Furious Fridays, Episode 3: October 16, 2015

Hello, everyone! Welcome to episode 3 of Furious Fridays (on a Saturday)! I hope you’re ready for a good laugh, because this week, in my opinion, contains some of my funniest rants so far. Enjoy!

Movie Douchebags
There are two species of this genus of fuck head, first is the asshole who is watching TV at your house and apparently has something to say about every little fucking thing that happens on the screen like the characters can hear them talk and will react to what they are saying. Example: You’re watching Easy A with your family and every time Emma Stone's character does anything besides breathe or walk your dad starts going off on a tangent about how the plot is ridiculous, and no one would ever do that stuff, the movie is ridiculous, all while drowning out what is actually happening in the movie. If it’s really that bad of a movie dad why don't you fucking leave; no one said you had to watch the movie or said anything about wanting to hear your opinion on the movie rather than hearing the actual movie so just shut your fucking face there Ebert.

But that’s nothing compared to when you made the mistake of putting in 40 Year Old Virgin after your dad was already 5 or 6 beers deep, and all you hear for the next hour and a half was "HEEEEEHAAAAHEEEEE HOOOOO (your mom makes the mistake of walking by) OH HEY HONEY C'MERE!!!!! AHH HEEE HEEHEAHAHA!!!! Watch this, hey honey watch this, son, rewind it! Rewind it to the thing!"

"What thing, dad?”

"You know that thing where he's talking about the egg salad (or the part where he plays the trumpet, or the part where he gets drunk, or the part where he does shit that has no sort of significance but seems funny to me because I’m hammered et cetera et cetera.) It’s fucking stupid! Keep your opinions until after the movie. No one cares anyways.

The second species of this retarded genus is called Theatricus Fuckheaderi, or as they are more commonly known, The Stupid Person/Infant Who Makes Noise In The Movie Theater. Can you not be quiet for fucking 2 hours? Is it that hard for you? If so, I don't think you should be in a goddamn movie theater because I paid $7.50 for this shit and if your phone goes off one more time, or if your child makes one more screeching noise then I am going to take it and break it over my knee. The phone or the baby. Or both. At this point I don't care. *takes a swig from emergency vodka bottle* Ugh… Next topic!

Black Licorice
Who the fuck eats black licorice? It is the worst taste in the entire world. I would rather put anything else, literally anything else, in my mouth. I would rather eat a box full of raccoons that had died in a fire that was started when someone lit a match too close to Nicolas Cage's filthy greasy hair. I would rather submerge my head in a vat of Gabriel Iglesias' body sweat, seal myself in and be forced to drink my way out. Do you even know anybody who likes black licorice; besides that creepy fuck in Candyland who looks like the resulting love child of Willy Wonka fucking a 17th century Spaniard? How does black licorice even continue to get made? It’s a goddamn disgrace. If more than like twelve people read this then I would say let's fucking start protesting black licorice production but there's not so I won't. Not to mention it’s a weird fucking word; since when did the letters C and E combine to make a “sh” sound? Oh that's right fucking never. Not only is it a fucking stupid word, but eating it also has unhealthy side effects. Some of these side effects include:

Impotence. Yeah, like anyone who eats black licorice regularly is getting laid anyways. Still a horrible horrible thing. But, it also makes women miss periods so maybe you could sneak some black licorice extract into your girlfriend's food, not like she wouldn’t taste that fucking disgusting shit, but it’s worth a shot.

Hypertension. Sweet now this fucking shit can give me a heart attack? You may as well smoke a couple packs and inject cholesterol into your arteries. If black licorice was a character in Harry Potter, it would hang out with Voldemort all the time and probably make weird creepy comments to an underage Hermione. Fucking pedo ass black licorice fuck.

Unintentional racism. Now, I don't think I need to point this out, but why does the shittiest tasting licorice in the world have to be labeled as black? Great, now some people are gonna think I'm a white supremacist Nazi asshole because I said I hate black licorice, thanks a lot, you shitty licorice spin-off, for making me look like a douche-fag.

So there it is. Black licorice will kill you and make you a limp dick, racist fuckface if you eat it. You heard it here first. I can see the newspaper headlines now: "Cliched Angst Ridden Teenager Brings Awareness To How Fucking Lame Black Licorice Is; Carlos Mencia Immediately Ordered To Eat The World's Supply"

Nicki Minaj
According to wikipedia, Nicki Minaj was born on December 8, 1984 in some fucking poor shit hole in the Caribbean that gets hit with hurricanes more than Charlie Sheen hits women. Apparently her father "drank alcohol, took drugs, and once tried to kill her mother by setting the house on fire.", aka what any normal person would have done if they had to live with Nicki Minaj and her mom. Too bad Nicki Minaj is probably Satan's mistress or some shit and can't be hurt by fire. Oh, here's a fun quote: "When I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly. The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot... and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing." It’s impossible to be sexy when you look like the fucking Cocoa Puffs bird with fake tits. This one is funny too: "While some songs and interviews have implied that Minaj is bisexual, she has said that she does not date nor have sex with women, but added in an interview with Out magazine, 'I don’t date men either'." As if anyone who has a normal amount of chromosomes would want their dick anywhere near that fucking abomination. This is a person who lists Lil Wayne as her main influence, not just in rapping but in real life. Lil Wayne is a worse fucking role model than Osama bin Laden. He shot himself in the chest ON ACCIDENT, and calls a guy named "Birdman" his daddy. I wouldn't be bothered at all by her horrific "songs" if she didn't get so much fucking attention for them. Sample lyrics from her smash hit "Your Love": 'S' on my chest cuz I'm ready to save him Cuz I'm the one like I'm Tracy McGrady. AGGGHHHHH it’s like a trifecta of shit lyrics. A fucking superman reference in a rap song, how original. I bet I won't find very many if I look it up on Google: Superman-Eminem, All Black Everything-Soulja Boy, Crank That Superman-Soulja Boy Superman-Brown Boy, Superman Song-Auburn, Superman-The Game, Superman-Skee Lo...that’s just from the first page. Yikes.

