Today's my 25th birthday... yay... · 12:44pm May 19th, 2017
Like the title said, today's my 25th birthday. An entire quarter of century I've been on this world... and what do I have to show for it?
No friends in real life. The few people I see, like friends from highschool or collage, I see only every few months, like twice a year. No job. Been trying to get one for 3 months now, ever since I got back from my internship. No such luck. And no, not just in my "profession", cause as it turns out it's practically impossible to get a job in archaeology in this damned country. I've been trying to get jobs via Employement Office, office jobs, call centers... people don't even f***ing reply. One call center job is supposed to give me a call regarding training for it. Still waiting for the call, second week now. Gonna go through the mall next week, see if any of the shops there need a helper or anything, before summer hits and people still doing college and stuff will start taking those... No drivers' license. Failed the practical exam 8 times. Didn't want to admit in highschool about the number, people there think it was only 4. Much better... been hesitating to try again all those years, I'm practically afraid to do so at this point, afraid I waste tons of money again, afraid I will finally pass and then will eventually cause and accident... but both my mom and my brother keep telling me I should get it, cause it helps a LOT in life, apparently. Will be signing up for a course next week too, probably. (Edit: Actually, no, the driving school I found online is apparently considered expensive, meaning there are cheaper ones. Didn't know. Yep, I'm that dumb). No girlfriend. Ever, really. I tried dating a few times. Either I tried with a girl that wasn't interested in having a boyfriend and just wanted to be friends (yet oddly, we never me since that last "date"), or was stood up or shot right down. Not that either case happened too often. And of course, there was... her.
We met here. I was looking through people who recently favored some of my stories, show her quoting my story on her user page, made a joke about her being a stalker... and we began to talk. Talked through a whole night, then again a few days later, and the next day... at first we'd send message one a day, gradually more often, until we were practically talking via messages... after a year of that, we began talking love. That we cared about each other. We send messages practically non-stop, whenever we weren't away doing other things. We didn't talk through Skype, though, as she had an old laptop (actually mentioned to me a few months before that how her old one broke and she had to buy a cheap old one)... but more about that later. We started talking through Battlenet chat, which made it more "real" for us. She was supposed to come visit me during summer, I was supposed to go on an intership to her city.
She didn't come, cause her sister had an accident. When I arrived, she said she forgot to mention that she and her friends had planned a trip to Japan (would later actually write to me as if she actually were in their timezone). After she came back, for two weeks couldn't meet me cause she was too busy (since she said she was studying medicine, I believed her, I know they are really busy there). I still cling to the hope that we would meet. I was even certain I once saw her while on a bus going to my intern work. Then... nothing. She stopped writing. At first, I though she was just too busy. Then that maybe something was wrong with her phone (cause her old laptop also broke). Then that something had happend to her. After about too weeks, I noticed her account on deviant art (which we were using to communicate by then, we had a fight a few months prior and she removed me from list of friends on Battlenet) had new favorites, so she was alive. Then... she deactivated her account. Her account here on fimfic been showing she was offline for over a month. Her email? Gone, got my emails returned to me. I asked a girl I "befriended" (like I said, no real friends; closer would be say that we were neighbors) that was studying medicine? Said there's no girl named like her there.
It's been months, and I still wonder if she was playing me from beginning and finally got bored, or was she real. I just can't accept that she could make up an entire person and life just to screw with somebody for 2 years. I came up with many different excuses, even for that medicine girl saying there wasn't anybody named like her. Maybe she was a different year, maybe it was different type of studies... But if she was real, that that means either I had finally annoyed her too much and she decided she had enough of me, or something did happen to her. And I honestly don't know which of those three is worse.
I told you how pathetic I am. To have somebody who says that she loves me despite all that... and lose her, or worse, discover that it was all a lie, an illusion...
Oh, here's the cherry on top. For over a year, my family was convinced that she wasn't real, because we talked only via texts and stuff, never Skype or phone. I argued with them everytime. So when I finally did mention that she broke all contact with me, several days later, when I was sure I wouldn't cry (I hate showing emotions like those in front of others, even my family) what do I hear from my mom? Yelling at me that she was right.
I had three more months of my internship to bear through in the city I thought I would finally meet the girl I loved.
Since I came back, well, like I said, can't find job. Show's how fucking useless I am. No wonder she broke contact with me. The fact that even after all that I would love to again be able to just write with her truly shows how pathetic I am.
But you know what makes me feel EVEN worse? The fact that I KNOW there are people who have much worse then me. That I am basically being a whiny bitch about my problems when there are people who have it much, much much worse. And the fact that I now bothering all of you with all of this, like some attention hungry angsty teenager that just discovered twitter.
Sorry, I just wanted to get all of this out somewhere. Supposedly it's healthy. Just made me feel much more like a piece of shit.
