Suicidal Depression -> Now In Paperwork Form (This May Be The Last Post of Mine For a While) · 3:10am Nov 26th, 2012
(This is the actual form-- only a bit blocked out)
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Yeah, 7 out of 10 is a lie. Same thing with wanting to see them soon. I need to see them now. Like right now. Right tonight. But I can't say that, since I'd be treated without respect then-- they'd think I'm a potential school shooter or something.
Well, today was... eventful. I can't pretend that I don't feel extremely low right now. Weak, useless, incomplete... like a shade of a human being or a specter in humanoid form rather than a real person.
Anyways, I talked to my academic adviser (also, my old boss from my research assistant days). She stated that I can expect to graduate in August 2013, so long as I pass my current panel data statistics class as well as pass the departmental 'exit exam' (one of three, I've already taken and passed the other two). I have to get at least a 75% overall grade in my class, and right now I got 73% on the first midterm and 70% on the second one. I'm kind of scared, even though I'm right at the limit without a curve and I know that most of the class is doing about how I'm doing (although maybe a step better).
My adviser made a point about how much she believed in me. It was actually kind of touching. I talked a bit about the various issues, almost starting to cry a bit about how I'm afraid of what my mother will do when I come out to her. My adviser said that she wasn't a parent, but she seriously can't imagine rejecting her own son for anything. My adviser also commented on how she felt happy for me and respected my success-- from working as a department research assistant, getting my A.S. in economics at about age 17 with my B.S. at about age 20, having all these citations from the Dean's List to the President's List, and so on. She said I'm a bright, caring individual, my negative self-feelings making no sense.
I felt I had my spirits raised a bit. Then, I headed off to do other errand-ish things about campus. It was frustratingly complex to find the right way to apply to get into psychological counselling-- the university website didn't quite make sense, the printing was frustrating to get the file to load, and so on. The crowded atmosphere at the computer lab with the constant talking, the cramped space, the huge amount of people, the strong, soul-crushing bright lights, and so on... I felt like having a panic attack. It was hard to breathe.
Finally, after having filled out and gotten the right form in my hand, there was the long, cold, isolated walk from one side of campus to the other. Just myself... the night sky overhead... the wind cutting into me like knives jutting into a piece of bread. My thoughts in a surging dark cloud.
And, having made it to the Health Center at 7pm, I discovered that it closes at 5:30pm. I stood there, totally alone in the dark in the freezing cold, for a little while with my papers conveying my insanity in my hands. I know I looked like a frustrated, lost puppy clawing at the house's door to come in.
And... now I'm home. I see that my mother is frustrated and disappointed at me since it will be several months until I graduate. I've aimed for August of this year, then December, then May of next year, and now its set to August. I'm sure she'd like to run off her mouth on me for not getting my Master's fast enough, but I'm just cooped up upstairs. I won't interact with her much for the rest of the day. My step-dad at least is supportive.
I... yeah. I have to say that I just don't even know what the... it's just so pointless. Look at the damn form. Just look at it... filling this out was one of the most dehumanizing, painful, and frustrating moments of my life. I'm just a number to the f--king university. I'm not a human being to them.
Is there any real benefit of me existing? To anyone? What's... *ugh*... I don't know anymore. I don't seem to know anything.
*hugs everyone tightly while crying*
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Listen to some Placebo. Or Nirvana. Trust me, it helps.
... Err... IDK what to...
Man, you and I... we need to chat, and I will help you.
