I wanted to write something ridiculous. · 6:53pm Oct 25th, 2016
T-rated language (I'm not sure this is something you have to point out, but since I don't think I've used that in other posts, I'll leave this little line here just in case.)
I have a new internship at a pretty swell place, and my Battletech flight jacket just arrived. This should be a good week, but it’s been pretty bad. That’s because the decision was just made; my cat is going to be put down.
12 years of company from what could very well be the world’s most loving and gentle pet. People say that cats are indifferent to humans, that they only tolerate us as long as we provide them with food, and that we don’t really matter to them. I don’t buy that. If that was the case, she wouldn’t call out whenever she has a nightmare and not fall asleep until you come and tuck her in; true story.
But she’s old, and she’s had pretty serious-seeming stomach-problems for about a year now. She also injured her leg from a freefall about two years ago, and it was never the same. Now it’s swollen and she’s in constant pain.
She’s still here, curled up and sleeping right next to me, and while I love having her here, it also reminds me of how much I’m gonna miss having her jump up into my bed, chirp a ‘goodnight’, and lie down and purr next to me... occasionally snoring lightly.
I’m gonna miss you, kitty.
Edit 2016-10-27: Her leg suddenly got so very bad, and she was put down just now. Still gonna try and make the next chapter available tomorrow.
But you guys don’t care about that. I have some news for you, though. The good news is that the next chapter of MLAABQ is nearly done. It’s complete, and half-edited. The bad news is that it’s gonna be a short one. Like, just shy of ten thousand words or something. If anything is gonna delay my writing, it’s probably not gonna be the death of my cat. Worse things have happened and I’m still writing this little story.
Anyway, I decided to try and cheer myself up with something comical. I have this little conga line of stories that I’m pretty sure I wanna write someday, but which I’m not sure I’m skilled enough to do. And in case you didn’t know, MLAABQ started out as a practice-session.
So, like with my last blog-post, I thought I’d try and turn some of my concepts into something like demos.
I’ve read blog-posts before about story-ideas that are ‘up for grabs’. People just sprinkling story-ideas in posts that no one ever seems to read, or at least respond to. I don’t laugh when I see that, though. I mostly go ‘poor guy’. This might happen to me now, actually.
Now I’m gonna do something like that myself. Here’s a story-idea. I’m not saying ‘please, someone write something like this’, and neither am I saying ‘this is my idea, don’t steal’. I just got the, possibly childish, idea that some people might get a chuckle out of this.
This isn’t my best or craziest idea, but it might be the most absurd one. Also, I’d like to point out that I haven’t read Your Human And You for ages, and I’m not sure what’s happened since I did.
So here we go. Concept-demo for ‘Your Displaced And You’, in which our hero gets access to the Gamebryo script console (Cred to MadMaxTheBlack, natch, and whoever came up with the displaced-idea, if that’s something anyone can claim):
I am not going back into that cage, Gene thought, as he backed away from the slowly approaching ponies though lightly forrested plains.
“Come on, big boy,” the mare said, grinningly, the net in her magical aura slowly rising up to a good tossing-position. “Healthy human like you’s gonna fetch a good price, armed and trained and all. Still got your dick left, too.”
“How in tartarus they managed that, I wish I knew,” the stallion with the cudgel said. “Never been able to get a human to wear anything out of metal without them going thestral-shit crazy. That design don’t look pony-like, neither. Minotaur-stuff maybe.”
The metal they were talking about was Gene’s cosplay-outfit. The design was lacking in many ways, but despite the weight, being partially covered in steel had literally been a life-saver for gene after he had landed in a world of enslaving, malicious, and geld-happy ponies.
Gene had come to understand why the myth of vikings having horns on their helmets was just that before he arrived, however. The Nords of Skyrim were free to try and fight in these things if they wanted, he had removed them at the earliest opportunity.
He was also happy that this didn’t happen to him during the con the year before. Back then, his Skyrim iron armor (which was made out of steel) had been woefully lacking in padding, and he couldn’t wear it for more than an hour before his shoulders loudly protested.
Letting out a silent whimper, for that was the only whimper he could let out, Gene fearfully looked at the approaching ponies.
“Gotta come up with something after we get him,” the stallion said. “He somehow bent the bars of the cage with only a pair of soiled pants. I wouldn’t be able to think up that.”
“We could break his fingers,” the mare suggested. “That should keep him from trying anything long enough. The royal research-association might be interested in him. They got cash, and they can probably fix him up, too.”
Gene’s eyes widened, and beads of sweat threatened to obscure his eyes.
