On Abuse in Ponyfic: an unofficial Ice Star review of 'And if I don't belong...' (CONTAINS SENSITIVE TOPICS) · 11:41pm May 6th, 2018
Hello! It's been a while since I've done one of my large reviews of anything. The last time was my blog series on 'Bride of Discord' and pointing out and deconstructing fairy tale tropes and why the story was a kiddie guide to an abusive relationship.
Today's story covers similar topics, and was one I encountered on the front page recently due to its speedy updates. That, in itself, is not a problem... the quality of the story leaves much to be desired, however. It was short and surprisingly light (a red flag for its subject matter) enough that I was able to go through it thoroughly and quickly yesterday (as I'm typing this) and decided to offer some critique today. However, my dissection of the story turned out to be a motherfucking essay on the subject of abuse and writing things like PTSD. Because of this, I ended up splitting my thoughts into multiple comments. So, yes, it did end up being quite a lot! However, I also ended up being called 'educational' (yes, I'm not kidding) for my lengthy comments. I've decided to turn them into a blog for y'all.
But first: please do not keep reading if you don't want to read sensitive materials. This is not limited to the discussion of PTSD, rape, and abusive dynamics. If that's not something you want to read about today, for whatever reason, then please don't read this blog. It isn't meant to be upsetting. I also am not anyone with a professional background in any of this subject matter. Not only might what I say be wrong, it also is not a a one-situation-covers-all matter. What I'm describing is mostly only specific only to the situation of the story and such. Don't treat everything in here as an exact 'Abuse 101' at all. Seriously, why would you do that?
As always, I've linked the story itself and encourage you to read it first before looking at the stuff below the other other break, since it will contain spoilers. What this story is about, however, is Luna intervening in a suicide attempt of Twilight's, where it is then learned that Twilight has been molested and beaten by her family throughout her young life, and that she has a shaky condition of what the author cannot decide is PTSD or depression... because things are that simple. After childish revenge scenes, Luna who apparently thinks of Twilight as her child now, adopts her as quickly as you can snap your fingers. That's about it, I guess. Oh, and it also occurs in a season two AU, I think. Not too sure.
Where to start with this? There's, unfortunately, numerous issues with development of the story and the content within. What looked like a rough, but decently written read with speedy updates turned out to be... incredibly flawed. I'll be sure to spoiler out my thoughts though, since my comment is honestly probably going to be as long as the story. Ugh. Not to mention, it'd be best for someone to read it first. But, I'm still going to be saying a lot more than 'get an editor' here, though you really need an editor badly.
First, I should start with these two things: with practice and a revision, this could be a much better story. You should honestly consider this way more like a first draft than anything. The second thing is that the title, descriptions, and cover art could be cleaned up a bit more to better showcase your story and show the effort you put into it. All of these are easy and superficial things, since the front page of your story is not the story itself.
Grammar-wise, and I'll just get this out of the way, your story is not, like, abysmal? I made a lot of similar mistakes to you when I first started out, but with the help of editors and other things cleaned them up. I don't actually expect a story to have perfect grammar, but when faced with something... blegh, it really ought to be addressed. So, I'm not going to hold that against you. However, the fact that you have nothing to compensate for the bad grammar does nothing in your favor.
One last thing I should say before really slicing into the meat of this story is that you a) might want to refine your author's notes so they read a bit more clearly and help the reader follow along with what you try to establish and b) should probably consider adding anything along the lines of 'A Season Two AU' in your description. Your story seems to have nothing from Season Three onward that could bear relevance to the subject matter and characters: no Crystal Empire, No Alicorn Twi, No Castle, and no Flurry.
Everything from here on contains marked spoilers and discussion of potentially triggering material.
Opening with a suicide attempt isn't a problem. Opening with suicide attempt that's not well-delivered, built-up, or follow the character very well and how suicidal actions would be expressed by them is a problem. Night Fire was... an odd addition. Both Twilight's apparently dead cousin and the Boundarylands (which should be capital if that's how you wish to write it) could use little brushes of worldbuilding and other elements worked in to make their inclusion meaningful and natural. Twilight's internal dialogue does not feel like Twilight, suicidal or otherwise. Her trauma is not even foreshadowed and woven into the story well here, when it should be most such a driving point. What I will give you credit for is knowing ragwort is toxic to horses... but that's it.
