Author's Commentary: Critical Mass Chapter 7 · 12:05am Jun 1st, 2018
Critical Mass Chapter 7. I'm finally here, just two more chapters to go and I'll have finished my Author's Commentary series! It's taken me months to get here, but finally, I get to comment on Chapter 7! I'm excited! And to top it off, Radiant is almost completed too!
Ah, just from what I remember without looking back at anything, I think this was a somewhat "action-packed" chapter that had a lot happen in it. It was a pivotal/very important chapter in this series...
So I won't keep you waiting anymore, especially since tomorrow I'll be doing my regular monthly update.
Warning, this Author's Commentary ("Commentary") will contain spoilers for Critical Mass Chapter 7. If you have not read Chapter 7 in Critical Mass, I advise you to turn away now and come back later. This Commentary may also contain information which has been said before in prior Commentaries, Author's Notes at the end of chapters, or in comments I have made. Be warned, it could also contain spoilers for future stories in this series.
You have been warned.
I think I remember being really excited to write this chapter, but I could be misremembering it. I know that I was waiting for a long time to write it, or at least it felt that way. If my memory is correct, this is the chapter where Chrysalis took Twilight's wing. And so I say I was waiting a while to write it since I had to work my way to this point.
Twilight scrapped her tongue along the bottom of the shallow pool of water. She stared straight ahead, never once looking down. The shallow pool of water had always refilled after a time, and she welcomed it, although the grit that she picked up always lingered. She tried her best to ignore the grit, but it was always there, always tainting the otherwise fresh water, always unpleasant in her mouth.
Gritty water is very unpleasant, especially if the grit is sand. This also may not feel out of place in a story that was based around torturing one of the characters, or a gritty war fic or something.
Twilight's a mess. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but if Twilight hadn't been through so much, would the final chapter, specifically the scene with Rainbow giving Twilight a bath, have been quite as powerful? I don't think so. Context is very powerful and important.
She closed her eyes and lifted her head up from the depleted pool of water. She scrapped her tongue around her mouth and then lifted a forehoof and wiped her tongue off as best she could, removing as much grit as she could. She never succeeded at getting all of the grit out of her mouth, and she could tell whenever she closed her mouth because of feeling the grit in between her teeth.
Hopefully, this wasn't too disturbing. The teeth and grit part. I say this because I have a lot of weird dreams, and the vast majority of them which could be considered "bad" dreams (not really nightmares since it doesn't scare me), involve my teeth. For instance, the other night I dreamed one of my teeth was lose, and then I pulled it out, and the root was like 5 inches long. So I decided to put it back in... I have weird dreams. I should make a blog post sometime about my pony dreams. The last pony dream I had wasn't quite as pleasant as normal. I was giving Celestia a massage and I did something wrong so she tried to kill me with a knife.
Rainbow absently looked out across the Everfree forest from the balcony where she stood. The dangerous forest looked so still, almost peaceful. Years ago, the forest had seemed much more dangerous, and it had been more dangerous, but they had made progress toward making it significantly less dangerous. It still served as a home to many dangerous creatures which lurked in the night, possibly with the intent to prey upon anypony foolish enough to wander into the woods, although from personal experience, she wasn't that concerned about it if she had to go through the woods. Even Fluttershy could walk through the thinner parts of the forest without too many problems.
Hey remember when the Everfree Forest was terrifying? Yeah, I don't either. A bunch of foals made it to the Castle of the Two Sisters, for friendships' sake! I'm pretty sure the Everfree Forest isn't really a danger anymore.
I kind of feel like this scene with Rainbow is repetitive. To be honest, I may have added it in just to increase the word count. I don't remember. Although I suppose this was also meant to hammer in the point of how much Twilight means to Rainbow.
Rainbow sighed and turned away from him, her body slumping forward even more. "And I told her no. Mostly because of the Wonderbolts," she stated, then snorted at herself. "And I've felt terrible about that ever since... I've tried to make it up to her, and... well... I want to be there for her. It's the reason that I'm helping her. Well, not so much to make it up to her as just to be there for her. I hate seeing her so sad..." she trailed off.
