Author's Commentary: Critical Mass Chapter 1 · 8:37pm Feb 11th, 2018
So, I started on this commentary back on the 18th of Janurary, so it's almost been a month since I actually started on it. So now I'll finish the commentary on this chapter. The reason I stopped, aside from getting busy, was because I did some commentary on it which I felt compelled to add, but at the same time it made me scream internally at myself for adding it, and so I avoided touching this for a while...
I had also planned to be finished with this, and started on the next story by now. That, perhaps obviously, has not happened. But! It's on my list of things to do! Just, as always, I struggle to find the time, and perhaps more importantly, I am struggling to start the first chapter. That's always the hardest. I know what I want (at least in the first chapter), but I just don't want to write it for some reason... Last night I told myself that "At this rate, you'll never get around to working on the next story in this series, or finishing all of your works, let alone making this series the best it can be." So, let's hope that helps. I've not forgotten about this but it's been a while since I've messed with it. Let's see where it goes, shall we?
Warning, this Author's Commentary ("Commentary") will contain spoilers for Critical Mass Chapter 1. If you have not read Chapter 11 in Critical Mass, I advise you to turn away now and come back later. This Commentary may also contain information which has been said before in prior Commentaries, Author's Notes at the end of chapters, or in comments I have made. Be warned, it could also contain spoilers for future stories in this series.
You have been warned.
Before I get into this story... I envisioned it for a while. There were two ideas I had, and the darker one won. The reason behind this was I felt that it needed to be addressed first. Simply put, Chrysalis needed to make her move sooner rather than later. Originally, Meltdown was a one-shot. Originally, there wasn't going to be anything about who was responsible for that event. But that changed, and now here we are... When I started writing Critical Mass, I knew that not everyone would like it, simply because it got darker. Twilight was already hurt and just starting to recover, and she gets broken down even further than before. She gets put through a lot more than she's already been through. I pondered this story quite a lot, trying to figure out how Twilight would handle it, considering what she's been through... In the end, I think the story turned out alright, but when writing it, and after having written it, I'm a bit disappointed in it and the reception. I'm also a bit disappointed that it didn't end on a better note, but I'm still pleased with how it ended.
The second idea, the one which I didn't use, I still plan to use, but I'm still shaping it right now. It's not ready yet, but I am working on it... at least some. I'm really looking forward to it, though.
It took me about 8 attempts to start Critical Mass. I'm not that great at starting a story for some reason. Maybe that plays into why I enjoy writing long stories- you don't have to constantly stare at a blank white page. You have a background to jump off of and push forward when you already have the first chapter written. I'd go so far as to say I'm terrible at starting a story. I personally think I can tell a story well, but getting started on one is quite hard for me. I have had tons of ideas for fanfics, and only a few of them have been written, or are being written. And there are so many potential variations or twists of certain events in the stories which can change them drastically, spinning them into entirely different stories. This drives me crazy.
Originally, this chapter started with Twilight and Rainbow walking to the train station, but then I hit a brick wall and had no idea what next. I think I remember knowing that I wanted to include Twi's parents, but I'm not 100% sure. And I couldn't figure out how to make that work. So I scrapped that and tried again and again. Eventually, I settled on my tried and true method of starting chapters in this series: them sleeping together or cuddling. I could see people joke about this series being too cute and causing diabetes. But this particular story sort of breaks away from all the cuteness, at least for a while...
A lot of stories would have had a major time break between stories in a series. This series doesn't really have that, at least not yet. There's a bit of a time break between Critical Mass and the next story, but it's not that long. It's something that, in hindsight, is a bit weird, but I felt it was necessary for the "timely execution of the plot." Critical Mass and Reaction take place quite close to each other, but they're also pretty distinct. Combining the two stories wouldn't work too well, or at least I don't think it would.
Twilight moaned softly and shifted her weight, then pressed herself further into Rainbow's warm embrace. Twilight slowly slid her hooves up over Rainbow's chest, then snuck them around her withers and held onto her. She smiled and cracked open an eye, then pressed her muzzle into Rainbow's coat. She inhaled deeply, then sighed contently before nuzzling her friend. "Somepony's in a good mood."
"Yeah, I get to wake up holding you," Rainbow replied warmly.
I'm pretty sure I remember in Reaction, Rainbow pretty much had the same comment directed at Twilight, "Somepony's in a good mood," but of course Twilight didn't have Rainbow's reply here.
I suppose that Twilight and Rainbow do start out somewhat playful in this story. But I guess that's the giddiness and excitement of things...
Rainbow smiled, then unwrapped her forelegs from Twilight. She brought her right hoof back up to Twilight's head, then rustled her mane. Twilight shied away from Rainbow's hoof but made no real effort to get away from her. "I think the best part was when we slept together after... yeah."
Twilight nodded and smiled happily. "I would say that, but then Rarity had to show up after we woke up."
Rainbow snorted. "Good point," she relented.
In hindsight, this seems implicit/suggestion. That didn't happen, though. The next stories should make that abundantly clear... This also may have been a bit awkward to write, but I don't remember for sure. I do know that it's supposed to be about the night they slept together after Rainbow kissed Twilight and told her that she loved her.
This also seems to imply they were in Canterlot for longer than a week, either that or my memory is shot. Could be either, could be both.
