too much, just because nothing about it really stood out to me. I don't hate it, and I don't think it was a waste of time to read and review it, but it just didn't do it for me. It won't be one that sticks on my mind for long.

So, how does Song of Silence fare in my completely arbitrary and pointless but somewhat essential numerical grading system? Let’s find out!

Plot: Cohesive, but uninspired. 11/20
Mechanics: Too much telling, but not terrible. 13/20
Characterization: Passable, but not outstanding. 10/20
Writing Style: Amatuerish, but shows potential. 4/10
Originality: It’s nothing new. 3/10
Impact: Acheives its goals well enough, but it just wasn't enough to wow me. 12/20

Thanks to you, SmokeShadow95, for submitting your story to the PCaRG. I hope my commentary was helpful, and I hope to see you next time!

Thanks for the review. I'll admit I was hoping for better but I'm thankful still for honest criticism. I will definitely go back through and see what I can change where in the story. Again, thanks.

5317209 We're no longer dead! :D

5317477 Best of luck to you, and thanks again for submitting!

5317537 If we were truly not dead, you'd also be posting reviews.

Hint hint

5317585 I'm working on it! The reviews I do use a lot of editing. It takes me an hour to write three paragraphs!

But it'll be worth it when I release mine. You'll see why.

Hint, hint.

5317209

It’s a simple Prince and the Pauper setup

That's when the rich person and poor person, having similar appearances but living totally different lives, switch places. It hasn't really been done in a new or interesting way since 1983, when Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy were in "Trading Places".

I don't think there's a trope specifically for shipping across class divides.

Not only that, but her sudden powerful compulsion to help Vinyl in the first place is a bit suspect.

Some FIMFic blogger, I forget who, dubbed this "Alien Shipping Syndrome". It's when a character suddenly starts exhibiting strange feelings or taking unusual actions which aren't supported by the story, but which just happen to help a ship sail.

And I'll get another review out as soon as I find the time and energy to work on it. I've read the fic and taken notes, I just need to write the actual review.

5318124 I remembered that story completely different from reading it in 7th grade. Whoops