I'm not sure that this properly conveys what I want it to. So a major problem that may not have seemed like a major problem back in Reaction was Rainbow being a Wonderbolt. It's time consuming and she's away a lot, and it's why she said no to Twilight (one of the reasons). So it was a major point of conflict, but it wasn't something that was really brought up too muhc (from what I remember). And so next chapter, I think, we should see her quit the Wonderbolts to be with Twilight. What is interesting is that Twilight's still split on it since she wants Rainbow to do that so she can have her dream. She just doesn't realize that it's changed/changing, and she can't really come to terms with that, so she can't really accept it.
After a few seconds, he released Rainbow, and she slowly pulled away, shuffling her wings uncomfortably. Shining smiled warmly at her. "So, you're dating my little sister?"
Once again, I'm not too big on artificial drama. Why add in nonsensical drama about Shining not liking who his sister is dating when they can instead be reasonable and civilized ponies?
Rainbow chuckled nervously and smiled uneasily. "I'll do my best... I really do want her to be happy," she replied.
Although I don't mind adding that in.
Shining let his stoic expression fade and he smiled. "Hey, I'm sure you'll do fine," Shining replied comfortingly. "I'd rather it be you, one of her closest friends, and the bearer of the Element ofLoyalty, then somepony else who I don't know too well."
And I guess reason prevails!
And back to Twilight's PoV. If I remember correctly, this chapter was a lot of back and forth between Twilight's and Rainbow's PoV.
Chrysalis came to a stop and snorted. "The once great protector of Equestria... look at her now... battered and broken," she hissed.
Yeah, you rub it in now. Just wait for Luna to get her hooves on you.
I'm very glad Twilight's feeling better in Radiant...
And this next scene? Not really much of a scene. Granted, I've read shorter scenes. I remember struggling with how to transition it, so I ended up just doing this short Luna scene as a transition.
I'm really looking forward to publishing Radiant after reading this scene about Twilight. And I'm also looking forward to Radiant's sequel.
She pulled back from Twilight, though held her tight still. "I need to go, Twilight. I have to get ready, because we are coming for you.Do not forget that. We will not abandon you."
I don't actually have anything to say here other than I could have worded some of that better.
Ah, Luna and Celestia actually taking charge of a situation for once... it's kind of refreshing. Which is strange for some reason.
She came to an immediate and complete stop as a familiar pony stepped in front of the cell door. Her breath caught in her throat, and she smiled uncontrollably as joy welled up inside her. "Rainbow..." she whispered, tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
Where to start with this... I'm not completely sure. For starters, I want to know how many of you knew that this was Chrysalis? I mean it's fairly obvious. Secondly, Twilight, why? It's fairly obvious that this was Chrysalis. What was I thinking making her think it wasn't? I don't remember. Augh! Although maybe it's believable that it isn't Chrysalis. I struggle with that, though. Also, I don't remember why Chrysalis took Rainbow's form. The implication is that Chrysalis figured out that Twilight loved Rainbow, but I don't remember how she figured it out unless it related to her dream...
Maybe I need to read further.
Chrysalis held the base of her wing in her mouth, biting it tightly. Blood leaked from the points where the Queen's teeth pierced her skin. Twilight shook at the sight, though the pain didn't register. Chrysalis clenched her jaw, tightening her hold on Twilight.
And then finally, we get to the scene that I thought about more than was probably healthy.
Chrysalis bit down harder, then twisted, and jerked her head away from Twilight.
Twilight screamed.
Alright. So I think this is probably the most controversial part of this story. I could be wrong. I have to admit that I enjoyed writing this scene. Originally, I was going to have a sentence about changeling drones hearing Twilight's scream and their ears pinning back, showing that they weren't all monsters.
