The Weirdest (and most Awesome) Playthings of 2015-2016 · 10:23pm Dec 31st, 2016
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Two years ago, I did a list of six wacky/creepy toys I found while going through Target for holiday shopping. I intended to do a similar list for 2015, but fate intervened, and it was pushed back yet again. However, this has given me not one, but two whole years to be on the lookout for the silliest playthings on the market (at least, in my area), and I was fortunate to find some real keepers. I love finding the puzzling underbelly of the toy industry, a grimy underworld where bored toy designers say, "What the heck?" and put out the silliest things they can dream of while downing tubs of ice cream and wishing they had become lawyers.
Note that while a few items here aren't really playthings, per se, they were memorable enough that I decided to put them in. And thus, with that in mind, let us take a look at the playthings that make us chuckle, gasp in awe, or make the mind go, "Wait a minute..."
The Night Light That Won't Save You From Anything
Night lights are the comforting Conans of childhood: when we're alone in the dark without our mommies and daddies to protect us, the night light is there to keep the face-eating monsters, dastardly ghouls, and tax-collecting IRS agents at bay. And what better way to fall asleep then knowing that Bumblebee or Spider-Man himself are watching over you? Well... pretty much anything, really. When flesh-eating tarantulas break through your window to eat your face, there's really nothing Spider-Man or Bumblebee can do to save you as you die a horrible death, because they're pieces of plastic. And when the killer volcano erupts and lava surges into your bedroom, you can die knowing that, as you melt into molten goo, Spider-Man and Bumblebee will be silently weeping before they, too, plunge into the lava and melt into nothingness, thus ending the existentialist pain of knowing that they're helpless to stop volcanoes, no matter how much they love their owners, which is probably going to be the plot of Toy Story 4. I'd love to hear Randy Newman sing a song about that!
Not-LEGO Desert Storm Bomber Squadron Building Blocks
There's been a small market lately of building block toy companies that totally aren't LEGO capitalizing on more adult licenses like Halo and Call of Duty, and I admit that for the more grown-up kid, those are a pretty cool idea. But this toy set is clearly aimed towards a younger audience, one that probably has no idea what the Gulf War was outside of flashbacks Daddy gets that causes him to try and murder invisible soldiers in the night. Of course, I'm almost certainly wrong; their inquisitive young minds just want to learn about history, and how we stopped Saddam Hussein with tiny, white tanks, aerodynamically-impossible planes, and floating gun turrets!
Huh... I don't remember seeing CNN footage of our troops magically riding floating turrets towards Baghdad (which, admittingly, would have been awesome, and led to hilarious denials from the Iraq Information Minister). Still, I wondered what this was––
Ohhh! It's not a magically floating turret, it's a magically floating heavy blaster! That clears everything up!
The Neurofibromatosis Yeti-Hunters Brigade
Deep inside a secret lab, a team of highly-trained engineers creates the most advanced monster-catching vehicle ever dreamed of by the mind of man. These vehicles will head forth into the wilderness in search of the fabled Yeti, who, after centuries of hiding and mocking us from his stupid snow-cave castle, will have nowhere to hide when this mighty machine rumbles after him, armed with the finest crew of yeti-hunters ever assembled, all of them hand-picked by the president of the United States for their courage, bravery, determination, and massively swollen feet.
Yes, these brave men run into the wild, ever smiling and grinning despite lugging around 500 pounds of grotesquely swollen flesh within their boots. But they don't worry about such things, because they aren't going to let their freakish genetics slow them down! No, they're going to go into battle with their morningstar maces and adult toys!
...
Let's move on, shall we?
Uncanny Valley Spongebob
You've gotta hand it to Spongebob Squarepants: for a kid's cartoon show, he's been on the air for a long time, yet I've never seen that much merchandise dedicated to the show. Now that I've seen this oversized doll, though, I think that meets my talking-sponge quota for my lifetime. Now, this isn't a weird toy, per se. It's pretty average, except for one thing: those eyes. Those terrible, terrible eyes.
