Wacky Box Reviews #1: Calvin and Obs · 8:00pm Mar 23rd, 2016
Hey guys I'm doing it. Featured box reviews let's make it happen
I picked a fic from the box of the ones that actually looked like things I might want to read, then I picked a fic at random from what was left to make myself suffer. I'unno if I'll stick with this format for the future, but let's TAKE IT FOR A SPIN and see how it goes
"This looks good I guess" pick:
Discord's Diary by Chaotic Dreams
Twilight finds a hidden book in the Royal Canterlot Library, though she might not like what it tells her.
(Trufax, I'll bet you anything the hidden book Twilight finds in the Royal Canterlot Library turn out to be Discord's Diary.)
So just opening this fic up I see some good signs. There aren't any major spelling/grammar mistakes, the prose flows, etc. I want to take this opportunity to introduce a general sort of impressions scale to indicate how I categorize this sort of thing in my head.
I'd put this one at about the higher end of a 3. It's solid, but I'm not like jumping over myself on the way it's written. Don't get me wrong here that's actually a bigger compliment than it sounds like. From what I've seen in the mod queue and stuff fics rating 0-2 or so are like 80% of all fics, so getting 3 or above is a recommendable.
Anyways the fic starts with like this big exposition about the canterlot library. It goes on for exactly 671 words according to this thing I found on the internet. It's not BAD but like it's not actually telling me anything important so I don't get why it's there.
The fic actually starts on word 672 or so with Spike and Twilight loitering around in the library. You could probably start from here and not actually be missing anything. There's some back and forth between the two of them over like Twilight being a nerd. It's in character and there's nothing wrong with it.
They find glasses on Starswirl the Bearded's statue and it turns out to be a secret switch to a secret passageway. It's some Scooby Doo stuff, y'know? At the end of it she finds Tom Riddle's Diary from the Chamber of Secrets.
“Huh?” Twilight said. “Looks like somepony left a note here for somepony else. It must have been ages ago.”
It was indeed ages ago, but it wasn’t left by ‘somepony’ for ‘somepony else,’ it was left for you, Twilight Sparkle. Or at least, it would have been left for whoever found me next, but since you found me next, it was left for you. Try not to think about it too much, or you may end up a tad mad like ol’ Starswirl over there.Twilight felt cold.
I mean not literally but it's sort of basically that. It's like a book that talks to her and it's kind of creepy about it. It's even a diary. Except it was left by Discord and not Voldemort who'dathunk.
Anyways the book kind of exposits on her about how entropy is destroying the universe. It's more artful than I'm making it sound but it really isn't beating around the bush on this one. It basically just up and says "yo you know how crazy Discord is? Well WHAT ABOUT THE ENTROPIC DECAY OF FREE ENERGY AVAILABLE TO PERFORM USEFUL WORK? YOU'RE CONTRIBUTING TO THE EVENTUAL HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE BY EXISTING"
(spoilers this is why the chapter is titled entropy)
Also Spike is technically there but the fic just stops pretending he's relevant to events about halfway through, KINDA LIKE THE SHOW BAZING. Seriously though Twilight just starts ignoring him until he falls asleep.
Twilight set the book down and trotted back up the stairs. Spike had fallen asleep, and so she levitated him after her, lowered the glasses on the statue behind her, and left the library.
She ran right into Princess Celestia.
ANYWAYS the implications of the second law of thermodynamics bother Twilight, but then she runs into Celestia who explains that perfect order isn't actually a great thing either so if you think about it entropy is kind of necessary. Twilight decides she's okay with that sure why not.
The End.
Obs Thoughts: I think this one was like a good concept that got kind of strangled by its execution before it could really explain why it's a good concept. None of its major philosophical hammers really took time to build themselves up thematically or let Twilight think critically about them. Discord's Diary is just kind of "haha ENTROPY" and Celestia is like "okay but it's the CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIFE AND IT MOOOOOVES US AAAAAALL" and Twilight just sort of takes them both at face value.
you did good disney
I'd recommend checking it out at least. It's not like my favorite or anything but it's solidly written and kind of plays with good concepts so hey why not go see what it's all about yourself.
I give this one a melty cookie
"Watch Obs have a bad time" pick :
It's Not Incest, It's a Threesome! by dirty little secret
this is a mature fic btw don't keep scrolling down if you're not okay with hearing about that
Celestia and Luna have a burning desire for each other, but incest taboos are getting in the way. They need to invite someone else in order to make it a perfectly legitimate threesome ... not incest at all, definitely not.
So I mean I'm not into this kind of thing, but I'm going to try and review this one honestly. I can't perfectly sync with the mindset of the sort of dude who'd be reading this intentionally but hey what the heck I'll give it a shot.
My first complaint here is that this fic is first person but I have no idea who the first person even is.
Seriously I don't know. It doesn't tell you.
I think you're just supposed to context clue that it's Fancy Pants, because it takes 1328 words for even the NAME Fancy to actually appear in the text.
Why
Prosewise I'd probably put this one in at a 3, but on the lower end. Maybe even a high 2 if I had to commit on it. Fancy Pants is an okay narrator. There's definitely an upper class tinge to him, but the character isn't really that strong or memorable and most of what he adds to the chain of events are either chunks of exposition or really surface level observations of something that just happened. He doesn't really seem to have strong beliefs or thoughts on what's happening. He just kind of responds to input with the expected output or the wikipedia article on the subject. Kind of like Siri on your iphone
Exposition chunk:
My jaw dropped, and something else nearly dropped as well, but I quickly regained control of myself. I had known Princess Celestia for years … as a friend, and nothing more. And yet, even her friendship was a little shallow, holding me at a distance. I’d gathered the impression that she considered me one of the least offensive of the Canterlot nobles, and thus she tended to seek out my companionship at such events, where I tended to do much of the mingling banter for her. More than once I’d had to put to rest rumors that I was her secret lover. In fact, I’d never touched her for so much as a hoofshake. She merely seemed to keep me around as a sort of social lubricant to ease the awkward silences ponies tended to slip into in her overwhelming presence.
