Where has Hoopy been?! · 12:17am Feb 19th, 2016
Hey, all! Got something kind of personal to talk about, so if you're not in the mood for that, feel free to skip this blog post.
I haven't been around much, recently. I've got some reasons for that, but the overwhelming reason is stress. A little background:
I work in Information Technology for a major corporation here in Minneapolis. When I started, our team numbered sixteen people which, I won't lie, was a bit too many. Our management decided to put in a hiring freeze and allow attrition to reduce our staff. A couple years later, through people moving to other jobs or retiring, we were down to twelve. Still more than we needed, so four were laid off.
This left eight people, which was just enough to do the job without anyone feeling too stressed or being overwhelmed. It was about perfect.
There was a problem, though. There's a certain type of person, one who inevitably ends up in management somewhere, who looks at a well-functioning team with just enough work for everyone and thinks "How can I make this worse for everyone while making my bottom line look better?"
We call that type of person a Bastard.
Anyway. The hiring freeze was never lifted, even after the layoffs. We didn't find this out until one of our remaining eight people left for greener pastures about a year ago, and we were told we couldn't replace them. So, the work that was comfortable for eight people became mildly uncomfortable for seven. And, later, for six, when another person packed up and left about eight months ago.
Things were stressful, then. But we have a great team, and we pulled together and kicked serious ass. I'd say my stress level was about a 3, maybe 3.5 out of 10.
And then the system conversion happened. We dropped our old software management tool in favor of a new one, and suddenly nothing worked. We couldn't load software, we couldn't build virtual machines, we couldn't rebuild workstations... we couldn't do anything. And the work started piling up while we were helpless to do anything about it other than fruitlessly go through the motions while our customers (fellow employees) got more and more frustrated with us.
Hello, stress level 7. This is when you probably noticed that my updates started slowing waaaay down.
This is also around the time when we realized that my younger brother is getting sicker and sicker, and won't be getting better... ever. There's nothing to do but wait while he degrades, a process that can take years. At least he's still all there mentally (most of the time, painkillers allowing), so he can still enjoy life... He's got a pretty nice media/gaming setup, even though he can't play any video games that require a quick reaction anymore—his reflexes are shot, and his hands are shaky as hell. I try to make time to get out there when I can, but it's hard to do... I work a lot of overtime, and he's a 45 minute drive away.
Hello, stress level 9.
This is when my updates slowly ground down to a virtual halt, though I was still managing to write a small amount most days.
Our system conversion finally started evening out, but the damage was done, and an enormous backlog of work had piled up. I longed for the days of having sixteen people on my team, because that would have been about enough. Alas, we only had six... oh, wait, sorry. Make that five, as another person decided that enough was enough, and left to find a better place to work.
And then two more of my teammates left, one right after the other.
Three people, doing the work that kept eight people busy while also dealing with a three-month backlog of work.
Oh, dear. I seem to have broken the scale. Hello, stress level 12. I had stopped writing all together at this point.
Okay, twelve may be something of an exaggeration. But, seriously, I felt like I was dying by inches every day. I didn't realize it at the time (it's hard to see clearly when you feel like you're trapped in a box all the time), but I think I was treading the line of having a nervous breakdown. I'd get home and, intending to write, I would stare blankly at the computer screen for an hour, completely unable to think, before getting up and walking away. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Every waking moment I spent away from work was spent dreading going in the next day. I couldn't breathe, it felt like I was suffocating.
As I'm writing this, I'm just shaking my head. It's all so much clearer, now, what kind of a hell I was going through. That I put myself through,when you get right down to it.
There was a moment of epiphany, and it happened while I was driving to work last week (for the record, try to avoid having major epiphanies while driving, they're a major road hazard).
What triggered the epiphany was just normal morning commute shenanigans. One person, without signalling or apparently even looking, shifted into a lane that another person was passive-aggressively "guarding". This nearly caused an accident. And I had this wistful thought out of nowhere, sort of like the "I wish" thoughts I sometimes have about winning the lottery: "Wouldn't it be nice if I got into an accident and got hurt? I wouldn't have to go to work, then."
I toyed with the idea for a minute or so with a small smile on my face before I had a moment of shocking sobriety, like someone had poured ice-water down my spine.
"Wouldn't it be nice if I got into an accident and got hurt." I had actually thought those words. That was an actual, real thing that my brain had come up with and had fantasized about. Holy crap.
I'm not saying I was suicidal or interested in self-harm. I wasn't looking to get into an accident. It was just, for that moment, the thought of going to the hospital was preferable to going to work.
That's some messed up stuff, right there.