Eyes that will haunt you for life. Eyes that will peer at you from your closet as the malevolent sponge descends upon you, illuminated only by the glow of the red flashlight you accidentally left turned on, or the opening to hell from which he came from and now wants to drag you back with him.
Those yes... they're not human. They're not of this world, I tell you.
General Goldmask
Ahh, now this is more like it! Dollar store military stores are always a treasure trove for the desperate comedy writer, and for good reasons. Realism is thrown out the window when these guys pop up on the shelves, with oversized weapons, terrible paint jobs, bad articulation and all around weirdness ("Force of Action!" is awesome only if paratroopers scream it while diving out of a plane to combat ISIS/Godzilla/giant termites/rogue Girl Scouts, etc.) and what better way to start off with General Goldmask? Fresh from Navy SEAL University, he's all ready and prepared for his first mission deep in enemy territory, which he'll begin by paddling his tan-colored kayak into a mud-storage facility, upon which he'll lug out his shotgun, grenade launcher, sniper rifle, and trudge into battle to save freedom! Unfortunately, due to the military's obsession with latest trend version...
... he now has to go into battle wearing a gold mask that melted in the factory, along with bright, silver Robocop gloves, and a black and chrome vest, the perfect outfit for stealth missions!
And it's not just him, but every soldier in the United States armed forces is now required by law to charge into battle with gold swimming goggles and jumpsuit/vest combinations designed to look as fabulous as possible! Watch out, ISIS! But hey, at least it's not as bad as his poor commander, Commander Meltyface:
Poor Meltyface. Once upon a time he was the most handsome hunk in all the land, with the princess pledging herself to him in holy matrimony. But then an unfortunate trip to the radioactive waste storage plant during a 9.5 earthquake caused him to be coated in the foul toxins, gaining him the power of terminal cancer and a melted face. The princess ran away to join Fox's Who Wants to Marry a Millionare? and Meltyface was left to trudge on in a world that feared and shunned him. For shame.
The Super Police
Always wanted to be a police officer? Well, why join the police when can join the super police? You get a cool headset, binoculars, and grenades to carry with you on patrol!
Inflatable Ninja Gloves
Back in ancient times, the stealthy and cunning ninja would sneak into the dojos of rival shoguns and assassinate them for the honor of Japan. And how would they do this, you might ask? Not with swords, shuriken, and those sticks-connected-by-chain-things, but with their legendary inflatable combat gloves. Word has it that when an army of ninjas took on the Emperor (who had his own combat gloves forged in the empire’s finest forges) it was really cool.
Spider Man's Inflatable Battle Hammer
I think we can all agree that the Amazing Spider-Man movies were a disappointment. Why? While there are many flaws in both films, the single greatest problem was that we didn't see Spider-Man wailing into the Lizard, Rhino, Electro, and the Green Goblin with his famous battle hammer decorated with pictures of himself. Were there any scenes of him smashing bone and crushing skulls while cracking jokes and admiring himself in the hammer's handle? I think not, ergo, the film's failure to launch into an expanded universe with about 127 spin-off films (Goodbye, Aunt May movie... we never knew ye *sniff*). If only the film had the hammer... or the very least, Spider-man's famous sword that he uses to cleave the heads of his enemies from their bodies...
Spider Man's Inflatable Battle Sword
YOU DROPPED THE BALL, SONY!
Sparkle Truck Thing
Whacking little balls on wooden panels is an inherently boring way to pass the time (unless they are used as weapons: can you imagine how awesome it would be to see all the swords/axes/maces in the Lord of the Rings movies replaced with these things?), so it’s not surprising that manufacturers would try to bling up the boards. I don’t know why, but the combination of super-happy-fun-sparkles and a monster truck is just... perfect. It almost looks like the truck is hurling out of the sun, and that’s always cool.
Mummified Poop Dinosaur
We’ve got a new mummy movie coming out next year, but it’s already doomed to fail. Why? Because the title character is not a shriveled-up dinosaur mummy. Specifically, one with a shrunken body a giant head, massive, swollen feet, and looks like its been covered in dried poop. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to see Tom Cruise getting into a fistfight with it. Or at the least, scream at it.