Wrote a story for her. The PrismDubz one. Best Friends are Best Couples, and it's continuation with mature content Best Friends are Best Lovers. Posted both over a year ago, but the mature one also contained three more chapters I wrote just for her. She had mentioned once that she won't mind if I post them, though. So, you know, no reasony to keep it just at googledocs until the EMP caused by nuclear detonations will wipe all of those datafiles (yeah, like anybody will want to blow this sinkhole of a country with nukes). Even if hardly anybody reads them. Posted the first of those chapters today, on my birthday, will post the second one on her birthday, and third, which I only managed to write a half off, will post on the third anniversary of when we met. Won't finish it, just opening the file with all of those was too painful. Remembering all her comments, our discussions as I wrote those, how much fun we had and how happy I was... but I already mention all this in author's notes there. Look it up if you want.
Happy birthday to me...
Borsuq, I will say that you have a good heart, please don't give up on yourself. You can compare yourself to others, but that isn't fair to you because everyone works a bit differently in the head myself included. I hope you realize you truly are unique, no I don't approve of "You are mommy/daddy's special snowflake!" crap, no I think you are unique due to your ability to convey information, you are a kind heart, and I believe that it shows. Keep soldiering on, I can't offer anything more than my mere words, but maybe just "maybe," like your works it will be enough to move you, as they have moved us.
So no matter what happens I hope you have a wonderful day.
Gentle breeze guide your path, a warm smile welcome you.
4538517
Thanks
Wow it sucks...
As for your job problem, archeology seems to be one of those jobs you need to be proactive to get into. I don't know what you tried but i would recommend trying to contact some of your teachers to see if they have friends in the field that are seeking assistants. Also, don't just wait for them to call you. Call them a week or so after they say they will call back. It's going to show that you are really interested and they will probably give you an answer instead of never contacting you.
I can't really help you about love as i am pretty much in your situation without the disappearing girl. Take time, it will get better. Simply be careful about depression.
On that note HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
4538534 Frozen Knight is correct, the only true failure is giving up.
Fuck it...
If i ever get the the time and money, i will find you IRL and i will hug you
You need one
For now though, i must settle for a virtual hug.
*hugs Borsuq*
img15.deviantart.net/237f/i/2013/067/a/4/wallpaper_fluttershy_megakind_hug_incoming_by_barrfind-d5xbyq9.jpg
4538538 Yeah, kinda is. Asked my thesis supervisor, but he had nothing. Going on excavation to Cyrpus on September, as a volunteer sadly but maybe the doctors supervising it will get liking to me and will know of some job. Also, had a job interview for an assistant at a museum. Assholes didn't even let me know that I didn't get the job.
Thanks
4538542
Yeah, I know...
4538545 Aww, thanks
i'm so sorry to hear that, hun ;x;
i pray things start to look up for you
What happened to you was awful, but remember that something good will happen to you, and the later it happens, the better it is. Wish i could be there to give you a hug, sometimes that is all you need
Don't be sad, the future always holds something better. Nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful people with talent 
"Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." --Nathaniel Hawthorne
4538648
Thanks, it means a lot to me to hear that^^ Or read, I suppose ;p
4538663 Thanks, although I doubt I can continue to have such optimistic point of view on life. Still, thanks^^
That's some really rough stuff... never been through any of that myself so I can't begin to imagine the pain. However I will say this, I had a hard time getting a job at first, I had slacked off in my last years of school and lowered my what was once a fairly high grade average into the average range. It's always rough going at first and while I may not know how bad it is where you are I can only come to the conclusion that a worldly constant is that without experience it's always rough getting a job. Just keep trying my friend and just know that you can do many things, you cannot give up. You just have to keep moving and believe that even through the darkest nights there's always gonna be a bright morning. Now I ain't anybody important hell I rarely do much on this site anymore, but you've got heart and you've got a community here that knows and loves you. Embrace those that you know support you and you'll find yourself in much warmer waters.
May the Emperor guide your soul and may the Plague Father not imbibe his vile concoctions upon thee.
I think it's safe to say that there are people here who care about you. You're not alone.
And though not everyone here can empathize with what you've been through, many of us know what it's like to be in pain. Despair. And it's because of this, that many of us care about you. Yeah, it's hard to show it on an internet comments section, but we do.
This is the part where I'm supposed to say something wise or funny, to help lift your spirits...all I have is a Rocky Balboa quote. "...it ain't about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward...that's how winning is done!"
Life's gonna hit hard. Always will. But if you can keep getting back up, you'll never lose.
I hope this helps you feel better, or helps you keep on moving forward.
Lad don't beat yourself down to much leads to dark things believe me.
There will always be some people who care for you.
