Results are in · 11:36am May 25th, 2019
Last month, I underwent a full chest CT and a colonoscopy as part of the joys of getting old. The results of both are in.
The chest CT was clear, amazingly enough, even after being a hard-core smoker since the age of ... 11, I think I was, and not quitting until 10 years ago this past February. The colonoscopy found two small polyps (small meaning under 4 mm) and the biopsy on those came back benign.
So, the good news is, nothing in my body is imminently going to kill me.
Insignificant whining under the spoiler bar, read at your own risk.
I'm still working on the belief I hold that I do not deserve to be breathing the same air as everyone else and lately have been contemplating methods to achieve the goal of not being alive anymore. As of yet, I have not had the desire to put those plans into practice, but even with the medication, I don't know what's going to happen day to day. Please don't suggest therapists, I don't trust them anymore and can't afford it anyway.
I understand completely.
Thoughts of suicide are constant, because of pain and what not. They are, for the most part, involuntary. They're just there. A constant presence that troubles me a bit, but I do not act on.
*hugs dearly*
I'm glad thou hast nothing threatening physically, mine friend!
Thoughts are simply thoughts, even those alike. I shan't commit a crime against Truth if 't be true I neigh that everypony hath them.
The difference, major difference, lieth in one clenching their teeth an trotting on, at which hour another folding their wings and crashing into the ground. Please keepest going, I know thou art strong enough for that
*hugs tight* Always here if you need me, my friend. I love you.