And this is also pretty much the scene where I went into this story wanting to write this scene. So Chrysalis ripped Twilight's wing off. She'll recover from it. However, I didn't write this for the sake of being sadistic or "edgy." I wrote this because, while it hurts Twilight and breaks her further, it allows for something that is, in my opinion, beautiful to happen. And that is Chapter 8. Twilight is at her absolute weakest, her absolute most vulnerable point... and Rainbow is there to help pick her up. Maybe it's just me, but I think that this idea is absolutely beautiful. Twilight is at her lowest point and then Rainbow is there to lift her up and take care of her. It's a beautiful display of mercy and love. And that is probably my favorite part about this story, and it's probably the best part of this story. However, I'm not sure that I really managed to show that, which is a bit disappointing.
Also, I'm pretty sure this was the scene would have been the perfect example of a cliffhanger. I really wanted to make this into a cliffhanger, too.
Rainbow warily looked up at the approaching storm. Already some dark gray clouds were starting to move into position to block the moon. She grimaced and slowly tore her gaze away from the sky, looking at Luna. "Why didn't you just have the storm put off?"
Ah, this made me laugh. So one of the major scenes I pictured when thinking about/writing this story was the scene where Rainbow is carrying Twilight through the forest while it's night and raining. Oh, man, that was a really important scene, or at the very least it was a scene I really thought a lot about. And so basically my idea as to how to make this work was "Alright, it needs to be night and raining. I know that's cliche, but I don't care. So, how do I make this work? They wouldn't really want to do something like this in the rain and they can control the weather... Oh, hey, just throw a line in there about not wanting to alert Chrysalis. Perfect!"
I remember thinking a lot about that scene... I miss thinking about it so much.
The wind picked up, sending a cool breeze through the forest and rustling the tree leaves and branches.
I feel like this is the literal calm before the storm. It's somewhat fitting, isn't it? At the very least, I thought so.
Months ago, she wouldn't have kept herself in check. Her heart still ached over waiting, but she knew that she had to wait. If she didn't, then it was possible that their whole rescue mission could fail, meaning that it could be even longer before Twilight was back, and that wasn't acceptable. It still didn't make waiting easy, and every passing second left her more agitated than the last.
This is more or less calling out the fact that Rainbow is quite different now from what she is in the show. The way Rainbow is in this series may contribute to why I feel like all of the characters are copy pasted.
Rainbow shifted her weight uncomfortably, feeling self-conscious from Luna's remark. She found herself feeling uncomfortable as she stood beside the alicorn. She didn't belong in the group going to rescue Twilight. She wasn't wearing armor, she was wearing a flight suit. They were going into a cave that was likely a tight space where armor would serve her better. Everypony else was wearing armor, with the exception of Princess Luna, who only wore her normal regalia and crown.'No, I belong here... I am not going to let somepony else rescue Twilight... I have to be there for her when we find her...'She stamped out the dissenting discomfort caused by feeling self-conscious and fought off the nervousness. She needed to be calm and focused, and she needed to be there for Twilight.
So, why a flight suit instead of armor? Well, for one, she's a Wonderbolt. For two, it's easier to fly in a flight suit than armor (or at the very least that would make sense), and her intended purpose for being there is to get Twilight out ASAP. She's not supposed to get bogged down in fighting. Plus, a flight suit will be more comfortable for both Twilight and herself.
The group quietly crept forward. Despite Luna's size, she remained stealthy and silent as she crossed the rocky ground. Her darker coat made her harder to spot against the dimly lit gray rock.
Shouldn't be much of a surprise here. Additionally, I feel like this suggests that Luna cannot use invisibility spells. Speaking of that, is it canon that Twilight can use invisibility spells? I can't remember. I know Starlight can...
Eventually, the wall started to curve inward, leading them to bend their path to stay close to the wall and walk around to the other side. They were close to their goal, another tunnel. The tunnel appeared to be about the size of a hallway. Luna came to a stop at the entrance and ducked inside, horn first. She lit her horn and swept her head around, making sure that there was nothing lying in wait for them.
Only now do I stop and ask myself "How does Luna know where to go?" Well, she's using her magic to figure it out...