I pulled over, because my hands were shaking and my brain, though it felt clear and awake for the first time in a long while, was still reeling with disbelief. I called in sick that day, and went home.
Work had become this overwhelming specter in my life, this all-consuming thing that was stealing my time away, even when I was at home and wasn't getting paid. I realized something that day that brought me huge amounts of comfort. And that was, "I can quit any time I like, and it couldn't be worse than this."
Sure, the thought of leaving my two co-workers behind made me feel bad, but honestly, they could quit too.
I'm not quitting, though. Not yet, at least. The reason is, our management (consisting of some new, less bastardy people than before), knows that we need more people. We've hired contractors to take up some slack, and we're actively hiring, with the goal of getting us back up to 7 people. And it's happening quickly... we should be back up to full strength staff-wise by the end of the month. Of course, then there's training, but... There's a silver lining. It's enough, for now.
Being worried and anxious is a hard habit to break, though. I'm still struggling with it. But things are getting better, and I see things much more clearly.
That epiphany was a week ago, and I think I managed to drop my stress back down to a level 7 or so (and still falling), and I've started writing again. I feel... well, beyond rusty, honestly. A lot of what I'm writing right now is pure garbage and will never see the light of day. But I haven't abandoned Sunflower, and I have many, many other stories I want to write.
So, I guess I'll wrap this up by apologizing. I'm really, truly sorry that there's been this huge delay in updates. No doubt some of you were worried that I'd abandoned it, but I assure you that's not the case. More content is on the way, and I'll try to get through my backlogs of private messages and emails as I can.
Also, I want to thank you for staying with me. I really mean it, you guys are the best!
Stay cool, guys!
~Hoopy
Yeegads, that kinda well, **** is just horrible to have to deal with. I'm sorry you had. And I do hope it gets better.
Hope things get better for you soon.:(
Life can really suck. Sorry about everything. I hope that things will start to look up.
~Melly~
Wow...that's.....just awful. I totally get why you haven't been able to write and update. I wish you the best in your work, so at the very least you're not nearly as stressed as you've been, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to update at some point.
Hey, this type of stuff happens. I'm glad that things are starting to work out for you. Take it easy, don't rush things..... quality work is worth waiting for. <Insert rousing cliche of choice here> Really no idea what else to say.... Hang in there, and you know you have a lot of people here to at least give you someone to vent to if you need it if nothing else.
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/Internet hugs!
Shame Hoopy. Instead of pressure, you'd get support and encouragement from us. Those who love your work wouldn't begrudge you the time you need to deal with matters in your own life. It's no fun reading about all the hardships you and yours have been going through. I hope this upward trend keeps going.
Entirely understandable. Given what you went through, I'd be astonished if horsewords had managed to hold a place on your list of priorities. Glad to hear things are improving for you. That you'll be able to keep writing is merely a side benefit of your dropping stress levels.
Yeesh. I can't even say that your 'epiphany' isn't something I've heard before, because a friend of mine who is still in college ended up taking a credit load far larger than he was prepared for, and he told me after the fact that his mind leaped to exactly the same conclusion one day, and he (naturally) was similarly spooked.
It's good to hear that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I sincerely hope that things turn out better for you soon. Take care of yourself, Hoopy, and do what you gotta do.
Good thing you had your epiphany, in my experience, trying to keep going anyway lead to serious breakdown. And it can really be unpleasant.
I hope for you that this improvement will really come, from the sound of things, you had more then too much on your plate.
Take care and try to be happy, all rigth?
Glad things are looking better for yout there. and very sorry to hear about your brother as well. Glad things are looking better on the work front and hopefully the trend continues.
And, yeah, those moments when you do an almost literal double take at you own thoughts can be real eye-openers or just plain weird. A number of years ago I was in some really bad shape because of a small malfunctioning gland (r.e. begnine tumor) that at that point had been undiagnosed for at least a decade. I was in such bad shape and in so much pain I remember thinking, 'you know it would be nice if I broke a bone or something like last year, at least then it would be a completely different kind of pain.' Yeah those kind of moments can really leave you with mental whiplash when you realize what just passed through your brain.
I can't say I've ever shared that experience, but it's all I can do to sympathize. I'm sorry you went through that, and I wish I could do something for your situation.
Losing a family member is intense. Again, I can't say I've shared the experience but it's all I can do to sympathize.
I wish you well, and I want you to focus on recovering from the stress and allowing writing to be on a back burner.
Get well soon
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, man.
Honest to god, your company deserves to go into the shitter. Everyone should quit and let that sole bastard do the work.
