Reviewing the Lunaverse: Part 1 (Stories 1-3, Webisode 1) · 8:29am Nov 4th, 2012
Hey, remember when I asked why people liked the Lunaverse because I couldn’t figure it out? And when I wrote that review that said I was done with it? Well, apparently I’m going to review every single (completed) story in it! Why? Well, because there are all sorts of things, good and bad, that I could go into, but mostly because one guy asked for it and I love torturing myself. So, let’s look at the first block of interesting tales…
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Story 1: Longest Night, Longest Day
Written By: RainbowDoubleDash
SYNOPSIS:
In a possibly cube-shaped universe somewhere, Princess Celestia went nuts and had to be sealed in the sun by Princess Luna, who then took control of the nation. A thousand years later, Luna’s personal student, Trixie, is banished to Ponyville on the pretense of preparing for the longest night of the year. Little do they know that the seal keeping the Tyrant Sun Corona locked away is about to break, and Trixie will soon find herself learning the truth about friendship and harmony and…
Okay, it’s a bizarro version of the show’s Pilot episode.
REVIEW:
LNLD can actually be considered the second pilot for the Lunaverse (“Boast Busted” was the first published story), and thus takes its time to set up the ground for the stories that follow. Unlike the show’s Pilot, though, RDD has the freedom to set up a lot more details on the universe, including establishing characters that weren’t even invented when the show was in early production, showing us the various changes between universes, and so forth. The story is also significantly more adventurous and epic in scope; Corona actually does evil things, the stakes are much higher and more immediate, and the world is built up a lot more from the get-go. There are some issues with pacing, however, especially during the introductions and just before the end, but for the most part the story works here.
As for the characters, most of the cast is introduced quite well, albeit in a superficial way for the time being. The inclusion of more obscure background ponies like Raindrops and Carrot Top alongside Lyra and Ditzy is an interesting choice, as is making Cheerilee (who is not a scumbag teacher here) an Element Bearer, but the real award has to go to Trixie. She is such an amazing asshole for much of the early part of the story, but it bites her back in an appropriate way, and by the end she is given a fairly realistic amount of character growth. So, on those two counts, the story is a success, right?
Well…
The problem I have with LNLD is that it basically encapsulates every single complaint I have with the Lunaverse in one story. The baseline Mane 6 are supposed to be introduced as slightly Flanderized versions of their canon selves, but due to a combination of a hideously unreliable focus character, some rather brushed-over writing, and a few poor choices, all of them come off as unsympathetic losers worthy only of scorn. Applejack is your basic super-businesspony out to crush the little pony, Rainbow Dash is a bigoted flankhole, and Fluttershy is so shy that she’s basically incapable of any form of contact, but the worst has to be what happens to Rarity and Pinkie; instead of being changed, they’re left mostly the same, but with the universe now actively hating them for being who they are.
And then you have our villains. For most of the story, Corona is actually pretty cool, serving as a more competent but utterly insane version of Nightmare Moon. But at the end, any sort of reconciliation is slammed down by making her a cartoonishly insane loon. I’ve already spoken my piece on this, but let’s just say that this story’s ending felt like a slap in the face. But the worst part is – and spoilers, here – Zecora. Not only is she with Spike for reasons that just feel like an excuse to jam him in there, but she’s also an evil sun worshipper just so Celestia could actually have a way to escape. It honestly feels like it’s completely undermining the entire point of “Bridle Gossip” by saying that the group should never have trusted Zecora because…well, she’s a sun-worshipping zebra.
OVERALL RATING: Meh
While there are some good things here, this is not a story that I personally recommend starting with. The entire backstory is rehashed in almost every other fic in the universe, so if you wanted to jump on with one of the better stories, then do that. On the other hand, if you don’t have the same hang-ups that I do, then dive right in. Just be prepared for a looooong swim.
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Webisode 1: The Night After
Written By: Blackbelt
SYNOPSIS:
After the madness of Corona’s return and subsequent defeat, Trixie’s residence is wrecked, leaving the mare homeless for the night. With no hotels in service, she’s forced to find shelter with one of her new friends. How hard can that be…
REVIEW:
“The Night After” is the first Webisode entry in the Lunaverse – a story that either serves as a shorter addition to a regular story, or focuses on characters and events outside of the scope of the series itself. While it’s recommended that one reads LNLD before diving into this one, it’s not really all that necessary. Most of the important information is imparted in the story’s opening, and it’s short enough that not much else is required to understand what’s going on.
