Inadequacy in Prose · 11:46pm Sep 15th, 2016
Just a heads up, this one is going to be pretty angsty and depressive. I know this might seem like some dumb grasp at attention, but this is just something I had to get off my chest.
Sunset's hand trembled over the page. All she had to do was press the tip down and write that first letter. That's all she had to do. A dozen different words flew through her head. Hello? How are you? This is the last page so I'll keep it short? No, she thought, none of that was good enough.
Nothing she could think of was good enough. Not for this. It had to mean something, she had to write something special for what might be the last time she ever wrote to Twilight. Sunset pushed herself again, bringing the tip of her pen so close that the page could already taste the ink spilling onto it, but her mind screamed at her to stop. This wasn't the time, you don't know what to say, Twilight won't feel how much you care.
The pen dropped from her hand and made a mark against the page next to it. Sunset grit her teeth and let her head fall into her hands. It was too important. All those hundreds of crumpled up outlines sitting around her trash can couldn't help her. The kind words from her friends couldn't help her. Nothing really could. None of them knew the cost of making a mistake now, or how devastated she'd be if she couldn't tell Twilight how she truly felt before being faced with years of silence. Sunset let out a frustrated scream through her clenched teeth. She thought of all the wasted time and wasted space talking to Twilight and how much she needed that now.
She felt her tears run down her forearms, staining her skin to glisten in the soft candlelight before they landed with little wet pats on the page. She closed the book and got up from her desk, not able to look at that last page anymore.
I know I'm not the best writer. Despite almost three and a half years of trying to improve my craft I really don't feel like I'm making any meaningful progress. I never really see my stories pop up in anyone's top favorites--I think I've seen maybe two or three in my entire time on the site, which've been changed by now, I'm sure. I doubt I'm really anyone's favorite author. Why would I be? My writing is so spread out and inconsistent that I can hardly even meet my own lowest standards. I've never once inspired anyone to make some sort of art from one of my stories. After three years I could barely even manage to get two stories over a thousand likes, where some authors could break 2k on their first, and even then it took me more than two years to even get that far.
Sometimes I don't care about all of that. Sometimes I just sit down and let my imagination run away in the long streams of prose for hours at a time. I can only hope that through all of that I can reach through the hundreds or thousands of miles and make some sort of meaningful emotional connection. Other times I'm not so lucky. Other times I see all the work I've done and how little I've accomplished and I think that all I'm doing is wasting my life. All these hours I've spent staring at my streams of words should have been spent doing something else, building a career, or studying a more lucrative major, or just getting out and letting go of these childish fantasies. I must've spent at least a couple thousand hours writing by this point. What if I'd spent that doing something else? Something more productive that might lead me to a better future? What if, what if, what if. Not a day goes by anymore where I don't think I'm wasting my life on a talent that I might not even be that good at.
I know what people think of me. They never say it, but I know. Just another clop writer. All he's doing is appealing to the lowest common denominator for the most attention. Sex sells and all he wants to do is farm as many followers as he can. Hell, I haven't met a single person yet that didn't know me as something other than the dude who wrote that story where Sunset fucked a horse. All that effort spent trying to explore Sunset's emotions, or the siren's lives after losing their mom, or the dead world Sunset stumbled into, and that's the legacy I'm leaving behind? I don't regret writing it or any of my other nsfw stories, but sometimes I wish I could really show that part of my imagination to people instead of automatically labeling me as that generic clop writer. More and more often I start believing them. What else am I really good at?
What does all this really culminate to? Months spent whittling away at a novel I might never publish, dozens of notepad files with little scenes tucked away in them that will never see the light of day. All this time imagining and bringing to life Sunset and her friends. Some days I just think it's wasted time. Some days I think I'll never amount to the writer I want to be, that I'll never really be able to do what I love for a living. Some days I just want to give up entirely.
Three months ago was one of those times. I'd written The Last Page to try and lose myself in a happier world for an afternoon and I thought one of my stories just might have been good enough to get onto EQD. Long story short, I didn't think this writing thing was going to really work out for me. All I was to most people was another throwaway porn author, right? Why even try anymore? That's what lead to another two months away from writing. Every time I sat down to attempt it, it only seemed harder. It was too important. I was going to mess it up. It wouldn't be worth anything to anyone.
This gave me a little hope though. Never would I have thought my top four rated stories could have been safe. Someone else disliked it and now a mature story is back up there, but for a moment I really had some hope that maybe I could make something of myself other than just another generic clop writer. Just for a moment all the inadequacy issues I've been dealing with faded away and I thought I might actually be able to accomplish the dreams I'd created for myself.
