Does "Complaining About Your Headcanons" Equal "Actual Criticism"? Nah -- A Celestial Tirade · 4:05pm Dec 3rd, 2016
Hey, remember that time Celestia beat Chrysalis without even trying? And then revealed everything that’s ever happened in the show has been part of her plan? And then she flew around Equestria solving every problem and Luna popped out and gave you a blowjob?
No?
Well, shit. I wonder why.
…That’s pretty much the entire blog explained in exactly fifty words. A more in-depth analysis on this subject after the page break.
Pick up some flashlights, folks. ‘Cause we’re gonna throw some shade.
So, I was actually slightly angry when I started this blog, but thankfully enough a butterfly flew by and I ran away chasing it. Ended up in a forest, got lost, fucked what I hope was a tree, and now I’m back and definitely not mad anymore—so worry not, I won’t be foaming at the mouth while I type.
However, I will continue writing what I believe is an incredibly nitpicky blog post, because I thought this issue only affected me (and not even Aragón gives a shit about Aragón), but then I saw that, holy shit, a friend was going through the exact same crap. This calls for a couple thousand words of me whining, if I’m the one to judge.
But enough beating around the bush – like the man who sweetly whispers “no homo” before fucking his Dalmatian, I’ll go straight to the point: sometimes, characters fuck up. This is not the story’s flaw. This is the character’s flaw. And that is good.
As you, astute reader, might have inferred from the title of this blog, I’m talking about the Princesses in particular, and why they should be allowed to have flaws. Because, sadly, a lot of people want them to be absolutely perfect… But, alas, that can’t be. For a perfect character is like juggling with komodo dragons: you better know what the fuck you’re doing, or else someone’s getting his dick bit off.
So, okay. Back up, you say. You’re not making any sense, Aragon. Wait, is it “Aragon” or “Aragón”? Can I call you Aragon? It’s easier to type. To which I reply: why, you can call me whatever you want, buddy. I don’t really care. We’re all friends in here. Make yourself comfortable. There are drinks and peanuts on the table, if you want some.
This is a long story, so I’ll try to make it short: when the show started Princess Celestia was a mysterious figure. She was a mentor, a wise idol for Twilight to look up to, and adore. In the first season, we get but mere glimpses of her: she raises the sun. She’s an alicorn. She planned Luna’s return and bet her life on Twilight, and the bet paid off. When the best night of the year comes around, Twilight’s only wish is to spend it in her company.
It’s a powerful image. There’s a reason why Celestia and Luna are so popular – the less you know about a character, the more you want to know. You want to fill the blanks, because they are just teasing you, and every time they appear they let you catch a glimpse, big enough for you to get your hopes up, but small enough to let you wanting for more.
Sounds familiar? It’s really similar to that thing creepy people say when they want to sound smart: eroticism is sexier than outright porn. Suggesting the shape of a nipple under a white cotton shirt is better than thirty tits plastered against you TV screen with sax music in the background.
Am I saying people want to fuck Luna and Celestia? Yes. Exactly. But on top of that, I’m saying they are interesting because we know little of them. For all we know, they might as well be gods – infinitely powerful, infinitely wise, older than we can imagine. The show knows this, and plays with it; the start of Season Two has that moment where Celestia, for the first time in the series, is shown as scared. And that’s how we know Discord is bad news: he scared Celestia. If Celestia is scared, then he’s a great threat.
So far, so good. Luna had even less screentime, so she was a total wild card, but what little we knew of Celestia painted her as simply superior to any other life form in Equestria.
But.
And this is a huge but.
That shit is in the past. Gone. Bye-bye. Flew through the window, went down the drain. Kicked the bucket. Gave up the ghost. Shit be no more.
The mystery was solved, folks, and it went away not with a bang but with a whisper. Chrysalis defeated Celestia. Episode 100 showed the Princesses bickering with each other. Tirek won until Twilight came around. The comics had Celestia fall in love for fuck’s sake.
Are the Princesses normal? Nah. They’re immortal, and another species – that, alone, is enough to differentiate them from the common folk. But we got our answer: they’re not impossibly wise. They’re not impossibly powerful. There are enough clues in the show to assume that they are, in fact, way more normal than expected. They’re just really fucking old.
Which, I mean, is not something to scoff at? But I don’t assume my 93-years-old grandmother knows all the mysteries of the universe and has power over life and death. I assume she’s got a lot of stories to tell, and is a little bit racist. Her omelets are to die for. That’s all.