Shining Armor moved with purpose beside her, his gaze steel and his walk determined. Any changelings that came between him and his sister would regret it. Rainbow followed up behind them both, letting them take the lead. Once more, a part of her felt out of place. Luna was leading them, she was an alicorn, and her magic was powerful enough to move the moon. Shining Armor was a unicorn and Twilight's brother, he could protect a city the size of Canterlot with a barrier that could hold out an army. And then there was her, a pegasus. The changelings had magic and could fly, all she had was speed and maneuverability. Because of the correct assumption that they would be in tight spaces, she didn't carry any weapons, save for her own hooves.
I'm still not entirely sure how to translate Celestia and Luna's "move Sun and Move" power into "not move Sun and Moon" magic. Cause if you go with realism, then Celestia may be moving something absolutely huge. Luna... not so much. Although there's also the concept that Celestia and Luna are moving the planet, but that theory falls apart pretty much instantly. Personally? I prefer the headcanon that their special talents are levitation, or perhaps levitation of said sun and moon, so that they really don't expend much magic on it, to the point that they really just suck with other non-levitation magic in general. It helps explain why my crush never manages to defeat the villain and has to rely on my other crush.
The lock glowed for a moment before a sizzling filled the air. She opened the cell door, which didn't make a single sound. A soft, broken whimper filled the air. Before Luna could investigate, Rainbow shot around into the cell, looking around frantically. "Twilight!?" she called out. She swept her gaze from right to left, systematically searching for her friend.
The timid alicorn stood still, trembling and wide eyed, her right side hidden behind her left side. "S-stay b-b-ack..." she croaked.
Not for the first time in this commentary, I'm sort of crying again.
Where her wing was supposed to be, there was a large gash in her side, and below it, her coat was reddened. Rainbow swallowed as she struggled to process what she saw. Her stomach churned in disgust. Seconds passed as she started to process the information. She clenched her jaw tight and then looked away at the wall again.'Chrysalis...'she seethed. The only thing that prevented her from leaving right then and hunting down the former queen was the broken alicorn she held. She would not and could not leave her for that. She took a deep breath, then turned around to look at Luna. Standing beside her was Shining Armor, and both of them were silent.
I wonder if this warranted an additional tag. I tried to write this as tamely as possible. Not just to avoid a tag change, but also to avoid a rating change, and most importantly, because this isn't the main focus- it's Twidash, not violence and such. And as such, I didn't want to write it so thoroughly as to sicken my audience and make them all leave. Which, probably happened anyway, which is why the future of this series, aside from Radiant, is up in the air. And that's really disappointing. I suppose I can learn from my mistakes, but some mistakes can be crippling.
Luna nodded in acknowledgment. "Her side will heal, she is not still bleeding, although she is at risk," she answered quickly. "Infection is a danger, and although the bleeding has stopped, if she is jostled too much, it could start again... I do not have anything to aid her with, however, I will use my magic to help," she said. She quickly walked around to Twilight's injured side. A grimace pulled at her lips as she stared at it. She forced herself to focus, and she pointed her horn at Twilight's side, then scanned her wound before channeling her magic into a healing spell. "Your natural accelerated healing already kicked in... I am amplifying it, as your body isn't in the best shape to recover from this due to recent events..." she trailed off, then stepped back and looked at Rainbow. "Get her to Ponyville," she stated more forcefully than before. She quickly turned around and strode out of the cell, then surveyed the room, making sure there were no unexpected arrivals.
I like to think the only reason infection is a risk is because of the state Twilight's in- malnourished and everything related to that. Otherwise, I prefer to think of alicorns as very rarely getting sick, and then it's only with rare diseases which don't really effect ponies.
"I-I ca-can't walk li-like th-this..." Twilight sobbed. She swallowed and hesitantly lifted her head up to meet Rainbow's gaze. Tears streamed down her face as she looked Rainbow in the eye. She averted her gaze, feeling ashamed and condemned. Rainbow looked down at her lovingly, but she couldn't help but feel useless, unimportant, and unnecessary. "W-withou-out my w-wing... I-I can't... b-bal-balance..."