Maybe I'll never be someone's favorite writer. Maybe I'll never take up a favorites box on someone's page. Maybe I'll never paint an image in someone's mind so beautiful they just have to draw it.
For now though, I have a character I love to write about and dozens of story ideas to work on. Sometimes that's just enough for me. And hey, maybe someday I can be that name flashing across the screen of someone's favorite movie. Maybe I can put my pen to that last piece of paper and write the one page that matters most and finally make that emotional connection.
>implying you haven't improved.
YOUR STORIES ARE ALWAYS FEATURED! I'd give my life for that.
If it makes you feel better, I don't think I've ever read one of your m rated stories, since my mature filter is typically on. I've read some of your works and like them, though.
Each of your stories have done what you set out to do with me at least I loved each of your works and found them very moving and very well thought out. I really and absolutely hope that you don't give up on either yourself or your writing you brought the character of Sunset Shimmer to a much closer and more personal level than anyone else has or even dared attempt to do. The way you write the character it is as if the character is alive and is an actual person with real feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns and fears. Please what ever you do for now on do one thing and only one thing don't give up on yourself for you are a truly a master at writing and a wonderful author. I very much look forward to reading more of your most wondrous work. And I want to fully let you know that you have truly brought this character into light that few have been able to do. May you always have that spark within you to continue your writing and to continue your work.
You wrote a story about Daring forced to take life and it impacted me deeply. I read it several times while writing the last 150k of The Night is Passing. Why? Because I felt that you had done that moment Justice. I wanted to go back into that moment, crawl into that story and relive the feeling so I could go back to my little equine apocalypse tale and do life and death a little more justice because of it.
I said this recently, but I'll say it again: your prose is delightful. At least as far as I'm concerned. I like it. I like it a lot. On the most basic level it scratches the itch of character-focused/driven narrative and occasional introspection. At the craft level, as a fellow writer, I appreciate how you are willing to take weird ideas, sometimes really weird, and run with them. Play it straight.
Oh! The other one that comes to mind. Sunset the pole dancer. That was damn good. You had me wondering where you were going and you went right where you should have. The acknowledgement and then discarding of the low-level pity in favor of a more holistic compassion was absolutely perfect. Great story. Okay. Back to this--
I don't read clop as much. To be honest sometimes I'm a Victorian. Writing sex is awkward, difficult, uncomfortable. It's weird. Reading it is too, but often in a more aesthetically pleasant way. You do it well. Take that with the salt it needs, from someone who's forays are surprisingly tame and way too sappy, but take it in the spirit it was written also.
I liked "Last Page". I thought it was rather heartfelt and that its sincerity helped it really be meaningful. Sunset's emotion was well rendered and the whole story was rather uplifting. I'm sorry that it's been rough. Sometimes it feels like Sisyphus, doesn't it? You roll the damn Boulder up up up and then they just kick it down.
Heh. Camus--"yet we must imagine Sisyphus happy". For me, fiction is an act of confession. Not necessarily of sin but of Self. It hurts when that confession, that little soul vessel, ends up trashed or even buffeted. That pain is legitimate and it's real. And I'm sorry. It sucks. It really friggin' sucks.
If you want to write--I think you do--then your only recourse, my only recourse, is to write. To continue. To push the god damn Boulder up to the top, watch it fall again, and walk backwards with obscene gestures and grinning defiance. Not because we're arrogant or think too much of our work or ourselves, not because everything we touch is even good
But because goddammit, you've got to survive. If you want to be good, nah, if you want to Create Good Things, then you have to hold onto that hope. You have to imagine Sisyphus happy, because you're only human. Man, you're only human. Being human means you keep chipping at the prison wall until they stop giving you spoons.
Godspeed.
4211570 you'd be surprised. It can have downsides.
Bruh, you got 1000 followers and then some right now. I'm at least 90% sure that what you're doing isn't all for nothing, and I'm 100% sure that your stories never go unappreciated. Hell, I'm trying to write my first story that's not school related this weekend, and I'm going in with a preconceived notion that I am absolute dog ass at writing, but is that stopping me? My point is, you're already on a much higher plane than many people on this site, and if people don't enjoy clop, they never had to read your stories in the first place, now did they? So don't doubt yourself, bro. You have a pretty damn good talent when it comes to writing, and if you want to be a full time author (I don't know if that's the long-term goal you were referring to or not), then I say fuckin go for it. If you try hard enough and believe in yourself, then fuck everyone who says that you can't do it or you're not good enough.