As for the story itself, it’s mostly just Trixie bouncing from place to place in a desperate quest to get some shut-eye. Outside of a sad moment with Ditzy and Dinky, her encounters are mostly on the silly side of things. Lyra and Bon-Bon are very loudly…comforting each other, Raindrops lives in a tiny house with her parents and Snails (her brother in this continuity for some reason), and you just have to read what happens at Cheerilee’s place. Nothing in the story is drop-dead hilarious, especially thanks to quite a few technical errors, but a lot of it did make me smile a little.
Overall Rating: Good/Okay
While this story is by no means required reading, it’s still a fairly entertaining diversion. It’s short enough that you could get through it in about twenty minutes, and there are a few good jokes and scenes mixed in there. If you loved LNLD, you’ll probably like this one. Otherwise, I do recommend at least giving it a look.
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Story 2: Family Matters
Written By: RainbowDoubleDash
SYNOPSIS:
Dinky, that adorable little tyke, has saved up enough money to finally buy Ditzy the perfect birthday present: a necklace from the newest jewelry store in Ponyville. What she doesn’t know, however, is that the store’s proprietor, Amethyst “Sparkler” Star, holds a dark connection to Ditzy’s past. Equestria’s greatest mom must now owe up to one of the worst mistakes she ever made…
REVIEW:
“Family Matters” is the first full Lunaverse story that doesn’t attempt to follow or subvert an actual episode. Granted, it was still early in the AU’s existence, so outside of a couple brief crossovers with the next story and constant references to Corona and the horrible life-giving sun, it could honestly work as a regular fanfic in its own right. But I digress.
If there’s a weakness with this story, it’s that it takes a while to really get going. How much you’ll enjoy the first two chapters depends a lot on how much you like Dinky. You know that old Internet joke about people going into diabetic shock from adorableness? If that was actually true, then those two chapters alone would make RDD the worst murderer in the history of mankind. The one thing that makes them bearable is the amount of lampshade hanging and tongue-in-cheek joking that goes on throughout.
Once Ditzy learns about Sparkler, however, things very quickly swing into gear. To cut it short, Ditzy had a relationship with Amethyst Star’s father, which resulted in her getting pregnant with Dinky and Sparkler’s family falling apart. This is the material that soap operas have regularly turned to tripe, but RDD actually handles the subject very maturely. Ditzy is not portrayed as the helpless victim of a stallion’s carnal lusts, nor is she a floozy looking for a quick score. She is simply a mare that made a horrible mistake, one that cost her and others dearly but also gave her a wonderful daughter. Sparkler hates Ditzy for what she did, but what she wants more than revenge is to have her daughter back.
Dinky, meanwhile, is caught in between, with only a foal’s understanding of what’s going on. Much of the story is told from her perspective, with plenty of asides about big words she can’t understand and frustrations over how her mother keeps hiding stuff from her. The ending – a quick jab at Pinkie aside – is also very adult, presenting no quick fixes but also showing that things don’t have to be an endless cycle of hatred and depression.
OVERALL RATING: Excellent
As it stands, this is my favorite completed story in the Lunaverse so far. (“Tales of Ponyville” came close until Chapter Five, and it’s not complete yet, either.) Some hiccups with Dinky’s sugary sweetness aside, it’s a surprisingly tragic story of a pony learning to live with her past. If you want to start at the beginning of the Lunaverse, this is the one I recommend reading first.
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Story 3: Helping…Hands?
Written By: RainbowDoubleDash
SYNOPSIS:
On the day of her first solo show, Lyra heads over to Trixie’s house for what is supposed to be a quick test of a recently-translated zebra spell. Due to a translation error, however, Lyra is transformed into a naked bear-like creature. Can Trixie reverse the spell in time for the concert? Of course not; that would be boring.