Deep personal insight:
Finally, she gave a deep sigh and stopped walking.
I stopped next to her, still alongside, facing ahead. Looking at her might put too much pressure on the moment.
“Fancy, I have a confession to make.”
Most interesting! I remained quiet, waiting for her.
I just don't think this one is making the most out of a first person perspective, maybe it's just me
Anyways I guess the gist of what's going on is that Fancy Pants is at a garden party when Celestia invites him to maybe have sex in a hedge maze. Except actually she's inviting him to listen to her be afraid of realizing her incestuous desires for Luna's smokin bod.
Fancy pants proposes
and I'm not making this up
Fancy pants proposes that it wouldn't be incest if they just threeway it with him.
Nobody really worries that Luna might not be up for an incestuous threeway with her sister and a random guy. I mean Fancy Pants brings up the idea of her not being okay with it but Celestia's like OH FANCY YOU CRAY CRAY and that's about it.
It's porn man what do you want
Blueblood shows up with a really drunk mare suggesting they team up to daterape her. Fancy pants punches him out. I don't know why this is here why is this here
It turns out Celestia thinks Luna's never even heard of Fancy before (except it turns out he's banged her already). It's kind of weird because it makes the fact that Celestia went OH BOY LUNA'S GOING TO BE SO INTO THIS THREESOME WITH FANCY PANTS even weirder.
There's porn dialogue I guess, I don't even know what there is to say about it. You're either into this or you aren't.
Celestia and Luna start making out with each other so they can turn Fancy on. That sort of completely destroys the idea that he's threesoming them to make it technically not incest. They're pretty clearly getting their incest on no Fancy pants necessary
I'm just saying.
Sex happens I guess. Fancy Pant's narration actually sort of turns it into a comedy
I would have orgasmed most uncouthly straight down Princess Luna’s throat, overwhelmed with her skill, had not Princess Celestia succumbed to her sister’s talents a moment before me.
Princess Celestia threw her head back and squealed her passion to the ceiling. She gyrated back and forth, rubbing herself against her sister’s gentle hoof, receiving what she’d been waiting so long for.
Ahahahaha
There's more sex stuff.
How many times had I snuck well-concealed glances under Princess Celestia’s tail? How often had I fantasized about the soft pink flesh there, even while making love to my own wife?
and I can't even
I mean what's there to say at this point. They're like sexing each other y'know? They keep doing it until they get tired.
The end.
Obs Thoughts: I mean I'm not the target audience here go read it if you think a threesome is sexy. The writing's not fantastic and some of the porn logic is really wacky so I can't really recognize it as being a solid work of fiction even ignoring that it's a sex thing
so I'unno there you have it.
I give this one a weird snack brownie that people kind of eat sometimes
Tune in next week
Where's my brownie recipe ?
Though it's good you should definitely keep this up.
Also you could maybe have a classic type feature where you review a classic fic
I will work to have that melted chocolate chip cookie.
Those quotes on the incest/threesome fic
They're also factually fun after the first time. The first time can be kinda awkward.
Oh, a melty cookie sounds so good right now.
I might just check out that Discord's Diary story...
Those are delicious!
This sums it up so perfectly!
I have sincerely enjoyed those brownies. Haven't read the associated story, nor do I plan to, but I have found those brownies unironically yummy.
Also, this was a delight to read. I hope you these on a semi-regular basis of some kind.
This is oddly motivating me to write.
Now I want to hit featured to get in your reviews.
You are crazy. Looking forward to seeing how long it takes for reviewing the box to break your spirit. The current record holder got to almost 300 reviews before running away screaming.
Discord's Diary was okay to me. It's the kind of story I upvote but don't favourite. As philosophy goes, I found it somewhat shallow, but I respect what it was trying to do, and I think the author gave it a good effort.
For the other one, I can only say that your commentary amused me. Pure joy. I've missed this feeling. It's like John and his suffering never even left.
I have a good feeling about this series. Looking forward to next week, Obs!
3822968
Really depends on who you're with.
This is hilarious.
This is the best rating system.
3823273 Great. Now I'm hungry.
Okay.
So
I hope to god "Wacky Box" becomes common site parlance.
I like your inscrutable baked-good ratings.
Also that you go for something that looks good and something that looks good. I had just put that first fic into my RIL and by golly it's still there good job
So yeah, this was a good idea. :B
Was there ever a reason given as to why Princess Celestia would give a rat's ass about "taboo" if she wants to do it? What are the nobles going to do? Band together, storm the castle, then throw the princesses out on their asses? Seems like a false dilemma just to get this story going in this direction.
3823493
Celestia kind of suggests the incest thing would be scandalous enough to destabilize the whole kingdom
but apparently a threesome with Fancy pants wouldn't be scandalous
yeah I'unno
One out of two stories is a clopfic. That certainly is representative of the featured box.
3823502
I'd think that a kingdom so weak as to fall apart over a sex scandal should just be put out of its misery.
But, hey, doujin logic.
Yes. Yes. Do continue with this.
3822953
Step 1: Make brownies.
Step 2: Add marijuana.
Step 3: Eat, then lay your ass down.
Meh.
3823060
I miss John.
Be strong, good Obs, for you are melding with prose that have broken good men.
How dare you imply that the show pretended Spike was relevant at the beginning.