Man, I don't follow generic clop writers. Your stuff -- erotica or not -- has at the least consistently entertained me. You're well on the right side of Sturgeon's Law.
Normally, when I see something like this, I keep my mouth shut. It's very rare that I have anything to say because it is very rare that my experience overlaps with another's in even the slightest. This is one of those rare moments, and I'd like an opportunity to talk about this. Now, before I begin, I acknowledge that we are not the same, and I don't intend to tell you about yourself, or belittle your issues by comparing them to mine, which are smaller and arguably less frustrating. I just want to share.
I think that the only story of yours I've read was Not Like Back Home, and that is entirely my own fault. I know I have several other fics of yours in my Read Laters, but I've not got around to any serious reading at all lately. That said, I could tell from that one fic that you have talent, and a lot of it. I recall reading it, then seeing all the negative comments, and I was utterly perplexed. Regardless of the subject matter, it was a damn fine story. It should be appreciated as that, at the very least.
But I understand your feelings. Wanting to be more than what you're labeled as. This is where I said my experience "overlaps" with yours. For about my first year on this site, my stories were all stupid comedy one-shots, or ship-fics, or a combination of the two. I got into this rut where I felt nothing I wrote mattered. It was all frivolous. I felt like all I was good for was a quick chuckle, or a fleeting moment of "d'aaw", so I set out to write something with more substance. I wanted to prove that I could be good at telling a story that was more than "Character A has a crush for Character B, and wackiness ensues". By the time it was all said and done, I had a story that, at the time, I felt was amazing. It was the biggest project I'd worked on (at the time), and definitely had the most thought. But, still, it wasn't as "good" as my nonsensical crap. I was "Chillbook, that dude that's kinda funny, I guess" or "Chillbook, that hopeless romantic that wrote that romance thing". Like you, I wanted to show that I was more than that. But I couldn't. Nothing I wrote seemed to work unless it had a relationship or a punchline. I haven't quite worked out of that box yet. But I'm trying, and I think I'm getting there, and I think that you should do the same.
I don't think it's hard to decide which of us has more talent or skill; it's obviously you. If I can start this process, you can finish it before I make any tangible progress. I love you, Holy, and I love how much it seems that you love what you do. That's hard to explain, hard to quantify, and impossible to fake. You're doubting yourself, which happens, but you can't let it get you down. If this story doesn't get the reaction you want, you write another. You keep going until it works, because it will. It might not feel like it will, but it will. You can be what you want to be, relabel or recategorize yourself however you so please, because you're just that damn good. I doubt 1,689 people are following you because of a flash in the pan (seriously, I couldn't name 1,689 people for you, that's a ton of people!) Going back to Not Like Back Home, I actually commented on the absurd amount of hate it was giving and you said
That last bit is important to me. That resonated with me a lot, and it's helped me through some rough patches both in my writing and in general life. I hope you apply that attitude to more than just hate, but to yourself. Don't let haters stop you, that's obvious, but what less people realize is that you can't let you stop you, either. You have the most power over yourself, whether you realize it or not.
I hope I didn't come off as too pretentious, but I really wanted to say that. And, for what it's worth, you are one of my favorite authors, just from the few fics I've read. You better believe that I will be going over your bibliography and giving it the time and respect it deserves.
Finally... If that novel of yours does ever release, I'd be mighty happy to hear about it.
I don't know what to say, as I'm terrible with words, but I want you to know that while I DID discover your clopfics first, the deeper, more touching work is what made me stay. Never stop writing and doing what you do, because the people who enjoy your work will always stick around. I know I will.
You had TWO, actually, before I blanked my profile page. Maybe I'll resurrect it for old time's sake
I personally began writing my own fics because I was inspired by you really. The way your stories unfold the plot, the attention to detail, and I am not just talking about the clop fics. Those are great in it's own category, but you safe fics are just as great, maybe even better.
You just have to be patient. People love your work Holy, and I am sure that you can push through any obstacle that is presented in your way. If you need to take a break, do it. If you want to continue writing, do it. You are your own boss after all, and us, your fans, will support you with whatever choice you make.
You are a really talented artist, Every single one of your fics, clop or not clop, is always featured for several days in the main page. Your work is one of the best I have seen, and I am looking forward to reading more of it.