The Worst Helicopter Ever
“General! We only have an operating budget of $100 this year!”
“Curses! Design me a helicopter that only costs $15 to make, offers no protection to the pilots, has lots of holes in it, and is bright orange, ensuring it can be seen by enemies dozens of miles away.”
“Yes, sir!”
Special Force Figure
This guy actually isn’t too bad for a dollar store action figure. For one thing, he doesn’t have a face that melted inside a radioactive reactor. He even has some pretty good weapons that feature surprisingly good sculpts (though why he has a random samurai sword is beyond me). But you gotta love the random gun floating in the techno-void that has no connection to anything, and that our hero has a blue chestplate that is presumably quite hard and inflexible. Why then, does it continue to go into his pants? If it’s really hard, that means this poor guy can’t crouch, bend, or even sit without impaling his genitals, which makes completing any of his missions really hard.
Special Force Jesus Figure
But who cares about Crotch Commando when we have Commando Jesus? He’s back, and this time he’s packin’ heat! Watch out, Pharisees! You don’t want to get in the way of this carpenter, or he’ll blow you away with his Uzi and M-16 while bashing you in the face with the nuclear briefcase!
Military Playset
Yes, another military themed set. The figures are basic, but passable, though the one on the right looks suspiciously like Sir Topham Hatt from Thomas the Tank Engine. But what stands out here aren’t the figures, but their weapons, which include:
*Two grenades that are bigger then their heads
*A FABULOUS multi-colored tiger stripe flag
*A five foot tall serrated pirate sword who’s handle alone would require two hands to grasp, let alone swing in combat. But seriously, a pirate sword? Would our armed forces (or the forces of colored tigerstripetopia) really be better off equipped with oversized pirate swords to carry into battle? The answer, of course, is yes.
Also, I can’t help but love the sniper-scope on the page that’s aiming at... well, what looks like a portable rock-climbing wall... OF EVIL!
The Jar Jar Book That No One Wants
The dollar store is often the final resting place of books that no one will want again until the end of time. My local 99 Cent Store has dozens of George of the Jungle storybooks that haven’t been touched since 1997, and will probably end up being used as building material when we have to construct a barrier against the inevitable zombie uprising. But this Jar Jar coloring book will probably come second. Now you, too, can color in the poop Jar Jar steps in while traveling Mos Eisely! Don’t forget to get the right shade of red when coloring in all the gungan blood spilled because of his incompetence during the climactic battle outside Theed!
The Anakin Book That’s Hilarious In Hindsight
Even better than the Jar Jar book is the coloring book depicting little orphan Ani’s adventures in murdering sand people, murdering younglings, and murdering his subordinates for the slightest mistake! Be sure to color in all the sand!
Dinosaur World
NOTE: To ensure that you are not the last of your species, do not take up residence in an active volcano, you moron. Not even your Lite Guardians will be able to save you.
Loopin’ Chewie
The game itself looks pretty harmless, all things considered, but I like the artwork, which features steroid-infused Chewie (or fallen-under-the-growth-spell-of-an-evil-fairy Chewie) preparing to smash the helpless, terrified stormtroopers into corpsetroopers. He’s also driving drunk, if the Falcon’s contrail is to be believed.
Funny String
Oh gee, I need a way to liven up my holiday parties! However will I do so? I know! Silly string that’s also TNT! That’ll help! 
See? It increases the happy atmosphere! Which means that every single vehicle on earth needs to have their engines run off funny string. Our atmosphere would be so happy!
Dare Cookies
Of all the items on this list, this was the one where I did a literal double-take at seeing it for the first time. A cream filled cookie with the word, “Dare” on it? Why? Was it trying to tell us to resist drugs? Has the program fallen so hard that they resort to sneakily putting its logo on cookies to catch unsuspecting teenagers by surprise? Then I realized that the name of the company is “Dare.” Oh well. I like the idea of a government organization engaged in a sneaky cookie plot to try and influence the minds of impressionable youngsters. It would make a great James Bond film!