REVIEW:
When you get down to it, “Helping…Hands?” is one part goofy adventure story about Trixie blowing a spell (but because of somepony else, unlike that stupid Twilight Sparkle) and one part parody of Lyra’s most significant piece of fanon. In fact, RDD apparently wrote this one as a way to cool down after three more dramatic stories. Sounds like a masterpiece of comedy, right? Well, it is and it isn’t.
In all honesty, the first part of the story falls rather flat. The chapters in Ponyville all follow a very strict “Trixie and Lyra do stuff, meet up, do ritual, fail” pattern, with only the portions in between changing. Trixie’s antics are basic slapstick pieces, coupled with Bon Bon trying to murder her for a good part of the story. Lyra’s scenes, meanwhile, basically amount to the same joke over and over: she’s a naked human who doesn’t know what a naked human is. None of the jokes go above the PG rating, but at the same time, they aren’t particularly clever or hilarious, either. It’s almost entirely just her cursing the existence of hands or playing peacekeeper between Trixie and Bon Bon.
Once they get to Canterlot, however, things improve significantly. The actual performance is one of the highlights of the piece, with Grass&Clouds2 (a name that will be coming up much more often as these reviews progress) writing almost all of that section. The confrontation with the morons who translated the spell was by far the funniest part of the story, and their fate at the end was well deserved.
OVERALL RATING: Okay
“Helping…Hands?” is pretty much a one-joke premise, but for what it is, it’s done fairly well. It’s actually pretty nice to see a piece of fanon inverted like this, especially one so aggressively aggravating as Lyra and hands. Unfortunately, a lot of the humor just didn’t work for me. Still, if you want to try a comedy, you might give this one a look. Perhaps it’ll tickly your funny bone more than it did mine.
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And that’s the end of the first group. Tune in…whenever I finish the next ones. For now, I have the strangest urge to dig out my old GameCube…
NEXT TIME: Trixie wraps up Winter (badly), Raindrops squares off against a mythical beast, Trixie goes looking for an assistant, and the gang takes time out of a Parasprite invasion to tell Pinkie that she’s a bad pony.
TLDR + drunk = I'll read it in the morning
Something tells me you didn't like Ill Communication...
Hey I thought those reviews were fine! None of us are professional writers, or even fanfic hotshots, so off course our stories are gonna have flaws, clunky execution of great ideas or great execution of clunky ideas... we understand that. We're not gonna get mad at you for criticizing our stories.
especially if it gets more people to find them.
I'm gonna try to finish Where There is Smoke before you get there in the chronology!!
I know it's not 'complete' but you should have made at least a passing mention of Longest Night: Everypony's Day since all the chapters so far as pretty much independant stories on their own.
Overall a set of fair assessments, and it might surprise you to know, but not even all that far off from my own (if more harsh, but that's to be expected from a critique). You even made me laugh out loud a few times; here's hoping I can maintain that jovial mood next time when my story goes up on the chopping block.
Anyway the one major exception I had in comparison was that I found the humor in Helping Hands better at the start than the end. Mostly because I rather feel like it suffered from a sizable amount of ending fatigue. The story reaches it's obvious climax with the musical performance, but afterwards the story still drags on for two more chapters (not counting the epilog) in order to resolve the naked-bear issue. The gags associated with the translation team's utter incompetence were still thoroughly amusing and all, but it still creates something of a pacing issue.
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Probably doubly so because it may well never be technically 'complete'. I mean, there are already a lot of background and supporting characters to potentially get chapters and as new stories are written that list will likely grow.
Family Matters is probably my favorite Lunaverse story too.
*scratches head* Now I know for sure I'm not going to read the Lunaverse, though... "Family Matters" might be one I could give a shot to.
Well, Interesting reviews here, can’t say I disagree with all of your points, but then again there’s no such thing as a flawless series/story, so I’m just going to address a few of the issues that really stood out to me, regardless I hope you continue to take an active interest in the Lunaverse.
I will say some of your language choices/tone were for lack of better words kind of aggressive or seemed to paint a less than neutral picture of what you were reviewing but seeing as it’s your opinion and I did find some of them amusing and we aren’t paying you or anything it’s not like I have any right to complain. So, sorry in advance, I’ll try not to slip again.
