Fic Review: Dissonance: A Hidden World · 11:08pm May 13th, 2019
Trying yet another new style today...
Now, first off, can I just say? I love dedication. And that’s what BrainintheJar did here. As he said to me over Discord, this entire story is the culmination of 8 years of solid, hard work. I can’t help but respect that. Also, as Brain stated in the comments, Dissonance… Its story began all the way back in season two, and I had the pleasure of working on the plot intricacies of the first rewrite. When the sheer volume of the idea outgrew the free time of the original author, I was too invested in the project to just let it fizzle out, and so Mindblower allowed me to pick it up. It took another 6 seasons to finish, but finally, all the 60 chapters are done, and will be published weekly.
Even had a change of the main author, believe it or not. As I said, I cannot help but respect the determination of Brain here. But I’m not here to do that. I’m not here to tell an author how much I respect them for their drive. Oh no. I’m here to get down to the nitty-gritty of a review. Now, I will be harsh if I need to, but you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck if someone tells me I’m too harsh. A friend of mine, Vertigo, recently was told he was far too harsh on a story even if the said story was a load of garbage. I’m not here to shower you with praise every time and give you a gold star and told you did well squirt! Hell fucking no. I’m here to tell you what you did wrong, and how to fix it. Harsh, but ultimately fair is my motto. If you don’t believe me, ask Thunderclap after I got through with his Kamen Rider piece.
But enough of that. Now, first impressions count for me on stories. They really, really do. Right off the bad, from the first chapter onwards there are a few good things and bad things. First off, the setup. Now, from the onset, you look like you have a standard groundhog day style time loop. Namely, characters wakes up, and then relives the whole day over and over again with minor changes each time. Not here. Instead, it sets it up to be such a thing, before completely subverting your expectations completely in a subtle manner.
I really, honest to god like that. Now, Twilight Sparkle. She’s the one I want to keep an eye on throughout this whole story, seriously, She’s on point with her character, and she’s dangerously clever figuring out something is wrong from the outset.
Now, the downside of things. Music embeds. Yes, I understand that you’re trying to immerse you readers in the story, and I freely admit that I’ve done this as well but there is a problem. Namely, 90% of readers will not click on these music embeds. 90% or higher. Also, if you’re trying to go for nostalgia with Kingdom Hearts music… Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t play to nostalgia. Seriously, it’s cheap. Like, very cheap. Now, if you weren’t intending to play on nostalgia, I apologize but it really feels like you are.
Grammar wise, it’s not that bad but there are a few issues. Take a line like this for instance.
The earth pony stallion she had been trying to wake up, Sepia Toc was disintegrated
You do this a couple of times where you remember one comma for the explanatory phrase or direct address and then, you forget the second comma. I would recommend Grammarly, just as a helpful hand here and there. For the most part, it’s good on that front but I would recommend Grammarly.
Afterthoughts… AKA the part EVERYBODY and I do mean EVERYBODY hates.
The final notes of it all. Yes, what we’ve got here is a good story in set up, and premise but there’s also so much dragging it down like the aforementioned grammar issues and the music embeds. It’s distracting. If you can put these aside, maybe, maybe you’ll find something worth looking at but as it stands so far…
7/10
I fail to see how musical embeds are distracting.
They don't break up the flow at all.
5058233
Wasn't like that. No, more like this.
Clicky me here!
Still bit distracting, especially when the author outright says it's a musical embed.
I always prefer when the music is more of a link to a YouTube vid you can have playing in another tab. I feel it is less jarring that way. I know you've done this in the first Wild Access a few times, and almost every time it enhances the current scene for me.