Circus Grill
I’ve only been to the circus once in my life, and all I remember about it was buying a motorcycle toy colored in bright, neon-colored red and yellow. So in a way, I associate the circus with cheap toys made in China with lead-lined paint. Others might associate the circus with elephants, trapeze artists, and any number of unhealthy snacks you can buy. But I can’t think of a time when anyone would associate the circus with barbecuing, much less a George Foreman grill.
Yes! Instead of bringing home fond memories of elephants, lions, tigers, and feats of daring, I’ll bring home a barbecue grill instead!
Creepy Dory
Confession time: I never liked Dory from the Finding Nemo movies, finding her more annoying than charming. But at least she didn’t look like a bug-eyed fish who wants to have inappropriate sexual relationships with you, as this stuffed version does:
Imagine waking up in the dead of night and seeing this thing staring at you. Would you smile and pet her? Or would you stay still and wish for your Lite Guardian to save you? On the other hand, she would make for a hilarious addition to the Jaws franchise.
Imagine the terror of going out onto the open ocean and seeing this giant, stuffed Beany Baby fish popping out of the water, charging towards you, trying to eat you, and failing miserably because it has no teeth, throat, or digestive system. Plus, it would fall apart quickly, being made of cotton and polyester. So nevermind.
PROTIP: If attacked by giant felt fish in the open, just keep swimming until you reach safety.
Glow Trident
Hail Satan!
Fortress Invasion
Recalling the legendary battle between two fortresses built only a few yards away from each other for some reason by enemies who hated each other with unending passion, this playset enables kids to learn that blowing up the enemy base is the best answer to inter-country conflict, instead of negotiations, diplomacy, and empathy.
Also, gotta love how the kid in the foreground looks like he’s realized that his hand is about to be crushed, forcing him to wear a hook for a hand for the rest of his life, thus depriving him of the precious gift of having a fully-functional and intact hand that will allow him to use everyday objects in a normal manner. Too bad Billy; should have remembered that demolishing fortresses using play-dough is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Also, notice the logo on the box.
Isn’t that a wonderful message to send to children? Better teach them the importance of knowing that everything you ever build or create will one day be destroyed, leaving no trace of your brief existence on this earth!
Moth Batman
Watch out, evildoers! Batman, sensing the time had come to evolve so he could fight crime, has emerged from his beautiful cocoon as a half-man, half-bat, half-moth hybrid! There’s nowhere you can go, and nowhere you can hide to escape the fury of a man who has moth wings for arms. You can run, but you’ll never escape as he twirls down onto you like a ballerina of DOOM. And for extra fun, his best pal, Superman (at last, when he’s not trying to make Batman’s life miserable) has joined in on the fun!
If only Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice featured the title heroes whacking each other with their moth arms and spinning in the sky like ballerinas, as we would have gotten the best superhero movie of all time.
Drill ‘N Fill
I wish I had something clever to say about a toy that lets little ones mangle someone’s teeth, but my skin crawls just looking at this thing.
Hah Solo
What’s better than a well-made toy? Finding one with a typo! Say hello to Hah solo, Han Solo’s genetically-identical cousin that he never talks about!
“Uhhh... whoops.”
Interstellar Action Figures
Awful sound mixing issues aside, Interstellar was a really solid sci-fi film, but not one I’d expect merchandise and action figures from. So I was surprised to see these two on a shelf at Toys R Us when I went looking for strange figures. And at first glance they look pretty good. But when you get in closer...
Pictures can’t do this face justice: I had to bite my tongue in the store to keep from laughing because Cooper’s face in his helmet is just... perfect. He looks astonished that he’s an action figure, and you can just see him thinking, “Whhhaaaaa?!” It’s adorably goofy. Too bad he doesn’t have a button that lets him yell, “Murph!” whenever you press it (If you want a better, clearer look at the helmet face, go here)
Air Glider Thor
If Coop looked baffled, poor Thor here looks like he's about to burst into tears. But wouldn’t you be miserable too if you, the Norse god of Thunder, had been forced to fly through the air for the amusement of little children? I don’t think I’ve seen a toy look so unhappy before.