I like more or less everyone in the Lunaverse especially RDD agree that the M6 have been somewhat overused and had more of a spotlight on their flaws than anyone of us wanted or intended but we are trying to fix that. I do somewhat think you are, for lack of better words exaggerating our take on the M6, the final line about the L6 taking time out in the middle of an invasion ETC and Pinkie ETC also seems a little unfair, to me at least.
As it stands Pinkie and Rarity are essentially the same as canon sans their Mverse social circle, the key difference is in the point of view characters, if Rarity and Applejack weren't at first tied together by their harmony status and Twilight at the start they'd likely have extremely negative takes on the other character, regardless of actual facts, I like to think that's sort of the case with one or two members of the L6s take on these ponies.
Pinkie is still generally popular and well liked, the key difference is in point of view character, namely Trixie and Lyra particularly, Lyra veers towards laziness and so while she find the parties enjoyable she finds them tiring, this isn’t really an unreasonable point as even verse ponies & Donkies can find Pinkie trying at times.
As for Trixie, it essentially comes down to an odd first impression and a different protagonist, Pinkie isn’t any worse or more disliked than in canon, it’s just two of the 6 main point of view characters mostly only see her for all intents and purposes public face and aren’t as enthused about parties as she is.
And in regards to the Parsprite invasion, that sorta ended with all of them passing the blame around more or less equally, Pinkie should have explained herself and asked for help, something she didn’t do in canon either but the L6 primarily Trixie aren’t entirely inclined to listen and they do admit that and work together to solve the problem.
I can see where the issue came from and I agree with you to some extent on many issues, if not to the same extent, I just felt it wasn’t an entirely accurate view of the situation.
Wow this mostly focuses on the M6, please don’t feel that I’m trying to “justify” any negative views or possible swipes, we might or have taken against the original cast or prove that the L6 are at all "better" both groups are equally flawed that's why we like them. I just felt a few of the scenarios needed a bit more context or alternative take.
I do agree with your issues regarding Spike and Zecora especially Spike's unecesarry inclusion and in regards to Twilight as-well now that I think of it, though possibly for other reasons.
In regards to Corona I didn’t mind her staying around and while delusional and dangerous reconciliation will come, but I can’t deny how pleased I am to have a powerful arc villain hanging in the background and look forward to her and Luna’s reconciliation. But the villains are more a matter of personal taste.
Also Celestia is my favourite Princess
I liked you review of Family Matter but one sentence confused me:
I’m sorry if any of this came across as rude or aggressive that wasn’t my intent I have a great deal of respect for you and I look forward to seeing other reviews and opinions in the future, again sorry if I have acted rude or biased, annoying or have misinterpreted/misrepresented your views, as that was not my intent.
"Family Matters" is the best out of all of the Lunaverse stories I have read, hands down. Unfortunately, if you cut out a mention at the beginning of Ditzy being the element of kindness, a bit in the middle where Fithy Rich freaks out about buying gold jewelry, and a bit at the end where Dinky runs into Trixie and Lyra on their Helping Hands plot—none of which actually add anything important to the plot—you would have a perfectly normal canon-compliant pony story. When I got to that second bit, I actually had to take a five minute time out to parse exactly what Filthy's issue was because I had forgotten that I was even reading a Lunaverse story.
I think characterization is the Lunaverse's biggest problem. Boast Busted was good. It worked as a nice 'what if' story and ended before it could overplay its hand, but there was a part in LNLD where I just realized 'all of these ponies are unpleasant to read about.' The main characters seemed like decent ponies by virtue of being the main characters, the side characters were jerks becuase they weren't the main characters, and Corona not being fixed back into being Celestia only happened that way because RDD wanted to keep her about as a villain. It's not that the subject matter itself is poor, just that the execution and reasoning in a number of places is either very slapdash or carries some unintended unfortunate implications.
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Admittedly, the line about Pinkie was a joke...to an extent. And you're right, a lot of the character stuff has improved since these early stories. Still, what RDD wanted to show and what was actually presented are two different things, and while that's not as much of an issue now, it was a game killer for me back when I first tried to read the story. A lot of it was just poor execution, however.
Oh, you're fine. Feel free to comment on anything.