Oh, please no. What sick fuck took my voice at a time like this!? I’m not like those shaved chimps back in the wagon! Please, just stay away. FUS ROH DAH! Crucio! Come on! This is fantasy-world, something’s gotta work! I.D.D.Q.D! Toggle grass!... wait, what?
All present humans and ponies came to an abrupt halt. Two normal-sized eyes and four huge ones widened as they looked around. All around them, in a radius of several hundred yards, all grass immediately and unceremoniously winked out of existence, leaving only bare soil.
“What the hay?” the stallion said.
Gene’s eyes, however, slowly narrowed as a cheshire-grin grew beneath them.
... I know this, he thought, and slowly started to chuckle, in a way that only a devilish brew of desperation, fear, relief, and madness can provoke.
The ponies looked at Gene in wonder and surprise as their equipment slowly settled on the ground.
Gene’s smile looked like it could split his head when he pointed a finger at the mare.
Target, set actor-value, movement-speed…. zero.
“What... the... buck... just happened?” she asked, gesturing with her head towards her surrounding.
The stallion took a moment to shake his head, before looking back at the human. “I have no idea, but weird things keep happening around this guy. Let’s get him,” he said, and started advancing again.
After a few seconds, he looked back at the mare, who stood there, looking down at her hooves in alarm.
“Come on! What are you waiting for?” he barked.
“I… I can’t move!” she shrieked, as she walked in place.
“What the— yes you can! Now come on!”
No, she can’t. Not in the way you think, Gene sing-songed in his head.
The stallion turned towards the human with murder in his eyes. “Do you have something to do with this!?” he barked. “Come here! I’ll break your legs!”
Yeah, good luck with that. Target, set scale, point zero five.
Without anyone even having time to blink, the top of the stallion’s head now just barely reached the mare’s fetlock. He was lucky all the grass was gone, or he might never have been found.
“What the buck!” A squeaky voice called.
The mare looked down at the stallion in shock, before turning ahead with fear in her eyes.
The human was gone, though. running down a hill, with his arms flailing in the air like a madman.
Keeeee-kekekekekeke!
It hurts, but at least she won't suffer anymore. Just remember the good times. As for the story idea, it seems... interesting. Could be pretty funny.
0.0
Screw that! I came here for the kitty-commisseration! /hug
I suddenly lost mine not long ago, so I know exactly what you'll be going through. If you want to chat, or more e-huggery, feel free to say so.
placeatpc 5,0,0 Merchant
SetCurrentHealth 0
coc "New York City, Earth"
4270815 Well, that's true. She's had a good life here, considering how she's constantly on the hunt for cuddles. And I'm probably never gotta forget the time she climbed into the Yule tree and had a boxing-match with the balls
I hope you got a chuckle out of it, because I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure out how to keep a story like this going for more than five minutes
4270827 Exactly the reaction I was going for
4270832 Aaw, thanks
I like e-hugs.
I think I know what I'm gonna go through, though. This is my second cat, I lost the first when I was 11 or 12. I can count on one hand the number of times I remember crying. That's one of them.
4270833 Oh yeah. I forgot to mention the merchant. Though I'm not actually all that familiar with Displaced-conventions, I only think I've seen one story with him, which I stopped reading pretty early. If he was in my story, it'd be the guy from Resident Evil 4, natch.
Doesn't work. Maybe RealWorld.esm have been unloaded
They usually are.
I actually like this idea, honestly. I think it would make a great crackfic.
Celestia: "It is time to raise the sun!"
Discordkiin: "<set gamehour to 0>"
HorseWorld.BSA is dependent on RealWorld resources. What kind of hack even threw that module together?
I have a bad idea: You could give your MLAAQB protagonist (whose name i never remember) a clone of your cat, it would be a way to keep the cat around in memory while giving them additional relatable personality traits via using your emotions and experience as the fuel.
4270848
Ah, shit. Here I thought that would be original.
*Early morning at Sweet Apple Acres*
): toggle trees!
Discordkiin(ooh, I like that name
Applejack steps ouf on the porch: *Yaaaaw—* "What in the hay?"
Mmmmmmmmmerriweather Williams?
4270851 Aaaw
Gabrielle Eleanor Desrochers is gonna have to have two pets, then. She's gonna tame a cragadile and ride around on it. 'Cept not
4270856
Discordkiin: "<set timescale to 0>"
Discordkiin: "The night shall last forever!"
4270861
Well, I often prefer fiction when it's of an extreme quality- good and bad. Which is why I actually enjoy the Star Wars prequels
Yeah... I might continue with this. I've never written any crackfics, and I've barely read any, either. I could take a look at some, and see if I get some ideas and sense of appropriate pacing and stuff.