There’s this big problem in… pretty much any fandom, really, in which people assume their headcanons should be (and most times actually are) shared by everybody. That’s perfectly normal: when you give something for granted, you stop thinking it’s merely “your opinion”. And some interpretations are really damn popular—nowhere in the show will you see Luna calling Celestia “Tia”, but you would suspect otherwise if your only source of information was the huge amount of fanworks that use that nickname.
But that becomes a problem when it makes some folks see flaws where there ain’t any. I’ve had my share of people angry at my stories because they didn’t follow their headcanons… And they honestly believed that, because of this, the story was somewhat against canon, or stupid, or faulty, or personally offensive. Sometimes the offending bit was be something minor, like how in this story Berry Punch doesn’t have a daughter, and they would be somewhat polite about it. Sometimes, it was something major.
And, I mean – chances are the story is indeed stupid or personally offensive? But that’s because we’re talking about my stories, and I’m a fucking idiot.
By far, the most common faux-criticism my stories have got, though, is “Celestia would never allow this to happen, she is too smart/too powerful/ not mentally prepared to insert so many things in her vagina”. And sometimes the comments are polite, sure, but sometimes they sure as fuck aren’t.
“Wow, Aragón,” you must be thinking. “I had no idea that was an issue, you never talk about this. You surely react to this in a mature and calm way, right?” Hahahah. You’re hilarious. Man, when we’re talking about me, always assume the worst.
This kind of “THIS SHIT DOESN’T FOLLOW MY HEADCANON” comment is usually not enough to make me think twice about this issue. Hell, most of the comments I get aren’t even on the story proper. They come from private chats, PMs, and reviews on places I won’t link.
And you know what? One could even argue that they have a point, which makes my ‘faux-criticism’ appellative a lie: a lot of my stories rely on character assassination. I believe that OOC is relative, that the format of a story should be malleable, that grammar rules are to be defied for the sake of a greater story, and pretty much anything that makes smart people think that I’m a huge idiot.
So, is my brand of character assassination an issue? I honestly have no idea. Maybe? I find it fun and I’m not hurting anybody, but hey, maybe it’s propagating the stereotype that all ponies are actually starfishes or some shit. Christ, weirder things have gone down in this website.
But here’s the thing – at least those comments have a point. Indeed, I once wrote a story in which Celestia happily desecrates a body in public, and that strikes some as weird, for it would never happen in the show. Hence, they point that out, and one can argue if they’re missing a point or not, but their argument is at least nominally right.
So this is not what pisses me off. What pisses me off is what I saw today – a person criticizing a story (that is not mine, and that I think is pretty good), explaining that the fic sucks and it should have never been written, because it included Celestia acting in a way that they saw as faulty. Real, objective faux-criticism, in which the issue was, and I quote, “this goes against my personal headcanon, so anything you’ve ever written is shit and you’re a fucking idiot.”
(I might not be quoting literally, but, shit, if I can’t make a strawman then what is the point of this blog?)
I’ll go a little in-depth here. I won’t give out the name of the story, or the name of whoever commented, because by the lack of testicles sprouting under my chin I infer I’m not a colossal dickhead? But I will explain, roughly, what happened:
• The story includes a plot point that affects Celestia in a particular way.
• Said plot point is a pretty big conflict in the universe of the story.
• The conflict could be fixed if Celestia was immensely powerful, immensely wise, immensely proactive, or any combination of the three.
• As the story is competently written, that is not the fucking case.
That, apparently, was enough to drive the person commenting absolutely insane. And the worst thing is, this wasn’t an isolated incident – this has happened many, many times. In many stories, with many angry people commenting.
I suspected this was a thing, but I didn’t realize it was an issue till today. And, frankly, it pisses me off because it’s just pretty damn dumb.
It’s insane the number of stories that have got downvotes, and horrible comments, and a constant influx of rage out of something as simple as “Celestia wasn’t all-powerful here”. I understand that, if one writes something like Rarity saying she hates fashion, some people may call you out on it. But that’s because Rarity is shown as liking fashion in the show, so it contradicts canon in an explicit way.
Maybe I’m exaggerating this a little bit, or being overly dramatic. I don’t know. The point is: this is not even about Celestia anymore, I think. This is about a lot of stuff that people are unhappy with. Twilight being an alicorn, Flash Sentry existing, Twilight being a Princess but not having any apparent authority, Celestia not being omniscient, Luna openly admitting she dislikes heavy metal. The list goes on and on and on, brah.
