Retcon · 8:56am Sep 6th, 2016
So a year or two ago I said in a blog that I would change my short bio every week, and I actually kept pretty close to that for a long time (if anybody noticed). But some of you (maybe) may have noticed that my current one ("I'm a linguist. I like ambiguity more than most people.") has been up for much longer than that.
This isn't so much out of laziness as simply not wanting to take down what is clearly my perfect short bio. I can't replace perfection like day-old bakery stock!
This, then, brooks an important question: what to do with my giant list of backup bios?
Obviously, post them here for posterity. Duh.
Read on for my everything-else quote wall, a snapshot of my lifetime's exposure to popular culture: some 67-odd quotes, references, and a good helping of my own creativity, along with various other clever textbytes. A good number of these are also in the sister list of alternate usernames, which I might post someday. It's not as cool, though. All quote attributions (that were included in the bio version) have been removed, for messing-and-guessing reasons. Possible prize for whoever can name the most sources, meanings, reasons, and/or contexts. Get t'guessin'!
P.S.— The head in my icon does not have black eyes and a blue afro, if you were wondering.
“Chaos is just an imaginary friend. And he’s full of s#$%.”
Sketchy Kid Sketching Kids
Welcome to mild niche fame! Here’s your complimentary fanboy.
Congratulations on your brand new fanboy! For safety reasons, please read the operation manual.
“Wait– my butt knows what I do??”
“Very good then, Mr. McGinnis. Welcome to my world.”
“Stealing from children is an awesome tool.”
“It killed children. Back in the good old days.”
“Every time a story of mine appears in a Freshman anthology, I have a vision of it, with its little organs laid open, like a frog in a bottle… Properly, you analyze to enjoy, but it’s equally true that to analyze with any discrimination, you have to have enjoyed already, and I think that the best reason to hear a story read is that it should stimulate that primary enjoyment.”
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, act like you hit it, ‘cuz who’s gonna prove otherwise?
“This is all y’fault, Jafar.”
With mint frosting.
“Hey kid… it ain’t that kind of movie.”
On the withers of giants.
“Come on, you can get your flirt on later!”
“Is that a promise, Doctor?”
“...”
Neil Gaiman's Eagle Balls
“Somehow the pantsless gay man is not bringing the romance, Scott.”
“What was the song? I can’t remember the song.”
“The giant evil space fetus just shot black goo from its eyes!”
“There are only three forms of high art: the symphony, the illustrated children’s book, and the board game.”
“...Through Friendship and Ponies.”
Like dogs without horses.
Don’t be sad or scared at all, even if you can’t recall you’re perfect in the way that you are.
“Once more unto the breach my friends, double and trouble, under the bubble and thank everyone for the great time you're about to have and screw everyone who hates you, good on ya!”
“If you're Daring Do and he's Rainbow Dash, then I've got dibs on being Scootaloo.”
I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with ponies, in a land apart.
…
Drat.
There’s cookies and punch by the door!
You bang your shins.
“Da cyuah idth nudidy!”
“But I’mmm already naked!”
“Dyou mudst take a byeth togethah.”
“...Hit her with the shovel.”
The worst thing about having thumbs is that they can be broken.
And Leon’s getting larger!
vren55’s trained comma hunter.
(yhayss)
“No no, see, the trick is to say all three consonants at once, so you kinda snarl. But there’s a right way to do it.”
“‘Hallelujah, it’s raining stallions...’ Yeah no, it doesn’t work.”
What is a brony but a miserable pile of headcanons?
Now I am become Harmony, Uniter of Worlds.
Brown human brown cow!
No, sir! Away! A papaya war is on!
(!No si rAw ayApap a !yawa !ris ,on)
You’re welcome.
“I fell asleep in my contacts once. I woke and said, ‘I’m cured! Aaahh, my eyes!’”
“If you really want to know what your Mom thinks, ask her when she’s on Zanex. ‘Hey Mom, who’s your favorite kid?’”
“‘I have heard that you put love into my daughter’s pancakes. In light of the occasion, would you mind obliging this queen a small snack?’ I shrugged. Why not?”
This is what my life has become. How are you?
One flap of the wings in Canterlot and it's clear skies out in Baltimare.
Ya gotta love that tenacity.
I have a peacock in my neck!
“You will be dragged by your ears to the dungeons, where a drunken Filch will be waiting with a cactus and a croquet mallet.”
A very self-absorbed squid.
Property damage by flexing.
“I am the narrator. I am just up in the sky telling the story. I just know everything. So pay no attention to me.”
You laugh. One day someone will ask “Who’s your girl?” and a face will flash through your mind- and it’s gonna sandbag you completely. It’s gonna be hilarious to watch.
“Having no life is an art.”
“Aha! Today I shall become an author! And I will auth and auth and auth and make a squillion dollars, whoopee!”
“If you’re in a fight, and it’s inevitable that both of you will fall over, fall over first.”
“I'm a linguist. I love ambiguity more than most people.”
“My name's Minato Namikaze. Brace for an impending explosion.”
“I HAVE AGITATED THE PEOPLE.”
“Bacon is for sycophants, and products of incest.”
“Rats. We’re rats. We’re da rats! We play at night, we stalk at night, we’re da rats!”
“There’s only one type of castle I build, and it comes with pepperoni and 9mm bullets.”
“You coward ferret! You require a special kind of therapy, and it’s called love!”
“Applejack, don’tcha see? Equestria is Rainbow Dash!”
“There’s nothing funny about world peace, Ozy.”
“If G.I. Joe knows things that eluded Francis Bacon, I’m going back to bed.”
“I want war! Blood! I want— ...I don’t know what I want.”
“Well, take a hundred years and think about it. You got the time.”
“But… the masters will never trust me! I have done all kinds of horrible things!”
“Kid? We all did— and then we grew up.”
P.P.S-- One of those is a direct quote from shortskirtsandexplosions. Another one comes directly from the lips of Royal Skousen to my ears, and isn't recorded anywhere else. Guess which is which.
"…Through Friendship and Ponies" is the second half of the Friendship Is Optimal axiom guiding CelestAI. The one right before the Oppenheimer reference is a Castlevania: SOTN reference. And I haven't read the Ozy and Millie strip that the world peace one comes from, but the name is a dead giveaway.
I could probably google a bunch of the movie ones, but those are the ones I know off the top of my head.
4195579 Now what does it say about me that I had to google Oppenheimer and then check what quote was above it to make the Castlevania connection?
4200444
That your historical knowledge is probably filtered through the lens of memes and pop culture.
What does it say about me that I answer rhetorical questions?
Also, since I didn't mention it earlier, props for the suspiciously-face-shape-snouted dragon (?) icon.