You see that list of 24 things well i will complete that list to
1 yes
2 yes
3 no
4 yes
5 yes
6 yes
7 yes
8 no
9 yes
10 no
11 no
12 yes
13 yes
14 yes
15 yes
16 yes
17 yes
18 yes
19 yes
20 no
21 yes
22 yes
23 no
24 no
scale of 1-10 how much that interferes with my life 0 (same amount of fucks i give)
I live my life by a very simple code if more people lived by it life would be so much simpler
that code is "Honestly I don't give a fuck" back to the list were all fucked so if you need somebody to talk with im here for ya bro
Wow, I feel for you man. I went through a tough bit of depression in college myself, but my sister was there to help me through it. I know any advice I can give would be pointless, so I'll just say this. Know there are people out there that care about you, whether in your daily life, or even in the MLP fandom itself. Watching MLP would always lift my spirits, but whatever makes you happy you should do. Hope you pull through in the future.
*gives ginormous hug*
I hope you feel better soon. Don't kill yourself. Perhaps you should move somewhere else as soon as you graduate. A change of scenery might help, plus you can meet some new people, find new hobbies, and just live a different life. Message me if you ever need to talk.
Swiper, Don't you EVER say that you are not worthy of the life you live. It may seem hard and bleak at times, but in the end, no mater what, there are always friends for you to talk to.
You know that I'm more then willing to talk to you, man.
Now, as for the University: Yes, it is possible that you MAY just be a number to them (it's pretty likely), because all they care about is 3 things:
1). Getting freshmen in.
2). getting as much money out of you for 4 years as possible.
3). getting you out and into the work force.
But you know what?
The people that care about you, are the ones that take the time to write replies to this blog post.
The people that really care about you are not going to just sit back and let you hate yourself for something out of your control.
The people that REALLY care are the ones willing to do anything in their power to help you with any problem you have.
499458 , 499468 , and many others want to see you go on to be the most that you can be. Not because you write pone sex, but because we see the potential in you to go on and be something big.
A pro author.
A teacher.
What ever you want to be.
And I don't know about anyone else, but if I could just randomly appear next to you right now, I would give you a hug so big, tight, and long, that you would never recover from the happiness it brought you.
Swiper, Don't do anything stupid please. I don't want to see anything bad happen to you.
I may barely know you.
It's possible I don't know you at all.
But, what I do know, is that You are an inspiration to me.
You are an awesome author (regardless if someone says so or not), A great friend, and most importantly, A wonderful loving caring human being.
There are, by far, too few people with that great a combination of a personality.
Please don't throw that away.
Yours truly,
Vincent Carter (AKA DJ DASH3R)
P.S. *hugs you and gives you my shoulder to cry on*
P.S.S I have to say yes to ever number except #10 and #23, and yes it does effect my life some, but I work with it. We all have problems with our lives. don't let it effect your schooling.
Swiper. Of course there is benefit to you existing. You are a nice, bright person who is also a great author. I can understand that everything with your mother has been taxing, but ask yourself: do you honestly care about what she says? Sure, she's your mother, and has probably had influence in your life, but does her opinion really matter that much now? If she is too pig-headed to accept the fact that you have problems which you are dealing with, then she's not doing a very good job of being a parent.
Psychological departments are idiotic. Even though they claim to want to help you, I find that doubtful.
Although I am depressed as well, I can't pretend to understand what you are going through. But remember, that for every negative, there is most certainly a positive somewhere too. And if all of this emotional stuff doesn't help, just remember all the fun things there are to do. Happiness can be found in a lot of places.
Swiper, if you don't want to write, that's completely, totally fine. However, I would like if you could keep us in the know. We worry about you, because we care about you. You do matter, and always will.
Good luck, my friend.
-Plyxe
Swiper I known you and your stories for a long time, but I never known YOU and who you are my friend, you'll always be someone I look up to and respect, I wish to get to know you better and I will NEVER look at you differently no matter what you do or how you live your life, I'm not giving you pity, I'm giving you an honest option that if you ever need anything like a talk or something, I got your back...if you need any thing else...well, watch some MLP.
You turned yourself in? That's bad style man. I crashed, burned and got committed against my will.
Those are my favorite nights.
As for benefit to existing ... what, exactly, do you expect? There is no purpose in anything. No value. No meaning. No hope. And when you eventually die (the world is more than happy to kill you without your trying to do it), you'll be replaced and forgotten.