See a pattern? They’re all new things. Things that weren’t there at the start.
This is not about actual criticism. This is about change, about nostalgia.
At some point in life, every change is perceived as derivative, because you’re used to shit going one way and now it goes the other way and what the fuck do you mean, “Disco music is not cool anymore”. Fuck you. Fuck you. I just—don’t talk to me. Don’t fucking talk to me ever again. Jesus fucking Christ.
And this is normal! It might even be good or whatever, I have no fucking idea. But above it all? This is your opinion. This is not objective. Unless your argument as to why the changes are wrong is based on MORE stuff, then your opinion is only an opinion and has the weight of a feather fart.
Look, I hated Flash Sentry when he appeared. Part of the reason why I did so is because, well, I liked it better when Twilight had no romantic interest. I thought it made things more elegant. I was nostalgic about the times when she was single and ready to mingle. But I also thought the romance was badly written, and could explain you why.
So, was that opinion subjective? Yes. However, I weighted said opinion against some more obejctive arguments, to see if I was wrong or right. And then I used that as a ground for criticism. Sure, I was still biased, but I was at least trying to make a point. Also, Flash Sentry is a cunt, so like. You get me.
But a lot of people dislike the new stuff just because it’s new, and they don’t elaborate past that. This makes sense, but it means fuck-all when you’re talking to a writer. He's just there to write, man, and he's got his own ideas. I get that a lot of people liked Celestia better when she was mysterious and we could imagine her as all-powerful, or even a literal god. I get that the show peaked at Season Two, and that Seasons Three and Four were… controversial. I get that, for some, this change is derivative.
But, uh. Is there any actual, grounded reason why an all-powerful Celestia is objectively better than a more grounded, flawed one?
‘Cause, shit.
I can’t think of any.
Try as you might, but this shit’s got the words “personal opinion” written all over it. Call me a freak, but you’re not gonna have sex with me if you act like this, brosephanie. This sweet ass is not gonna kiss you goodbye if you walk that road. I’ve got standards. Low, sure. I just fucked a tree. But standards nonetheless.
The show has changed, Celestia has changed, and you’re perfectly entitled to prefer her past interpretation over the one we have now – but you are not entitled to force this interpretation onto others.
Every character is flawed, really. It’s foolish to expect them to always be reasonable, always take the most logical option, and never make any mistakes. This might happen – there are some killer stories out there that have characters that never really do anything wrong – but it’s not mandatory.
Some people confuse genuine, reasonable in-story mistakes with the author being an asshole, but that might not be the case. Just because the character is an idiot, or an immoral monster, doesn’t mean the author is the same.
Ugh. The more I think about this issue, the more complex it gets. This has to do with nostalgia, with reader trust, with people mistaking headcanons for actual canon material… Just like my penis, it’s endless, and it makes girls cross their legs and fan themselves with her hand.
Doesn’t mean I’m going to give up, mind you. See, I believe you simply can’t have an all-powerful entity solve every problem. You can’t expect your favorite character to just do whatever and make the fucking plot a non-issue. Stories have conflict, that’s what moves the story forward. “But Celestia could just zap away every monster!” Shit, or maybe she can’t. We don’t know. The show sure doesn’t think that, so why should the author do this? If, in-story, it’s established that this can’t happen, then… Why should it happen?
You know what’s a good definition for a dramatic story? “An exercise in frustration”. Giving the readers what they want immediately can work sometimes, but most of the time, it doesn’t. I get that, as a reader, you want the characters to be happy. You see a misunderstanding, or the characters struggling against a foe, and you want them to win. Because you’re invested.
But if they fix it all, the story ends. And maybe the characters can’t fix it all, because A) the plot doesn’t work that way, and B) the characters literally cannot do that for reasons that are explained in-universe.
(Actually, this is a good thing to talk about. Write it down for a later blog, yo.)
Wait, I think I just – see this? This thing I said? I just realized that's why this annoys me so much. Because this specific complain shows a total lack of understanding on how stories work in two different ways:
• From a metanarrative point of view, what you’re asking for here is called an “anticlimax”. The name itself means “the opposite of an orgasm”, so you can see why it’s bad. It breaks momentum and it ends the story prematurely. Nobody is left satisfied with this. You’re developing a threat, a conflict to—NEVER MIND, THE MAGICAL FLYING IMMORTAL ALIEN JUST POOPED A LOVE POTION, WE'RE DONE.
• From a narrative point of view, Celestia is not necessarily an omnipotent character. She might be, if you write her that way. She might not be, if you don’t write her that way. Depends on which interpretation you prefer.