<set timescale to.... 3000!>
*a air of worried guards carefully goes into Celestia's chambers, where their princess is just looking out the window at the seconds-long days going by, completely catatonic from shock*
"Uuh. Are you alright, Majesty?"
Think I've read that been done twice in fics. First I think it was Clueless in Equestria sequels where he designed spells using code, the other I can't remember.
If
Twilight Sparkle (Book Page > 1)
Then
Twilight Sparkle (Book Page = 1)
End if
4270873
It's not exactly a crackfic, but if you would like an idea of the kind of story that I think does "absurd crazy situations" humor well, I recommend reading this story:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/163879/i-dream-of-luna
It isn't terribly long, but it is one of the most completely laugh-out-loud funny stories I've ever read here. As a little advance peek: it has Nightmare Moon build a Moon Palace that spells out "Celestia is a cunt." Yes, I am very, very juvenile.
This blog contains a few more off-site stories that I think do the same thing very well: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/674375/some-of-my-favorite-stories
4270876 Ooh. I haven't read that far. I remember that Rodney from Shackles and Friendship coded magic, though. Which I thought was funny, especially since he used C++ code.
I'm kinda proud of how it works with a Skyrim-displaced. The Dragonborn's thing is that he can shout magic, which would be pointless if you can't speak, I guess. But he got the much more potent power from the game, possibly the most potent power ever: A command console!
It is, after all, part of the game.
4270881 Ooh. Thanks for the advice. I know Naked Gun-style rapid-fire comedy, but I'm not sure I've ever seen it in print. So this is gonna be interesting.
4270887
If Disco Laser Cheerilee doesn't make you die of laughter, nothing will.
4270892 That's a... rather comforting statement, really
Just for fun, this is a Proper Visual Perspective silly nitpick:
Several hundred = ~300 units; Yard = 3 feet; So grass dissapeared in ~900 feet in every direction? Is that how large a segment of environment is effected in Fallout? If not then A hundred yards would be big enough to be similarly impactful while still allowing the actors in the scene to see anf and know that yes the grass did dissapear in a radius, elsewise only the audience knows that detail.
This has been a Silly Nitpick. Thanks for letting me have my fun!
P.S. To give this story idea a dark/sad drama moment, just have the protagonist belatedly realize that he does not know the values for respawning a specific equestrian NPC he may have accidentally caused the death of.
4270899
The toggle commands in the Gamebryo games (Fallout, Oblivion, Morrowind) affect the entire world. Toggling grass will make all grass disappear, everywhere. That would be a bit too overpowered for a story like this, though. Since it's just grass, not something really important or powerful, a circle of a few hundred meters seems alright to me.
4270899 Yeah, I wrote something at random, though I suppose I could say that it depends on draw-distance
Third person omniscient
You're very welcome
Well, maybe they've upgraded to the Creation engine. That way, he might be able to use the 'help'-command in those cases
4270905 Hmm. I wonder of the mirror pool in the Pinkie-episode simply triggers a spawn-function
4270912
With AI toggled off. That's totally the kind of thing a Displaced story would do.
4270915 Oh, god. Imagine an army of Twilights that acts like the Pinkie-clones
<reset quest Stop Nightmare Moon>
4270887
Here is the title for your story then:
"A Nerevarine Displaced"
4270918
target Celestia, SetMaximumMagicka 0
target Chrysalis, SetIllusion 0
4270920 I liked DiscordKiin, though
4270921 Target seapony set actor value waterbreathing 0
4270918
4270915
I get it, the ai-less Mirror Pool would spawn duplicates who can do nothing but play through the list of idle and traveling animations at random and only speak in preset conditional voicelines.
Alternate Idea: mirror pool twilight clones would speak like the Twilight Sparkle Hasbro toy.
4270931
Nah, that wouldn't be funny. I think there was a command that lets you swim through air, though. Flying fishes! He really is the Discordkiin. Lingon berry saran wrap Strudel!
4270931
???????
I made up that title on the spot, who are you speaking of?
4270936
I came up with Discordkiin for a joke a little further down. It's a pun on Dovahkiin.
4270933
Oh, man. I've seen stories that treat the Mane 6 like this. "Are you a spy!?" "Darling." "Ten seconds flat." "Oatmeal? Are you crazy!?"
It's so easy to visualize
Man. I gotta go to bed, soon, but this is fun
4270934 Now I want a command for how to spawn items in the world.
Got a sweet tooth, don't you, sunbutt? Have some!
<spawn 1000000 sweet rolls target Celestia>
4270962
There is a series of subtitled videos on Youtube by a guy called Criken, called "The Good, the Bad and the Dovahkiin." It makes fun of Skyrim engine bugs and shows off some of the more ridiculous things you can do in that game. You might get some interesting ideas from that.