I can't remember now... I'm not sure what brought on the "I can't balance without my wing" part. I think I've read a few stories with this in it, but I don't think I can name them. I'm not sure if it was spurred on by that. However, I do know that I wanted Twilight to be in a very vulnerable, dependent state so that Rainbow could be there to take care of her. Once again, I refer to the "beauty" in this.
Shining Armor broke away. "Move," he said calmly. Rainbow nodded, then turned away and took off at a gallop back up the tunnel. Shining Armor quickly caught up with her. Because of Twilight's added weight and the fact that she had to use her hooves, Rainbow was slowed down significantly. Twilight held on like her life depended on it, which it did. As they made their way up, in the distance behind them, they could all hear the clash of magic. Twilight shivered in fear and continued to cry softly.
I have to say that this is probably one of my favorite chapters that I've ever written. From what I remember, and my memory sucks, Chapter 8 and then Radiant Chapter 3 are also two more chapters I've really enjoyed. Aside from that, I don't remember.
Luna flared her wings, then twisted around to face Chrysalis. She beat her wings downward and jumped back, propelling herself away from a pulse of sickly green magic. As she flew back through the air, she retaliated, firing a beam toward Chrysalis, who dived and then rose back up to the left of the beam. As Luna landed, she crouched down, coiling her legs, then jumped back up again, propelling herself forward with her wings. She focused entirely on Chrysalis. There were no distractions, just her, and Chrysalis. She soared through the air calmly, channeling her magic into a beam which surged forth from her horn. Where the beam collided with the rock, the rock was pulverized. Pebbles and dust filled the air, pelting both of them.
Luna landed and calmly, cautiously turned around in circles, scanning the area with her eyes while listening intently and trying to detect the changeling with her magic. The dust made her want to cough and gag, but she fought the urge and held herself in check, refusing to let any weakness show.
There was some particular, perhaps important, reason behind why the dust and pebbles pelting them, but I don't remember what.
I'm not giving a lot of commentary on Luna and Chrysalis' fight. I'm enjoying reading it.
Before Luna could fire her spell, Chrysalis teleported behind her. The changeling spat out another glob of the sticky green fluid, which hit its mark. Luna went to jump around to face Chrysalis, only to find that the green fluid coating her hind right leg had hardened, cementing her hoof in place. She lost her footing from surprise and stumbled, failing to jump around to face Chrysalis. Chrysalis slipped around and repeated the process with the rest of Luna's hooves, locking her firmly in place. Without giving Luna a chance to counter, she finished the attack by launching a glob of the fluid at Luna's still lit horn. As soon as the fluid hit Luna's horn, it wrapped around it and hardened, sealing Luna's magic. The alicorn's expression blanked in confusion as she was caught off guard.
I sort of really enjoyed this part too. I can't remember if I had planned for this or not, but I imagine that I did plan for it given I planned for Twilight and Rainbow to get ambushed by Chrysalis.
"If we're quick enough, we should be able to get across and make our way out before they can rally to attack us. Since they're tending to eggs, we have an advantage," he answered. "Maybe I should take the lead. We know Luna's fighting Chrysalis, and we know that there are changelings up ahead."
I also sort of wanted to write this part in the whole "Epic adventure" style. I probably failed at that.
"I hope you don't mind flying through a storm..." she said grimly, very aware of Twilight's missing wing.
Twilight was silent for a moment, and Rainbow thought she could feel Twilight's heart beat faster. "I trust you..." she said softly, although she did grip Rainbow's neck a little more firmly.
Again, maybe it's just me, but I think this is beautiful. Just the whole, Rainbow being there for her part. Rainbow's making sacrifices for Twilight. It's not like some cheap love where it's played for laughs, or there's nothing deeper to it. They've made choices, and now Rainbow is making sacrifices for Twilight. She's choosing to give up some things to help and protect Twilight.
Rainbow grimaced, then took off at a short trot for a couple of seconds. She flapped her wings, then took off into the air. She quickly folded her legs under her body to reduce drag and she flapped her wings hard against the storm, propelling them both up into the sky above the treeline. Rain pelted her face as she flew in the opposite direction of the storm, forcing her to squint to see. "I can get above the storm but I'd have to fly through it to get above the storm!" she shouted.
