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Blackbelt

Joined March 2012
84 followers

Stories (10)

Blog Posts (69)


This story takes place in The Lunaverse. After the events of Longest Night, Longest Day, Trixie's house has been destroyed by rioting ponies, so now she must seek out the help of her friends to find a place to stay until her place can be fixed. Hilarity ensues.

First Published
23rd May 2012
Last Modified
27th Aug 2012

Comments ( 16 )

#1 · 86w, 2d ago · · ·

I got bored, so this happened.

#2 · 86w, 2d ago · 4 · ·

That ending... I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything...

A few typos, though. If you don't mind...

"My friends will get here and than you'll never be able to hurt anyone ever again!" Should be 'then'.

Corona rose slowly from here throne, walked towards Trixie, walking through the flames, the flames themselves parting, letting Corona through.

*Should be 'her'

#3 · 86w, 2d ago · 2 · ·

Okay, dream-Corona yelling in Bon Bon's voice was hilarious.

#4 · 86w, 2d ago · · ·

After I finished reading this I was going to open up the original to compare, but that seems to be gone now.  By my memory though, this looks to be a major improvement.

Trixie has not been in Ponyville long,
"had"

She joke to herself cynically
"joked"

"THAT IS NOT HOW THE WORD CONVENIENCE WORKS!"

I still think it would be better if the motel where full up with travelers from all over Equestria, but this line is almost funny enough to make me overlook that bit of fridge logic.

I'll make sure that monster won't get everyone ever again.
I think "anyone" would be more appropriate.

She saw a bench, which she sat in,
Minor quibble perhaps but "on" might seem more correct.

You know, earlier he wouldn't shut up about the show you put on earlier,
Technically correct I guess, but using the word "earlier" like that twice sounds a bit repetitive.  I'd suggest keeping the first and dropping the second.

>>1166111

Yes, yes it was. :trollestia:

#6 · 86w, 2d ago · · ·

That was a pretty good rewrite. Boredom seems good for your writing.

Now, I'm sorry but I must break character (from myself) and correct what both you, RK_Striker and Emeral somehow missed.

wondering if the Universe had planned this

Don't you mean the Lunaverse? :trollestia: Okay, that's one's a joke. Now for the serious less stupid actual corrections.

I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I did that"

I think there's a quote mark missing at the start. And an 'at' in the middle.

praying to Luna herself that would not have to

- 'that she would not have to'

'Cheerilee was right She DOES have a strong command of the Equestrian tongue...'

missing punctuation of some sort after "right"

Raindrops house

Add an apostrophe for possession

"Snips in gonna be SO jealous!"

Snips in? Snips is.

Wow. I never expected to actually do correcting for anything here (as in FiMFiction in general), no matter how much I saw. I guess stuff like the thousand instances of 'drug' instead of 'dragged' finally drove me over the edge required for proofing.

([not to you specifically, just need to vent this] I don't care if 'drug' is what you learned to use in school, I don't care how many teachers tell you that you should use it. It's wrong. You're supposed to use dragged.)

#7 · 86w, 2d ago · 3 · ·

>>1166111  Yes, it was.  My sides still hurt from laughing so hard.:rainbowlaugh:  I guess Cheerilee was right...Lyra really DOES have a strong command of the Equestrian tongue.:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

This rewrite is funnier than the original.

#8 · 86w, 2d ago · · ·

HA! I like the dream addition. The re-write is a definite improvement and cleanup. Good job!

#9 · 86w, 2d ago · 2 · ·

But since Town Hall always needs someone to man it
Should be 'needs someone to pony it', maybe?

#10 · 86w, 2d ago · · ·

Oh, Lyra! :rainbowlaugh:

Noticed a few typos, but otherwise this is definitely an improvement. :twilightsmile:

#11 · 86w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

The ending has been doubled!

#12 · 86w, 1d ago · · ·

New dream ending is epic.

#13 · 68w, 4d ago · · ·

Nicely done, especially the Carrot Top reveal, which I really should have seen coming. ^^ I love Trixie's 'The show must go on' mentality, as well. :)

#14 · 61w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

I don't know too much of the Lunaverse I freely admit but That was hysterical Trixie's behaviour with Snails was true D'awww level.

#15 · 56w, 3d ago · 1 · 3 ·

So many errors :pinkiesick:

#16 · 22w, 3d ago · · ·

Snails was the little brother unicorn Raindrops was talking about?

THAT. IS. AWESOME!

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