Twilight giggled. After a few seconds, she finished giggling, but her warm, friendly smile remained. She shifted her weight, then tentatively slid her forehooves back up onto Rainbow's chest. She watched her hooves for a few seconds and circled them around on Rainbow. She loved feeling the mare's coat against her hooves, and she loved the way her friend's coat parted as her hooves circled around her. She lifted her gaze up, then hesitantly leaned in towards the mare. She went to the right, then quickly placed her lips on the mare's cheek. No sooner had she pecked the pegasus then she pulled back and looked back down at her hooves, her cheeks warming up.
I pictured this scene in my mind as I wrote it, and it was simply beautiful. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I still enjoy picturing it- Twilight laying on Rainbow and just slowly sliding her hooves around on Rainbow's chest, parting her fur ever so slightly with her motions. It's slightly mesmerizing.
Twilight smiled but said nothing. She planted her forehooves square on Rainbow's chest, then pulled her legs out from under Rainbow and slid them in between her body and Rainbow's body before pushing herself up into a sitting position on top of Rainbow. Rainbow leisurely stretched out again, then let her limbs go limp. The way Twilight looked down at her with the small, cute smile where her lips were lifted upward, but no teeth were visible, left her feeling content. "So, when are we heading back to Ponyville? Tonight, right?"
(This is that section which makes me scream internally at myself)
This is cute, but it also stands out in the back of my mind that they're ponies and don't wear clothes. So, you know... it... I don't know what to say here. What Twilight's doing isn't awkward, despite certain things which I'd rather not say. And the same thing can be said about them cuddling and holding each other, with their abdomens close... but... Ugh. I don't like talking about this. I'm trying to keep it clean and everything, but there are some deeper things which are they way it is but... I'm really just confusing you right now?
Read at your own peril, this is a deeper analysis/commentary which is also mature: So basically, Twilight's sitting on Rainbow's body, and they're not wearing clothes, so Twilight's nethers are basically on Rainbow. But it's not sex and it's not awkward or weird or anything like that based on the fact that it's not sex, sexualized, lustful, or anything like that. As for why Twilight's not freaking out about it, it's not that big of a deal and, again, it's not sex, sexualized, lustful, or anything like that. It's clean. So this implies there's a certain level of that which is okay by their societal standards, which seems reasonable considering different things. Additionally, since they're ponies, they have their teats on their abdomen, so that is part of why Rainbow was somewhat hesitant about washing Twilight's abdomen, but that's not quite as big of a deal as with her nethers, which Rainbow did not touch when giving Twilight baths, although Rainbow has seen Twilight's nethers when cleaning her tail, though she tried to avoid looking and letting Twilight keep her privacy. They're both virgins. And I do not plan to have a mature story in this series, nor do I plan to imply them doing that. It will get addressed in the series in a future story...
Augh, I don't like feeling like I absolutely must add that in. And what's worse? I'm going to be shooting myself in the foot later in this series if I do a commentary on those stories... Moving on.
(End of section which makes me scream internally. I kind of planned to remove it, because I feel that if I leave this in I'll regret it, but I'll be honest and keep it here.)
Twilight started to nod, then stopped and pursed her lips. "Well, my original plan was to leave this evening on an overnight train trip, but... I'm really looking forward to getting back home and seeing the girls..."
"You mean making sure Rarity didn't tell everypony," Rainbow replied dryly.
Twilight shifted her weight. "No! Not... just that... I... kind of want to make sure she didn't tell everypony, but... mostly because I miss my castle. And Spike. And Starlight." Twilight smiled sheepishly. "And my bed at the castle is more comfortable than this bed."
"And my bed is more comfortable than both," Rainbow idly added.
I really loved this. I sort of started writing it and then got carried away in the moment and ended up with this scene, and it was just so perfect that I had to include it.
Twilight giggled a little. "And your body is the most comfortable bed of them all," she said warmly, smiling down at Rainbow. Rainbow brought her forelegs up and slid them over Twilight's body, bringing her hooves up and wrapping them around Twilight's withers, drawing a small, content sigh from the alicorn.
Who doesn't like looking at the art on Derpibooru where ponies are laying on each other or cuddling like that? Anyone? Didn't think so. Specifically, right now I am thinking about this.
That's cute, isn't it? I really need to get around to writing a story for this pairing, but I just don't have ideas for it...
"And... well, I probably shouldn't... keep you from the Wonderbolts..." she trailed off, her lips twisting downward into a small frown, while her brow creased.
One of the most important things this story addresses. It's a point of friction between the two of them. Sure, the way Twilight acts may make it look like it's not important, but Rainbow can see that it is important because it hurts Twilight, and she doesn't like that. Twilight really needs to relax, since Rainbow leaving the Wonderbolts, or even suggesting it, makes Twilight freak out and feel like she's taking Rainbow's dream away from her.
Twilight smiled sheepishly. "I need a vacation from my vacation," she giggled. "I'm just... kind of tired of being out so much and being away from Ponyville. Going on vacation is nice and all, but... it can really drain you. And it's been a busy week."
I do not like vacations. If you want to give me a vacation, give me a break from having to do anything and let me lock myself in my room with food, chocolate milk, my computer, and internet access.
"It has been nice to be back in Canterlot, though..." Twilight sat up on the bed, then hopped back onto the floor. "I figured we could get cleaned up and then eat breakfast before leaving in the chariot. We should get back to Ponyville... sometime before dinner... if we get started right now." She swallowed and turned to face the bathroom door. She fluffed her wings, then turned back to Rainbow.