Huh, I just realized that this scene reminds me a lot of another scene in another story I wrote. The other story is "Civil War of Harmony" and in the scene, Rainbow's carrying Twilight, who is unconscious and near death, back to safety... flying through a storm.
Twilight shivered. "N-no... just... f-fly low..." she said into Rainbow's ear.
Rainbow frowned and looked back at Twilight. "I won't drop you!"
"I-I k-know," Twilight replied, her teeth chattering. "I trust y-you. I-I just d-don't want t-to ri-risk s-something..."
Alright, so it may not be obvious here, and you may be thinking that Twilight doesn't trust Rainbow, but she's not worried about Rainbow dropping her, she's worried about the lightning or it being colder up above the clouds.
Of course, her heart still ached. Chrysalis took one of Twilight's wings, and she couldn't do anything about that. Glancing back at Twilight, she wondered if Twilight was still in shock from it, or if adrenaline was the only thing preventing her from breaking down. Once it was over and they were safe, she knew it would hit Twilight hard. Her heart sank at that knowledge.'I'll be there for you, Twilight... don't worry...'She swallowed back a knot in her throat and focused on flying. The forest below her seemed to stretch on forever.
More or less foreshadowing. It's probably obvious, but Twilight's just barely functioning right now; it's adrenaline.
Twilight stared down at Rainbow's mane. She grimaced. "We can lose her in the trees," she said quietly.
I think it's obvious, but I could be wrong. At this point, you may/should realize that Twilight's basically going to try to sacrifice herself to save Rainbow.
Rainbow lost her balance and fell to the ground. She grunted and shot back up to her hooves and jumped around to face her. "We beat you before and I can totally take you down on my own!"
Maybe Rainbow actually does have a personality in this...
Chrysalis stepped back and laughed mockingly. "You're so pathetic... the way you pine after her like a lovesick puppy... it'sso delicious..." she trailed off, lifting her head upward and letting out a moan of pleasure, closing her eyes.
I know it's coming from Chrysalis, but she's not completely wrong. In a way, Twilight is pining after Rainbow like a lovesick puppy... This might be foreshadowing something... Assuming I didn't decide to redact that part. I may have, I can't remember.
Twilight frantically looked over Rainbow, leaning in close to her. She nudged Rainbow's limp body. Rainbow tensed up and groaned a little. Twilight smiled a little, but then glanced back at Chrysalis. After a moment, she swallowed and then turned around to face her. She spread her legs out to brace herself and she crouched down to the ground, putting herself in between Chrysalis and Rainbow. She spread her left wing out protectively and stared at Chrysalis. Her weak legs trembled, but she held her ground, not giving an inch, even as Chrysalis stepped toward her.
There are a few scenes from this series I would absolute adore having art done of them. This is one such scene. Unfortunately, I'm in college, don't have money, and don't really have a means of paying anyone to do this. Also, you may have already realized this, but Twilight literally cannot do anything to stop Chrysalis except this, and even this is just buying time. She's putting herself between Chrysalis and Rainbow in an effort to protect Rainbow, even at the risk of her own life.
"And just think, you would live if you had accepted her pupil's offer," Luna said calmly.
And Luna arrives just in time to save the day... Convenient!
Chrysalis hissed and her head shot around to her right. Luna marched toward her horn first, horn glowing brightly. A lance of magic shot out toward Chrysalis. She hissed and jumped out of the way. The beam of magic continued onward until something stopped it. The tree which served to stop the beam of magic exploded into a spray of splinters.
If you've seen the Season 4 premier, then you know that there's something strange with magic. During Nightmare Moon and Celestia's battle, when Nightmare Moon's magic hit stone, the stone exploded. When her magic hit Celestia, it pretty much just stunned her. So based on that, I have a headcanon that most, or at least some, spells react differently depending on whether or not they hit something alive or inatimate. Perhaps living beings have a natural resistance to it, or perhaps its the resistance of inatimate objects that makes magic react violently with them.