You are my favourite writer, almost all your stories are in my top 10, and I personally think you can do whatever you want if you put your mind into it. Perfection takes time after all, and you my friend, are only a few steps away from achieving it.
You have a lot of good writing talent. Have you considered posting your clop and non-clop stories under two different names, so you won't always be judged the way you feel you currently are?
There are so many things wrong with your mindset. First and foremost is not realizing what you already have. It's hard to see that, for all of us. It's easier to see what we lack. But try, TRY, to see it. You have many followers, Most, if not all your stories, are featured.
There comes a point where the progress we make is hard to notice. It's easier to see it when we're starting. You might not feel it, think it, or see it, but if you're trying to improve, wanting to, then you are, You're not happy with your work? Good, use that as fuel. Do whatever you can, but what you DON'T do, is give up.
I can't really compare myself to you. We're far too different in this field. I'm going to finish writing 2, maybe 3, stories, then I'm done. I don't particularly care if those stories are shit. I hate writing in its entirety. The only reason I'm even writing my stories because I feel it's the only constructive medium that I can use to get rid of my depression without feeling...inadequate. Ironic, huh? You most likely won't listen to what I have been saying before, but I want to get this through to you:
I followed you for a reason. I learned about you first through the clop, yes. But I stayed for more than just clop. Because I enjoyed your writing, whether it be clop or otherwise. And I know many people fel the same way. Think about that. We all questioned our self-worth, probably. But the answer has always been and will always be the same: each and every one of us matters. No one else can make the stories like how you do it. I'll be here waiting for whatever you post next. Let me know what happens with that novel too. I'm curious. I might be blunt, unpleasant, and an asshole. But I care about you. So sorry if I come across that way, but it's simply how I talk. I hate it when someone thinks like how I think. Listen to me and everyone else here. Please.
Please, don't sell yourself short, Holy.
You're a great writer in my book and Little Stars is my top favorite fic on this site. I love the way you present the characters and I always look forward to an update from you. Don't let people label you as "just a clop writer." Hell, even your latest clop A Private Dance had a touching interaction between Sunset and the main character. You are one of the few writers on Fimfiction that gets Sunset right and I love you for it. Don't ever stop doing what you love. 
What? You are definitely one of my favorite authors. I love Little Stars.
And, you know what? Yeah, I am new here. But I know something. There are great authors here, and you are one of them.
In all honesty you are a wonderful author, and one of my personal favorites. I've been meaning to write a review for one of the stories you wrote that I really enjoyed.
Holy, you're one of my favourite authors. I like a lot of your stories, mature and safe. You really shouldn't put yourself down, you're a fantastic writer. I was amazed when I read one of your stories for the first time (Sunshine and Whiskey), yes, there was clop at the end, but the build up to it and the start of it could've been a great story all on its own!
I really want to start writing. Why? Because I wanted to make stories as great as yours, as great as my other favourites. Of course, it'll take me a while and a bit of luck to start to grow but it'd melt my heart to see people enjoying my stories. I'm sure you know hundreds of people love your stories, you're basically guaranteed a couple hundred views. And what colour do you see that like-to-dislike ratio bar filled with? As green as the Irish blood inside of me. Sure, a few might dislike the story, but they're out-shadowed by the people who love it. It's true that no matter how much good you do in your life, everyone will criticize you for the smallest mistake. But you need to ignore them (unless it's actually decent criticism) and focus on the fact that people do love your stories. If I had a top 10 list of my favourite stories on this site, you'd be on there in the blink of an eye.
I have to go to school right now so I'm just going to say this: Don't bring yourself down, nearly 1,700 people decided to follow you. You must be pretty amazing if you can do something like that.
All I'm gonna say is I was introduced to your work via your mature stuff, but it was when I looked through your stories and saw Worn Leather that I actually followed you. I look forward to the M stuff, sure, but I always think of you as "the guy who writes a damn good Sunset" regardless of the rating of the story. Granted, that could be seen as pidgeonholing you a bit, but Sunset is my #2 waifu so meh.
..I've been trying to think about what i could say to this. the words lock up a lot.
I Think i can understand the direction your coming from. see, I often clash with my own inadequacies, like life has passed me by in a lot of ways- i often feel like im just an observer to everything else. Id never change my past because I don't want to alter anyone elses path... but the what ifs dog me as well.
the many plastic models left unbuilt. characters in my head who've gone a decade or more without their stories told. or just feeling like I'm an outsider. what if it wasn't like that? i don't know. But ill tell you what i do know.