Rainbow casually walked over beside her. "Do... um... you want me to help you again?"
Twilight shifted her weight. "Um... n-no. T-thank you um... for the offer, but... I um... It... I... think I can do it... myself. I um... haven't had too many problems... since... then..."
"R-right," Rainbow replied, shaking her head quickly. "I just... I thought I'd offer to help you..." she trailed off, ruffling her wings.
Because this is still awkward, perhaps even more so now that they're pretty much officially together.
I don't really have a whole lot to say about the rest of that scene.
Pretty much the entirety of the scene with Rainbow still inside of the bathroom is supposed to be focused on how much she's grown attached to Twilight and how much she'll miss not being around her so much. Additionally, it starts getting into more of Rainbow's thoughts and starts directing the focus of this story onto Rainbow, rather than Twilight.
"Cuddling with Twilight is awesome..." she trailed off, half smiling. Part of her inwardly cringed at the admission, but another part was proud of it. It left her feeling torn and unsure. As the seconds passed, her unease grew.
Modify this slightly and you have a brony right here. "My Little Pony is awesome..." Or at least FiM is. Also, this part shows that Rainbow is still unsure about the whole thing. She hasn't entirely accepted it or come to a complete realization about it yet. It takes Critical Mass for that to happen... more or less.
Twilight slowly looked down at the floor. "I... want to return the favor, though." She swallowed and turned to face Rainbow. "Please?" she asked softly, smiling gently.
Rainbow opened her mouth to say no but found herself unable to. The way Twilight looked at her with soft, pleading eyes, and her small smile was too much for her. She slowly closed her mouth and sighed. "Fine, I'll let you brush my mane..." she relented. Twilight lit up and smiled brightly. "But don't tell anypony, okay? I don't want anypony finding out about that!" Rainbow swiftly added, looking at Twilight firmly.
Whether Twilight knows/realizes this or not, she can be quite manipulative. My headcanon is that Twilight could easily take over Equestria, dethrone the princesses, and pretty much win... not necessarily because she can overpower them, but because she is arguably a mastermind. Think about it. She talked Starlight Glimmer down. If this show had been something else, Twilight could have easily killed Starlight in her emotionally vulnerable state. Twilight has potential that scares me. Twilight is smart, Twilight's "mastery" of friendship (hence her title as the Princess of Friendship) means that she can probably exploit that and use it to her advantage, whether that is directly manipulating ponies, or lulling ponies or other creatures into letting their guard down and then attacking. I see a lot of potential in her.
Twilight brushing Rainbow's mane... it's just cute, or at least I think it is.
This is my first rereading of Critical Mass. That is to say, I've only read this when I was writing it before.
Twilight pouted at her, slumping down slightly and puffing out her [quivering] lower lip. "Please? You do so much for me and you never let me return the favors!"
Twilight, you're being way too clingy here. Seriously, it looks that way even to me on rereading it. I don't really like this part, to be honest. She's being a bit too demanding here. It just feels wrong. How fortunate that they can forget all about that in the next story, or at least most of it. And how fortunate that Twilight's horn will grow back and thus she won't feel so indebted...
And from here on, this is what I've actually commented on today (2/11/18).
A quick knock on the door, followed closely behind by the sound of the door opening, then closing, broke Princess Celestia's focus. Without even checking, she knew without a doubt who had entered her chambers, and it brought a smile to her lips. "Any progress on capturing Chrysalis?" she asked as her younger sister strode into the room with a smile. Princess Luna slowed her pace and her smile faltered. Celestia frowned and looked away from a very uninteresting bureaucratic document to look at Luna. "Something wrong, Luna?"
Luna opened her mouth partially, then closed it and shook her head. "No, sister," she answered. She paused, then shook her head again and made her way over to the desk at which Celestia sat. "I'm afraid we have no good news about her capture. King Thorax's brood is hunting her down, and we have her cornered, but she has proven..." she squinted, "most elusive," she said, her frown growing. "The Royal Guard and the changelings are working together quite well. In all honesty, sister, I did not expect their efforts to be as coordinated as they are."
Firstly, "King Thorax's brood." There's just a nice appeal to that. Part of it may be because I've played Starcraft and Starcraft 2, so the Zerg and the different broods. Even though I mained Protoss. Secondly, the royal guards and changelings working together well. I don't remember in the slightest my idea/encouragement behind that. I don't even remember when this was written in regards to whenever it was that Thorax became king, but it was sometime close to then, so it affected it a bit. Obviously, the series doesn't follow all canon and such. Although I am considering having this series's version of the movie, but I'm not sold on that for a couple reasons. I might like to have Tempest in this series.
I'd also like to write a Tempestligth story, but nooo, of course, I don't have any good ideas for a oneshot or longfic about that. Sigh... I really thought the movie would give me more ideas, but all the ones revolve around Twilight's failure in regards to her friends or the Storm King winning.
Luna pursed her lips. "It is... not a complete loss. Twilight does seem to be improving. I will admit I have not been able to spend as much time with her as I would like to, even during her dreams, but from what I have seen, she is doing better. She is still struggling, but... that is to be expected."
Once again, there's no magic fix. The next story in this series will help with it a bit, but I think Twilight's going to be struggling with depression even after she "completely" recovers. Honestly, I don't want her to just magically get better and then be okay. That would really detract from the entire series...
