Chlorine and Ladybug Kisses · 5:51pm Oct 12th, 2017
This just happened. This is real, I'm not kidding, this is an actual true story. This has changed me.
Today I woke up to my neighbor gently jacking off his dog.
I just took a nap in my new house for the first time, and my neighbor was gently jacking off his dog under my window. I got out of bed, stretched my arms, and looked at the city of Barcelona with a big smile on my face, and my neighbor was gently jacking off his dog under my window.
Afternoon sunlight was bathing the scene with dreamlike glow. My neighbor is a man of forty years, with salt-and-pepper hair. His face is stern, his eyes are dark.
He was gently jacking off his dog under my window.
He was kneeling behind the white dog—a shiba inu, or some sort of bastardized mix—holding it, making sure it didn’t run away. There was care in his gesture, but also efficiency—it wasn’t the first time he’d done this. He wasn’t thrusting. His right hand travelled up and down, in circular motion, fast but not rough, professional but delicate.
He didn’t want to be there. The dog didn’t want to be there either. And I certainly didn’t fucking want to be there looking, but this is where life has brought us and such is the way things go sometimes.
The dog was looking into the horizon, with that absent look animals have, one I could have sworn showed a shade of determination. The man’s face only showed disgust, but his hand never stopped, the circular motion never came to an end.
The other hand—the left—was holding the dog, but also exploring new territory, going where no sane man has been before. His thumb was touching, caressing, massaging.
His thumb was pretty fucking clearly stuck inside the dog’s butthole.
And all the while.
He kept jacking off that dog under my window.
While I looked, eyes wide.
How long did it last? What is the average time it takes for a dog to reach climax? I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to know. A breath, the beating of your heart, a blink, and the deed was done.
I would say it felt like a century.
I would also say it felt like a mere second.
When the journey ends, the sailor goes home. The man pulls back his hand—the tool of his craft, his gift from the gods—and his left thumb goes outside, as if it’d never been in. The dog shakes its head, relief reflected in his canine eyes.
It crouches, and takes a shit.
The man, content, produces a plastic bag and picks it up. He ties it close and holds it away from his body.
They both walk away. Man and dog, never looking back, never acknowledging each other. This is the end of their tale.
I’m left alone with my thoughts, abandoned at the other side of the window. I saw something I shouldn’t have. I invaded someone’s privacy.
And yet, I’m sure—if they had known I was there, they wouldn’t have minded. They’re sailors. They only care about the sea. And the dog’s penis. And the man’s thumb.
The man’s thumb. God, the man’s thumb.
Yesterday, I went to sleep a boy. Today, I wake up a man. I picked up my phone and made a call. My father answered.
“Dad?” I said.
“Son?”
“I don’t want to live here anymore.”
WHAT THE HELL?!
...
Welcome to Night Vale?
...Everything alright, Aragon?
4695732
4695733
4695734
Please someone tell me there's a rational explanation to what I just saw and I don’t simply live next door to a serial killer. PLEASE.
4695738
WAIT THIS IS REAL?! THIS SHIT REALLY HAPPENED?!
You, my dear sire,....
Need a fucking drink.
Get drunk enough. Make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
Should get the memories out.
Also fuck you, WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS NOW!?
You live the most strange life.
I think it says a lot that... I cannot think of a relevant Mountain Goats song for this scene.
4695739
DO YOU THINK I WOULD MAKE THIS KIND OF SHIT UP. THERE'S A DISCLAIMER AT THE START OF THE BLOG FOR A REASON. THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
4695743
"I'm gonna stick you in the eye
with a foreign object."
it was all elaborate performance art. you didn't see the cameras trained on you. itll be on TV next week
I mean...
...that happened?
Yeah i got nothing.
~Skeeter The Lurker
4695744
GET YOUR SHIT AND GET OUT.
...What the hell's going on in Spain? Something in the water?
There's a fascinating conversation to be had here. One beginning with "'Sup, neighbour? Couldn't help but notice all that dog-wanking the other day." Or the most tactfully-phrased variant thereof. However you tactfully phrase that.
I know they say misery loves company, but isn't this a bit much? We already have to read your stories.
Aragon, you live an interesting life.
4695752
"I believe you meant to say 'dog walking'"
"Oh no, I very much meant wanking."
I mean, sometimes life lines up in a way that you have to jack off a dog. And some student that just moved in next door starts watching you.
You don’t know, but you’re pretty sure he’s into it because he won’t look away.
He’s probably some kind of pervert that thinks that sort of thing is hot.
And you’re sitting there jacking off a dog with your thumb up its butt.
