Two Background Ponies Quickie: "To Change a Changeling" Aftermath · 11:32pm Sep 5th, 2017
(It took me a couple days to finally think of something for this. Consider that your warning. 
)
As a blue stallion and a green stallion loaded with saddlebags emerged off the trail in the woods into the clearing, they stepped into a sunny sky with birds chirping and a green valley stretching ahead of them.
The green stallion smiled at the sight. "You know, all this fresh air and nice weather is a good change of pace. Taking our cookie outing on a hike was a great idea, Sam. Why don't we do this more often?"
The blue stallion frowned as he halted next to him. "...Because we didn't come here by choice, Carl. You got us kicked out of Sugarcube Corner for that argument about gunpowder again."
"All I'm saying is we already use them in fireworks. How hard could it be to make some cannons and load them on an airship?"
Sam sighed and shook his head. "Let's just find a place to set up. After all that hiking my blood sugar is a little-"
"Intruders!"
Both stallions went rigid, and looked up in alarm. They gasped as they saw a swarm of rainbow-colored Changelings in crude armor with cruel iron weapons hissing and seething at them, being led by two conspicuously large Changelings with horns.
"Invaders!"
"Threats to the hive!"
"Kill them!"
"Dismember them!"
Immediately, they took off with spears aimed for the two of them.
"GAAAH!" Sam screamed in shock and terror.
"The hell?!" Carl exclaimed. "Wait...wait a second!"
The swarm halted mere inches from driving their spears into the now-cowering ponies, although they landed soon after. Sam continued to cringe as Carl nervously looked at them.
"W...Why are you guys trying to kill us? I thought you guys were nice now!"
The bigger horned one blinked a moment, but then spoke more calmly. "Oh, yeah. Well, we were nice, but then we saw that being nice and gentle only leaves you weak to foreign invaders and external threats, so we decided to become warlike savage subcreatures again. Is that all? Because we really need to kill you two now and mount your skulls on poles to ward off future intruders."
"But...but...I thought you all embraced love and friendship!" Sam shouted out. "How is viciously killing us and chopping off our heads sharing love and friendship?"
The Changelings paused at that. They looked to one another for a moment, some of them shrugging and others tapping their chins. Finally, their leader looked back. "Hmm...good point."
Immediately, they all threw away their armor and spears and started smiling, as he held out his hoof? appendage.
"Welcome to the Changeling Kingdom, ponies of Equestria! Please come in and make yourselves at home!"
"I'll be happy to give you a tour of all the ways in and out of our hive, and kindly ask you not to use that information in a planned invasion!" Another one merrily answered.
"And I'll show you the way to our stored foodstuffs, and humbly request you not steal or spoil them as it will lead us all to starvation." Another added. "Incidentally, do either of you know how to make 'royal jelly'? We kind of need it soon..."
"And we also ask that you not kill any of us and sell our iridescent exoskeletons to Pacesia as an aphrodisiac. It turns out those are quite lucrative and in demand..." Another stated nervously. "And if you do, we'll...possibly consider giving you a time out. Maybe. Probably not."
By now, both Sam and Carl had straightened again, but were looking at them in confusion.
"Wait, wait...dude, now that's too peaceful."
"Yeah. Anyone can just walk right up to you and smack you around like that."
The Changelings paused again, once more looking confused. The lead one winced. "You think so? Oh. Well, in that case..." His face turned vicious as he pointed at them again. "Devour them! And regurgitate their remains to use for hive resin!"
The swarm began to hiss and spit as they went for their weapons again. Both stallions went rigid.
"No, no! Too much!" Sam cried as he shied away. Carl went for the nearest rock for a weapon.
In mid-lunge, the Changelings stopped again, easing up once more and becoming timid again. It was too late for Carl, though, who already had thrown his rock. It pasted a Changeling in between the eyes, immediately dropping it. It looked up weakly from the ground. "Eh...thank you sir, may I please have another?"
"Um, Mr. Pony, sir?" Another said. "I have some reservations about you hitting my friends with a rock. Could you please not do that? If...if that's alright with you, of course. Otherwise we may have to stage a sit-in. Maybe. Probably not."
The other Changelings nodded in turn before shaking their heads.
By now, both stallions were staring at them with deadpan looks. Carl facehooved. "Where the heck are the girls? Don't they usually deal with this...?"
Sam exhaled. "Look...you guys are taking things to too much of an extreme."
Several of the Changelings began to frown and grumble at this. The second largest one groaned. "This makes no sense! First they get upset that we're too violent, then they get upset that we're too peaceful! Which is it?!"
The blue stallion blinked. "Well...neither. You can't be violent to the point of being savage monsters and you can't be peaceful to the point of being f-"
"Fluttershy?" Carl asked.
Sam frowned. "I was going to say 'flowers'. You got to have a balance. You can't side with either extreme. You need a mix of the two."
"Oh," The lead one exclaimed, holding his head high and shaking it. "No can do. It's not the way of Changeling society. There are only ever two ways to do things: the right way and the wrong way."
Both stallions quirked an eyebrow. They looked to each other, then looked back. "You mean...like deciding to drive off intruders or welcoming them with open arms?"
"Oh!" He chuckled and waved his thing appendage. "Not that simple! The right way and the wrong way means everything. How you handle foreign visitors, how our economy works, what we eat, what we devote the most time to in the hive, how we care for elderly Changelings, what we think about nature and the environment...all of it falls under a 'way'. You pick a way that covers all of that, and that's the 'right way'. The 'wrong way' is doing the opposite of all of that, and what you do is insist that everyone do everything the right way and insult and curse anyone who does anything the wrong way. You can't do so much as one thing the wrong way does, or that means you have to do everything the wrong way, and everyone who does things the right way makes fun of you and gets angry at you."
The two were more confused than ever. "What."
"It's the one activity we kept from our old queen!" He excitedly went on. "We have a whole section of the hive devoted to it. We have this great big piece of soft resin we use where everyone writes something on it, and as soon as anyone says something that's the wrong way to anyone else, everyone who thinks it's the wrong way immediately writes things that insults them, points out everything wrong with what they're saying, mocks them, says they wish they were dead, threaten to kill them and their loved ones, and so on. This keeps going until everyone gets mad at someone else or the Changeling who wrote the first message kills themselves. She called it...'Social Networking'!"
Carl held up a hoof and opened his mouth, but then slowly lowered it and shut it again.
"Actually...that's pretty much how it works."
(There's a bit of a hidden joke in this one. Did you find it?)
And this is why I don't use Facebook.
It's also a pretty good description of politics.
As for the "hidden" joke, it was in the line: "Where the heck are the girls? Don't they usually deal with this...?"
This was the first episode in the entire series not to feature a single character in the original lineup of the pilot episode.
4660602
woah.