More late-night musings to the sound of Groove Armada · 1:00am Jan 19th, 2016
I've been really getting into these guys. They're good to listen to when you're looking to just chill for a while and maybe think.
Like now.
I've been thinking back over the last year in more detail, or at least as much detail as I can muster. It's hard. Remembering, I mean. One of the many,. many symptoms of severe iron-deficiency anaemia is memory loss coupled impaired cognitive ability. I was a mental sieve, barely functioning in many ways. I spent a good portion of the year asleep, another fair chunk of it just lost to the world, and toward the end I was behaving as if I had dementia, or so people say, as I mentioned in a previous blog.
So why mention it again? A couple of reasons really. The first is fairly obvious: it explains why I haven't been writing. For most of the year I thought I was just depressed and tired, that I'd lost that creative speak. Turns out that actually no, my brain had quite literally stopped working. I wasn't writing because I'd almost forgotten how. The realisation of that particular fact scared me more than I care to admit.
The second is a little more esoteric and personal. Based on the way my writing tailed off, along with a few other symptoms, it seems likely that this problem began very early in the year. By the start of summer I do remember that I was losing colour in my skin, I was getting very tired and I was losing stamina. I assumed I was just out of shape and didn't do anything about it (and why didn't I exercise? Because my brain wasn't working properly any more so I didn't make the connection between "out of shape" and "do things to get back into shape again"), that a bout of flu and accompanying bronchitis in the late spring had done me in and that I just needed a few months to recover. By the time August and Bronycon rolled around I was well gone. I sometimes wonder if anyone looked at me and wondered at how pale I looked. Perhaps not - I was surrounded by nerds after all.
Thing is, anyone who met me at that point would have found a man who was rapidly losing the ability to think in any coherent manner. I remember smiling a lot and trying to be good company, but I also remember being so very, very tired. I can't remember a lot of faces, and that's weird for me, because remembering faces is something I've always been great at. Names? Forget it. Faces? I can recognise people after seeing them once, ten years ago, on the other side of a crowded room. At BC, only a very few stick out for being so unusual or frequent. The rest are a blur.
Why tell you all this now? Mostly because it just occurred to me now and I wanted to talk about it. To let people know that I was a near ghost of myself. Hell, I even looked the part. Any cues or hints I didn't catch, any questions I either ignored or answered with nonsense (and there were a few), any people I seemed to not pay attention to, it's because I was mentally not there. There were a lot of opportunities I missed at BC because of this. A lot of things I could have done and people I could have met, but didn't, because I wasn't able to process. I wasn't able to think.
Coming out of all that has been a hell of a shock. I realised things about myself that I think I'd been hiding from for quite a long time anyway, but that became more apparent after I could think again. It showed me that memory is a fragile thing and that memories have to be cherished, because they can slip away so very easily. Comparing what happened to me with dementia isn't hyperbole either; I lived that life. I spent most of my time in a daze, except for dim moments of lucidity in which I realised what was happening for just a moment, yet could only express myself in frustration and anger. The depression I felt afterwards seemed to have no source - because I couldn't remember. I remember it now, at a distance. The realisation, the anger, even faint flickerings of the fear that accompanied it as my mind wallowed back into the murk from which it had so briefly emerged. Dementia runs in my family on my mother's side, giving me a not insignificant chance of having to go through this again some day. It's probably a little morbid to hope that the genetic's from my dad's side of the family kick in and my heart pops before that, so I won't think it. :D
Not often, at least.
Dang but this got longer than I expected. It was meant to be more positive too. I think perhaps I can end with this: I live, I'm not dying of anything horrendous so far as I know, and I got my blood back. That's good.
There are a few people from BC I wanted to say more to, in person, but I couldn't, because I forgot how. I think it can wait now. Maybe at this year's BC, maybe at next year's if they keep going - or maybe at some other con. I hear galacon is quite nice.
Be seeing you. 
Since BC last year was the first time I'd met you, I had no frame of reference to compare. But I defeintely had a good time talking to you, and I look forward to seeing you again this year.
I remember thinking you seemed a bit...distracted, at the time! Hopefully we'll cross paths again this year, and be able to chat more properlike!
At least you seem to be on the rise once more.
And like 3696611 said, some may not have seen you before then. Like me.
...I do hope to see you again this BC. Provided I can sort money out for myself.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I'm very glad that you figured this out and addressed it. A sanguinated Archonix is far preferable to the alternative.
3696703
This.
Also, man I wish I could save enough money to go to Bronycon. Which is kinda hard when the cheapest tickets I could find are 1.9k SGD. =/
I do recall being a bit chocked at how pale you were, but having no comparison, figured it mighta been normal...
I'm glad things are turning around for you Arch, I know we're probably not really friends in a sense, but I'd like to consider you one and it made me so sad that you seemed to be so lost for so long.
We used to have so much fun on irc, and then it just stopped.... :( I blame Alamais. Hopefully everything will come back to you, and you'll be who you are.
Not dying of anything horrendous is really good. Did the doctors ever find what caused the anemia, or did your body just decide one day to start saying "No" to iron?
3697756 They know what it is. It's nothing sinister, I just seem to have decided to bleed a lot from a few places without realising it.
3697083 cinna pls. of course you're my friend!
3697078 You'd be shocked to see me now. I'm pink all over.
3696834 Yeah, the price is rather steep. It might be better now that they've moved to earlier in the year - I've yet to check.
3696703 True enough! On the other hand it's really put a crimp on my plans to become a lich...
3696663 Yes, let's hope so. Maybe if I plant some of my beans I can climb into a fairy tale and steal some gold.
3696628 Yes, I would have liked to spend more time with you. Then again you were very busy as I recall. :D
3696611 That would be cool. I can probably hold a proper conversation this time.
Thanks everyone. :)
3698849
...Just how many beans do you have stockpiled...?
~Skeeter The Lurker
3698943 All of the beans.
3698849
A couple Bronycons ago, I remember having a friend I was annoyed with because he'd show up for 15 minutes, then vanish off to do other things, and kept ditching my group.
This year, I realized I had become that person, because I know so many people in the Pony community along with helping do some stuff at the con itself that I am constantly pingponging all over the place and it made way way more sense.
But yes, this year I am trying to dial some things back a bit so I have a little more free-time to allocate around instead of 'ACK MUST GO TO PLACE A NOW ITS TIME FOR B NOW C Oh hi lets talk oh wait I gotta go now bye again great seeing you!'
3698849 All over you say?
3700198