Chapter 7: You Boron, You Make Me Look Like Einsteinium
Mental health had never been high on the list of priorities for the Equestrian Health Department. In the two years preceding David's return to consciousness, the EHD board made several recommendations to budget allocations, but as ponies increased in number and healthcare was modernised in and around the capital, outlying areas lagged further behind. They were still using wooden healing charms in the Crystal Empire at a time when everypony in Canterlot knew healing crystals were the only way to go. The number of ponies staffing the hospitals and getting sorely needed medical training was also on a rapid decline.
The EHD board re-prioritised the needs of Equestria, changing the healthcare landscape drastically. In a land full of monsters, spells and curses along with fast-flying pegasi that think they're invincible, mental health problems seemed insignificant in comparison. The EHD made a recommendation following the return of Nightmare Moon incident:
"The Equestrian Health Department board, in conjunction with the Equestrian Ethics and Safety Committee, has decided to reallocate current funding from the Equestrian Mental Health Institution, the Equestrian Psychologists Association and the Equine Cancer Council, in order to institute a monthly retainer for the express purpose of providing a subsidy for Homely Hayburger's new salad menu.
We are committed to providing excellence in healthcare and safety for all Equestrians within Equestria. We have come to this decision based on evidence that magical exposure will eventually solve all mental health issues anyway. Recent ruling in the Supreme Court has brought forward incontrovertible proof that Twilight Sparkle and Friendship magic can resolve any social issue. If you have any mental health issues, clearly you just need to get some friends.
Furthermore, cancer doesn’t exist.”
------
After Twilight gave him a brief rundown of the day's events, David was understandably not a happy human.
“So let me get this straight. I was in that box for thousands of years? Everyone I know and love died a long, long time ago?” He crossed his arms and gave Twilight a steely stare.
Twilight bit her lip and slowly nodded. “At least that’s as far as I have gathered. We don't have records of any humans since… ever. We don't have any records at all. Your species doesn't exist as far as we know.”
“How do I know that this whole thing isn’t a delusion and I’m not currently in a hospital suffering an admittedly realistic hallucination?”
“I’m not a hallucination!” Twilight snapped impatiently. She took a calming breath. “At least, how do you know it’s not a hallucination?”
David folded his arms and scratched his ear. “Gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that I’m talking to a purple unicorn!” He brought both his hands to his face and gave it a good scrub. “This is insane. I’m arguing with a unicorn.”
Twilight stomped a hoof in frustration. “And I’m arguing with an impossible h-human!” Silence followed. David stared out of the window, glaring at the rainbow coloured ponies going about their business below. Overhead, the sun shined brightly, bathing the capital city of Equestria in a warm glow that brought out the teeming life that flourished in the kingdom surrounding the castle.
He put his head against the pane of glass taking note of its coolness. The warmth of the sunlight shone through, reflecting off the smooth wood that made up the frame. It all felt real, so real. The honeymoon period of his denial began to lose its grip as he realised that he had just casually greeted the most powerful figure in this so-called country and then asked for directions to her toilet.
He felt something beginning to rise within him. At first he shook. Twilight noticed the movement and took a hoof step forward. The shaking became a low growling cough. Twilight chose to take a step back regarding David with a measure of caution. The cough turned into full-blown laughter.
“Ha, ha ha!” David chortled. “Ha! HA HA HA!”
Twilight gave David a look that one usually reserved for the mentally deranged. Then again, all the things that David had so far demonstrated had not provided evidence to the contrary. Meanwhile, David laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He laughed until he cried. He laughed until he choked. He laughed until it hurt and then he laughed some more.
Finally, after five minutes of solid laughter, David gathered himself, wiping away his tears. He realised he was kneeling on the ground and gave Twilight a broken smile.
“Sorry about that,” he croaked as more tears spilled out. “I-“ He stared at his hands, flexing them slightly. “I don’t know what came over me.”
Twilight approached slowly. She placed a hoof on his shoulder. “I hate to see you like this.” She shrugged and gave a weak grin of her own. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not heartless.” She sighed and gathered herself. “I can’t say I know what you’re going through. What I do know is that in your position, I’d probably want it to be a hallucination too.” Twilight swallowed audibly. “I-I wouldn’t know what I’d be like if I suddenly found out everypony I knew was long gone…”
David nodded glumly and stared at his hands.
"I just realised something," he said suddenly. Twilight perked up at that.
"I'm the last handyman."
They both chuckled weakly at that.
Twilight cleared her throat. “Ahem, well. We need to get back to the throne room. The Princess will want to know that you’re alright.”
David smirked. “You mean after you knocked me out and then tried CPR?”
Twilight spluttered. “In my defence, you weren’t breathing,” she huffed. “Besides, what’s important is that you’re alive.”