Since I've already read the story before typing this: Princess Luna is such a huge problem in this story. Your entire plot honestly should have gone through another draft or so, but there's other points for discussion on why later. It makes total sense for Princess Luna to be the one to be able to intervene (So, on a side note, I guess you included dream-walking) and to be able to offer moral support and help Twilight deal with things in a story like this.
It does not make any sense for Princess Luna to be so chummy and attempt motherly gestures or anything at Twilight, and she latches onto her so rapidly and unrealistically that she feels like Luna in dialogue only (and even she feels OOC in later examples of dialogue). In canon up to the point you use - season two - Twilight and Luna are clearly established as something a bit below friendship or equal to it. (And, in canon, their relationship is basically just a professional one as 'fellow princesses' and hardly anything more.) You have zero foundation for this relationship that comes out of nowhere and simply tosses itself carelessly on the 'All forms of TwiLuna 5eva!!' headcanon cart that's nearly a living, breathing buzzword in this fandom and more often than not treats the two like total soulmates without anything to make... just anything about it work. Luna's choice to adopt Twilight so quickly (adoption processes still take time, no matter who you are) not only makes no sense, but isn't really possible. The story even mentions this in a later chapter. Twilight Sparkle is a full grown adult, and therefore, cannot be adopted.
If you really needed that adoption-like angle, having Celestia, an established caretaker and mentor to Twilight, take Twilight in again and see to her would make for a wonderful, fitting story. She's a character who can easily be written as a mother figure, and there would be no forced plot or anything. Just a compassionate drama story. Using Cadance would also work, but from a more sisterly angle. Both these ponies are written as supporting Twilight through this ordeal. All of them would make so much more sense than Luna, who in your poorly paced story is just tossed in here 'just because'. Of course, Luna could still work as a supportive figure (just, not a mother, again, that whole thing doesn't make sense) for Twilight and the primary one, if you tried to write more to develop a whole new relationship and build it in a meaningful way, as well as get past their rather opposing personalities.At this point, I'll be breaking my full thoughts on this into multiple comments for you.
Second chapter, and once again, marked for spoilers.
Having mixed reactions to the suicide attempt, and confusion was actually a good move. Yes, some of it may not have been handled well, but that's fixable with polish. The rapid pacing continues to be an issue. You got the exaggerated startle response down for many people who have PTSD, but it's just not expressed in a way that really feels like a version of Twilight? It might if you gave her some more body language to fit her dialogue into, but I can't really say for certain.
You've alluded in your author's notes to this being drawn from personal experience. While having personal things in a story is fine - I've done it before, as have many others who write here. But depression and suicide are very heavy and delicate subjects that it's best to put some care and research behind. The therapy in here doesn't feel like it's real therapy either. It's contrived and neat, where everything is calm and resolved easily... so, not much like real therapy at all.
Marked spoilers below!
Twilight herself is another odd character in here, because she doesn't really feel remotely like any version of herself. You give her the age of about twenty and make it clear she's an adult, but she's acting like she's twelve. Her thought process, choices, and dialogue feel like they belong to another character. Only her friendships are really kept intact. She doesn't even pay that much attention to Princess Celestia, instead letting Luna do almost everything for her.
Here's where the largest issues of the story lie: the abuse and handling of PTSD.Before I give you the bad, I'd like to point out the good thing you have done in this story (which, no, I haven't downvoted): You have portrayed Applejack very well, as a supportive and caring friend who is doing the right thing with being patient and listening to what someone going through so much mental turmoil needs. She's dependable and with subdued compassion compared to the more overtly empathetic Fluttershy, and her emotional reactions are balanced. Her accent is a little rough, but that's no biggie! Congrats on writing such a supportive AJ!
A mistake you made with another character was with Spike. You never, ever flat-out tell a child something this big, even if they're 'mature enough'. It's scary. It's wrong. There are safer ways to slowly communicate something as big as a member of a family facing sexual abuse to a younger family member, such as a brother/sister or son/daughter... or whoever else, really. You never burden a child with that knowledge, and you would have to start slow. Telling Spike that Twilight needs therapy for something that happened a long time ago would be alright. Just... almost anything, really. Somepony like Celestia or one of her friends could tell Spike Twilight needs to see a therapist for depression.
(Another thing to note: multiple times, especially in the description of the sequel, you list Twilight's problem as being 'depression'. Depression and PSTD can exist in a comorbid state, but they are not the same. In some people, their PTSD can have depressive features, and some symptoms overlap, but once again, it's not the same. You would not treat one the way you would treat the other. This is another reason why research is important.)