"That would be welcome, Twilight. Please, do come in," Celestia said in her warm, motherly voice. She and Luna stepped away from the doorway, granting the two access. Both of them walked into the room and Luna closed the door behind them. Rainbow scooted a little closer to Twilight and looked over the room, her expression uncertain. Celestia turned to Rainbow. "I do believe this is the first time you have been in my personal chambers, Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow's gaze shot to her and she quickly nodded her head. "Uh, y-yeah. I've never been in here before, Princess. It's um... nice?"
Celestia giggled a little at the pegasus's unease. "It's alright, Rainbow. We are friends here, you do not need to refer to me as Princess."
Rainbow smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of her mane with a hoof. She laughed awkwardly. "Sorry, um... Celestia..." she trailed off uncertainly about using the alicorn's name without her title. She looked at Twilight with uncertainty, and Twilight flashed her a small, reassuring smile.
I really like this for some reason. It's just really slice of lifey and pleasant.
Princess Celestia smiled, then turned to Twilight. "One of these days, you may very well be a princess yourself, Rainbow..." she said lightly. Twilight's smile disappeared and she glanced at Rainbow. Twilight swallowed a lump in her throat, then looked straight ahead and shifted her weight before stiffening up. "Tea?" Celestia asked without missing a beat.
This is important. Soon.
"Tea would be nice," Luna commented. "I shall postpone my other appointments, they can wait. We don't do things like this often enough," she said with a warm smile.
Celestia nodded in agreement. "And it has only gotten worse with time," she mused. She shook her head sadly, then teleported a teapot and four teacups into the air around her. She eyed the steaming teapot joyously and quickly poured out tea into the four cups, then distributed them among the ponies. Rainbow and Twilight took their cups and stood there awkwardly. "Make yourselves at home," she said warmly. "I know that I don't have a lot of comforts here, but I make do." The pair tentatively sat down on their haunches on the floor. After a few seconds, she and Luna also joined them, sitting down on their haunches.
Never before I became a brony did I think I would say, "I want an episode with Twilight and Celestia just sitting down and having tea and talking." Not once did I imagine I'd say or think something like that, especially not as strongly as I want it. Please make this happen Hasbro!
Rainbow squinted, then eyed her own cup of tea. She hesitantly brought it to her lips and took a drink. She mulled over the taste as the warm liquid caressed her tongue, then swallowed. "Eh, it's not bad I guess."
"Not really a tea pony?" Luna asked.
Rainbow shook her head. "Not really. Never really appealed to me..." she trailed off.
Celestia shrugged. "I'm sure that there are teas you would enjoy, it is just a matter of finding them." She delicately lifted her cup to her lips and took a small, graceful sip. She turned to Twilight. "Is everything okay?"
I remember considering using an idea of Rainbow saying something along the lines or not liking tea because she thought it was soemthing high-class prissy ponies did, then realize she's with three princesses having tea when she says that. Celestia's response was to giggle a little. I actually might still have that scene written down somewhere...
Rainbow squinted at her and tightened her wing around Twilight. Twilight perked up a little and glanced at her before swallowing. "Hey, I already told you a bazillion times, I'm not going to leave you!" Rainbow paused, eyes widening slightly. "N-not that I want to tell the rest of the girls yet..."
Twilight tentatively looked away from her and nodded slowly. "Yes," she agreed. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, then calmly exhaled. As she exhaled, she leaned further against Rainbow, letting the pegasus take her weight and keep her propped up, drawing a stray glance and small smile from her friend.
I'll have to reread this story before I remember if the rest of the girls know that Twilight and Rainbow together. Just going from what I remember right now, It's kind of an open secret.
And then we get to Twilight's parents showing up. In hindsight, they should have been present, even if only temporarily, in Reaction. Unfortunately, that thought never once crossed my mind in the slightest. And I wasn't about to have them canonically be dead, although I had considered it. I didn't like that idea. Rainbow's mom was already dead...
This is a happy scene. It's more or less a family reunion.
Celestia's smile wavered. "I do hope that your trip to Saddle Arabia was not ruined by... news of..." she trailed off, not wanting to mention the subject of so much pain as of late.
Twilight nodded her head and looked at them. "Y-yeah, how... was your trip?" she asked hesitantly.
Both unicorns grimaced. "If we had known that..." Night Light trailed off, closing his eyes and shaking his head. He swallowed. "Your mother was right, we should never have left..."
This was written before Twilight's parents had canon personalities, I think. Now I just need to continue to read to remember what personalities I gave them. I tried to make them realistic, if I remember correctly, and make it seem logical for Twilight to be their daughter (their personalities making sense and such).
And now I really don't feel like rereading this part. The whole sappy crying family moment thing isn't too appealing to me. I'm not much for family. This scene is boring now. It feels a little forced too.
Celestia shook her head and smiled warmly. "I insist, it's the least I can do for you," she said encouragingly. "Please," she added.
I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "Yes, it is literally the absolute least thing she can possibly do for you," in regards to this part.
Twilight Velvet giggled warmly. "Well, it only took a decade, but you're finally asking to have a friend over!" She smiled and shook her head. "Of course, dear, just ask your father."
Oh man, I forgot about that. I absolutely loved that part. Rereading that made me laugh and smile. It's just so perfect.
Twilight blushed and looked down at the floor. She shifted her weight and fluffed her wings a little. "I lived in the castle..." she muttered under her breath, "so no, I was hardly ever over to have friends over..."