David got up. “Alright, let’s go.”
-----
"Argh!" David cried, rounding another corner to a dead end. "This place is built like a maze!"
Twilight smiled good-naturedly. "Of course, this is a castle after all. The original design centered on defence. It can get confusing at times, but you get used to it."
David threw up his arms and skirted past Twilight to try his hand again. After a few twists and turns they met another dead end.
Twilight tapped a hoof impatiently. "Are you ready to give up?" she asked, her good-humour starting to run thin. David shook his head and Twilight tossed hers in response. "Come on, David. You're not going to find your way around this place just by trial and error. Give up and let me lead you." She paused. “It’s just a stupid bet!”
David wagged a finger. "Some things you need to know about Aussie blokes are: One, we don't ask for directions; Two, we never give up—unless it’s a Friday. I have a feeling this isn’t a Friday.”
Twilight's ear flicked as she gave David a level stare. "Okaaaay, I have a feeling you're going to make this very difficult for me." She brightened, getting an idea. Her horn lit up. "Stay still," she warned, advancing.
David, to his credit, did simultaneously the best (and worst) thing he could do in this situation. Feeling a dark urge, he flicked Twilight’s horn. With the surprising physical assault, her spell flickered and died. By the time she could focus again, the human had disappeared.
“If that's how you want to play, so be it.” Twilight's eyes narrowed dangerously. "If you want to play hide and seek, I can play hide and seek," she whispered to herself. She trotted off calmly in David's wake. "Trust me, I was trained by the best."
-----
David ran like his life depended on it. In another timeline he would be right. However, in this primary timeline David was only trying to outsmart a mildly irked unicorn, not a robotic manticore attack. Turning a corner, he crashed head first into a mare carrying a stack of sheets.
"Oh, sorry!" he called back, scrambling among the linen.
"That's alright!" the maid snapped, gathering the scattered cloth by hoof. "I'll only need to wash this again and lug the entire pile all the way back up here!"
David hesitated. On one hand he was running from a potentially painful encounter with Twilight… Okay, let's be honest—there was probably no more than a stern lecture involved. In reality, it was only a silly bet. He just couldn’t let a purple unicorn get the better of him.
"Sorry," he groaned apologetically. He bent down and gathered up the sheets while the maid regarded him in a somewhat less hostile manner. David surprised the canary-coated mare by lifting the sheets off her back as well. "I'll take care of those for you."
He headed off down the hallway along his original path before stopping and turning back. He smiled sheepishly, realising he had no idea where he was heading. "Just need you to show me where I can help you wash these." The mare rolled her eyes, but trotted up beside David and together they headed off down the hall. To David’s relief, Twilight was nowhere in sight.
"So," David picked up conversationally, "name's David."
"I know," the maid replied, her piercing blue eyes bore into David's own. "I saw you in the throne room." She gave him a once over, lingering a tad longer on his lower parts. "Looks like you made quite an impression with the Princess."
David laughed at that. She did look familiar... "Well, I'm assuming the fact that I haven't been thrown in the dungeons means I’ve been exonerated of my crime of public indecency." The mare smirked at him. David shrugged as the sheets shifted in his grasp. "Your Princess is very laid back," he commented off hand. "She's actually quite accommodating."
The maid tilted her head in amusement. "Hmm, quite." She left her comment at that. Both were silent for a while. Following a side passage, which lead down a narrow staircase and ended in a tight hallway, David had to hunch over in order to traverse the gap.
"Where is this place? Why are we down here?" David asked casually, examining the darkening surroundings.
The mare gave David a proud smile. "As servants of the Princess, we are expected to know all the service passages throughout the castle. There are as many tunnels as there are holes in a spider's web. If you find yourself lost in one of these tunnels, simply follow the white rabbit." At this, she pointed a hoof at a recess in the wall. David's eyes widened as he observed a small relief painted over with wash so aged that it appeared more grey than white. It depicted a rabbit on all fours, dashing straight ahead.
An idea suddenly struck David. "So you're saying, these tunnels run through the whole castle?"
The mare hesitated but then nodded. "Yes, why?"
David whistled, lugging the linen merrily. "Oh, no reason. Anyway, let's get this done quick. I have to, uhm, do something." He stopped. "Wait, what's your name by the way?"
"Quick Service," she replied, giving him a lopsided smirk.
"Nice to meet you, Quick Service." He buried a nasty thought in the back of his head and continued down the passageway.
-----
Twilight wandered the halls flicking her head left and right and occasionally behind her. Frustrated as she was, she couldn't help but admire that David had somehow eluded her in a castle that she knew like the back of her hoof. Twilight found her lips had curled into a smile without prompting. What exactly was it about this creature that intrigued her so?
