Guilt of a Phantom
By Powerdrainer

Reviewed by Asilin

My personal writing group on another site exploded in drama, so I was looking for a distraction. And hey! Fics are a good distraction! Add in Danny Phantom and this should be awesome :)

Okay. Nowadays, I try to give a commentary about my overall reactions to things about the fic and such, but we’re just going to have a sit down here.

Let’s start with the good. You have a decent writing style, and I have no major grammatical or syntax issues. I do have a layout issue: left justify your story. Center align is distracting in prose unless you’re using it for a specific purpose, like emphasizing lines in a poetic prose piece. Further, I don’t have any issues with your characterization. I can buy that this is Danny, and I can buy the reactions he has to the changes you’ve made. So that’s good.

Let’s talk about the rest of it.

I was going to try to give you three full chapters (not counting the prologue), even with the amazingly long chapters. I don’t mind long chapters. Heck, my current WIP has a 9k starting chapter that I’m trying to trim down. I understand long chapters.

You can’t do long chapters without a hook though. What’s a hook, you ask? A hook is what grabs us: it can be an action moment (like watching the hero infiltrate a temple, like in Indiana Jones); it can be good characterization (like Harry Dresden’s introduction in Storm Front); or it can even be world building (like an exceptionally well done legend). But it is that thing which makes us want to continue reading.

And given that you have a prologue and a first chapter, you need two hooks because the prologue is a separate entity to the rest of your story. (Fun fact: most people, including publishers, skip the prologue at first!) You have a bit of a one in the prologue; Clockwork’s philosophical ramblings about the nature of time and changing it intrigued me enough to get me through.

Nearly, lost me with the “cloaked figure”, “individual”, “person”, and such at the end, but that’s forgivable.

What’s not is the lack of hook in your starting chapter and the fact that it’s all backstory. Ten thousand words of backstory.

Here’s the thing about backstory: it moves you back. It gives explanation, illuminates the readers as to why a character is in a particular emotional state, and in large quantities, it’s incredibly boring. Why the last? Because it’s not moving the plot forward. In your first chapter (which clocks in at 10,959 words), only around 800 words are dedicated to moving the plot forward.

And that was merely to announce that Danny was going to Equestria. We didn’t even make it to Equestria.

Heck, we didn’t even make it to Equestria in Chapter 2; he’s still stuck in immigration!

So back to the first chapter, because I really only skimmed the second chapter to see if we actually made it. What were those 10K words spent on, if not moving the plot forward?

Recapping Danny’s start? Check. Giving us an overview of his adventures? Check. Giving us the divergence point from the show? Check, although this was the only interesting bit in the entire thing. Giving us setting summary for a place Danny’s leaving? Check.

The only thing in all of that of any value is the divergence point. And there are a million other ways you could’ve presented that. You could’ve had him musing on what could have been as he arrives in Equestria. You could’ve had a musing moment as he prepares for a day while living in Equestria. On the bus there. While watching another happy couple. These are valid emotional spots that give us more information about the character as he currently lives than just backstory.

And here’s the other thing that all of your backstory has pushed around: I have no idea what your inciting incident is. I have no idea what kicks the actual plot off, because I don’t know what the actual plot is.

The only hint I have is that somebody’s going to be changing Danny’s past, but I don’t know if that’s already occurred and we’re in the AU and now Danny has to find a way to fix it back, or if getting it back to show canon is the plot.

As a note, the inciting incident is the moment where the status quo changes for a character, forcing them to action. One might argue that the inciting incident is Sam’s death, but this is incorrect. That’s part of the backstory, part of what has led to the current status quo: Danny in hiding, depressed and alone. A world torn apart. It’s going to be part of his motivation, but it’s not the moment that is going to incite him to current action. What rocks his world and causes him to think more about what he’s doing with his life right now?

Deciding to flee to Equestria isn’t the incident either; that’s still tied into him not dealing with his life right now. He has no reason to go to Equestria beyond his own ennui. He’s not seeking out to rectify a problem, to discover something more about his current situation, or flee from a current issue; he’s just acting out of his current emotional state, out of the status quo.

That’s not enough to keep a person reading. Especially not after reading the equivalent of most stories’ two to three chapters.

I’ll be honest, this story needs a complete overhaul. Start by figuring out what your inciting incident is. From there, you can back up a short period of time to show us what the status quo is/was so we can appreciate the change that’s going to be inflicted upon the character. If you can combine these two things into one scene, even better.

But you need to eliminate the info dump. A lot of the information you include is superfluous (we don’t need to know how he gained his powers; most people who are going to read this story will more than likely have a passing familiarity with the show to skip it; further, we don’t need to jump to Vlad’s POV as he’s plotting out his final attack; all we need to know is that his final attack killed Sam) or can be referenced in another way throughout the story. Make us wonder what happened to get to this point and give us the backstory like you would a trail of crumbs through the wood, leading us to the conclusion you want us to be at.

If you can bring the plot forward and cut down on the backstory/info dump, you’d have a really strong story.

Oh, and left align. Please.

Way too much backstory, no forward momentum on the plot, and while characterization is good and the setting changes make sense, it’s not enough to carry a story. This story

Needs Work.

4053140
I was going to do this as a joint review with her, but as of the 10k word mark, it was basically non-pony-related, so my input wasn't needed.

4053165 It wasn't pony-related? Wat
4053140 As usual, an amazing review! (Just learned you were a chick too...you play games?)

4053253

To note, I ran through chapter 2 (which was 12K words) and we still hadn't entered Equestria, and the only additional information was Danny exchanging money for bits.

So 23K words and still no pony.

And yes, I'm female. As to games, well... *points to avatar*

4053270 Christ almighty! (I remember when you took on one of my early early works. Fond times.)

4053277

Glad you found it useful :)

4053313 Oh, I improved since last time. Lots.

4053140 Thank you for the input. Now I have some solid points to work on.

4053466

You're quite welcome! Feel free to ask questions or clarification if need be :)