When i read The Last Page, i said it kind of hurt for me to read. That's because recently ive had a sudden drop off in contact among the people i talk to. at about the same time, a loneliness period im still contending with hit me as well. The way you wrote Sunset there... I guess i saw some of myself. my own frustration over the people ive lost contact with, wishing I had been better than i was with them- even though in most of these cases we had helped each other a great deal. Sometimes we don't see all the good times because of the bad. that moment she looked back over the conversations and what twilight meant to her reminded me of someone in particular...
You aren't some generic writer. You are Holy. You are Great at what you do, and I think your followers agree. The road may not be easy. but keep it up, and don't be to hard on yourself. I get the feeling that may be a big enemy of yours. Its most definitely mine.
Well. I, for one, did not come for the clop. Worn Leather is a beautiful piece of art in my eyes, it's still one of my favourite one-shots. I haven't read The Last Page yet, but it's on my To-Read list, and I'm sure you won't disappoint
I'm sure there are lot's of people who won't only remember you for the clop stories. You have a very smooth and engaging writing style, I would love to see a longer, more complex story from you.
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If I'm going to be pigeonholed, that would definitely be the way I'd prefer it.
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For my attempts at longer and more complex, I have this, this, and this. Granted, two of them are still clop, but they're all my attempts at it so far. I actually have quite a few longer projects I'm trying to work on right now, but they all seemed to get pushed back and the only one I felt was substantial enough to post was YWKW.
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I've actually thought about it, but I've already mixed both kinds of stories up so much it'd be kind of pointless now.
For what it's worth, I completely forgot about the Sunset fucking a horse story until you brought it up in this blog. The first story that comes to mind when thinking about you is Little Stars, at least for me. Sure you write a lot of clop, but you are one of two authors I could name off the top of my head (the other being Nonagon) who write really really good clop to the point that I came (heh) for the clop but stayed for the story, the emotions, the characters.
Also at least you went out there and did something. I'm just sitting on lots and lots of unfinished notes and half baked ideas that I never turned into even one complete story, much less a published one. If something I did brought joy to thousands of people I wouldn't feel sorry for myself and whine about how not enough people appreciate my work.
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Well, you could certainly call of this whining, but none of this really came from feeling unappreciated. I know a lot of people enjoy my stuff, but, like I said, I just don't feel like I've accomplished all that I should have in the time that I've been trying. I won't lie and say that I've completely cut myself off from enjoying the validation of the people that liked my writing, but none of this really came about from not having enough of it. I'm not trying to fish for attention, I just... don't feel like I'm the writer that I should be by this point.
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That actually means a lot to me and it makes me happy that I inspired you to start writing. I read through your story and you definitely have something promising there. I'm excited to see where you take it.
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I've been trying to give you all individual replies, but I honestly have no idea what to say. Just know that I appreciate the support. It means the world to me that you guys care.
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I gotchu, fam.
:4217594 It's no problem Holy
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Thanks for reading my story. I doubt it will be as good or popular as any of yours, but I will still try.
Keep making fantastic master pieces on your side, go and inspire more people to write hopefully, or just have a good time. Everyone loves your stories after all!
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Don't worry, I don't think that sounded pretentious at all. Thank you for sharing.
It's weird how little notions can affect people, isn't it? When I was a junior in high school, we had this really weird English class. I say it was weird because the professor didn't really seem to care that much about strict guidelines like everyone else had throughout my school years. Instead of giving us strict prompts on exactly what to write, he just gave us something really vague, like inform someone about the similarities and differences between two things, or tell him about something valuable in our lives. No stringent requirements for what needed to be in each and every paragraph or mandatory word counts, just let your imagination go wherever it takes you.
So being the class clown I was, I wrote about the complexities between the types of Resident Evil viruses and parasites along with their specific incidents. I spent more time on that one essay just pretending I was typing a field report on zombie outbreaks than I ever had on any other piece of writing throughout high school up to that point. When I turned it in, I expected an eye roll from the professor and maybe a low B at best. I was going to get my laughs out of it and I was sure my friends would find it funny. It was just another stupid essay. Why should it be any different from the rest?
But when he handed them all back, I was surprised to see something over a 90 on the page. When he went back up to the front of the class, he told everyone how interesting some of the essays were, and how he learned about actual, real-life zombies. People started asking about it and he pointed to me to tell them. I had a quick laugh and told him I was just describing a bunch of stuff from a video game. The whole class had a quick laugh about it and then he said something that I will never forget:
"You actually had me convinced that zombies were real."
