Author's Commentary: Critical Mass Chapter 3 · 11:18pm May 3rd, 2018
I vaguely remember once upon a time that I was supposed to be rereading Critical Mass and doing a commentary on it. If you don't remember either, I don't blame you, it's been a few months since I've touched Critical Mass. That's probably a bad thing since I probably don't remember Chapter 1 or Chapter 2, but that's okay. As you've probably also noticed, I've been quite busy so this has taken a back seat on my to-do list, which has sort of turned into a "never to be done" list. But I'm trying to get some things done, hence why I'm starting on this.
Also, I am kind of hoping that this will help me with Radiant, cause I feel like I've hit a brick wall in it. I'm used to publishing chapters after I finish them, not writing the entire thing in one go. I treasure comments I get on new chapters... Back on the prior topic of this paragraph, I sort of know where to go with Radiant, it's just a matter of being motivated and writing it... I don't think I'll get any writing in it done today, but soon, hopefully.
Critical Mass, Chapter 3, everypony! Buckle your seatbelts cause I don't remember what happened in this chapter!
Warning, this Author's Commentary ("Commentary") will contain spoilers for Critical Mass Chapter 3. If you have not read Chapter 3 in Critical Mass, I advise you to turn away now and come back later. This Commentary may also contain information which has been said before in prior Commentaries, Author's Notes at the end of chapters, or in comments I have made. Be warned, it could also contain spoilers for future stories in this series.
You have been warned.
And as per usual, the chapter opens up with a cute scene, or maybe I'm just biased, but I smiled. They're in the hospital for Twilight's checkup and it's cold, so they're close together and Rainbow is keeping Twilight warm. Now, aside from the obvious "It's cold in hospitals" part, there's something of an implication here that there is something wrong with Twilight, which mostly relates to her not completely recovering yet.
Rainbow brings up how it's not exactly normal to have your friends with you at a "personal" doctor's appointment, but Twilight counters with an "I trust you." I'm pretty sure there was something important about this when I wrote it, but I don't remember now.
"Hey, it'll be fine. You're going to be okay, alright? I promise that you'll be okay," Rainbow said in a serious, firm tone.
Twilight took a deep breath and shifted her weight beneath Rainbow's wing. "You don't... you can't know that..." she retorted.
One of Twilight's problems exemplified: her uncertainty.
Rainbow leaned away from Twilight, then turned to face her. Twilight shied away from her and pressed her forehead against Rainbow's shoulder. "Hey, look at me," she said. Twilight swallowed, then slowly lifted her head back up and met Rainbow's gaze. "You're going to be okay. You know why? Because I promised that I'll be there for you, no matter what. I will make it okay, alright?" Rainbow said seriously, studying Twilight's eyes.
Rainbow's reassurance and promise, and yet Twilight just can't accept or believe it.
For whatever reason, I feel like, at least in this series, all of the characters are essentially the same. Really, what's the difference in this series between Celestia, Luna, Doctor Manner, Rainbow, and the rest of the main 5 + Starlight and Spike? Please, if you can explain the difference, comment. I need to figure this out because I feel like I am writing bland characters. Especially in Radiant, so far I feel like Luna and Celestia don't actually have characters to them, Twilight's clingy, and... I don't know about Rainbow.
Doctor Manner squinted and slowly nodded. "It would probably be a good idea to start flying and exercising more, then. If you've not had any issues with feeling sick or nauseous, then you should start exercising. Push yourself, but don't push yourself so much that you make yourself sick," he said. He glanced over at Rainbow, who was paying more attention to the wall than both of them. "You can make sure Twilight gets proper exercise, right?"
Because this series is written at least partially realistically and exercise is important. It's written at least partially realistically in the sense that it's not like the whole magical fairy tale you'd expect or whatever. A kiss doesn't simply make everything alright... as we'll see later.
And now the second time in this chapter I've noticed a typo.
For some reason it seems like Twilight is a bit of a liar here, she doesn't really make any attempts to eat more meat.
Hmm, this doctor's visit wasn't the one I was expecting it seems. Strange, I disctintly remember another doctor's appointment in this... series... that was more thorough. I was pretty sure Rainbow was there too. And there was some mention of needing to see a specialist for an unnamed issue which you can probably figure out if you've kept up with the Commentary.
