The Six Creepiest Toys I found while Holiday shopping at Target! · 4:31am Dec 23rd, 2014
Ah, it's the holiday season! A time of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards all, and the incredible stress that comes with spending approximately $45, 201, 355 on presents for your loved ones when you have a minimum wage job and only work part time hours. And don't forget spending the last two weeks before Christmas scrambling to make sure your list has been checked twice only to realize you've forgotten half your gifts and need to go shopping RIGHT NOW. And also working like a maniac the last 72 hours to decorate the house, put up lights, bake goods, and collapse from exhaustion and vowing to call out for pizza and buy everyone gift cards next year to save your sanity.
Truly, this is the most magical time of year!
But the warm, loving heart of Christmas isn't the reason for this post. Earlier today I went shopping and bought my first ever pieces of Pony merchandise (though I have to be honest, they weren't for me).
If you had told me five years ago that I'd be buying these one day of my own free will, I would have laughed myself to death
But as I was browsing the shelves, I struck up a conversation with an older woman who was shopping for her niece, and had come across a rather... odd doll. We both said that this was one of the oddest toys we'd both seen, and agreed that it wasn't really for little girls. But while I was cracking jokes and spreading holiday laughs, my soul was screaming in existentialist despair. Now well out of the age where I want toys for Christmas (money towards my retirement account, please!), I have a more adult perspective on the toys kids get, and how some may be a bit... inappropriate, such as giving children a playset designed around a psychopathic mass murderer. Now, I can understand the appeal of having bad guys for the good guys to battle, and that they need an evil lair for their awesome kung-fu battles to take place in. I have no problem with that. But as I wandered the shelves looking for other items on my list, I saw some bizarre toys that, in all honestly, are really freaking creepy.
Thus, in the spirit of Yuletide cheer, I offer you The Six Creepiest Toys I Found While Shopping At Target!
#6: The Dragon That Shoots Missiles From Its Butt
Spike? As in Spike the dragon? SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING!
Yes, yes, I know, Deadly Nadders fire poisonous spikes from their tail, but the photo of the toy isn't flattering in the least. If I didn't know better, this fellow had explosive diahrrea and by twisting the bumpy trunk protruding from it's rear, you can fire unsanitary missiles! Now your kids can relive the exciting scene in the movie where Astrid had a diarrhetic Stormfly fire explosive projectiles at Drago's men, who then shortly died of Cholera and AIDS.
#5: Brain-Damaged Goofy
Just look at Lady. LOOK AT HOW TERRIFIED SHE IS.
No, Goofy didn't turn into a werewolf that howls at the moon every night. Or at least, I don't think he has. I don't watch the Disney channel these days, so I'm unsure of Goofy's canonical status, though seeing him battle a Werewolf to the death would be awesome. Anyway, this isn't the Goofy I remember from my childhood. That Goofy was silly, carefree and happy, not constantly screaming at the top of his lungs like he is here. Either that or he has brain damage and is sitting around all day, drooling and oblivious of the happy activities taking place in Mickey's clubhouse. Either way, is this really the type of doll you'd want to give to a little kid? One that's yelling all the time?
You can totally see the drool now, can't you?
#4: The Doll That Poops
Pity the poor guy who uses his university education to design dolls like this.
Deep within the forests and provinces of China lie factories where hundreds of workers spend years creating millions of plastic dolls that pee and poop. This fact alone will convince aliens that humanity deserves to die.
I've been aware of pooping/peeing dolls for a while, but this was the first time I've really seen one up close and personal in years. And I have to say, it's just... strange. Why are there toys for girls that poop and pee? Granted, it could be society reinforcing the social image of women cleaning up after their babies instead of men (you don't see GI Joe cleaning up after his young son during an assault on Cobra-La, do you?) and indoctrinating little girls into the cultural stereotype of the good housewife. But even without that image, it's still a creepy toy. I just can't imagine little girls playing with peeing, pooping dolls all day long. I bet their therapists will be hearing some interesting stories decades from now!