This is kind of sad if you think about it. And now I feel like I need to check back in Reaction to make sure that this is in line with what she said there.
Twilight smiled as she pushed the door open into her old bedroom. The wooden door hardly made a sound and the brown-painted walls had a texture to them reminiscent of wood. The plush, carpeted floor greeted her hooves in a fluffy embrace as she stepped inside. She let her eyes wonder over every wall and every surface. Memories of her foalhood brought gentle smiles or slight giggles to her. Her eyes trailed over the room, then settled on a desk looking out the lone, circular window. Her smile widened as she set her gaze on the bookshelf beside it. Unlike the tower she lived in while under Celestia's tutelage, her bedroom felt warm and inviting, it felt homely. She welcomed the feelings and trotted inside.
I struggled a lot with describing Twilight's room. Seriously, this was incredibly hard to write. I pictured the room we were shown in Twilight's flashback, but still. I feel inadequate when it comes to describing rooms. I'm good at telling stories, or at least I think so, but I'm not that great when it comes to the description and such. Lately, I've been trying to improve on variety and such to make my work interesting and not repetitive, since I suffer from way too much repetition in my writing. My stories are good but I feel like they're written poorly, but I think I've been getting better, or at least I hope I have been.
Rainbow lingered in the doorway, ruffling her wings in self-consciousness. She wasn't sure what she had expected of Twilight's bedroom, but she half expected it to be lined with bookshelves. Much to her pleasure, she was wrong, there was only a single bookshelf, and it didn't even dominate the room. She could already guess that the books were books on magic, just judging from a few dry titles she could make out. Another thing that hit her was the lack of anything that seemed like it belonged to a foal. She turned her gaze back to Twilight, the alicorn smiled as she looked straight out the window, gazing out into the afternoon day. Twilight took a deep breath, then sighed.
Rainbow turned her attention away from Twilight to further study the room. The light lavender carpet somehow made sense, even if she didn't think it went well with the brownish walls. There were two neat stacks of paper on the lone desk, along with an inkwell and a white feather quill. The chair was large enough for Twilight to sit in even now, leaving her wondering what she would have looked like sitting at that desk as a filly. Unsurprisingly, she found the bed to be rather small. She tilted her head, thinking about it.'We could probably both fit on there, couldn't we?'She shook the thought aside. The room was sparsely decorated, aside from the bookshelf, desk, and bed, the only other objects inside the room of interest was a small chest against the far wall and Twilight herself.
I am not an artist, nor an interior decorator. "Another thing that hit her was the lack of anything that seemed like it belonged to a foal." I feel like that adds a bit to the story.
Twilight slowly shook her head. "Just... thinking..." She swallowed and licked her lips. Rainbow tilted her head and reaffirmed her grip on Twilight with her wing, pulling her a little closer to her for a couple seconds, then letting up, though keeping her wing firmly planted around her friend. Twilight glanced at Rainbow and flashed her a small, half-smile, half-grimace. "I..." she trailed off, turning away from Rainbow and fidgeting on her hooves. After a few seconds, her fidgeting ceased, and she stood completely still, then started to shiver. "We used to be so close, but... we drifted, just..." she trailed off, closing her eyes. "Just... like... what's happening to... all of us..." she pressed her eyes closed and leaned her head over against Rainbow, pressing into her body in an attempt to alleviate her pain. While it helped some, her thoughts refused to be denied. "We... had... drifted, and... I-I wasn't... I... thought that... I was going... to die..." she said at length, trailing off. "I... knew." She took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled a shuddering breath. Rainbow stood silently beside Twilight, tightening her embrace ever so little, reassuring her distressed friend. "An-and... I-I wasn't... going to see m-my parents... again... w-we drifted! It's... just like what's happening with the girls!" Twilight fell onto her haunches, closed her eyes and clenched her jaw as her body started shuddering.
That is a wall of text. I don't think I realized how much of a wall of text that is. Poor Twilight... I feel bad for her.
I suppose it's a recurring theme that Twilight's worried about them all drifting apart...
Twilight's expression fell further, her lips contorting into a frown, and her brow creasing. "They're s-so busy, though... a-and I can't just... ask them to put what they're doing on hold to spend time with me... it's not fair to them, a-and th-they have their own lives to l-live... I-I'm just... b-being selfish..." She clenched her eyes shut and pulled herself further into Rainbow's chest.
"Twilight..." Rainbow trailed off hesitantly. "If... it really bothers you that much, then... youneedto talk to them and tell them. They will understand." She squeezed the mare in a gentle, reassuring manner.
Twilight's lips twitched upward into a smile, then fell back down into a pained frown. "W-we used to be s-so close..." she whispered.
Not going to lie, I feel like this has happened with the show. After season 4, I guess, it just feels like they're not as close as they used to be. They're all quite busy it seems. Take Applejack's Day Off for example, and of course Rainbow's now a Wonderbolt, and Twilight's a princess, and Rarity's a thriving businesspony. It just feels like they don't have as much time to spend together anymore and it makes me feel disappointed.
Rainbow shifted her weight and slowly exhaled. She squinted at the wall for a second, then grimaced and looked back down at Twilight. "Is... this... bothering you... so much, because... you might outlive all of us?" she asked at length. Twilight remained silent, not answering her, but while she said nothing, her muscles tensed. Rainbow sighed and laid her head down atop Twilight's head, then slid her hooves over Twilight's withers, calming Twilight's body slightly with each stroke. "You... need to stop worrying about that..." she said tentatively.