You get nothing, but that means you owe nothing. You're fretting on the intangibles when there are so many tangibles out there to enjoy. Music, alcohol, drugs, sex, philosophy, porn, violence, power, resistance, pain, pleasure, fine cuisine, etc.
It makes me angry how universities just treat people like numbers and completely fly over the massive amount of potential a person could have.
( I'm not currently enrolled in a college, but from your perspective I can sympathize with you.)
Hey Swiper, take a dump on your depression and instead feel the epicness emitting from Season 3 and fantastic art. Ex: Music, drawfriend, wallpaper, etc.
In fact, take that sadness and flip it.
499607 I can always count on you to deliver a depressingly honest review of life.
And also consider the fact that nobody else's opinions matter, because you know more about yourself then they do. That's just logic, for you.
Also, you're not worthless, at all. Your inspiration matters and your followers prove it.
I will leave you with one piece of advice, one that I always give when people are having trouble, because it's always relevant.
Things always seem at their worst right before they become their best.
You think you're useless? At least you can shit out literary talent, unlike the rest of us hacks. Even if there isn't much of a practical application for it, at least you got something that could be passed by for talent. The rest of us? Little shits in the barrels that will probably never make it out big in the world. We'll be stuck at the low bottom, and if we're lucky, find some decent paying job that doesn't take a complete crap on us.
You got something that the other 5 billion or so humans don't have, and that is literary talent over the cesspool of shit known as Man.
And I would go to bet you get good grades in class. Me? Barely passing Science and English, oddly enough. Always finding something to depress me. Actually, I stabbed myself with a pen last year. Twice. Then I stabbed myself with a pocket knife... Parents don't know about it, but the scars are there.
And on more than one occasion, I have held a knife to my throat, or rip apart the skin with pencil graphite. No word on using the Mosin for suicide, but...
At least you got your fans to fall back on. The rest of us? Good for nothing worthless inferiors that probably deserve to be shot dead. Twice over.
Great, there goes my fucking Nazi mindset again. You know how it just crawls into you psyche? Twisting your thoughts into something sinister?
Perhaps even to go on a major school shooting. I don't display the signs that past school shooters have shown in the past, but you never know.
But then again, perhaps that is due to my pessimistic nature. Always anticipating the worse before things get better. Bitter at a young age, that's just sad, you know? Hell, if the pressure starts building, I might just jump off a building.... Well, probably not that, but some penance in the form of pain.
We all have a sick psycho side to us, but usually it might never even reveal itself within our lifetime. Pressure is the trigger that sets it off.
You know what i mean? You are just reading another damned comment that in the long run of things probably won't matter a damned thing in the future. Just a waste of good oxygen for the most part. Pfft, and here I am, spouting off racial bullshit that has no hold in the biological sense whatsoever.
Sorry, just really needed to vent.
499458
*feel hugs*
499607
I'm just going to have to disagree. I see purpose in things. Maybe even in all things... although that may just be wishful thinking.
499612
Like I said in my past blog posts, bubbly, foreign ponies only make me more sad when I'm sad. (But they make me more happy when I'm happy). And 499620 , yeah, totally. I should really be believing in myself more. Thanks for posting.
I think laughter is the best cure. Just find some comedy somewhere, or just laugh at your own stories, whether it be personal or not.And, if bubbly ponies aren't your thing, read some really, really good grimdark pony literature with a lot of action. It does the job for me.
499664
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But really. The songs will pick you up out of your depression. "Pure Morning" and "All Apologies". If fact, let's quote "All Apologies", shall we?
"All in all is all you are."
499468
It's okay. Just being here is great.
499669
Yeah, I need an emotional boost, and then I'll feel at least somewhat better.
Also, the loads of comments are awesome! Wow, so much-- love!
I've given too many of these pep talks for a 16 year old.
You are an amazing person, and you are loved.