This is a silly statement. This really shouldn't mean anything to anyone. To me though, this opened up a whole world of possibilities. I had actually connected with someone with my writing. I wondered what I made him feel as he read through the information about the Raccoon City incident or the Las Plagas outbreak in West Africa. I actually took a bunch of almost nonsensical information and spun it in a way that made it "interesting" and made someone genuinely enjoy reading it. I don't remember if it was that night, or that week, but in February of that semester I got the confidence to start writing fiction. That reaction told me that I might just be able to write something interesting, whether it be some silly clopfic like Breaking Caramel's Spirit or Swept Away, or something heartfelt like The Last Page or Worn Leather, I just thought that maybe these ideas might actually be worth writing for once. I wrote almost sixty thousand words in the space of a couple of months, and I loved it. Despite many hiccups along the way, I haven't once stopped writing and I think I may have actually found my passion, what I really want to do with my life. At the end of that semester, he taught me a lot more than how to properly craft an essay or the proper way to use a semicolon, he taught me that my writing, my imagination, might actually be worth something.
Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if he had just given me a C and never said anything. What really would have happened if someone hadn't given me hope that I could create and be good at it? I'd hate to think where I might be in life had he not provided such a pivotal moment out of such an innocuous line. Still miserable in a path that I hated with no real direction in life, I'm sure. So I guess the lesson here is that great things can come from unsuspecting places, or maybe that the things you do matter, or maybe I'm just rambling.
Anyway, I felt like you shared something personal with me, so I just wanted to share something back. This line in particular, I think I really needed to hear:
As I looked through your stories to try and dispute your claim that I was that much better, it seems I'd committed the cardinal sin that had fed into my own inadequacy as well. I'll be sure to try and change that when I get the time. Thank you so much for you heartfelt support; it really does mean the world to me.
P.S. Any of your stories you'd recommend checking out first?
>>Holy
Welcome.
4217831 Thank you for sharing, it means a lot to me. I'm grateful for that.
As for my stories... that depends on what you're looking for. If you want something quick to pick up and put down, I suggest Love Beats Stupid, which is admittedly kinda rough at the start, but gets better as it goes. But, if you want something more serious and dramatic, I recommend Crime Pays, which is ongoing and (as far as I can tell) pretty damn nail-biting.
Seriously, Holy, I love what you do, and hearing you tell me this makes me super happy. Thank you so much. Keep on keeping on.
4217594 *hugs* You're more than welcome.
4217594 It's understandable. Many have felt this way. Not many have support, however. In some small way, I hoped I helped you, even just a little bit.
the hardest thing about mastering a craft is that at first it's easy to see yourself improving every day... and then you get good and it's almost impossible to see yourself get better. I'd suggest looking back on old stories for perspective except it'd be extremely hypocritical of me since I can't bring myself to open my first story.
what kind of goals do you feel you're failing to reach? word counts are nice and all, but I'm a believer in quality over quantity (though something is better than nothing, which is where I'm holed up these days).
using others as a measuring stick for your progress neglects their growth. not to mention there are writers who cater to a crowd. and audiences are fickle. not to say fluffy stories or porn-without-plot are inherently overrated, but they're definitely click-bait.
as far as being perceived as a "generic clop writer"... I think you put too much detail for that to be a problem. not physical every-hair-every-inch-of-skin detail either: real, visceral, relatable things that make the characters pop. your NSFW stories are much more "stories with erotic scenes" than they are "pizza delivery porno". speaking frankly, mechanical sex isn't sexy - being forced to take a ride with the characters through their mental gymnastics and emotional constraints while their bodies are manipulated is.
and not to disparage you or anything, but publishing a novel isn't as hard as it was before internet and e-books. even if you don't want to self-publish, companies can be surprisingly accommodating... that part's just about having the confidence to put yourself out there
admittedly, I've not read a lot of your work. however, I've read probably equal amounts of clop to safe and I think they're both very well done for many of the same reasons. I'd be interested in any non-pony stories you come up with so please don't be shy about sharing: my inbox is open anytime.
in closing: creating anything is difficult and refining it takes a lot of work but if you don't do it for yourself, then you'll neither be satisfied doing it for anyone else nor in deciding to give up. you've got a lot of really strong skills, it'd be a shame for them to go to waste when you still want to use them.