#3: The Soulless Doll
Now we're getting into really creepy territory. Dolls in and of themselves are fine toys, and are a lot like nuclear power: Put them in the right hands, and you can safely power entire cities without incident. Put them in the hands of Nazis, however, and you've got a freaky doll with buttons for eyes and no mouth. Or something. I don't know. What I do know is that this is one of the creepiest dolls I've ever seen. It looks like Chucky's evil sidekick, the one who would chase you down while wielding a flamethrower. Just look at those eyes! Or rather, the lack of them. No soul, no personality, no emotion. Just an emptiness that will make you long for Yog-Sothoth to come and eat you.
Also, notice that there's a Lalaloopsy Babies DVD. I don't have the courage to look up information about it, but I doubt it's directed by Steven Spielberg.
#2: The Souless Doll That Poops
KILL IT WITH FIRE.
This is the toy that got the older lady and myself talking about creepy toys for children. And this, dear reader, may be the poster child for creepy toys. Not only do you have a soulless abomination that wants to kill you with a flamethrower, but now it wants to kill you with a flamethrower while magically pooping charms. While it orders you to feed it water (what). Just what kind of message does this send to impressionable youngsters? That you should take the poop from your baby's diaper and proudly wear it on your wrists for all to see? Who designed this thing?! Did they seriously not think about the psychological harm this would bring to children? Won't someone think of the children?!
There... there's just so many things about this doll that makes my soul scream and long for oblivion. The fact that it comes with diapers/panties that some poor worker had to assemble on a production line while wishing they had never been born. That it looks like it wants to suck your immortal soul in through its mouth while taunting you with its button-eyes. But perhaps worst of all is the fact that it poops out charms. That you turn into bracelets and wear on your wrist.
AAARRRGGG.
#1: Voraphile Elmo
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
What? You thought pooping dolls were the creepiest toys at Target? No, sad reader. Voraphile Elmo takes that prize. When I saw this box, I literally did a double take. I mean, just look at it! That poor kid has no idea that Elmo is about to eat his head. Just look at those eyes, the gaping mouth, the fact that the fuzzy monster from Sesame Street is inescapably drawing the youngster to a cruel and terrible death typically reserved for John Voight when facing anacondas in the rainforest.
In all my years on this earth, I can honestly say I have never seen a toy quite like this. Or at the least, packaging this malevolent and creepy. I'm sure the doll itself is quite harmless when freed from his cardboard prison. Then again, he could be evil. I don't want to take the chance.
YOU SOUL IS MINE.
Times have definitely changed since I was a child and had simple toys (Jurassic Park Jungle Explorer 4 LIFE!). Kids these days have an amazing array of awesome toys to play with, and in many ways I envy them. But I definitely feel sorry for some of the toys their parents may give them this holiday season. But even as their little brains are scarred for life, at least they can take comfort that there are no pooping and peeing My Little Pony dolls.
Yet.
Soon....
This made my day, thank you so much! :)
What do you think about pregnant dolls and yes they are a thing.
2672777
Yay! I haven't seen pregnant dolls yet, but on a purely conceptual level, I think they're less creepy than pooping and peeing dolls. Let's hope we never see a pregnant Twilight Sparkle on store shelves.
Are you sure they don't have them? Because I seem to recall a large abundance of baby versions of ponies with the My Little Pony brand. Granted, the generation before this one was committed to baby ponies but still!
Two days ago at Barnes and Noble, while I was waiting for one of my friends to buy his comic books I went into the children's section and found the MLP section. Most disturbing however was G4 brand baby ponies. I think I saw an Applejack version, but it had a different name. I also saw three other ponies with names I had never seen before. That said, unlike you I didn't take pictures of them so other than the internet I don't have anything to back it up. I guess I could go back but I have too much fanfiction to read in my spare time to buy anymore books!