I would say more, but I'm brain dead. But I'll still be a shoulder to cry on, and I will never stop, because I care for you Swiper.
499682
I've been fluctuating to a lot of tunes... some Nirvana, loads and loads of Hole... right now it's Hit The Lights.
Yeah, music helps a lot. And, more importantly, all of the comments from friends. You're great.
All you guys are great!
499701 I suggest collective internet hug!
Except you, 499607. Go to the corner and think about what I've done.
This is for everyone!
499712
*and you especially*
499742
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499664
To put it in the most sarcastic terms possible (a shrink actually asked me this once): "How's that working out for you?"
Although, nothing will beat the time I was in the suicide ward and this balding fucker asked me, "Do you know what feelings are? Like, do you understand what it means to feel happy or sad?"
I hate psychologists.
That's about where I've been sitting for the longest time (minus the sexuality thing and plus the want to be a different gender in the first place), but I know you're softer than I am by several levels. I've since learned to bear it with a Cheshire grin, but then again, I'm running on a timer.
Four years, two hundred ad eleven days, sixteen hours, forty two minuets and forty eight seconds.
Tick tick tick tick BANG.
:D
Game Over.
Counselling doesn't work for me, so all I can say is be completely honest in everything you say. It makes it difficult if you lie for your own sake. Best of luck friend, if you really need someone to talk to, PM me and I'll try to get on Skype ASAP.
499755
Well, I have no positive view for them either.
So... what is there to lose seeing them? The worst they can do is tell me to f--king change my personality entirely or accept something bad about myself, and then I'll them them to go f--k themselves right back in their faces. I'm not anyone's... thing to play with.
I'm optimistic, though. But still kind of scared. I don't know.
499481
We can talk here... or you can talk to me on steam at the_fox_swiper ... and thanks for your emotional support!
499638
I hope so!
499491
I'll live through this.
499586
Right... and thanks for posting.
*hugs warmly with a few pats and back rubs*
I know that feel man. I know how filling that initial form feels after doing it 3 times. Its not a good feel.
(Heck, its worse than the feeling I get while filling a job application, and seeing all of the reasons why your likely to not get hired before I turn in the damn thing.
)
Though once you turn it in early tomorrow, things should hopefully pick up.
We may be just a number to the suits sitting in the boardroom plotting new and vile ways to seperate us from our money, but we all have a reason and a benefit to exist(beyond giving the suits money
). 
(I wish he would have gotten more screen time, dialog, and explanation). So while Fluttershy may be the weakest of the 6, she still plays an important role overall and provides various benefits to her pony friends.
I feel kinda bad about doing this but, take Fluttershy for example. If Fluttershy wasn't herself or alive when the mane 6(5 in this example) set out to retrieve the Elements of Harmony, then the 5 would have gotten fucked up or killed by the manticore, Equestria would be under eternal night, bathed in chaos, overrun with changelings, and in danger of...what ever threat Sombra posed
A.S. at 17 and B.S. at 20 and currently cranking out a masters?
Man, it took me 5 gorram years to finish my B.S. at 23 years old with a weak GPA, Im taking classes for an A.S. to fill skills gaps, and my parents are demanding I take a masters and Im currently 24 years old. Im actually more proud of my 3 IT certs that I got to auto-A three classes, than I am of my B.S.
I shared my graduation ceremony with several underclassmen that started Uni after I did (different majors, but still).
My mom hung the fact that my classmates graduated (and two got married) before I did during my extra senior year.
Most masters take longer to complete than its designed time, and thats accepted by many professionals.
I would blot out your schedule, UNT, the building name, and your DOB if I were you. People wanting to give you problems in real life can do the math with that info and intercept you. Then again, this is coming from a guy wanting to get into the IT Security field.
Where it PAYS to be paranoid!
How are you -11 days old?
Your gonna get though this,man.
*pats back while still hugging*
You'll get through this.
