This story takes place in The Lunaverse. After the events of Longest Night, Longest Day, Trixie's house has been destroyed by rioting ponies, so now she must seek out the help of her friends to find a place to stay until her place can be fixed. Hilarity ensues.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I got bored, so this happened.
That ending... I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything...
A few typos, though. If you don't mind...
"My friends will get here and than you'll never be able to hurt anyone ever again!" Should be 'then'.
Corona rose slowly from here throne, walked towards Trixie, walking through the flames, the flames themselves parting, letting Corona through.
*Should be 'her'
Okay, dream-Corona yelling in Bon Bon's voice was hilarious.
After I finished reading this I was going to open up the original to compare, but that seems to be gone now. By my memory though, this looks to be a major improvement.
"had"
"joked"
I still think it would be better if the motel where full up with travelers from all over Equestria, but this line is almost funny enough to make me overlook that bit of fridge logic.
I think "anyone" would be more appropriate.
Minor quibble perhaps but "on" might seem more correct.
Technically correct I guess, but using the word "earlier" like that twice sounds a bit repetitive. I'd suggest keeping the first and dropping the second.
1166111
Yes, yes it was.
oh my god that ending is amazing!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png
That was a pretty good rewrite. Boredom seems good for your writing.
Now, I'm sorry but I must break character (from myself) and correct what both you, RK_Striker and Emeral somehow missed.
Don't you mean the Lunaverse?
Okay, that's one's a joke. Now for the
seriousless stupidactual corrections.I think there's a quote mark missing at the start. And an 'at' in the middle.
- 'that she would not have to'
missing punctuation of some sort after "right"
Add an apostrophe for possession
Snips in? Snips is.
Wow. I never expected to actually do correcting for anything here (as in FiMFiction in general), no matter how much I saw. I guess stuff like the thousand instances of 'drug' instead of 'dragged' finally drove me over the edge required for proofing.
([not to you specifically, just need to vent this] I don't care if 'drug' is what you learned to use in school, I don't care how many teachers tell you that you should use it. It's wrong. You're supposed to use dragged.)
1166111 Yes, it was. My sides still hurt from laughing so hard.
I guess Cheerilee was right...Lyra really DOES have a strong command of the Equestrian tongue.
This rewrite is funnier than the original.
HA! I like the dream addition. The re-write is a definite improvement and cleanup. Good job!
Should be 'needs someone to pony it', maybe?
Oh, Lyra!
Noticed a few typos, but otherwise this is definitely an improvement.
The ending has been doubled!
New dream ending is epic.
Nicely done, especially the Carrot Top reveal, which I really should have seen coming. ^^ I love Trixie's 'The show must go on' mentality, as well. :)
I don't know too much of the Lunaverse I freely admit but That was hysterical Trixie's behaviour with Snails was true D'awww level.
So many errors
Snails was the little brother unicorn Raindrops was talking about?
THAT. IS. AWESOME!
Oh god, that ending, I loved it. This was hilarious and a perfect way to end it.
Move paragraph down a line.
__________________
Move paragraph up to the eclipses.
______________
Move down a line.
____________
Um
______________
If that was supposed to be spoken out loud it needs beginning " marks.
________________
Twixie
_______________
What
_____________
Lyra's tongue is the fuel of many sexy nightmares. Poor Trixie.
5164744
All that stuff was intentional, actually.
5171421
Including not capitalizing names, or the beginning of sentences? And the 'Fifth time's a charm' the end " marks, where are the beginning ones supposed to be? But the lines though, I can get that ... one of those weird artistic license with paragraphs that I see every now and then.
Okay, this was funny. Snails being Raindrops' younger brother is a surprise, maybe he and Dinky, along with Snips form this universes' equivalent of the Cutie Mark Crusaders hmm.
Anyway, loved the end and yes, it does seem as if Lyra has a strong command of the Equestrian tongue lol.
Very funny ending!
This is a rather funny cap to the first story.
2nd reread, and I'm so glad this is canon. It's literally the perfect follow up.
How has this story not gotten more likes than it has? It's amazing!