Turnabout Storm Parts 44-45 revamped with changes... · 6:11pm Aug 6th, 2018
Including a new graphic.
Part 44 - Turnabout Lost shows Gilda's confession and Trixie's subsequent counterattack that leads to the initial guilty verdict. Changes there were mostly minor, cleaning up and smoothing out some transitions as well as making it a bit more consistent with earlier chapters. One other thing i've noticed about my earlier writing is that I had a tendency towards 'telling' through narration instead of 'showing' through words, descriptions and reactions. so I'm trying to clean that up as I go.
Part 45 - A Shy Intervention has undergone more significant changes and, as a bonus, has a new graphic as well. One thing that never sat well with me about this chapter was how Fluttershy knew that Sonata was a unicorn in the dark. I can buy the idea of moonlight glinting off her glasses, but not that the reflected light would be enough to see her horn as the videos claimed, especially if it's basically buried in her mane. So, after batting some ideas off my prereaders, I rewrote the section as follows:
—————— CROSS-EXAMINATION ——————
As everypony knows, I was watching the forest after the lightning strike. I had just finished feeding my chickens when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a pony walking towards Ponyville along the road past my cottage, coming over the hill a little ways from my house. But the reason I think this is important now… is that I saw her carrying that stick Mister Phoenix has! I don’t remember what the pony looked like, because it was too dark and I only saw her as she was cresting the hill...
Phoenix shouted, wasting no time in petty talk or tangents of his own. “I’m gonna cut right to the chase, Fluttershy. Are you sure you can’t give us an accurate description of this pony?” he asked.
She shook her head, going downcast. “I only saw her for a second or two at the top of the hill. The only thing I can remember was she was probably a mare because of her size,” Fluttershy answered.
A mare? That’s not enough… Phoenix knew. “What about her color or cutie mark? Were you able to see those?”
Fluttershy looked up at the ceiling as she answered. “Um… she had a dark-colored coat. I couldn’t make out the exact colors since it was nighttime…”
“And her cutie mark?”
She shook her head, going downcast again. “I’m sorry, Mister Phoenix, but I couldn’t see it. It was too dark.” Fluttershy answered apologetically, fearing she was about to get into trouble again for not seeing something she should have.
“Your Honor, this is a waste of time! A gender and dark colors are not sufficient enough information to pull somepony in here! It could be anypony!” Trixie flared, still trying to get The Judge to call off the testimony.
Glancing up at the bench, Phoenix noted that The Judge looked like his patience had already worn thin. NO! The Judge looks like he’s going to end the trial; I’ve got to think of something QUICK! “Fluttershy, please! You have to try hard and remember what she looked like!” he beseeched her.
Fluttershy was visibly racking her brain to no avail, on the verge of tears as she struggled to recall a fleeting moment of memory. “I’m trying, Mister Phoenix! I’m TRYING!”
Phoenix backed off, knowing that if he kept pushing her so hard, she might well crack under the strain he was putting her under. Okay. Time for a different approach. Maybe there’s another way to jog her memory? he pondered the question briefly, quickly coming up with a new strategy. “Let’s try this: How was she holding the stick?”
“Holding… the stick?” Fluttershy repeated, her brow furrowing. “Um… she was holding it in her mouth. Which I thought was strange…” she added, looking back up towards the ceiling.
“How is that strange? A lot of ponies carry things in their mouths,” Trixie asked before Phoenix could.
Fluttershy shook her head before answering. “Because she was a unicorn and they use their horns to carry things.”
Both Phoenix and Twilight were surprised by that, the former leaning forward over the rail. “The pony you saw was a unicorn?” he prompted her to clarify.
“And just how, pray tell, were you able to see that in the dark?” Trixie challenged.
Fluttershy cringed, but answered. “Because the moon was coming up right behind her and I saw her against it.”
“So you mean she was silhouetted against the moon?” Phoenix asked.
“Silo… wh-what?” Fluttershy didn’t know the word.
“He means, you saw her like a shadow against the moon?” Twilight clarified gently.
“Oh. Well, yes. The moon always comes up right over the hill where the path is and—oh!” she cut herself off in mid-sentence, catching the attention of both Phoenix and Trixie. But before either could speak up, Fluttershy turned to The Judge and asked: “Mister Your Honor? I just remembered something else! Can I add it to my testimony? I-If th-that’s okay…” she hastily added, cowering slightly again.
This caught The Judge by surprise—a witness who wanted to amend their testimony? “Uh… sure…”
I just remembered…I could also see moonlight glinting off her glasses just before she passed out of sight.
Phoenix shouted once more. “She had glasses?” he asked, a familiar figure of a pony starting to materialize in his head.
Fluttershy nodded jerkily. “Y-yes. She did.”
Phoenix fell silent as everything suddenly fell into place. “Female, dark colors, unicorn and glasses…” he repeated to himself just loudly enough that Twilight could hear him, then his head shot up to search the gallery, looking for a certain pony but not immediately seeing her in the seat she’d been before. “That could only mean one pony…” he knew, the identity of a new suspect crystallizing in his head. He scanned the spectator stands and spotted her in an aisle making her way quietly towards the exit. As if sensing his gaze, she turned towards him and his eyes locked briefly with hers from all the way across the courtroom.
And in that moment their gazes met… he knew.
The picture of Sonata in silhouette was pieced together in Photoshop from existing images. Credit for the picture of Sonata holding the golf club goes to: https://www.deviantart.com/hankofficer/art/Sonata-413152264
Thanks as always goes to AJ_Aficionado, Silentwoodfire, and Denim_Blue. Still waiting on the latter's preread, so addtional changes may be made later. Regardless, you're invited as always to check out the changes and revamped chapters.
Very nice. I'm enjoying the improved logic in this court case.