Tissue?
theblaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/38743-tissue-box.jpg
Hot Cocoa with cinnamon and Rarity added to it?
cdn3.mixrmedia.com/wp-uploads/girlybubble/blog/2011/03/cute-kawaii-stuff-epicute-lovely-hot-chocolate.jpg
What?
499813 Never a problem brother.
499492
I'll live through this, and-- yeah-- I just need to be... more self-confident... and not so self-hating... that comes hard, though.
Anyways, thanks for your post!
499493
Thank you!
499573
You're super sweet! And, honestly, reading your comments are great-- thanks... and... yeah, just thanks. It means a lot.
Swiper... I... I don't know what to say.... I wish I could help you in any way... But... I just don't know what to say...
500032
You don't have to say anything. Being here for me is enough.
sadpanda.us/images/1227465-M730YXV.jpg
Goddamnit, my timezone has made me miss the entire thing.
Bah, I don't even have the time to read you inspirational quotes from my book of Zen. Hell, I might as well just send you the book in the mail with how you're doing.
I for one am of the bi-polar sort, I have quite a noticable split personality. One moment I'll be a sadistic cynical bastard, and then a calm Zen master who hates violence. I would probably be where you are, but my Zen book and some nice music has instead thrust me into bone-idle apathy. I will look at myself and laugh that I am bi-winning.
Why? Because one of the things that I do is live in the moment. I may have a migraine and be vomiting everywhere, but paradise is where I am.
The Tao is near, and you seek it far away. Nothing can truly bring you peace but yourself, just as how no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Most Western psychological theories confuse the ego with the Self. As a result, we view the Self as an object in need of adaptation or correction.
Eastern philosophies distinguish between the two. The Self is to be realised, not perfected. It cannot be improved or altered.
In other words, aspire to be yourself, and not a conformist. If you want to be happy, be. If you aren't you, who will be?
Or, to be blunt, don't give a fuck.
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I know you don't know me from Adam, but I just thought I'd throw in my two bits. I have a great life right now---but if you'd told me that five years ago, I would've laughed and said it'd never happen, it's impossible, I'll never feel better, et cetera. I was so sick---dying, actually---that I could see no hope on the horizon. And now I feel blessed.
So... it IS possible. You WILL feel better, find someone who loves you, earn respect for your skills and intelligence, and succeed. Remember: failure is not the number of times you fall down. Success is the number of times you get back up.
Good luck. <3
P.S. Love your stories! XD
499497
I'll live through this. And thank you.
499585
Thanks for talking about how much you care and everything... and all of what you said... it means a lot.
499611
Fortunately, my preliminary appointment today went pretty... okay. I'm optimistic.
502093
Yeah...
501051
Thanks for reading! And that's a great point-- I have to be optimistic... sometimes that just gets hard...
well, you can't expect a university to sort out every individual's problems with a heartwarming attitude; they can't really focus on one person's issues. But screw the university, you still have us
I know it's probably too late for one but still *hugs* If you need to talk to someone I'd be happy to listen. I love helping people out with their problems.
499644
Damn... I just... am looking back at this blog post to make sure that I replied to everything... and I just came across this. That's pretty rough, man. I hope that you can see someone or do something and feel like you've gotten onto some kind of track or something. I guess since you're here for me-- I'm here for you, also.
512230
Just being here and commenting means a lot. And thanks for the offer. I might take it up soon.
502439
And you guys are great!
500567
I expect to get better. And being positive and understanding oneself is the key, for sure... and thanks for even just posting. That's good in and of itself.
500883
I was pretty sad earlier this week, but I'll live through this. And I'll really deal with underlying issues.
499837
Thanks for your post, and-- for just being there-- it alone is something real. I keep saying that, but it's true.
499698
499820
Ah, those things about blotting out and correcting the date were great!
Anyways, thanks for talking about your personal story, and your support is wonderful.
499834
It's tough... but I'll live through this. *mantra*