Behind the Avatar: My current life

I've decided to create a blog series to explain what I'm like behind the avatar. Because I can.

Well let's see, in real life I'm in the awkward situation of living with my parents. Yes that's right, living with my parents.
My ex room mate was a complete nut job, made my life, miserable and had my PTSD (story will explain) triggered nonstop for the 8 months we shared a house. This person had no experience living alone, where I had spent all of college renting my own place while paying for school. And acted like they knew everything.

This special piece of work loved to give the cold shoulder, got angry over nothing, traumatized my cat, filched some of my stuff, tried to break into my safe, and lied about everything. The jerk could do no wrong in their eyes, full on gaslighting was the favored game. Worst yet funniest part? This person made 36k a year to my 19k, and couldn't pay half of 690$ for a two floor 2100 square foot rental home. Nor were they satisfied with only living in half of it, they tried to take over my floor. They also owe me 900$ six months later. The worst part though, was this mystery smell.

The entire time I lived there my ex room mate claimed it was from my floor. So I cleaned my floor constantly and it remained. About two months before I left, I found out where it was really coming from. The bottom floor of the house (ex room mates floor) had always been a mess. Like they had moved in but never actually unpacked. And once every few months they would make a show of cleaning it, garbage bags full of stuff would be outside. My first clue should of been the amount of incense and air fresheners down there. I saw them every time I went to the garage. Turns out without the air fresheners that floor stank of rotten sewage meets hockey bags after a game. It was so bad I ran upstairs and puked in the toilet. I have video and pictures of it, not that it matters. I still can't believe I lived above that for eight months, there was food so old the mold had mold, and flies had colonized it! The smell was never me, and just remembering it makes me want to barf.

Imagine this but all over a 1000 square foot floor, plus ancient stank laundry, bags and bags of trash, open bottles and food everywhere. Video game system and flat screen smart TV was the cleanest space, but everywhere around it looked like a dumpster had puked all over the floor. The smell cannot be described..it was so bad.

When I left that place I was given a one and a half week notice via text by my ex room mate; who had lied to the landlord about finding another room mate after I left. Currently most of what I own is stuffed in a shed, waiting to be sorted and sold or re boxed. I also lost my security deposit, and part of what is owed is the half my ex room mate never paid me back. It took me till late April/May 2016 to semi recover from that living situation, I'm still recovering from it actually. So that is why I live with my parents right now, well actually that's only part of the story.

In the past year and a half I have had three part time jobs and one internship. I've done multiple pro bono works, created stories I haven't published, and attempted (and failed) at gofundme. With a shiny piece of paper saying I'm damn good at what I do, and a portfolio that proves it, there are days I want to break down and cry. When I graduated I had an internship of my dreams lined up, before it fell through due to budget cuts along with all the other internships and student jobs. This happened in April 2015, three months after I graduated, and the month before I was going to start. It hit me hard, and that was part of why I joined FIMfiction. The other part was watching a story reading on Youtube, and realizing there was a fandom around. I read through the entire Pony POV series in two weeks. That was also the first time I was forced to move back in with my parents, before moving out into the situation mentioned above. At the time I was in a bad place, it's probably part of why I fell into the toxic friendship with the psycho who would be my room mate, and now ex room mate.

Let me tell you guys a secret.
I'm really good at putting on a happy face. I can crack jokes, laugh, do comedic routines, be encouraging, and seem like I am perfectly fine. But there are times, where I'm struggling to hold on inside. It's like my entire world is fracturing into pieces, and all I want to do is sleep in my realm of dreams and never return. I often despise myself for being a failure at life, because by my standards I am. As I type this, I'm looking around at this living situation and trying not to break down again. It isn't a Cluster B, C, or A thing it's something far more pervasive. It's the result of a brilliant, determined, yet terminally ill little child; setting goals so they have to will them-self to live to achieve them. Then you don't die (medical miracle), recover perfectly, and all those things you willed yourself to survive for? It's like merely for living life decided to slap you and laugh in your face. What makes me hurt the most is thinking about where I am in life, because it hurts so badly. It makes me think "Why did I have survive? Why couldn't that disease have just offed me like it should have?".

It doesn't stop me from doing things I enjoy, but it's like I can't be truly happy unless I succeed, or go somewhere new. It's so ingrained into my psyche as my reason to exist, that at some level I feel if I don't succeed I've not only failed myself; but wasted a chance I shouldn't have had in the first place to live.
When that feeling strikes, a part of me wishes that chance had gone to some other terminally ill kid..maybe they could of done better?

Offline it's been suggested by many people (random folks, not just friends) that I should do stand up. I am very often mistaken for a comedian, who gets paid. As I've noted before, I really should find a way to get to a comedy club one of these days.
The dark stuff I mentioned above is part of what drives my comedy, since I've been in a terrible place I find it easy to laugh at it. And thus I can make other people laugh, it's like magic! Comedy is Magic!

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Anyway back to the jobs thing, I live in a state with a hyper saturation in my field. My goal is to save enough money to move elsewhere, and work contract gigs. The problem is it's hard to find even part time work, I live right outside a city/college hub and competition even to work retail is fierce. My solution has changed from just move to a new state to something far more fun, and hopefully it will help me to feel more alive too.

That idea? Cross country possibly trans world portfolio building, art creating, photo taking, gemstone digging, jobs tour.
Fancy name for I'm going to wing it and road trip! Only thing I need is my car repaired, stuff sold (maybe published), passport, some tools, and a new nice camera. At this point in my life this is the only thing that seems like it could work. Sure it sounds crazy, but I'm running out of options, so why the heck not? Road Trip!!!

Like this but in a twenty year old green BMW convertible coupe.

As for my personal life, I suck at dating. Though I've had an S/O we split up amicably awhile ago. I'm a minority sexuality, so I get to choose out of maybe 500,000 people on the planet who aren't hooked up yet that are in my orientation. Or anybody not in my orientation I'd date would have to be in a poly relationship, I've explained this in an earlier blog.

I have a cat, because all authors have a pet of some kind even unpublished ones.
My interests are varied, I love extreme outdoor sports, I make stuff, and I'm a very safe driver I swear.

If I don't get my coffee or tea every day, things get ugly. I must have my tea or coffee! Or heads shall roll!

Not my artwork^ credit to the newsrepublic.

Eventually, preferably soon, I want to start an off the grid sustainable housing community empire, that's affordable for all. My goal is to end up with communities all across the globe, where people of all types and walks of life can live together. And not have to choose between food or rent. College students, professionals, artists, writers, start up owners, new home buyers, all generations all types of people. There will be rules, but those who couldn't have a home otherwise will have a nice one they can afford.
I've already built the plans for six of these things, I'll still be writing here when this happens but I figured I'd share one of my dreams.
There are so many I want to create, so many things that most say I'm crazy to attempt, but that means I'm doing something right.
Only the best ideas are called crazy!

Most of my goals revolve around sustainable living and conservation of the environment, that and exploration. And making art, designs, writing books, and more; including the largest mass border party ever! So much to do, but first I have to road trip it.

So that's a peek behind the Avatar, here's some music for those that made it to the end.
It defines my complicated relationship with the negative and dark parts, of my mind and life.

Yes I like Muse..Problem?

Oh and I haven't even touched on my childhood, it's like something out of science fiction or a medical fiction novel!
My mere existence defies all known medical science, I laugh at fate laugh I say.

Glen Gorewood