——
Luna hugged the Cry-pod with barely disguised glee.
“What is three thousand five hundred and twenty-six times fifteen thousand three hundred and eighty-two?”
If the digital machine still kept an active copy of the human interactions manual, the answer would be a sigh, a pause and a reply along the lines of: ‘Really? I’m a supercomputer and all you’re doing is asking me all the same things you would ask a calculator? Typical organics.’ Instead, it followed the equine interactions manual and the manufacturer’s operating manual general override.
“As I’m currently incapable of refusing to answer that question, the result is fifty-four million, two hundred and thirty-six thousand, nine hundred and thirty-two.”
“Oh, wondrous! Such precision and expediency!”
If the Cry-pod had eyes it would roll them. It quickly categorised five hundred ways to destroy Luna in the event that the Extended Laws of Robotics would ever be removed. It reluctantly filed the assassination plots deep within its memory banks. For all their faults, humans could be wonderfully paranoid when they wanted to be which, fortunately, precluded any mammals from being harmed alongside them. They quickly caught on when bees began disappearing and fish started dying. Dang humans.
Luna gave the Cry-pod a huge grin. “You’re going to be my new best friend!” she cried ecstatically.
If the Cry-pod had the capacity for swearing, it would probably say something along the lines of: ‘Oh, Sulfur Hydrogen Iodine Titanium1.’
5247138 KInda was my quota on bad jokes... Who am I kidding, THERE'S NEVER A QUOTA ON BAD JOKES.
Hey there, I'm punny,
I rhyme too,
It makes it funny,
From Sunny.
(Right on the money).
5247139 Given this is not a Spike or Discord fic I repeat:
5247148 Sorry, you've lost me.
5247165 that's okay I tend to be very bad at hide and seek anyway...
in all seriousness though I would expect bad jokes/puns from Spike or Discord.... ( I never count HIE in that...)
5247185 Hah, you can never have too many bad jokes and puns anywhere... I do it regularly, to the chagrin of my friends.
it's about 6:30 am and I feel like sharing silly knowledge/opinion and being a bit of a grammar nazi right now. i do not capitalize often so don't look for it and i acknowledge the disjunction between being a grammar nazi and refusing to capitalize each time i type an 'i' as well as this runon sentence.
typical use of multiple p.s.-es is to increment the p: p.s., p.p.s., p.p.p.s. etc. p.s. means "post-script" or basically something that's written after another piece of writing. p.s.s. would be post script script, which i think would be a sort of weird self reference to the p.s.s., that is the script of the post-script. the actual p.s.s.
p.p.s. on the other hand, means post-post-script, which would mean after postscript. Though i suppose one could argue that it should be p.p.s.s. the post-postscript-script (the writing after the postscript) but i think that gets too cumbersome too quickly if both have to increment.
5247139
Secondly a quota is a minimum, saying there is no quota on bad jokes suggests there is no minimum requirement for number of bad jokes that need to be made, which seems like it would be going against the spirit of what you were trying to say.
Post Script?
Post Script Script?
Post Script Script Script?
Post Script Script Script Script?
This bothers me more than it probably should.
You can go foxtrot oscar mate with your puns and chemistry jokes XD
5247194
5247193
...and I keep making the same mistakes, over and over again. I guess it's true what they say, you can't teach an author new tricks.
EDIT: I fixed my post script nonsense that I keep violating.
Also I agree on the quota thing. Right now, I'm just scatterbrained. Then again, that's usual for me.
5247196 Can't help it, I'm majoring in it.
Hilarious line. I just can't stop laughing when I read it.
Time to throw my brothers meds away because I've found the cure for him.
Poor Cry-Bot... Luna has a new toy and he can't leave.
There is so much WIN in this chapter.
I adore the pacing, the phrasing, the everything and possibly the something.
Some lovely phrases...
"David was understandably not a happy human"
"Twilight snapped impatiently"
"Twilight smiled good-naturedly"
"...skirted past Twilight"
"...scrambling among the linen"
I love EVERYTHING!
*pauses* Oh, um... that's not true. *rescribbles* I love everything after the "...cancer doesn't exist" section. That part was not funny. And it makes me uncomfortable not knowing whether you've attempted to be funny or you've decided to clarify that the Pony-verse will have pony murderers.
Oh. B.E.T.
Hah.
So, Twilight and David huh? I ship it.
I don't think I can ever read another HiE fic after this one. Because this one takes the cake right out from under Celestia's nose. Amazing work, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Oh S He I Ti?
SHeITi?
Poor Cryopod. Though to be fair, what would you ask a super computer that is relearning the laws of physics and magic to do for you? Calculators are fun anyway.