Twilight stood her ground, not able to move, barely able to think. She watched as Luna engaged Chrysalis, their forms silhouetted by their magic. Spell after spell was exchanged between the two. Spells shot through the air. Trees exploded and fell. She watched, her body shaking as her gaze shifted between Luna and Chrysalis. Eventually, a soft groan from behind her broke her focus. She swiveled around and hastily glanced over Rainbow's form.
Rainbow slowly lifted her head up and then pushed her chest up with her forehooves. She groaned and closed her eyes, then lifted a forehoof up to her head. She winced a little, then shook her head, rustling her soaked mane. She squinted at Twilight. Twilight stood there, watching her, completely silent. Her one wing was still flared out. She looked vulnerable and distant, like she wasn't there like she wasn't thinking, as if she was simply acting on instinct like an injured animal that had been cornered. A sharp crack of magic drew both of their attention to the battle raging on nearby. Rainbow hastily sat up and turned back to Twilight's trembling form. "Twilight, we need to go," she said softly.
Twilight looked back over at her, and her eyes darted over Rainbow. After a moment, she blinked several times, then nodded.
Rainbow tentatively flapped her wings, then stood up. She felt a little woozy and everything hurt, but she was okay. "Twilight, hop on," she said in a gentle voice.
Twilight looked at her absently, unmoving, simply standing there, acting like Rainbow spoke a language she couldn't understand or even begin to comprehend.
Rainbow groaned a little, then walked over to Twilight. She sat down on her haunches in front of Twilight, then coaxed the mare onto her back with her wings. Twilight didn't resist, but she didn't make it easy either. She acted like she had no idea what was happening, but eventually, Rainbow coaxed her into place. After Twilight was on her, she wrapped her forelegs around her and held onto her without saying anything. Rainbow smiled, once more feeling Twilight with her. She quickly stood up and inhaled, then looked around, making sure Chrysalis wasn't coming after her again. Nearby, flashes of magic and cracks of spells broke the air, occasionally silhouetting Luna and Chrysalis. She shivered, then shot up into the air, propelling herself forward with her wings and magic. She quickly ascended above the canopy of trees thanks to several trees having been destroyed, leaving perfect areas for her to escape.
I know, I know, this is an exceptionally long quote. I apologize. However, I felt it important to get the whole thing. You see, at this point, Twilight is operating more or less solely on instinct. The text sort of conveys it but not entirely. It's sort of a deer-in-the-headlights moment for Twilight. Right now I'm struggling to convey it. There's something very important that I need to say here, but I'm struggling with how to word it. Twilight's mind has sort of shut down, she's operating on instinct, and her instinct is to protect Rainbow. Furthermore, she stunned into not really being able to do anything. She's exhausted, injured, malnourished, and all of that stuff, and she's in shock. I still can't properly convey it, and I'm very disappointed in that.
Eventually, Twilight broke her silence, "Rainbow... I'm tired..."
Rainbow looked back up at Twilight. Her eyes were drooping, her breathing had finally calmed down, and her heartbeat had slowed. She gave Twilight a gentle smile. "It's okay, you're safe... go ahead and take a nap... we'll be home before you know it..." she said softly.
Twilight stared at Rainbow's smile, and her lips pulled upward. After a second, she laid her head down on Rainbow's head, then absently nestled into her wet mane and closed her eyes.
"Sweet dreams, Twi... I love you..." Rainbow whispered. Twilight muttered something in response, but Rainbow couldn't make it out. She wore a strained half smile. On one hoof, Twilight was back and she was safe. Chrysalis was being brought to justice by Luna. And soon, they'd be back home. On the other hoof, Chrysalis hurt Twilight. As she flew back to Ponyville, her mind raced with thoughts and worries about the alicorn sleeping peacefully on her back. Eventually, her half smile faded into a strained, blank line across her lips.
Rest easy, Twi... the worst of it's over. I promise you that it's going to be alright. Celestia, Luna, Rainbow... they'll all be there for you Twilight... don't forget that. They all love you... never forget that.