It could be the dog has some sort of problem pooping. Believe it or not, all the nerves down there are sort of meshed together. The same muscles that contract to expel semen are also involved in defecating. I'm using big words to make this sound less weird. It isn't working. The fact that he's got his thumb in there makes me wonder if the dog has some sort of nerve damage in its backside that causes difficulty for it.
The only reason I know all this is because my cat, who thought she could fly, was in danger of something similar immediately after her accident. The vet said she had luxated her pelvis and had potentially damaged the sacral plexus, which would have left her unable to piss or poop, and which would have required us to "express" her bladder - in other words, to squeeze her until the pee came out. Yanked tails are a common cause of nerve damage in the back end as well. In circumstances like that, it's common for the pet to be put to sleep because their quality of life would be basically non-existent.
The description makes me wonder, then, if the man has resorted to this because he hasn't got much choice if he wants to keep his dog alive.
Either that or he's a coprozoophile.
4695762
"I don't have to take any more of this borderline libellous conversation, young man. I'm going to clear my head and go for a walk."
"..."
4695766
This is a relatively-nice explanation, and preferable to most of the alternatives. Might just be a man doing his best for his dog, regardless of the loss of dignity entailed.
Actually, hang on, did the man himself have an erection at the time? Was this something in a position to be observed at all? It could help discriminate between the possibilities, see.
He was probably doing it to get the dog to take a crap, I'd guess. People in other countries are strange.
4695777
Not that there's anything wrong with masturbating dogs, by the way. I just doubt he was doing it for pleasure given the description.
Just when I think I've hit the upper limit of "what the fuckery" that comes from you, you find a way to not only raise the bar, but do so in a way that seriously has me contemplating life.
Man's best friend with benefits.
I'm scared.
If you were here in Canada, it probably would've been a polar bear.
4695822 The problem being one bear tells another bear, and before you know it, the whole yard is full.
4695766 To save my sanity, I'm going to presume this is the answer.
Dogs can have really odd ailments that require similarly odd treatment. Admittedly, this is probably not one of them as far as I know, but dogs with anal sac problems can get... Let's just say if our dog has this issue, he's getting a quick trip to the vet and I'll lie to the wife. "The vet said there was nothing that could be done. We had to put him down."
Hey, we both grew up on farms.
I've lived in Spain for a good few years now and never have I seen this kind of shit. The weirdest thing that's happened to me was my sibling's turtle ran away. You read that right.
4695799
DAMNIT you took my comment.
So, like, is chlorine and ladybug kisses how you dealt with this newfound burden upon your every waking moment or what? Because I think I'd need some stronger stuff to remove that image from my retinas and nightmares. I was eating ice cream when I started reading this blog but now I just feel like staring abjectly into space and contemplating how many goddamn stars aligned on your birthdate to create the critical mass of "what" that is your life.
4695738
Well, i don't know how clearly you saw him jack off the dog, put i suppose it's possible the dog was constipated or had eaten something not made for eating, and the man was just rubbing or pressing on it's stomach. My dog once ate a whole bunch of salt dough, and the vet more or less did that. Jam a finger knuckle-deep into the dog to stretch the sphincter, and stimulate the stomach muscles to make the intestines expel the waste.
Or, maybe he's just into jacking of his dog underneath peoples windows. Idunno.
You should enjoy this feeling as long as possible. I mean, you know the universe is just going to outdo itself for your next mental scarring event. Years down the line you'll be nostalgic for the day when neighbor and dog masturbation was something that bothered your brain.
Sure sounds like someone was getting knotty
I'm thankful it's you and not me that has these experiences, because I don't think I could be half as well adjusted as you've managed to be.
Your life is the reason why "May you live in interesting times" is considered a curse.
4695775
He did say that the man didn't want to be there.
I guess Aragon did check.
wtf?! and he was doing it in the open?!
4695990
Welp. Due credit for diligence on Aragon's part. Credit, and adequately-restorative liquor, if only we knew where in Barcelona the latter needed to be addressed to.
Charmed
Life
...man Aragon, you lead a strange life.
Walking the dog, Wanking the dog, only a letters difference, maybe he got confused?
Ah. Well hello, neighbor.
Did you at least make eye contact?
4695766
A truly valiant effort, sir.
Another lovely day in Catalonia, eh?
It is these such experiences which truly shape an artist.
Another day.
Thanks for the nightmare fuel.
4695738 It could be the dog is constipated, and that's the only way to get him to go.
Karma, however, is what made it happen under your window. You really don't remember all those terrible things you did in your last life, do you?
You have either an incredibly fertile imagination or the most bizarre life I've heard of and, against my will, I'm leaning towards the latter.
i stop paying attention to this site for a few months and this is the first thing i see from you when i get back
christ