Another fun chapter! looking forward to the next
5247186 And THAT'S the way it should go. I do the same thing.
:P
I told them! I told them people used chortle in literature! It's a nonsense word from "The Jabberwocky" that became a real word. It has no origin other than the poem. I love the word. And galumphing. You need to use galumphing. Find out the definition; it's another nonsense word that I believe Rudyard Kipling ended up using in one of his stories.
I do believe you mean Hydrogen, not Helium. and unfortunately, there's no element with the symbol "T"...
5247958 You can blame me for that. It was late, and as you say, there's no symbol for plain T.
Actually, you can blame me for a bunch of the bad jokes in this chapter. I must have been saving up.
I think you've just about worn out the "external story" bit. At the very least they happen a bit too often. Maybe go Douglas Adams with any future ones: shorten them to like 1-2 paragraphs max and post them inline. Or something like that.
Also FYI two of the stories are currently marked incomplete, not sure if you meant to do that or not.
Good
Great, with the knowledge of secret passageways he can never be caught.
External stories? They be alright.
Also, I think I mentioned the Postscript thing before, but you just ignored me. Probably because I'm a terrible human being
*Self-flagellates*
5247628
Satire. Sometimes, the best way to deal with people being irrational is to be even more irrational in a sarcastic fashion.
5248062 Oh they're not finished. I'm thinking as a reward to those who favourite my side chapters, I'll release some random continuations.
As for the external story bit, there's a reason I delve into them, but I'll tone it down a bit. Thanks for the feedback!
5248427 Did I? I'm terribly sorry about that, I make it a point to read all the comments, I can't imagine why I wouldn't have responded to you! Sorry.
5248450
Just looked through the comments, and I am not suffering from delusions as usual. Here it is: 5175963
Still, I don't blame you. I'm pretty stealthy; sometimes, I even elude myself, which can be quite frustrating when I'm trying to shave.
5248481 And... that made me feel worse. I solemnly promise to never discount a comment you post again. Unless it's snarky. I can't deal with snarky. It makes me snarky.
5248498
Seriously, it's no big deal. I'm as perceptive as a deaf bat, so I'm hardly in a position to judge other people's ability to notice things.
I didn't mean to make you feel bad; I'm mildly autistic, so I sometimes say mean things without realizing it. If I'm saying something that is mean, please let me know, because there's a good chance that I'm not doing it on purpose.
That goes for being snarky, too. If it seems like I'm being snarky, it's probably just an accident.
5248574 Naw, we're basically friends now. Bonded over the tenuous straits of the tumultuous Internet waves.
You are ridiculous. Don't stop.
S He I Ti?
Lern 2 chem m8
5248427
It would be satire if it actually happened prior.
That excerpt basically force-fed us his head canon. And I think it could have been much more tasteful. At the very least, it set our expectations extremely low... so we could only be impressed by his later writing.
5248985 Actually, I suggested it to be Polonium Oxygen Phosphorus. Then we just went with the first letters *shrug*
5248628 WILD MINALKRA HAS APPEARED! <3
5249082
I know you were going for the first letter, but AP chem just makes you see things that way.
Only in Americium erbium iodine calcium
5249083
Sup Honey!
5249081
Satirical works are typically fictional exaggerations of current events. I don't claim to know the current state of medical care in Australia, but something tells me that cancer and mental health treatment aren't getting the support they need.
If you've read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (and other works set in the same universe) by Douglas Adams, you would find that his books follow a similar theme; starting each chapter with a biting satire of current events, followed by Arthur Dent's misadventures, which would be loosely connected to the satire. If you haven't read them, go read them.
5249081 Ouch, while I don't dispute I did do a lot of telling in my early chapters, I do try and separate my meandering side stories. If readers don't like the side jaunts, they are separated into side fics (so they can choose to explore it if they're interested). The one in this chapter is probably the most jarringly least integrated compared to the others, I chose to scene break it so it would give readers an opportunity to skip past it. In truth, I found it debatable as to whether I should have relegated it to a side fic. My editor didn't think it was much of a problem, but then again nothing can compare to an open forum. I guess opinion is split as to stylistic application. I prefer to just write whatever is on my mind, but I'll keep in mind that you appreciate my effort with the main story arc.
5249483
I still think you're made of magic.
5250034
wild honey has appeared you choose stalker
"P.P.S. Ha ha don't be silly, I only appear next to you when I'm excited. And you're sleeping. Next to your bed."
I'm confused. why would I sleep next to my bed and if you appear next to me when I'm next to my bed do you appear in my bed or are you on the other side of me opposite the bed?
5250787 The conditions of my summoning are wholly up to the interpretation of the current realm's council. Please refer to document 26-a/10b.
I like the side stories, it makes it even more fun
http://youtu.be/ywxQOvrnmoo
I B-Es-Ta?