For some reason, I really hate how the next scene opens. Describing ponies taking flight, for whatever reason, is a bane of my existence.
I look forward to being done with Radiant so that I can move onto making a less depressing series. I think that has been bad for my health.
Twilight's getting better, but depression sucks. In the future, this will be discussed in a Commentary from a different angle once we get to the chapters with Chryssie (Chrysalis).
Rainbow's flight slowed to a hover. After a couple of seconds, Twilight slowed down to a hover, and both of them watched each other. "I can't imagine what that's like, Twilight. Really, I can't. Starlight compared it to a pegasus losing their wings. I can't imagine what that would be like either... it would be... horrible..." she said quietly. "But that's not all that's bothering you! Please talk to me."
Twilight looked away from Rainbow, glancing down at Ponyville. "Everything... has changed so much. I miss the old days..." she replied quietly. She glanced back up at Rainbow and met her gaze. "Back when the six of us had so much more free time to be together. Back when I was just learning all about this. About friendship. It... it just doesn't feel the same, now..." she trailed off and sighed, then hung her head and folded her ears back once again. "I think I'm depressed... and I think that I'm that way because of either being exposed to enough radiation to cause neurological damage, or losing my horn. On top of that, there's the chance that the damage I sustained from the radiation changed my body chemistry in such a way that I'm not suffering from depression," she said, speaking in such a way as a professor would.
Foreshadowing? Possible. I did plan for that one thing to happen back before I started writing this story... Also definite foreshadowing in the second paragraph here. But what is foreshadowed, hmm..? You'll just have to wait and see for one of the next three stories in this series... assuming, of course, that I am able to write those.
For whatever reason, my mind has slipped away to thinking of Radiant. I should write up a description for it and just go ahead and publish it, at least the first chapter. I'm sure that would motivate me to continue. And on a related note, I should do that with one of my secret projects. That'd be nice. What do you guys think? Should I do that? Leave a comment...
Having actually read fanfiction yesterday for teh first time in ages, and now rereading my own writing, I feel so incredibly inferior. How exactly can I hope to compare to great stories like The Quiet Place? Well, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, for one, it's mostly completely a different genre with a completely different story line. But still...
Have I ever mentioned what inspired me to write this series? I don't think I have. Any guesses? Ever heard of Twilight is Magic? Anyway, it's this one incredibly long series written by Twidashforever. It's probably over a million words long. Believe it or not, that series sort of inspired me to write this series. You probably wouldn't believe it because that series gets pretty... well. How do I put this nicely? That story gets absolutely messed up, and it doesn't take that long for it to happen. I loved that series the first time I read it... but then the second time I couldn't finish it. It was a bit of a disappointment. But, I want to write the best series I can with Meltdown/Reaction/Critical Mass/Radiant and continuing onward. However, I am not completely sure how I can keep it up because of multiple reasons. One, low retainment associated with series (you can see for yourself in my Statistics information posted in my monthly blog posts. This information is incredibly disheartening), two, I have ideas but I don't quite know how to inplement them because they require a lot of time to really address them.
I am rambling a lot right now. Anyway, back to the Commentary!
'What... will you look like... in... well, whenever that'll be. A few centuries? What will you look like with the flowing mane and tail like Celestia and Luna?'she wondered, picturing the almost magical quality of the princesses manes, combined with Twilight's mane.'You're going to be so beautiful... I hope I can see that...'
A few things to say about this. One, that made me tear up, picturing Twilight like that. I may have a slight crush on Twilight, and as of late, I seem to have developed one on Celestia. And then Horse Play happened... Great episode, by the way. I really hope we get to see Twilight growing into her alicorn stature in the show, in particular, I want her to rock the ethereal mane more like in the season 4 premiere. Also, assuming I get the opportunity, I will address this issue in the series, but that's probably a few years out at a minimum.
Twilight sighed. "I know, I know... but... I just... I can't. I can't stop worrying about it... I know I need to, but I can't... it's... part of who I am."
This gets brought up in Radiant. 
"Cuddling helps you. I really don't have to go back to the Wonderbolts, Twilight. I could stay with you and... be with you," she offered in a soft voice.