“Verily, Kill me.”
Minimum Wage Job Training Equipment
It's never too late to teach your little ones how to clean the houses and restaurants of people far richer than you'll ever be! In the cause of gender fairness, I hope we see a set like this covered with pictures of Spider-Man, recalling the time he's cleaned up his spider-cave between fighting crime. Or is it used for sweeping up crime? I can't remember.
More Power!
Feeling low on power? Feel as if nothing in life is going your way? Then slip on a $1 Mardi Gras mask, and you will become MORE POWERFUL! Bullets, missiles, bombs, all will fail to hurt you as your charge into battle against your enemies while wielding oversized pirate swords!
Finger Basketball Set
Hey, kids! Do you want to be the next NBA superstar? If so, play finger basketball! Why? Because it is exercise sport, and the game test your skill!
Michael Jordon put 200,000 hours into this thing, and look where it got him! No, not a lucrative career in Basketball, but playing alongside Bugs Bunny in Space Jam! And who wouldn't want to fight aliens with the Loony Tunes gang? So start tossing!
Neon Recorder
During the Cold War, a brave agent infiltrated the heart of the Kremlin and sat in on numerous meetings between top leaders of the Soviet Union, who were unaware that they were secretly being recorded while the undercover agent played his bright, neon-orange flute during those meetings. Now, you too can honor that brave agent by getting your own recorder flute and spying on your enemies! Try it at the next meeting of ISIS leaders!
Drunk Yoda
Out of all the playthings I’ve come across these past two years, Drunk Yoda gets my award for the most embarrassing/worst. You don’t expect much from dollar store toys, but Yoda is clearly meant to be a higher-end product and must be judged according to his merits, and those merits are that he looks dead drunk. 900 years of fighting off the Sith and listening to Anakin whine about sand have finally turned everyone's favorite muppet to drink. Just look at him! Look at that face! Look at how he traded his lightsaber for a miniscule lightdagger!
Can you imagine drunk Yoda going toe-to-toe with Count Dooku or the Emperor? I can, and it'd be hilarious. It would be the greatest moment(s) in Star Wars history. But part of me also wonders what it was like during production meetings when this thing was being assembled, and how everyone knew it didn't really look like Yoda but were too scared to speak up.
Now, with all the questionable, silly, and weird playthings out of the way, I wanted to try something different this time around, and thus, I present my seven favorite playthings I found these past two years!
Awesome toys:
7. Frozen dollhouse
I’m not including this dollhouse because I’m a Frozen fan, or because I like dollhouses, but because this sucker is HUGE. It’s easily the biggest dollhouse I’ve ever seen, and easily the biggest toy I’ve ever come across, for that matter, excluding power wheels (here’s another photo for reference). While not entirely screen accurate (Having no walls on your ice palace will only ensure a quick, cold, and miserable death for all those who visit), I’m impressed at how detailed this thing is.
6. 1960’s Batman toys
Although I’ve only seen the movie and various clips from the show, I will admit without shame that the 1960’s version of Batman is my favorite version of the character, for the simple fact that it’s actually fun to watch and doesn’t take itself seriously. We need more levity like that in today’s world. I’m not interested in buying merchandise from the show, but I do like cleverness on packing, especially if it’s meta:
5. Darth Vader’s Car
This is both ridiculous and awesome at once. It’s a freaking car molded after Darth Vader’s helmet! And to be honest, it’s actually a pretty clever idea. And, because I’ve said it before, it would be amazing to see this is an actual Star Wars movie. I like to pretend Vader has this stashed somewhere in his castle on Mustafar, and that he went out for a joyride in it after choking Director Krennic in Rogue One, whooping and yelling, “Yippie!” as he tore across the lava.