Is this petty? This feels petty. I think I’m being petty.
But whatever, honestly. This applies to other issues of similar nature – I’m sure that if you’re a writer, you can somehow relate to this tirade I’m throwing here. It’s one thing when the story establishes Celestia as all-powerful, and then does fuck-all with it. That’s a plot hole. It’s another thing when the story doesn’t establish Celestia as God without a beard.
‘Cause that’s just not the standard anymore. You might write her that way, but not everybody does, and that’s not a mistake. If the story doesn’t say Celestia is all-powerful, then Celestia is not all-powerful. If you assume automatically that she’s omnipotent, then you’re headcanoning. Which is nice! But don’t insult the author over it.
‘Cause it’s a dumb thing to do, really. It shows a bad attitude, and some weird misconception on how a story or a character works. And, also, seeing how the show itself doesn’t see Celestia as an end-all for every problem, it shows a weird misunderstanding of canon too.
Sigh. I’ve rambled a lot here, I believe. But the point still stands.
It’s just—
Remember that time Celestia beat Chrysalis without even trying? And then revealed everything that’s ever happened in the show has been part of her plan? And then she flew around Equestria solving every problem and Luna popped out and gave you a blowjob?
No?
Well, shit. I wonder why.
Christ, ages since I posted a blog that's just funny instead of trying to be preachy. Next time, I swear. Sorry 'n shit.
All I can ask is, what's in a forest that is legitimately worse to fuck than a tree? c.c
It's funny, though. So much hash gets made about Celestia's loss to Chrysalis, and I've never had a problem with both accepting it and continuing to see Celestia as the most powerful being in Equestria. Strong, pure love just put Chryssy on the same power level as her, and Celestia's not used to being defeated so she kind of choked and fucked up. Explains how Princess Slutpuppy and her boy toy could blast the thing what blasted Celestia out of the kingdom so easily: love conquers all. Which I guess means Cadence is the strongest alicorn and now I have to go lie down. ._.
When did Luna hate heavy metal?
That is usually how a normal person should reason, and lack of that is part of where we get flame wars and the like. Sometimes if you just sit down and thing why am I mad, you're realise that you shouldn't actually be mad at all.
Like anything, it depends on execution. Any 'all-powerful' character is best played with an air of mystery, or reserved wisdom that they hold away out of the main character's reach either for their own purposes of to better the protagonist.
Assume she could. Now ask yourself if she should?
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Aragon?(no need to punch me, I know where the shark-pit lies *does backflip off the verandah*)
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I think that wasn't intended to be serious.
All I can say for the poor saps who thought their headcanon was the universe in regards to My Little Pony:
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/954/204/820.jpg
I mean, characters in a made-up show can and will be imagined being this or that, depending on what the story floating in any particular head might call for. People need to get over it.
At least you didn't molest a bush.
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Okay -- I thought maybe it was Principal Luna during the Battle of the Bands.
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A porcupine
Hmm...
Idea brewing...
Assuming she doesn't isn't very safe either. I learned that the hard way.
I will never look a chihuahua the same way again.
OHMYGOSH THAT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL HOW DARE YOU SIR!
*cough*
Was it at least a nice tree? Good size, still got all its leaves, not too gnarled? Answer carefully, because if you have shit taste in trees, even other treefuckers will spit on you.
Now awaiting god empress celestia: one punch mare.
There's the school of thought that Celestia has no middle gear, being either subtle conniver or DROP A FUCKING SUN ON YOUR HEAD with no grounds in between. I actually quite like that one. She could win any right she found herself in, but at the cost of reducing a few tens of square miles to molten slag, at which point you have to wonder if it was worth winning in the first place.
And that's why she lost to chrysalis.
It's a theory, anyway.
HOWEVER! I have in fact had a similar sort of thing to the thing you thinged about in your thing! And because it's about three years old now, I feel safe in linking to it for your general amusement. It's not restricted to princesses (though, in an ironic twist, this is about princesses): sometimes people just can't accept ideas that deviate from their own.
I can deal with different interpretations of Sunbutt easily (Even if they are wrong)
.
What gets my goat is the show itself seems to have 0 idea how to handle her to the point it feels like her existing characterization leads to the conclusion of 'How the fuck did she not lose the throne 950 years ago' with how many times she's rolled over for the villain of the week.
A poem about fucking a tree:
There is a lovely tree I know
Whose branches hang so sweet and low,
Whose apples are so crisp and tasty:
I savor them, am never hasty.
