Something Special in the Wind

by Mereneth

Okay, here I go.

It's always more difficult to review a story with no clear plot, or an unfinished story. This one is not an exeption. Thus I advise anypony reading this taking my words with a grain of salt, and to be on the lookout for the obvious holes. The question why, then, I decided to review this story in the first place is of no concern here.

Anyway, as a starter chapter, the 6k words that the story at the moment exists of are a bit... incohesive in what comes to the way emotions are processed. I mean, half of the time it seems that the characters themselves don't know why they are feeling the way they do. The mature CMC are a splendid example of this: they get to the hospital screaming with glee, end up in tears for some reason, and ultimately spent some cutie time with a couple of newborn foals. This is a wide arch of emotions, yet the workings of it are sqeezed so tight there's no real time for the reader to get immersed in one feeling before they are yanked into another one.

This is a problem because aside from the emotions, there is no actual content in the chapter. Why did Pinkie give birth to two healthy foals? What was the purpose? This comes from a reader who has only read the first chapter, but even against that, I feel that the labour ought to lead to somewhere plotwise, include some complications or just mean something but the obvious happyness.

Moving on, you language is very telly at times. You process information in a way that offers a direct route to the emotions and moods of the characters, which is boring. The point also applies on the way you depict actions. An example:

Sweetie Belle was nearly beside herself with amusement as her friends somehow managed to blush a deeper shade of red as she spoke. Not wanting to hurt their relationship, she pranced over to Apple Bloom’s side and nudged her over to Scootaloo, grinning like a gleeful fool and motioning with one hoof to confirm she was entirely ok with the act she had caught them in.

Expressing an intention in the universal narrative belongs to newspapers, not to storytelling. Why? Because storytelling is about riddles, about enticing puzzles that don't look like puzzles at the first glance. A wish "not to hurt a relationship" is a very abstract line, really, and unnecessary compared to the depiction of physical actions, which you do here, too. You should focus only on them, to let their bodies, not the words, tell the tale.

Final Score: Needs Work.