4. Retro Alien action figures
*Photo from toyark.com*
While these figures are too pricy for me (Twenty bucks each?!), I love the story of how these figures made it to the shelves: Back in 1979, the movie Alien almost had a line of action figures produced, but they were eventually canceled. However, company Super7 and Funko eventually managed to get their hands on the original prototypes and finally got them to the market. Sure, it was almost 40 years after the movie came out, but better late than never, right? And while these figures are charming in a goofy, retro way I love the little touches on the packaging that prove Super7 knew how absurd it was to market these to kids:
Evil brains? Space adventures? I just love the idea of the crew of the Nostromo happily going on all sorts of fun, wacky adventures in the unexplored depths of space because it’s so alien *ahem* to the tone and concept of the film, and makes for a hilarious mental picture. You could almost make a cartoon series about that! Oh, wait...
3. Star Wars Christmas Display
Calling it a toy may be a stretch, but when I saw this display at my local CVS, I knew it was going to be on this list. I always appreciate it when companies put out humorous merchandise based on their most popular movies, and especially when they go all-out. And really, can you go more all-out than having Darth Vader and a stormtrooper in a Christmas display where a star destroyer is the tree? Or that the stormtrooper is holding a candy cane instead of a blaster and appears to be smiling? It’s merchandise like this that makes me happy, because it proves that executives who sign off on these things can have a sense of humor.
2. True Heroes Attack Submarine and Gunship
In the quest to find the most awesome toy I could, I came across two that were so cool that there was no way I could choose between them. And can you blame me? For pre-teen kids, these things are AMAZING. If I had gotten one on Christmas morning or my birthday, I would have had a heart attack. They’re big, they’re detailed, and they’ve got lots of play features. I mean, for crying out loud, they even have little planning rooms inside the hulls! Heck, if you’re a grown-up who’s young at heart, these are still awesome.
Now, what could possibly top an awesome submarine and gunship as my favorite toy of these past few years? Well... nothing, really. There were lots of awesome action figures, vehicles, and playsets out there, but my favorite item isn’t really a toy. It’s marketed to kids, yes, but it’s not exactly meant to be played with in a traditional sense. Just what is this mysterious item?
*Drumroll please*
1. Darth Vader Cereal
Yes, cereal. My favorite piece of merchandise is a box of children’s cereal. Why? Read on.
At first, nothing seems too out of the ordinary, outside of the fact that an intergalactic mass murderer (who hates sand with an unending passion) is the mascot being used to sell children’s breakfast cereal. However, if we look closely, we can see that he seems seriously ticked-off about the marshmallows flying into his face, and is about to carve them up with his lightsaber (PROTIP: If facing a Sith Lord in combat, carry a gun that shoots marshmallows). That makes me chuckle. However, if we turn the box around...
We get my favorite back-of-box blurb ever. Not for the game, but for the description of how you play it. "Jump your opponent and eat their ship,” which is one of the most awesome commands you can hope to hear during a battle.
Captain: This is the S.S. Deathdealer! I’m outnumbered and outgunned! Engines are down to 15%, and we’re low on ammunition!
Command: Captain, jump your opponent and eat their ship!
Captain: Sir, yes, sir!
*Does so*
And how do you win this battle? By eating all of your opponent’s ships. The mental image of such a battle is ludicrous, yet hilarious. Do millions of suited rebels and imperials leap into the cold abyss of space to munch on capital ships until there’s nothing left? Do pilots of TIE fighters and X-wings eject and attempt to eat their opponent’s craft with forks and knives? Why haven’t we seen this yet in any of the films? It would be amazing.
All that enjoyment and humor from a cereal box. And that’s why this is my favorite plaything of 2015 and 2016.
And with that, our toy wrap-up comes to an end. While there were no outright bad or bizarre toys, there were a lot of clever little things and some weird choices, but at least we can be grateful that there weren’t any toys or dolls that pooped and––
But enough about the production of the star wars prequels. Talk about drunk Yoda.
Well done, I found this very interesting and amusing.
I didn't know that there was Star wars cereal, that is the funniest and best thing I've heard al day.
It took a long time for me to finish this but I really loved it! Thanks for the fun :)