• Member Since 17th Nov, 2011
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Chayn


“You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.” -Stephen King

More Blog Posts3

  • 295 weeks
    Chayn Critiques! FoE: Old World Blues

    I don't write as often as I should have, really, but I'm lazy, so there is that. I still love FoE as a subfandom, and, well, ponies in general, hence ponies+postapoc=awesome. I've GMed and played in such a setting, and, well, I like reading fanfiction, specifically FoE stuff. Sadly, some of it is... how to put it? Lacking? Yes, quite. I see a thing, I try to help it, and recently I decided "why

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    3 comments · 199 views
  • 626 weeks
    Concerning ABtB

    No, I'm writing...uh...this... it's just ultra super slow, that's all.
    Uwo piny modules, which I'm DMing eat my time like langoliers... or worse. When I gor some time, I write. It's just I don't want to push myself over it.
    Honestly... I like this story. I like this character, even if HiE story is almost cliche... I.. almost know how this story will end, but, you know what?

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    7 comments · 414 views
Sep
23rd
2018

Chayn Critiques! FoE: Old World Blues · 10:59am Sep 23rd, 2018

I don't write as often as I should have, really, but I'm lazy, so there is that. I still love FoE as a subfandom, and, well, ponies in general, hence ponies+postapoc=awesome. I've GMed and played in such a setting, and, well, I like reading fanfiction, specifically FoE stuff. Sadly, some of it is... how to put it? Lacking? Yes, quite. I see a thing, I try to help it, and recently I decided "why not make copies of my critiques into somewhat of a blog post?" Consider it a pilot episode or something.
Mind you, I'm mostly hunting for logical mishaps, mistakes and derps, so you've been warned.

Author: Maverick Ace
Title: Fallout Equestria: Old World Blues
Synopsis: The Ministry of Awesome had a large Special Operations Force that was for all and intents and purposes under the command of Rainbow Dash. She had these soldiers full respect, loyalty, and in a few rare cases their hearts. With the end of the Great War looming on every-ponies mind, and the odd preparations that Pinkie Pie had Rainbow doing up until and even after the war had ended in balefire. Rainbow put her own plan in place, to not just help Little Pip and Blackjack, but also to help the wasteland itself. Operation Black guardian was meant to have special agents cryogenically frozen and stashed away in balefire hardened MoA safe houses across Equestria. This story follows one of these agents as he tries to carry-out the orders he was given, as he copes with the Wasteland as it is now, and the prejudices he had formed before the war had begun. Because war wether in the mind or between ponies or other creatures never changes.

Commentary:

...there was a time of great strife. Where neighboring land fought neighboring land.

Either I'm wrong or... *checks rules* ah, an artifact of speaking.

Where family fought family, and where zebra fought pony.

And sometimes pony fought pony and zebra fought zebra since both were on different sides. Also, griffons, dragons... but I understand the meaning.

Equestria, like many a country on Equis, was determined to find a winning solution.

There were exactly two warring countries: Zebrica and Equestria. Nothing is known about any other major players. So, one-two-many doesn't work here.

Secret wars were fought with specialized teams and high tech weaponry, the likes that common zebra or pony never saw. Some of these specialists were cryogenically frozen, along with some members of the Ministry of Awesome.

If I'm not mistaken than Dash didn't even really believe Pinkie all that much even while delivering the six orbs package.

The ministry mares...once the elements of harmony

Ministry Mares, Elements of Harmony. Capital letters, eh? Also, they weren't Elements themselves, they were Bearers.

Robotics, Weapons, Armor, and of course… magic.

Why all of it capitalized except for magic? Why it should be capitalized at all? Also, isn't robotics is a division of science rather than an item of war? Robots, however...

For the kind and shy elements of kindness and ministry mares of peace,

More capital letters were missed in the massacre, pool victims of grammatical war...

For the kind and shy elements of kindness and ministry mares of peace, they created the tool of destruction that nearly wiped all living beings off the face of the planet.

Initially it was a healing spell, and, before that, merely an approach to create massive spells by linking several unicorns. also, we don't know about the state of different countries, especially far away. And, again, capital letters.

This was the Megaspell, though made deadlier by the Zebra by adding a balefire egg to the weapon.

Wasn't Pink Cloud a megaspell too?

And the once peaceful land of Equestria was once again brought back into a nation knowing only war...because war never changes…

"Once again"? When it was like that? I mean, it's a good reference to Oly War, but... when Equestria was at war?

Waking up in a Cryotube after being knocked out in your home is quite aggravating, though it can become a horrifying prospect if you were frozen for just over two hundred years like I’d been. I woke up in a completely different area than where I lived as well.

It would be weird if he stayed in the same general area, so surprise-surprise...

I was then stationed in that god awful city of Hoofington at Shadowbolt tower.

PH... *sounds of changeling disgust* Whatever. There is no god, only Goddesses, if we're talking Equestria religion.

Maverick, when you wake up you may be contacted by an organization called the Grand Pegasus Enclave do not, I repeat DO NOT join them or engage with them positively. They are not who they say they are. They might be a nation of pegasi but they are not the continuation of government that Luna or Celestia would have wanted. Stick to the wasteland, it will offer you more ways to help then even your orders outline. I hope the princesses give you luck, RD.

Ahem. GPA weren't even existing before The Last Day, so where does that prognostication comes from?
And, of course, that buck knows RD, go figure.

The sidearm was a typical 12.7mm handgun that had some interesting logos on it.

You mean sidearm for hunting bears/Steel Rangers, capable of dislocating the shoulder and snapping wrist? Good choice. Why would you need that again?