Also if you still work as an unpaid intern, quit it has been proven that former interns are only barely more likely to get a job then those who haven't been interns because only 42% of all employers actually hire people based on wether or not they have gained working experience through internships. Some companies even use interns as little more then unpaid coffee fetchers (you didn't say it was a paid internship so I took the worst scenario). It is practically a scam and sometimes even illegal.
this is the study where most of this information comes from NACE Improving Academic Internships in case the link doesn't work.
https://www.google.nl/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=6&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwis69aP9v3TAhWNEVAKHZdYASEQFghRMAU&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wou.edu%2Fslcd%2Ffiles%2F2015%2F06%2FNACE-Improving-Academic-Internships.docx&usg=AFQjCNHeOQThuApMoITqzcd1dUVjKsm_sQ&sig2=xBGJ5u3F-Vy6goGpsN0PGA
4539509 4539554 4539597
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement
Damn I'm kinda disappointed I didn't read this when it came out. There's not much I can say that you probably haven't heard before but I wanna say something because you're my friend Borsuq.
I can't begin to understand what it's like to be screwed over like that, but I have had similar situations. I thought I had fallen in love with a girl, we dated for a while, but she said that i'd be best if we stayed as friends for the remainder of our school years. So I waited for her for years. On our last year she confessed to me that she loved my best friend. Haven't spoken to either of them since.
Started dating another girl a while after that, but she said it was a mistake and broke it off.
Fell in love with another girl a while after that, she said she doesn't love me but I know I love her. We were dating last year but she broke it off, I'm still talking with her and hoping that one day she'll love me back. Thinking that I have a future with her calms my fears of failing university and being left with nothing. Never had a job and no one wants to hire a 20 year old with no working experience.
You're a good guy Borsuq, don't give up on yourself, and don't give up on love.
4574281
Thank you for your kind words, sorry to hear about your situations. Sorry I have no advice to give back for your problems, aside from maybe focusing on University. Don't know how it is over there, but here over time it gets easier, my last year was a breeze compared to the first one, you just have to stay calm and postive.
If it makes you feel better, you are better than me in the love departament, as you had actually dated. All I have to show is this "internet relationship" I had going. I can't even ask any girl out in real life. And also, well, I assume you hadn't moved across half a continent for five months to be with a girl you never actually met, so, you know, you got that over me as well.
PS: Been working on the chapter today, will sent the rest of that summary thingy tomorrow
4574760
I like to hope it gets easier over time, but me being me (paranoid af), I've got a pair of backups if I fail uni. Military and Police force lmao.
Yeah I'm not gonna lie you got fucked over real hard there bro. I dunno if I'd even have the courage to go to another country by myself just for a girl. I might in a couple years but I'm only 19 atm.
P.S. Looking forward to it!
Dearest Borsuq,
I know it's been a little while since you posted this blog entry, but I still felt compelled to log in just to write a response.
I've been reading your stories for a long time now; even tho sometimes I forget their existence for months at a time... I always end up coming back here just to check if there were any updates.
I remember very fondly the one time you replied to me, my grandfather had just passed away and I was reading your fanfics to cheer myself up a little, commented about it and you kindly offered me words of support; it still makes me tear up a little, remembering the time when the only fanfic author I still follow and admire replied to me in one of the darkest moments in my life... Hell even if it is just to return the courtesy you offered me all those years ago, I wanted to reply to this.
You have a great and all-too-kind heart, and I'm terribly sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience, you do not deserve that kind of treatment. Some people in this world we live in can be pretty nasty, and having gone trough a similar experience this year (I was betrayed by my best friend and coincidentally the man I've loved for years now)... I can understand how much it can hurt to look back at all the fun and happy moments that are now a thing of the past.
I hope some day you're able to find happiness and fulfillment in life be it with or without a partner and I want you to know that not having a girlfriend doesn't diminish your worth as a person, I'm turning 23 this year and I have been single for all my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
To finish my ramblings, I don't expect that this message or any other makes you feel "ok" with the things you're going through at this moment, I just wanted to try and cheer you up, even if it's just a little and for a little while... I'm sure I'm not the only person whose life you've brightened with your wonderful stories, and frankly, I think you deserve better.
Yours truly,
TimePrincess.
P.s.: I know you might be wary from now on about establishing friendships with people on this site, but if you ever need to talk to someone... I'd be glad to talk with you or anyone else reading this message.
4576413
Thank you for your very kind response.
Yeah, I remember sending that message (your name is kinda rememberable); I hope I had been able to help a little.
Thanks, and I'm sorry to hear about your experiance.
People can be beyond awful sometimes.
Well, maybe it doesn't diminish me as a person, but as "a man" ;p I kid, I know this isn't something really important, just sad that I am missing on one of the greatest joys in life (and just to be clear I don't refer to just the physical aspects, although I hear they are great in general ;p)
Thanks, it really did cheer me up
PS: Oh, I have no problem with establishing friendships on this site, just will take me a while before moving across half a continent again to meet them in real life ;p