Still, I'm glad you're hanging on. A bright light on the horizon is sometimes enough. :)
... Your boss... El Bastardo. That guy sounds like a manipulative, uncaring asshole. I'm glad you're back amigo. It's good to see you again
That feeling of being stuck with no way out is one of the most horrible things you can feel.
I'm glad you've been able to escape it
Whoa!
I had no idea things had gotten so rough for you, Hoopy. And I'm sorry to hear about your brother. That's ... I can't say I know what that's like in the slightest, all I can do is imagine, and, well ... it can't be nice. I'm sorry. I wish both of you the best.
If not for that last bit about the job turning around, I would have wondered why you hadn't quite yet. Hopefully it does turn around, but ...
Don't worry too much about delaying the writing. Writing needs a good state of mind, and if you don't have it, don't stress yourself worrying that we're waiting for a new chapter when you've got so much else going on in your life. You're not being paid to do this, and if real life needs to take priority until things settle down, I am 100% in support of you taking that action until things settle. I—and many other readers—will still be here, patiently waiting for your return when things get better.
Your writing is wonderful, but don't let it pull you away from the other things you have on your plate. We're a side dish to a main course at the moment. We're at your back, wishing you luck, and we can wait.
Here's wishing you, and your family, the best.
aw damn!
You should not worry for the updates, dont let this to add another level of stress.
I am sorry for your family situation
And as another IT, I understand your situation. If I were you I would be updating my LinkedIn.
I hope you more luck and take it easy
3763537 You honestly think the bastard who made that decision does any of the actual work in the department he's responsible for? He's Management: you don't get there unless you've scooped out the part of your brain that recognizes personal responsibility and sold your left testicle to one of the higher ups who happens to be your patron.
If anything that fucker got a promotion and moved on to greener pastures.
Sheesh, glad to hear things are improving on the work front, sympathies about your sib.
Ouch. Glad to hear things are turning around.
Don't worry about the writing, we'll still be here when you get back into it. And this site has some pretty good
stalkingnotification features.What you described is exactly how I felt about life when I was a cop. Just remember, you are not a slave, you can quit any time you want, and you should quit if it doesn't start improving awfully quick.
Hang in there.
The last time I had to deal with something like that...was the last 3 weeks cause my work had me loaned out to another store. For some reason they did a lot of things differently.
I can feel you there on the shocking realization front. Getting shaken by happily thinking thoughts you'd never really wanted to consider is never a fun experience. When that happens, it's typically a good indicator that something in your situation needs to change, fast.
Glad to hear the work situation is starting to look up, at least, and my condolences for the situation that isn't.
Holy shit, you have the patience of a saint! Hope things continue to get better for you at work.
I was gonna say: "If you're already ready to quit, then you've got nothing to lose. Just go right over that middle management bastard's head, and discuss the situation with his boss." It's what I did.
Contrary to what you might think, the higher up a guy is on the echelons of power, the more likely he will actually listen to you. It's the "emperor wishes to personally tour the countryside and hear his little peasants" mentality.
But you already have new middle management and they're already hiring. So, ok.
Wow. Good for you for snapping out of it--some people put up for years with things that make their life miserable and which they could change if they really wanted to.
Glad things are looking better. But you had nothing to do with the management situation resolving itself? Come on, you can tell us.
Take care of yourself. Please.
Wow... I can understand the motivations of a corporation trying to survive in this "Eat the rich" economy, but somebody stepped completely over the line for certain. I'm glad they aren't around any more, and things are getting better for you.
Glad to hear things are improving, dude. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your brother--I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like for you, him, and your family. If you can't write because you're spending time with him, then I'd say you have every right in the world to do that. It sounds like you have your priorities straight--make sure you keep doing that, and take all the time you need. The stories about imaginary cartoon horses can wait.
*pat pat pat*
Thanks for sharing. I hope things at work continue to improve.
Holy crap, Hoopy. Well, I'm definitely glad to hear that things are getting better.
Oh man, I know that feel. I've been through some very similar kerfuffles at my own job. Here's hoping that your stress-levels continue to improve.
I'm not sure what to say, honestly. That's some scary stuff, and I'm really sorry about your brother.
For what it's worth though, good luck with work getting better.
Hoopy, I've been there. I know the epiphany you had, because I've had the same one. Unlike you, though, I ended up quitting, and there are days I regret it. You're a trooper for sticking through it, though.
I'm glad things are getting better for you, and I hope they continue to do so.
The good thing is you got through that rough time. Hopefully the future seems brighter from what you said so that's great to hear!
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It is easy to forget, sometimes, why we work. It's simply a fact of life for most of us: you have to have a job. As it has been, so it will be, forever without end.