Twilight hesitantly nodded, rubbing her forehead against Rainbow in the process. "I-I know," she admitted, stuttering. "I just... I-I can't... you girls... you made me w-who I am..." She swallowed, then opened her eyes. She took a deep, shuddering breath, then slowly exhaled. She stayed still, holding onto Rainbow for several seconds in silence while calming down. She hesitantly pulled her forelegs away from Rainbow and set them on the carpet, then she brought her head back up away from Rainbow. She glanced at Rainbow, then bit her lip, hung her head, and turned away from her.
Another recurring theme... I wonder how many times I've said this is important by now.
Rainbow peeked inside the study and squinted, seeing the bookshelves dominating every side of the room, except for the wall with a window, which had a large desk. She cautiously turned back to Twilight. "You sure this isn't your room?" she asked, cracking a smile.
Hahahahaha! Laugh! It's funny.
Twilight pursed her lips. "I... don't know," she answered cautiously. She looked up from Rainbow, frowning. "I... can ask them, just to be sure, but... I don't think they will since it helps me sleep better." She looked back down at Rainbow, her frown fading to a neutral line. "My old bed is a little small, but we can make it work. I don't have a problem laying on top of you, or... if you want, you could lay on me."
Because sleeping together is taken as the innocent way in this universe. This isn't the first time I've stated or reaffirmed this. Seriously, I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to deal with that. Despite the section of this commentary which makes me scream internally. Or actually, that may be a perfect example.
Twilight and Rainbow both perked up, the former sitting up straighter, and the latter fluttering her wings as she hopped off the couch. Twilight stretched a bit, then jumped off and stood beside Rainbow. She smiled and walked on passed Rainbow toward the dining room. Rainbow hesitated for a second, then followed Twilight on into the dining room. Twilight paused, then closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Her mouth watered as the delicious scent of cooked vegetables wafted through the air and filled her nostrils. She smiled, then opened her eyes. "It smells great, mom."
"Her mouth watered as the delicious scent of cooked vegetables wafted through the air and filled her nostrils." >Author's desperate gagging intensifies. I am not a vegetable person. I'm a picky eater.
"I... can come back up here in a few weeks, or a month or two..." Twilight offered. "I can bring Spike back with me... and Rainbow said she would come too."
I completely forgot about this until rereading this chapter. I have no plans for this to actually get written, but it could happen in the background. Alternatively, of course, I can have it sort of happen in the next story. It could work well together, given my current plans.
Night Light sighed and half smiled. "I just wish we could see our grandfoal more often." He smiled wider and turned to Twilight. Twilight's lips fell into a straight line and she shifted her weight. "So, when are you going to give us some grandfoals? We're not getting any younger, you know!"
Twilight blushed, then buried her head in her hooves, stuttering out something incoherent, her brain tripping over her mouth. "Dad!" she finally managed to shout through her embarrassment.
Rainbow shifted her weight and ruffled her wings slightly, then hastily looked away from both ponies and surveyed the rather barren marble walls searching for anything interesting she hadn't noticed before.
>Author grins like mad. I'm not a family person, yet I still absolutely love this. Did I mention this was important? This is important. Poor Twilight, getting embarrassed like that in front of her mate.
"You already have a grandfoal!" Twilight said in a defensive tone, ruffling her wings and shifting her weight, still refusing to remove her hooves from her face. "You don't... need me for that," she quipped.
"But we don't see her often enough, dear," Velvet replied with a smile. "And you're much closer, which means we'd be able to see your foals more often!" she said encouragingly.
Fortunately, I don't have to deal with this with my parents.
Twilight slumped forward a little and swallowed. She pressed her eyes closed and took a deep breath. "Can... we not talk about this, please?"
"Dear," Velvet started softly, "We don't mean to embarrass you in front of your friend..." she trailed off, smiling apologetically.
"I... I know, but..." Twilight trailed off, sighing. "It's... it's... too soon... It... it doesn't matter..." she trailed off, growing despondent. She hesitantly sat up again and removed her hooves from her face, though still stared down at her empty plate with an equally empty gaze.
This is important. How many times have I said this by now? I'm still dying to talk about this... So many hints... I wonder if you've deciphered them yet.
I wonder if any of you even care at this point. Are you even still reading this at this point? If you are, then I guess I'll reward you with a spoiler. Twilight can't have foals. Radiation and all that. She's sterile/infertile/barren. Magic cannot and will not fix that. There, I finally said one of the greatest secrets there are in this series. I feel a little better now. This will be an upcoming plot point, either in the next story or the one immediately following it. Twilight and Rainbow are going to have a little talk about it, and of course, it hurts Twilight. That should be obvious... But of course, there are still possible alternatives or solutions to this problem. I've had one solution in mind since the end of Reaction. It's actually the alternate idea for Critical Mass.
Twilight clenched her eyes closed and turned away from her. "M-mom! It's... t-too soon for that! We've..." she trailed off, opening her eyes and turning around to face her friend. "We've not... been together that long..." She grimaced and ruffled her wings, then turned back to her mom. "Can we...please... not talk about this?" she implored.
Velvet sighed and relented. "Okay..." She flashed another warm smile. "Oh, my filly finally found somepony!" she squeed, then hugged Twilight again. Twilight hesitantly returned the hug. After a few seconds, they parted, both of them smiling.