I think you meant "family" back, unless Sparkler's hiding something I don't know about...
Oh, and Zeocra wasn't included in LNLD just to add a way for Corona escape. I reversed Zecora because...well, I personally thought it'd be fun if she really was an evil enchantress in this universe. Then I decided to have her aid in Corona's escape.
473807
Early installments in the Lunaverse tended to prortray the Mane-6 as jerks mostly because we wanted to quickly and easily distinguish them from their baseline counterparts and because they were a free, available resource. I think we went overboard, personally, and defaulted them to antagonist status too quickly and too hard. I never intended that, especially not what's happened with Applejack, and I'm working hard to "fix" them to get them closer to the way I had originally intended.
I originally wanted to include a scene in LNLD that was going to show each of the Mane-6 (sans Twilight, of course) having been ponies kidnapped by Corona, but I a) couldn't figure out a way to get Fluttershy there, and b) it was running long already. I wanted to include the scene to basically vindicate them and their earlier appearances, though - to show that while yeah, they were jerks in their earlier appearances but they're still fundamentally good ponies. On the other hand, it was suggested that it was good that this was cut lest we get the sense that the Luna-6 are just "filling in" because the Mane-6 weren't around.
And yeah, Corona's still Corona because I wanted a recurring villain. Whom so far has barely recurred. I was all set to have her show up and play a major role in "The Return of Tambelon," mind, my next story once "Tales of Ponyville" is completed, but several people, including InsertAuthorHere, have told me to give that one a skip for now so that I can get to "The Grand Galloping Gala" and finish off the Lunaverse's Season 1 and its ongoing political plot arc.
Yay!
While I liked eps 1-3 more than you, I still really enjoyed reading your critiques. I agree overall with the broad thrusts of your criticisms, even if they didn't detract from the stories as much in my opinions. But it's always interesting to have another set of eyes on things.
Also agreeing on Family Matters being one of the most awesome L-verse stories so far. Dinky makes everything cool.
And I'm glad you liked the music scene in Helping Hands. :-)
474092: Overall, I think I'm glad the 'M6 captured' scene was cut. That would have detracted from the pacing, and I don't think it was necessary. After all, in the Lunaverse, the M6 are just a bunch of random ponies; there'd be no sense in focusing specificaly on them during LNLD. (That all said, I'm glad some folks are writing those scenes in LNEPD.)
474206
The problem is that in the Lunaverse the M6 are a bunch of random jerk ponies, or at least come across that way (except Fluttershy, she's just the thing that doormats walk all over), and I played no small part in getting that particular ball rolling. Also, while we can talk about how "it's a different universe and different show," at the end of the day we are peering into the Lunaverse from this side of the fence, meaning that we still know the M6.
Nothing is drop dead hilarious!?
Tell me, hath thou read the updated versions? I rewrote The Night After because I got bored.
Two words dood: DREAM SEQUENCE
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Yes, I did...
It was amusing, but not super-duper make-you-laugh-to-death funny.
Sorry.
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oh, ok. Just making sure your laughter experience was as maximized as I could make it. ^_^
to be fair, zecora's motives were a mystery at the time, especially since she DID help out the group somewhat before the reveal, and overall didn't actually come off as 'evil evil evil'. And of course Corona doesn't get redeemed easily, she's VERY different from Nightmare MOon and its ahrd to say what effects the Elements would canonically have on such a character.
Of the canon mane six, only rainbow dash, applejack and twilight are portrayed as antagonists, and they canonically DO have very negative traits that make them act like assholes (Applebuck season for Applejack, pretty much every episode in the first two seasons that focused on Rainbow Dash, Lesson Zero and Feeling PInkie Keen for Twilight), and the others are simply viewed as either there (rarity), kinda sad (fluttershy) and annoying (pinkie), and its not unreasonable to see why one would think that from an outsider's perspective. PLus, all their negative traits are a product of different lives and lacking people to ground them (Applejack has a very different reason for being a jackass in season one, though). Saying that everyone 'hates' these characters within the lunaverse or that they're 'all' assholes in this setting is an over generalisation I've seen thrown about everywhere, and its frankly not fair.
PLus, the lunaverse six aren't perfect either.