"No. I can't... do that. As much as I want that, as much as I want to just be with you all day, every day, it's not fair to you. I can't just take your dream from you," Twilight firmly retorted.
I am sure I have touched on this before, but this is one of Twilight's major issues. It's an internal civil war. She wants to be with Rainbow, but she doesn't want to impose on her time and her life, and she can't get over that part, and in a way, it makes her sort of reject Rainbow's affection. I believe this gets touched on in the last chapter, and in all honesty, Rainbow probably made the wrong choice, if my memory is correct and she chose to quit the Wonderbolts.
It's strange, isn't it? Or perhaps that's just my analytical mind at work.
"Don't forget thatI want to be with you too, Twilight..." she said,
I'm not entirely convinced this has truly clicked for Twilight. I'm not sure it's really clicked for her yet in Radiant. I think it has, but I'm not entirely sure. She does trust Rainbow, and that trust has only increased after the end of Critical Mass, but still...
Spike tentatively knocked on the door. He shifted his weight as he heard an audible groan coming from Rainbow Dash.
I don't really think I've explored Rainbow and Spike's relationship, or what Spike thinks of the whole thing. It... sort of... gets touched on so far in Radiant.
I'm mentioning Radiant a lot. I think and hope that's a good thing.
Rainbow nodded, then opened the door all the way and stepped aside to grant him entrance. "Okay... what's it say?" she asked.
"I haven't read it yet," Spike said as he walked into the room.
...
Rainbow closed the door, then walked over and sat down beside Twilight. "So what's it say?" she asked.Twilight looked up from the scroll and cast a blank glance at Rainbow. "I haven't finished it yet," she replied.
I'm pretty sure I did that part on purpose for comedy.
Rainbow frowned. "As a precaution..? You know, with everything Ponyville has been through in the past few years, you would have thought that there would already be Royal Guards here because of all that. It seems like everything bad happens in Ponyville."
At times like these, I question Celestia's ability to think strategically, and tactically. I am not particularly inclined to have her as a leader, most definitely a general, field marshal, or commander. However, in times of peace, I think she'd be excellent. Now I am thinking of the Hearts of Iron 4 mod Equestria at War. Equestria starts in an absolutely terrible state in terms of military preparedness, which is completely accurate. Just look at the movie.
Twilight grimaced and bobbed her head. "She says that Queen Chrysalis is proving to be quite elusive. They're getting close, but she keeps slipping them up... Other than that, she was very vague..." she trailed off and swallowed, then slowly turned to look at Rainbow. "You... don't think that... they're sending Royal Guards here because-"
Rainbow hardened her expression. "No. That's not happening. You're safe here."
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "Between the Royal Guard and the rest of the girls, to say nothing of Starlight, Ponyville is probably one of the safest places you can be!"
I don't think this is the first time it's hinted at in this story that Chyssie is a threat, but I don't remember either. I can't help but feel that Spike mentioning Starlight there is something of a slight mockery of Twilight, in the context that Twilight couldn't defeat Starlight when they fought in the season 5 finale. But, Twilight's not really combatively inclined- she's not a soldier. However, when Twilight's horn regrows... I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but it's been a while; Canonically, Twilight's magic has become much stronger with the absence of her horn. Think of it as the way her body is reacting to being more vulnerable and how she's reacting to the stress. I sort of have another variation of this in another story of mine, Civil War of Harmony, in which Twilight is nearly killed (her neck is stabbed three times and she almost bleeds out), and in response, she has a magic surge and her alicorn magic becomes much stronger, and she grows physically to... I think it's taller than Cadance.
I could go into more detail on that, but that one thing I want to add would be best saved for a later chapter since it's more closely related to that.
"Hey, I'm sure she would tell you if you were in any danger," Spike added.
In all honesty, at least personally, I can't fault Celestia and Luna for not telling Twilight. They don't want her to worry or stress any more than she already is, and they don't fully understand the danger.
Augh. I don't want to read the next scene at all. This is one of those [internal screaming] moments.
So, I'm just going to completely skip that part. I think that part has the revelation that they don't actually have Chrysalis contained, but then they never figure it out...
Third spelling error which has stood out, "Twiligth."