Once again, I'm grinning at this. I think I enjoy torturing Twilight. Wait, I think we already established that in stone by the end of Critical Mass...
Rainbow leaned forward, then unfurled her wing and slid it back behind Twilight's back, then wrapped it around her side and pulled Twilight against her side. Twilight's gaze drifted over to Rainbow and she smiled gently.
Night Light tilted his head and absently looked over the two mares on the couch. "You know, even back before the three tribes united, a pegasus wrapping a wing around another pegasus was symbolic, offering and promising protection to the pony under their wing..." he said in an absent, lecturing voice. He blinked a couple times, then shook his head and took a deep breath. He smiled. "So, I do hope you plan on keeping that promise, Rainbow Dash."
Twilight's dad is a bit of a professor. I like this part. I think I say that too much.
Rainbow squinted at her, then pulled away from the door. She flew over to Twilight, then landed. Twilight sighed and hung her head, then sat down on her haunches. Rainbow frowned. "You doing okay?"
Twilight groaned. "No... my parents... I... I can't believe them..."
Rainbow's frown deepened. She stepped closer to Twilight and sat down beside her, then lifted her forehoof up and brought it through Twilight's mane. "What?" she asked gently. Twilight calmly, yet heavily exhaled and shied away from Rainbow. Rainbow looked at her in disbelief, then slowly lowered her forehoof back to the floor. She unfurled her wing, then draped it around Twilight's back and pulled her against her body. "Come on, Twi, what's wrong?"
Twilight opened her mouth then closed it. She tensed up a little and pursed her lips, then swallowed. "My parents... want me to have foals," she answered, then clenched her eyes shut and swallowed.
Full disclosure; when first writing this, I was so close to having Twilight tell Rainbow about her issue here. I think I wrote a couple versions of the scene where she did talk about that issue. But I delayed it. Twilight doesn't want to talk about it, she's not ready, plus she recognizes that it's way too soon to mention anything like that to Rainbow, and she doesn't want to weird her out or anything.
More internal screaming part: Twilight would like to have a foal, but I still want to reinforce that Twilight's not interested in sex. She's not with Rainbow for that reason. The best way to explain it is that she wants to be close to Rainbow, to be her best friend, and vice versa. She values Rainbow as a pony and wants to be with her to be with her, rather than other things.
Rainbow shifted her weight and bit her lip.'What... am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to handle this? This is... ugh...'She suppressed a groan and ruffled her wings. "You uh... Should... we talk... about that?" she asked hesitantly, her lips twisting into a grimace while her brow creased.
Twilight's muscles tensed up further. "I'd rather not," she hastily replied. "It's too soon, we've not been together that long and," her voice grew heavy, "and it doesn't matter."
Rainbow swallowed and looked away from her friend. "Do uh... did you... want to have foals?" she asked at length, avoiding eye contact with Twilight and leaning away from her slightly.
Twilight stared blankly at the wall for several seconds, her lips pulling downward. She blinked, then shook her head. "It... doesn't matter. It's not important. It's too soon," she said with a hint of finality.
Rainbow laughed nervously and pulled a forehoof back to her mane, then slowly rustled it. "W-well, yeah, but I just... if... I just think it's... something that... we should talk about if it's bothering you..."
Twilight tilted her head away from Rainbow. "Can we please not do this? It's... I'm not comfortable with this," she said quietly.
Basically reiterates the part I said before my internal screaming.
Twilight looked away from her and quickly shook her head and stood up. She shifted her weight on her hooves. "Thank you," she said softly, then looked down at the floor. "It's..." she trailed off and bit her lip, then closed her eyes. "It's just bothering me because they brought that up in front of you," she hastily lied.
The lie is that "the only reason" is because they brought it up in front of Rainbow. That bothers her, but nowhere near as much as the other issue.
I really forgot how much this chapter hinted at and touched on that issue.
Cuddles. The bed is small simply becasue it was Twilight's bed as a foal. Totally not because I wanted it to be small for even closer cuddles.
Ahahaha, the Author's notes... want to see a break down of it?
Well, here we go again! I hope you're all ready and prepared for this, fastened your chairbelts, kleenexes at the ready, heart and diabetes medicine along with gallons of water close at hand, several weapons of mass destruction on standby, and a time machine.
Summarizes the plot, expected reactions, and just how long the story is, and how long it'd take to write. This is also a bit of a reference to the movie Spaceballs.
I distinctly remember telling myself that I wasn't going to continue making 15,000 word long chapters... and yet, here we are with a chapter that's 16,000 words long. It was necessary, however, and it's a sacrifice I am willing to make! I don't know how long this story's going to be, nor how many chapters, nor how long each chapter will be. My tentative plan is to try to get chapters out biweekly as with Reaction, however, I'm taking college classes over the summer, and due to the compressed timespan of the summer semester, I cannot guarantee that I will be successful at upholding that update schedule.
I distinctly remember wanting to start the next story back in January, but that didn't happen. Also has it really been that long since I've wrote Critical Mass? It really doesn't feel that way.
Only slightly related, I feel like I keep forgetting about stories I've written. It's really weird... Additionally, I sometimes have a dream/nightmare about writing fanfiction but being unable to finish it. What does that say about me?
A happy family reunion! I bet none of you saw that coming, did you? The funny thing is the one paragraph from Celestia's PoV with the description of how it felt can have at least two interpretations. One of them is correct, and the only is weird/fridge horror. Right now, I can't remember the second interpretation, but it was darker than the intended interpretation.
