I’m sorry. [FDTL news] · 3:44am Feb 27th, 2020
How do I even begin this?
I’m sorry.
I’ve been agonising Over this for some time now. What to say, what to do. I kept silent- hoping this barricade would collapse if I just found the right way...
But the guilt is too much, I can’t do this. I owe you all an apology. I sincerely thought I’d regain my footing in my writing someday, but not even writing the short story helped.
I love FDTL, it’s my pride and joy- but I don’t know how to finish it now. I’ve been out of touch for so long I feel like a stranger in my own fictional world. In al of them, that’s why everything is on hiatus. I love pony, but there’s an insidious error at my core.
One that has decayed my connection to the things I once loved.
My computer.
My stories.
My dreams.
Depression is a monster, one that has warped and twisted what I once could do with confidence. Made me frightened of my computers that were once like my children. Made me paranoid about failure and left me weary. I don’t sleep well anymore. It’s night after night of bad dreams, rehashes of everything I left behind. Of what I failed to do.
Celestia knows I’ve tried my best, but I’ve finally realised how bad I’ve become.
I used to get angry at my mother for always trying on me to solve her problems for her, when I am no better.
To my dear friend, my dream seeker, I’m sorry. I hope you know how much I treasure your friendship. I never meant to become a burden, you have always been there for me. Yet I kept messaging you with my problems- some friend I am. I can’t do that to you- it’s not fair. Hopefully I can repay you someday, my drawings seem a paltry payment. But I’ll draw the world for you if it expresses even a fragment of my thanks.
To Adam, I’m sorry I cry so much. Love you, my (not related) brother.
To the fans of FDTL, you guys are awesome. Knowing what started off as a half-assed outline on a long gone tablet has grown into the chronicle it has- makes me so happy.
To Hail- I’m sorry I barely spoke. Trying to voice this has been too painful. Even typing this, my heart aches so hard I fear it’ll crack. You’ve been by my side since the start- love you.
To Pazazz- thanks for letting me draw all your OCd as Kirins, that was awesome. Let me know if you want another? You’ve always been there, when I was scared.
To Askre- I know, you barely know me, but I always liked how good you are with writing Sombra. I admire your confidence.
To Kouen- your art is sweet. You’re very quick with ideas- keep going!
There’s probably some I missed, but my hands are crampons up. The autocarrots is struggling to make sense of what I’m auditing. Don’t blame it really. Sausage
I’m writing this is a note, my Mac isn’t working. Catalina is dump. Can’t afford to take it to Apple store.
Pixel
circusp- fade
Sorry to hear you are having a run of things, I love your stories :) I hope you feel better if you want to talk feel free to PM me.
Take what time you need. The road might be long, there will be times of difficulty. There will be those who will be here if you return. If not, we wish you well.
Sorry to hear that things aren’t working out for you.
Pixel it's alright, you take your time. I'll be here, I'll do whatever I can to help. don't rush, you do what you need. If there's anything you need I'm not far hug 🙂
I keep coming across your fic and I keep putting off reading it til later then finding it again a few months later... every time. I'll give it a read later...
Please don't hold this post against me but there are a few philosophical questions I want to ask you. You don't need to respond, but please just hear me out:
You said you were paranoid about failure, I'm assuming from your comment about your computer that you are referring to your fanfics, what exactly is so bad about a failure? And what exactly is a failure when it comes to fanfics? If you are referring to the time between updates for your stories, that isn't a failure in our eyes. Some fics on this site update once a month, some once a week, some once every three to six months. even if a fic is never finished, that incomplete status still doesn't change the enjoyment people get from reading what is there. So what if it's taking you longer than you want to release something that you are happy with? Also, just because an element of your story is a failure in your eyes doesn't mean your readers will consider it one. Everyone has a different idea of what is good, and you won't be able to please everyone regardless. Look at Star Wars for example, it has its good points, its bad points, and the occasional 'what were they thinking?' moments, it's has quite a few fans, while personally I could never get into it.
Also, about your comment on not being able to make progress on your fics: is art ever truly finished?
Pixel you are loved! We your fans love you!!!!
I suffer from Depression as well I understand your pain. Pixel just know you are LOVED!!!!!!!!!! 