Before I get into the bulk of this, I would also like to point out that talking about traumatic experiences like years of molestation and other abuse is extremely difficult to cope with and talk about, for the most part. If Twilight was able to function well without meds, therapy, and only (what appeared to be) anxiety/OCD or somewhat autistic behavior before the reveal (basically, like her show self) then Twilight must have likely coped through what is called 'compartmentalization'. It could also be used to explain previously reduced night terrors* too, and that a depressive spell, damage to her attempts to push her thoughts away, and other issues (like suicidal yearnings**) led her to her attempt, and that's why these dreams weren't noticed before.
*Congrats on being able to tell the difference between nightmares and night terrors! This is actually pretty important. However, Luna's explanation of night terrors makes them sound almost magical or like some kind of spiritual affliction... which is weird?
**By including signs of suicidal thoughts in the aftermath of the attempt, you've included a realistic element of suicidal depression in your stories, even if the previous issues still stand. This is also something Twilight would want to discuss with a therapist in a realistic setting or try to use techniques a therapist could teach her (or any unhealthy ones of her own) to cope with her thoughts. Even struggling to try and replace them with positive ones would be character progression you would want in a story.
And here's the real meat of the comments.
The abuse itself is the ugly heart of so many of the problems in this story. It suffers from terrible pacing, inexperienced writing, horrible characterization on the part of the abusers, an inconsistent impact on the abused pony, a confusing way it was shoved into the setting***, and most of all it is done in a way that is painfully melodramatic.
***Abuse can obviously fly under the radar, but with how much you implied was happening to Twilight, I'm really not sure how she can function anymore. She went away from her family to live with Celestia and Spike in the castle, was well as going to classes at Celestia's school, but how did no doubt occur? Did anypony ever pull Twilight aside for an awkward conversation at school because they thought she was acting funny? What was Family Appreciation Day like for? You can tell me that this character was abused, but you have to tell me how it happened too.
Most importantly, I think you should give an idea to why it happened. I'm not saying you should not have Twilight's family be portrayed as evil for what they've done, but you've got to offer more than that. They actually appear in here, and outside of the absurd kiddie kind of revenge fantasy that's treated like a 'solution' to the problem of them is not only terrible writing, but a missed chance to offer any insight into these characters. (Also, Cadance married Shining Armor! That's an entire missed subplot there! You didn't even write them as a husband and wife, it seems.) Instead, this just becomes a generic abusefic with a few odd quirks, like AJ being a good friend.
Another thing is how unrealistic various angles of the abuse are. Why was the whole family involved? If you're going for a more 'typical' situation of abuse, everyone has some level of awareness of what's happening, except maybe any siblings. One parent (yes, it's usually a parent or a more dominant sibling, but not always the older one) acts as the abuser towards Child A (from here on, I'll be calling them foals) and is a normal or especially good parent to Foal B, who has no idea what is going on. The other parent is unlikely to be in the dark. They might turn a blind eye, accuse Foal A of being a liar and shaming them into silence (and even punishing them), they could be emotionally abusive**** towards Foal A, who is an established victim of neglect of sexual abuse now. The other parent might even be a willing enabler, or perhaps groomed to allow this. That parent could also be suffering spousal abuse from their own spouse, to submissive to get help, or too meek to challenge their partner. None of this is the situation you have to use, but it's an example of something that is more likely to happen in an abusive situation.
****I'm just going to say this outright, but sexual abuse from mothers is fairly rare, or at least less reported. Emotional and mental abuse from females, is far more likely, however... this doesn't make the possibility that Twilight Velvet was the abusive parent and Night Light was the enabler in the example situation above... just far less likely. Which, of course, is part of the reason I used neutral terms to refer to them, though I'm also not sexist, so I'unno.That's about all I have to say on your story!
One comment had a paragraph removed because it wasn't something that belonged in a review, but a message to the author.
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4855079
love how they told you to chill the fuck out tho
mkay but srsly i didn't even read it and i get a bad vibe from it4855083
Yeah 'chill the fuck out' to critique I tried to be like... not horrible with is... a treat?
I dunno???
And you probably should try the story. You might have a different opinion.
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This is why I prefer to stick to fictional and/or magic-induced problems. Then again, most authors fudge those up, too, so... I feel your pain, I truly do.
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Then we can properly commiserate within these comments.