He tells me no pony but I
Can be the apple of his eye,
For he is mine, and mine alone,
No matter what AJ intones.
I love to climb upon his trunk
And pick some thick bough as my bunk.
I'll lie within his crown all day;
I'm rocked to sleep when branches sway.
And sometimes when I feel like rutting
I'll find a limb that is out jutting.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-AGCg3s81NlE/UBuJtf1FBuI/AAAAAAAAAmI/4M5npJshGos/s1600/IMG_3017ps.jpg
Preach, PREACH! I've been saying this stuff for years. Can you imagine if the Season 6 Opener was a fanfic, the author would probably have gotten death threats for making Celestia and Luna get their asses handed to them by clouds.
Celestia lost because the show isn't about her.
That's basically it.
However. There are things that make good stories, and there are things that are simply arms being jerked behind a character's back in order to make a certain story work. Unfortunately I see Celestia usually falling into the latter category than the former.
I mean, nobody even really cared in universe that Chrysalis beat Celestia. Nobody said "Oh my gosh, the force that raises the sun and gives us life has been defeated! What do we do now?!" because Celestia, ultimately... wasn't important during and then after the season 2 finale. Her only real "story role" was to spout the morals and nudge Twilight to finding the morals. Now that we don't have flat-out aesops anymore, her part in the entire show has been done with for five years.
Because the show is made to entertain "little girls," not to actually have good stories. There is a major difference.
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She's not though because she didn't even bother to use love against Tirek because that episode was made to sell Rainbow Power and her love didn't do shit against Sombra until Spike could be the hero. :V
Well I came for random disturbing imagery just didn't think it would come from you.
4327681 It's Aragon. Disturbing mental images for the sake of comedy are a given at this point.
That's enough. Decent omelets are damn hard to come by.
Had a guy go absolutely ape-shit in the comments of The Luna Cypher over the idea that Celestia might manipulate her subjects, or be anything less that 100% pure and honest. I finally had to block him, and several of his friends who joined the dog-pile. So, none of this comes as a surprise to me.
On the other hand, I was excoriated for not having every character in The Twilight Enigma immediately recognize the obvious truth that changelings are good and wonderful creatures who only kidnap, entomb, mind-rape, and suck the love out of ponies because that's their nature, and that means they can't help themselves, and therefor it's okay... (about thirty pages of that shit.) ...etc.
Aaaaand, the season 6 finale pretty much proved that those frothing-at-the-mouth types were right. So... fuck.
Didn't one of the comics (the Friends Forever with her and Spike) have Celestia admitting that she could have solved all the problems that came along but she wanted other ponies to get off their lazy asses and do something for themselves for a change? Maybe she is a god and she's just bored as fuck and messing around with everypony.
Come to think of it, that scenario might explain a whole lot about the real world. I mean... president Trump?
Super long blog post goes against my Aragon head-canon.
Glad to hear that E-R-A-G-O-N.
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pbs.twimg.com/media/ClcHGYgUkAAMk8K.jpg
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Long? Hah! This post is barely 3k words! I've written blogs that were over twice that length! Young'uns these days...
Since when?
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Made even more hilarious by the fact I am almost 100% certain I am older than you
To be fair, though: I suspect that most of them aren't actually asking for the 'logical' shortcut. They want the author to take a step further back and construct the story in such a way that the shortcut cannot be sensible in the first place.
Not that it excuses the behaviour, because then it's less of "I want an anticlimax!" and more of "I want you to climax using my fetish instead of yours!"
On another note... Oh man, I remember one user who went berserk when the author used Ditzy instead of Derpy and refused to capitulate to his demands to change it.
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Point here, though, is that in the story proper, that shortcut is not possible to begin with. The author doesn't have to take a step back or anything. In the fic, Celestia isn't an all-powerful god, so what they're demanding is impossible. They just want it to be possible, because it's their headcanon and not how the story (or the show) explain the alicorns. And if you point that out, they flip a shit.
It's a weird mix of circular logic and idiocy, yo.
Saitama, the One Punch Man is an overpowered character that can beat everything. However, people like him anyways. The reason is because the story is not about a journey to defeat the big bad, but rather it's about how he can't enjoy fighting and constantly hopes to find an opponent who can match him. That is an example of setting up a character who is immensely powerful and actually doing something with it. It is an example of the overpowered character done right, and this is related to some section where you talked about if someone sets Celestia up as all powerful.