Plus, they're fucking hilarious.
4270962
You got me thinking in terms of Ark: Survival Evolved now...
GiveItemNumber [ID] [quantity] [quality]
"Hi, Celestia."
"Hello, my little human, how does this morni-"
"GiveItemNumber eight seventy-three, ten thousand, one hundred!"
*Celestia gets buried in a mountain of sweet rolls*
Set the quality to zero, and it would be a mountain of baked bads!
Works well on ponies too.
SpawnDino [ID] [distance] [y-offset] [z-offset] [experience level]
"Nooooooo! Derpy! You can't be dead! SpawnPony eighty-seven, fifteen, zero, zero, one hundred!"
"I'm not dead, silly!"
"Yay!"
"Wait, what's my body doing on the ground behind-"
"Nothing! Totally not you! Don't worry about it! Let's go get ice cream!"
4270965 Bookmarked
"Elk > Imperial Guards" - Well, duh!
4271047 I thought that was some multiplayer-only game. You can't have a command console there, can you
The ending of the story could be pretty abrupt when the protagonist figures out what he needs to do to get home: <go to quest target> -> press the thing. Repeat
Ýou, Shachza, and me should totally cooperate on a story like this. That would be a thing for the ages.
4271070 I'm game, if you can put up with someone with a swamped schedule
I'm sorry to hear about your cat. Cat's get a lot of shit for being the psychopathic murderers of pets, but they are undeniably some of the nicest sorts out there.
... And a displaced with console powers sounds absolutely magical. Of all the silly premises those stories have spawned, why hasn't that emerged?
I just lost my ~13 year old cat in March or April, so I know that feel.
Picked up a little, malnourished, one-eyed kitten at the rescue place, and he just curled up in my arms and started purring. Took a nap in my lap, when I got him home. Never fought me when I had to put antibiotics on his bad eye. Got into the habit of curling up inside my arm, and sleeping with his head on my shoulder every night. He was smart, intuitive, and loved everyone in the immediate family. I miss him.
addfac 5c84d 1
setrelationshiprank player 4
player.setrelationshiprank player 4
help (name)
setessential (ID) 1
setscale 4
pony is now your giant, indestructible follower/mount.
4271060
Ark is almost always advertised as a multiplayer survival game, but it can be played single player. The commands work fine for single player or for admins of private servers (or those they designate).
4271091 Cats are just as loving as dogs. They just got more authority and aplomb than dogs
Why hasn't it happened yet? I dunno. You'd think it would considering all the other crazy ideas on this site
Glad you think it sounds good, though.
4271552 Aw, you got one at a rescue place, too? Mine was about a year old when I did, I think, and I think she had been mistreated where she came from, considering how frightened and skittish she was. But she eventually calmed down around me, and then she became very reluctant to be anywhere where I wasn't. Still painfully shy around strangers even now, though, and only sleeps in my bed or spots I've been sitting on long enough
And what happens when ride it into an almost vertical cliff wall? It climbs that shit!
Man, I thought being unable to relocate yourself in the wilderness sounded like a nightmare. Having a troll controlling who is your friend and who is your enemy could be some really dark shit... in some other story
4271792 Huh. I might check that out then. I distinctly remember there being a midriff and cleavage on the cover...
4272119
Just remember that it is a survival game, so there really isn't a plot to follow (yet?) and it ends whenever you get bored. It can be exceptionally frustrating even when you know what you're doing - most things can and will try to kill you - and many of the "later game" things are really meant to be taken on by a coordinated group of players.
But it's also just so cool to ride around on dinosaurs and use them to carve out your little castle/mansion/treehouse/whatever.
4272128 Well, I really like The Long Dark, even in its alpha-state. No plot, and everything there is trying to kill you as well... except rabbits and caribous. Wolves, bears, the weather, lack of food, lack of water, lack of warmth, lack of sleep, wolves, gravity, dysentery, food poisoning, blood loss, wolves, infections... intestinal worms.
4272140
That actually sounds like more things than Ark. Ark's primarily food/water, weather, and then any creature that can bite you (though there some swamp leeches are infected...). And there are lots of things that can bite in unique and interesting ways. Like giant snakes that, if they bite you, will make you go to sleep so they can bite you more. And swarms of insects that will gang-bite your stamina and you. Or small groups of raptors that will bite-rush you from all sides. Or... or... or...
It's great!
4272194 Oh, I hope you can collect video clips of all the possible ways to die, like in Fade To Black and Fear Effect. I miss those.