I need to have a scene in Radiant with Rainbow there while Twilight's scarfing down meat... while the rest of the alicorns are doing the same thing. So I could have it be slightly awkward or have her being slightly weary or something of it...
Oh yes, and this reminds me of another point for the sequel to Radiant...
I'm so vague, aren't I? Isn't it wonderful? 
I really can't wait for Twilight's horn to come back. She's just not the same. Plus I want to write the scene where Twilight's horn grows back, she figures it out, and for a moment, becomes more Pinkie Pie than Pinkie Pie. And of course, she accidentally destroys something because her magic is a lot stronger. That'll be fun.
I distinctly remember more than once thinking of Twishy when I've read and done the Author's Commentary in this series for some reason. Maybe I need to write that to get it out of my mind. I mean, it can be pretty cute, right? Well, let's see... originally I was going to list the ships I like, but then I realized I'd basically be making every permutation of Twilight, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Celestia and Luna there could be. According to my math right there, that's 120 potential ships. But my list isn't quite that big... But perhaps I need to make a blog post addressing ships I like and or would like to write.
Wings are nice.
Someone has said before that I am great at writing cuddles. I don't know how to feel about that. I agree with it, but I also disagree with it. I feel like I'm inadequate at it and that I overdo it in an attempt to make up for incompetence. I certainly write a lot of cuddles, and honestly I think I may be getting tired of writing cuddles in this series. It's like there's not enough variety.
Night was the perfect ally.
Introducing the villain Nightmare Moon. Oh, excuse me, Queen Chrysalis. Last night I had the idea of writing some story where Chrysalis, Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, Celestia, Cadance, Luna, and Twilight all teamed up to fight some outside threat.
Queen Chrysalis growled in a low, sharp tone, the hatred emanating from her growl sent shivers down the spines of the changelings with her.
They only follow Chrysalis out of fear for their lives. I'm not sure if this was evident enough. Or at least most of them are that way.
Any other day, when she was at her full power, she would have brought the castle down, turning it into a pile of broken shards and debris- like it deserved, regardless of the consequences. She would do it out of pure spite for the infernal Princess of Friendship and her student who called it home, and she would laugh at their pain and anguish, savoring every delectable second of it.
She's sadistic. Which should be quite obvious if you've read future chapters.
Fourth spelling error. Should be "savor" but it's "save."
She already hated the alarm, it wouldn't let her drift back to a peaceful slumber holding the mare she loved in ehr hooves.
Ignoring the spelling error, this is a beautiful sentence.
Alarm clocks are evil.
Twilight really needs her horn back that way she'll stop moping and feeling useless. But of course, we've sort of already established that a major contributor to her depression is the loss of her horn. I'll have to have it regrow soon so she can address other important issues.
I'm kind of tired of reading all of their thoughts for some reason.
I don't have much to say about this next part.
Or the next scene.
She idly rolled her head over and looked at the clock. The time brought a unsuppressed grimace to her lips.'It's only been seven hours and already I'm a mess without her...'
I feel as if somewhere in here I messed up. Seven hours since they woke up, and it's around lunchtime? That seems... questionable.
Oh hey, Twilight's friends all decided to show up and pay her a visit. That's a really nice thing for them to do. It's nice to know that they care enough about her to take time off to visit her real quick and these are changelings, aren't they.
Honestly, I should recount things. Let me count it all out here, Starlight, Rarity, Spike, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack. Rainbow isn't with them. I think that's everyone who's supposed to be there, so I miscounted when I wrote it.
Twilight swallowed nervously and slowly sat up. Rarity, without missing a beat, lit her horn, except her aura wasn't the familiar, friendly blue, instead, it was a sickening, malicious green aura.
Gasp! What a shocking turn of events! We could have never expected this to happen! It was so completely unpredictable, there was absolutely no foreshadowing to this at all!
Twilight's heart skipped a beat, and her expression blanked in the split second she figured it out.
There's that moment of time between hearing something, your brain figuring it out, and then reacting. This is that time. You know, like the sort of scene in a movie where suddenly the character figures something out, and you can just see it on their face, and they realize how big of a mistake has been made.
This scene is kind of intense, fast paced, and actiony, or at least I think so. It excites me to read it.