Finding a new job is a hassle, true. And pride moves us to do the best job we can. But at the end of the day, you are striking a bargain: in exchange for a certain amount of money, you will perform a certain amount of work. When the nature or duration of the work you are asked to do has changed, you should not hesitate to re-evaluate the bargain. Is it still a fair deal? Can you get a better one somewhere else? Can you renegotiate?
Because it sounds an awful lot like they started asking you to do twice the work for the same amount of money.
That whole three month backlog? That's not actually your problem. True, it affects your work, but your end of the bargain is to put in a certain amount of time and effort every workday. If that's not enough to make progress? Well, you've done your part. Let management worry about the rest. If they hound you to do more... don't be afraid to insist that they treat you with respect.
Different job, similar situation a couple of years ago. I left. Best decision ever made. No job is worth your health, mental or otherwise.
Isn't it weird how the management always finds a way to make the employees feel actually grateful for being merely "uncomfortably overworked".
Scary stuff Hoppy, just glad you're starting to feel better!
"Lets take a part of the company and hamstring it with razorwire to save costs, that surely wont cascade and lose us millions as everything slowly grinds to a halt" -Management
I never understood that line of thinking. Good to hear you've got new non-asswipe people in charge.
I have similar thoughts pretty much everyday. Honestly, I figured it was considered normal.
3763666
The USPS system of management at work!
I never doubted you in that regard one bit. With your burning passion for writing I would be surprised if anything short of your demise would be enough to stop you from writing for good. Nothing can keep a person away from doing what they love to do the most and in your case it is rather obvious that that something is (or at least appears to be) writing. I knew you'd be back eventually I never doubted that one bit. The only question was when? and the answer appears to be; now. So welcome back Hoopy.
3764240
It makes a lot more sense when you remember that many of those who habitually make these decisions are constantly on the move, from company to company or from political office to political office (or crossing over from one to the other). The way they see it, the decision is "Let's trade a short-term gain for a much higher long-term cost; that way my quarterly reports will be glowing, guaranteeing me a much better-paying job at my next company, while the costs hit the next poor schmuck who inherits my position."
If you're in the upper classes that never have to worry about going jobless, let alone hungry, that's a perfectly logical decision to make. It's only the low-level peons who have an interest in the long-term sustainability of business practices, because for them losing their job, or even just switching to another one, is a real risk to their financial stability and health. Once such petty concerns are as far beneath you as the people who actually have them, the matter seems completely rational, especially when you can trust that the higher-ups in the corporate hierarchy tend to come down on the more conscientious managers who have to pay the price with arguments like "Your predecessor was able to make this department work with just three employees! Why do you suddenly need seven to do the same work?"
That all sucks, and your bosses (or was) is crap. I am glad to see your stress level dropping. I hope everything works out for you.
Happy to see you're still breathing!
<chuckles> I can honestly say, I can commiserate with you about the job situation. Ours just dropped my last associate for a job that is supposed to have 5-8 people plus a supervisor... currently, there's exactly 0 people and I get to be the supervisor that has to make up for the entire thing.
Also, my heart goes out to you with the family situation. It's never fun when something's incurable and all that's left is to make the most of the time that remains. I lost family to similarly inoperable/incurable/we-can't-fix-it-able ailments and all I can say is that you're not alone and you do what you need to do... those memories will only exist if you make the time for them to actually happen.
And, on a completely selfish note, Thank you soooooo much for coming back and not giving up on your stories. Project Sunflower is the only story from FimFiction I have printed out in its entirety, stitched, glued, and bound so that if all else fails, I'd still have a copy on my bookcase.
Consider that my appreciation and inspirational commentary. <chuckles>
Man, its really impressive to me that you are sticking it out with the stress at work. I hope you can use the fact that you are staying and getting seniority now to try and get a promotion down the line, once the team is a lot bigger.
Best wishes!
My general reaction to having an unreasonable workload is to just keep working like normal.
Each task takes the time it takes. There really isn't much anyone can do about that.
That sounds like a horrible situation your going through and I'm happy things are finally going your way.
I'm afraid I know about stress and bastards all too well. When your alcoholic co-worker blames you for everything wrong in their life and continually tries to get you fired and 1 out of every 4 customers abuse you on a daily basis you know things are bad. I often had those wishing I was sick or injured to get out of work moments, but ignored them all and continued to work for months because I didn't think I had a choice. On the verge of a breakdown I finally quit, one of the best things I've ever done. Got a new job and its a 100 times better. So I'm really happy you were able to see things as they are. No job is worth ruining your life for.
Sorry to hear about your brother.
No need to apologize, I think the majority of people here (myself included), are more worried about you than any lack of updates.