The correct interpretation was that it was touching. The wrong interpretation, I remembered, then forgot once again. Perhaps this is information which is never meant to be...
There is a deleted scene which could be fun to share sometime. It was an alternate take of the dinner scene, set toward the end. Night Light commented about "O and O." Immediately following that, Night Light and Rainbow bond quite well. It was funny, but it didn't really fit the story.
I shared that deleted scene in a blog post a while back, I think.
Now, some of you will probably be surprised that this is taking place so soon after Reaction. There is a reason for this, and it is necessary for a timely execution of this plot. Some things just wouldn't work if this was skipped ahead a few months or something, or at least I don't think it would.
The next story in this series takes place pretty soon after Critical Mass, too. It's long enough into the future that Twilight's side is healed (so that she doesn't have a gash/wound, but it hasn't regrown... If you've read Critical Mass, then you know what I'm refering to. If you haven't, why are you even here?).
And that, dear readers, is Author's Commentary. Critical Mass. Chapter 1. Finally done.
This was a challenging commentary to give. Mostly because, apparently, this chapter is a bit more mature than I'm used to. Or at least the commentary is. Or perhaps it's just that I feel the need to point out specific things. Perhaps I shouldn't have drawn attention to them at all... I really did consider censoring this commentary. I had actually planned to, but I just never got around to it, and then I decided I wouldn't...
Now, as an additional reward for you if you've stuck around through this whole commentary... or if you've just skipped to the end to see if I had any updates...
The next story in the series is tentatively named "Radiant." I have the story created, but I basically have no progress into it. I have a general plan for it ready, but it still lacks details. It's going to be short compared to Reaction and Critical Mass. I'm thinking it may be 3 chapters long, with each chapter being aroudn 15,000 words in length. That may not work out, however, because it might work out better to break the chapters down into smaller chapters. And I could be completely wrong on the length. I could be overestimating it. It's more or less set in stone that it will take place in the Crystal Empire. Unfortunately, it might be a very long time until I get around to working on it. I don't like that. We'll just have to see. Feel free to bother me about it, that might help me get started on writing it.
Please comment below. Ask questions, point out things you might have noticed, etc. Really, I like comments. Don't be afraid to comment. If there's anything I've said here that you would like a better explanation for, ask and I'll try to provide one. An exception might be spoilers.
I hope you've all enjoyed this iteration of the Author's Commentary series. Maybe at this rate it'll actually get finished. Stay tuned for another Commentary, maybe.
For some people you could probably keep it the same...
That got very dark, very quickly...
Well before I became a brony I'd never thought I'd even watch my little pony, so you've got a head start on me there.
Twilight can't have... that's so sad
Ok
WRITE THE NEXT STORY DAMMIT
What do you mean "maybe" *narrows eyes suspiciously*
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There was something particular in mind I was thinking in regards to the "Cuddling with Twilight..." comment, but now I don't remember what it was. It might have been replacing "Twilight" with "best pony" or removing the internal cringing part. Or maybe I didn't quote the right section...
Prior to watching the MLP versus Minecraft song battle video which got me interested in the show, I wouldn't have watched MLP either. But then I kind of sort of just knew I'd love the show if I gave it a shot...
Just wait... I have plans...
That's the spirit!
I'll try to find/make time to work on it, even if it's only for a couple of paragraphs, this week.
These things take time... I do of course plan to continue this, the maybe is just in regards to when the next one comes out (I don't know how much time will elapse before that happens).
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The way I got into watching mlp was very different. Originally I hated the show, but not because of bronies, but because my brother liked it. Seriously that was the only reason I didn't like it. Me and my brother basically annoy each other non stop all day everyday, and what he likes I generally don't like just because he likes it. And vice versa.
One day I was bored and wanted something to do, however I didn't have a smartphone at the time so that wasn't an option, my mum was using the computer so that was an option and my brother was watching TV. And what was he watching... my little pony.
I had nothing else to do so I begged him to change the channel but he said no, so I had no choice but to watch with him or go bored out of my mind. And I chose to watch.
The next day my mum was using the computer again but the TV was free so I chose to watch that. However there was nothing good on. But there was my little pony (I mean I know it's good now, but I didn't have that opinion at the time). So I basically went screw it and started watching.
After an episode or two I begrudgingly admitted to my self that it wasn't actually so bad. And the next day I watched some more, and the day after even more. So that by the end of the week I was addicted.
Seriously, I went from hating it to loving it in a week.
Soon after I started going on YouTube and started watching videos on mlp there, reviews of episodes, animations etc.
However it did take a few months before I started reading fanfiction since, at the time, I really hated reading, and English in general. Also my reading speed when I started was pretty bad, I didn't realise how slow a reader I was till I I found out I only read at 10,000 words an hour. Now I read at like 25,000 words an hour which is pretty damn fast. So big improvement there. Also 25,000 is my average speed. Give me a high intensity action scene or something and that'll go even higher. Though if I read a sad story it goes slower. Then again I guess that's the case for everyone.
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Well, that's an interesting story...
I should do a blog post specifically dedicated to this sometime. It could be fun to share and see others' stories.
Additionally, I almost made the mistake of watching not G4 because of how the first episode opened. "Okay... am I missing something? Is this a continuation of something before it?"
I'm very glad I didn't make that mistake.