It has specialized hacking tools as well as the ability to encrypt any communications you receive on it

Sure, more unique loot. Encryption is making the code, decryption is breaking one, by the way.

Guess they had a reason to abduct me from my home…

Yeah, without explaining anything and without any sort of briefing. Sure.

instinctually doing everything

"Reflexively" or "going through routine". Instincts are inborn stuff.

I then went about putting on the pip-buck

But...

I then went about putting on the 3000b on my left hoof

Could you do that? Could you put PipBuck on twice?

God,

That's sexist!

I was surprised when it started to play a morse-code alert from a military frequency.

Yes, especially since it isn't supposed to play radio from the get go without switching to it.

Unknown Station, Unknown Station, This is, GPE, This is, GPE, Respond

I looked at the translation and wondered what GPE stood for, and I looked back at the warning from Rainbow Dash. GPE? Grand Pegasus Enclave? Oh shit. I immediately started to go to the radio tab and engaged in communication with them. I used my Push-To-Talk (PTT) button to reply in morse code.

"You're not supposed to talk to them!"
"But I will!"
*somewhere in the background dead Dash facehoofed in her grave.*

Also, Enclave usually don't care about some sort of radio stations, especially not the ones on the surface, and they wouldn't try to talk to them, since, most likely, it would not be able to answer. Also, his PipBuck didn't even send anything on the air.

The assault rifle is good, along with the machine gun slung on the other side. I have something like four thousand rounds for both.

Math, my favorite!

4000 round for both. Let us say it's 5,56*45mil. One cartridge is 12.3 grams according to internet. Multiply it by 4000... 49,2 kilograms of ammo! What the actual buck? With adding saddle, adding armor, his equipment load is gonna be something like 100Kg total. Really?

“Apollo Mike Oscar Alpha, this is Golf Papa Echo Station Delta what is your business on this frequency and that designation hasn’t been used in over two hundred years, Over”

...you know... I'm not gonna ask anything more about the whole radio situation.

eight thousand five hundred rounds of ammo total for my bullet launchers,

Scratch that, it's almost 100Kg worth of JUST BULLETS. I can't imagine neither volume or weight, but no one in their sane mind gonna carry it around anywhere. Unless we're talking PC games, it's kinda given in here.

I then put my hoof down and tore open the letter with my combat knife.

Which letter was that again? There was one by RD but nothing more as far as I've noticed.

Apollo, you’re mission is to do your best to help assist the surviving ponies of Equestria recover and set up a new government.

Alone, sure. Without a partner whom he could trust. Cool.

If you are reading these orders that means the worst has happened.

And how did they knew in advance that it's gonna happen? Pinkie Sense? She was late for Ironshod or whatever. Four Star maybe?

I wonder if the Enclave equips its soldiers with that power armor...I mused to myself as I noticed three more Pegasi fly by in a tight formation. I kept hidden and peaked out and saw they fly right towards the Safehouse. Guess they did track my signal

Triangulation usually. And it takes more than five minutes wort of signal.

“Are you Apollo? I know this is weird, but head west that Enclave patrol is coming this way. Towards the west is an abandoned gas station. I’ll meet you there,” the thing said before it made a crackling noise, and started to play a song heavy in tuba. As it left I started to get back on my hooves and went west.

I'm not sure if it's Spike or not, but... too many coincidences.

Character Trait-

Hoo boy, here we go, my favorite.
Traits are special in regards that they give both bonuses and penalties at the same time, like Trained in New Vegas. It gave you a substantial boost to Skills but lowered your XP income.

Old World Blues: You’re a pony from the past and found yourself in a destroyed and more dangerous version of the world you left behind. +2 to Intelligence

This isn't a Trait, it's a straight up two Intensive Training perks crammed together with no consequences.

Special Operative: Your training allows you to be more effective with small arms. You also have a creative mind when it comes to problems, and are able to think quickly on your hooves. +2 to Small Arms, +1 to Strength, +2 to Melee Weapons

This... well... I want to know more about the system you're using now. And it's THREE Intensive Trainings now.

I also wish to thank my Uncle and my friend Quadranero for helping me out with this and being editors for me.

Seems they got easy on you. Real easy.

Overall... meh? I mean, character didn't irritate me much except for getting a ton of gear from the get go and somehow being able to carry it around, which is nigh impossible, but sure, whatever. I'd say the pacing is rushed, real rushed, sudden Enclave party, sudden radio, sudden voice from the spritebot... sure... sure it doesn't work in my eyes, but, as I normally tall in such cases, you're the author, it's your story. I know my players get along with brahmin for heavy loads, but eh.
Would I recommend it? Not really. Not the best, not the worst either.
Would I care about the character? No, it's just an avatar for the moment, with no character traits shown.
Am I interested in such a prologue? No! Because, while it is fresher than whole Stable Dweller shebang it's a professional... but I've seen worse concepts once again.
And, finally, would I downvote this? No. It's not that bad.

Strangely enough, I kinda enjoyed that a little bit despite shortcomings... and seeing an adequate author is nice too.

Aftermath/feedback: None, nada, nothing. *shrugs* Maybe I've been a bit too harsh, maybe not, but the author neither wrote another chapter no answered to my critique comment. This happens, I guess...

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Comments ( 3 )

Chayn, professional critic, strikes again. I enjoy seeing these so keep doing it!

Woohoo, content from Chayn! :yay:

4942325
Pfft. We shall see.


4942764
Oh, yes, at least SOME sort of content, aye?

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