Queen Chrysalis hovered in the air, then flew over the bed and landed in front of Twilight. Twilight backed up and lowered her head closer to the ground, almost to the point of her chest touching the floor. The look in her eyes was one of fear, knowing there was absolutely nothing she could do, knowing that she was on her own and that she was completely at the mercy of a monster.
Keep this in mind. It'll be important later. If you've read the story, then you should be able to figure out what scene I'm saying this is important to keep in mind for. If you haven't then you're getting spoiled: The scene where Rainbow and Twilight get confronted by Chrysalis in the forest.
Queen Chrysalis hissed, then picked Twilight up with her magic. Twilight shuddered in fear, unable to fight Chrysalis off without her horn to project her magic. The changeling stood up at her full her height, then pulled Twilight muzzle to muzzle with her, leaving but an inch of space between them."I am going to break you!"she growled. In one swift motion, she spun around, holding Twilight in place, then launched her head first at the wall.
First note, Chrysalis pretty much succeeded. Second note... this story is a lot darker than Reaction and Meltdown. This scene is a taste of that, but the darkest part is most certainly to come. I don't know how many/if any of you were turned off of this story becasue of this, but I didn't make this story dark for the sake of being dark or edgy; there was a purpose behind this, there was a purpose behind what happened to Twilight.
Man, I love reading that scene again for some reason. It's quite appealing to me. The genres I like are Dark, Adventure, Sad, and Romance. The first fanfiction I ever read was a dark war story, so there's that too.
Twilight really got her flank handed to her in that. You can't even call it a fight, that was just assault. She couldn't protect herself. And that may be one major problem with this story. Twilight was vulnerable and defenseless; she's weak and depressed, and then Chrysalis comes in and attacks her and... all of that. I'm pretty sure I remember someone saying something along the lines of it being like "Chrysalis was kicking a puppy" in reference to how she treated Twilight and how that comes across as a major dislike for people, which I can understand that. But there's still a purpose behind that.
Don't underestimate Chekov.
That gave me a laugh. I don't remember what that's a reference to. There are so many possibilities of what this could be a reference to. This series as a whole has at least two other Chekov's guns in it just waiting to go off.
And that is Critical Mass Chapter 3, or the part where you wince as Twilight gets beaten up and Chrysalis draws her blood, then realize that Chrysalis captured Twilight, and Chrysalis is sadistic and that things are going to get very bad for Twilight.
I may have gone overboard with that part, but then I may have gone overboard with this entire story. Perhaps I ended up shooting myself in the foot and making everyone here who liked Reaction hate me. After all, Critical Mass only has a fraction of the views and likes of Reaction. Because of this, I'm not really all that optimistic about this series' future. I would absolutely love to write Radiant, then 2-3 more stories after that, but I'm not convinced that I'll be motivated to continue it. It depends a lot on Radiant I suppose, and as it is, Radiant isn't going that well.
Actually, I suppose after Critical Mass, there's probably a third Chekov's gun in this series. You should comment and see if you can name them, or get close to them. I'm aiming for "obvious in hindsight." Unfortunately, they may be predictable.
This Commentary, as usual, took forever to write. I look forward to reading your comments!
For me this was one of those chapters were you think “this isn’t really happening, it’s a dream sequence or something, Luna will come and make it all better” nope!!! That wasn’t the case at all. At least you didn’t kill off one of the main characters. I remember the first time I read a story that did that, I didn’t even believe it to be real until halfway through the next chapter when it became obvious that the character died, and there wasn’t going to be a Deus ex machina to bring them back.
Also, please keep working on radiant, I can’t wait to read it when it comes out.
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I have planned to work on Radiant today, and I think I had a breakthrough last night on what I need to do, thanks at least in part, to this Commentary.
I haven't read many chapters where I've thought that what's written isn't really happening, but it feels like one stands out but I don't remember what it was or what it was from... Rest assured that none of the main characters will die in Radiant. And for the next story, it's not planned, but somepony will almost die... but there is a plan behind it (and a quite important one too). As for the future, well, if I manage to write this series as I intend, then enough time will pass that I can't say for sure. I cannot help but feel from whenever I've done the Commentary on parts with Celestia, that it seems like something is wrong with her and that she's... not doing that well. But, if anything comes of that it'd be at least 20 years in the story universe, so don't worry...