And that was Chapter 7 of Critical Mass.
I have been looking forward to this commentary for months now. I can hardly believe that I've finished it now. Just one more chapter to go...
I'll go ahead and admit that I'm worried that this chapter will blow up in my face and that you will all hate me for this and hit the dislike button and stop following this series and such for this chapter.
Still feel that way. And maybe I should or shouldn't. It's probably a bad thing that I'm concerned about this since it shows or suggests that I don't write to enjoy it, but for whatever else. I do write because I enjoy it, but I really want you all to enjoy it too. Sharing stories is wonderful, or at least I think so. And it's disappointing when things don't go as I'd hoped when it comes to stories. Maybe that makes me arrogant or maybe it makes me look bad...
There are a few things in this series that, put in context of having read the full series, it hits even harder. If you ever reread this story/series, after having read the whole thing... I think you'll see a bigger picture which I tried to paint.
I still stand by this.
I believe this is the longest chapter I have ever written.
I am surprised to find that not only is this still probably, maybe true, but also that this chapter most certainly did not feel 20k words long. Dang.
Well... really. If you want to talk, comment. If you want clarification on any lingering questions, ask. I'll do my best to answer them.
And lastly, as a reward to all of you who are still reading this part, or maybe to those of you who may have just cheated and did a "TLDR!" and skipped to here... Radiant will be 4 chapters long and I should start on Chapter 4 tomorrow. It should not take long to write Chapter 4. Radiant will also probably end up being between 40-50k words long. So my estimation wasn't too far off.
That sounds... fun.
you didn’t ever happen to have a sadistic girlfriend or something
Almost certainly
I just got so into the commentary I forgot to write comments. Now I have to go back and read it again... dammit.
Maybe the invisibility spell only works when you’re stationary? Also, that spell from fame and misfortune, when starlight copied the friendship journal. I hate that spell so much. Oh, sure, just make matter from literally nothing. Yeah, just break the laws of physics why don’t you. Or maybe you didn’t, maybe you just had the energy of a couple H bombs stored up in you, which you then turned into matter. Because that’s so much better.
Well, maybe animals (and possibly plants) in Equestria have a system to transfer magic around their body, so when she was struck the attack was spread throughout her body. Combine that with her alicorn resistance, and it probably just felt like her entire body was on fire or something, and not explode her. Though a normal pony without alicorn resistance would likely just explode in a shower of blood and gore.
Dude, if it hasn’t happened yet, it won’t happen at all.
4874091
The last time I had a girlfriend I would have been like 10 or 11, so no...
I sort of understand your pain there. It's sort of familiar since it is, in a way, like writing the commentary.
Perhaps it only works while stationary? I can sort of buy that. Additionally, it didn't hide their eyes which was weird. Magic is weird, it can basically do whatever you want/need it to do. Who needs laws of physics when you have S C I E N C E! Wait that's not right... We have unicorns and alicorns and ponies and magic and friendship. But in all seriousness, perhaps she didn't just make it out of magic-- perhaps she had the matter available somewhere for repurposing. But I tend to agree that it seemed more like she was making it... and that bothers me because it was Starlight, the unicorn, rather than Twilight, the alicorn Princess of Friendship/Magic, who did it. I wonder if Twilight's gotten lazy...
That makes sense and I have never thought of it before. But, regardless, I am very grateful that living beings don't explode when hit by magic. This isn't Ghostbusters or Men in Black. I don't want to see cute pony mares explode! Especially not so gory...
You know, you're probably right. That doesn't stop me from worrying about that. I'm like Twilight in that way. For instance, yesterday I woke up way too early, panicking because of college, and then didn't get to fall back asleep. I could also joke about taking that as a challenge, but I'll save that for another story. Additionally, there may be some controversy about what I'm planning for Radiant's sequel. I don't really think there should be, but there could be. I don't think anypony is going to lose any limbs or anything, I need to talk to a moderator or admin about a few things before I get started on that story...