Then, it’s Nicki Minaj talking about sports, which is just stupid because she obviously doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Tracy McGrady has sucked dick for the last like three or four years. It’s not like he was ever anywhere close to the best in the NBA anyways.

Rhyming words that don't actually fucking rhyme. Uh, say it out loud. SAVE HIM/MCGRADY...Nope doesn't rhyme. Hey look everyone, I can rap like Nicki Minaj: If there were no consequences for my actions/I would blow her brains out the back of her head with a fucking shotgun. Didn't rhyme? Who cares just Auto-tune it. I'll say something about batman afterwards. Oh, and listen to the chorus of "Your Love". Its got a fucking stupid reference to Bruce Willis and then she goes BA BA DAT DAT DOH and it reminds me of Forrest Gump after that principal guy nails his mom. Don't try to fucking say that it’s just my opinion because you can't objectively judge music. Nicki Minaj does not make "music". She puts words TO music. There is a big difference. And the words she does put to music are stupid and unoriginal. If she weren't friends with Lil Wayne and if she didn't get whored out by the media no one would give a fuck about her at all. Next topic!

Stupid, fuckheaded sayings
Now, I know I’ve already covered this topic once before, but there a few more sayings that I’ve made short rants about, and I’d like to share them with you all.

"You can't judge a book by its cover!" Yes I fucking can. If some kid is wearing a tapout shirt and cargo shorts while hitting on some fat goth whore then I can be pretty fucking sure he is a tool. That doesn't make any sense, to not judge a book by the cover. That's where the fucking title is! Am I supposed to read half the fucker in Barnes and Noble? No. I do not have that kind of time to just spend at Barnes and Noble. I am also not one of those cheap fucks wearing a leather vest and slip on vans who just walk into a bookstore and read for hours without buying anything. So don't fucking preach to me that I can't judge a book by its cover.

"That was a game changing play!" Something Chris "I drank a gallon of paint thinner before the game" Collinsworth or some other fucking asshole sports announcer says. Oh really, Chris? No shit, that play changed the outcome of the game? It must be different from all the other fucking plays that had no effect whatsoever on the outcome of the game. FALSE! Every single fucking play changes the game. You are a professional announcer, it’s your goddamn job to entertain me with your speech, come up with something a little less generic than "that was a game changing play". At least John Madden was entertaining, even if he had the equivalent of a third grade literacy level.

"Expect the unexpected.” If you're expecting the unexpected then it’s not fucking unexpected. Should I walk outside right now and expect a pterodactyl to come swooping out of the sky and eat me? No. Should I expect fucktards to stop saying "no" instead of know in the comments sections on youtube? Unfortunately, no. Alright, let’s move on to today’s final topic:

Losing to the CPU in Mario Kart 64
Fucking Peach. Yeah, smooth move getting those three green koopa shells right before that big jump in Wario's dirt track. I also like how your stupid whore princess brain made you shoot them all at such an angle that they (ALL FUCKING THREE OF THEM) bounce back and forth in front of the jump. One of them is bound to hit me! Sure enough, one of them did. Right as that dago fuck head Luigi drove past me, laughing because he picked up a star, and ran through the koopa shells like Tony Siragusa through a post game spread. Of course I don't have enough fucking speed to clear that god damn jump and have to deal with being half a fucking lap behind. No star cup for me! FUCK. I actually like that track though. The one that sucks is the one with all the fucking traffic and I think its on a bridge? Anyways, whose fucking bright idea was it to have a go-kart race on a freeway? And why is the freeway one way? I always get ran over by some fucking asshole in a semi truck and then ever so gently float back to earth while I fight the urge to chuck my controller into the fucking wall. 9 times out of 10 I will lose to whoever I'm playing by like 40 seconds on that track. Fuck that noise. I'd rather jump off the side of rainbow road. Speaking of rainbow road, I love jumping right before that big huge drop at the beginning. What I don't like is when Bowser decides to be King of the Fuck Heads and drive right under me so that I land on him and wipe out. I don't care if I am Toad, if a fucking go-kart lands on a turtle he should eat shit too. That's just simple physics. Another thing that makes me want to throw a few infants into a woodchipper is when I miss the shortcut on the beach track. If you don't know which shortcut I'm talking about, then I want you to find your childhood and dispose of it because obviously it wasn't worth shit. It's just a simple yellow ramp with red arrows! I don't get how I can think I'm lined up perfectly and then just fucking plow into the side of the rocks like they're your mom. That ramp is cursed. SO are those fucking dick penguins that jump out in front of you. What kind of sick asshole jumps headfirst in front of speeding go-karts? Do they not realize that if I fall in the water I will freeze and somebody's gonna have to pull me out with a fishing pole? That shit isn't fun! Plus it usually puts me in like 7th place. So thanks penguins, for nothing. They probably like to hang out with those doucher snowmen that live in the snow level. Mario raceway...Now there's a classy place. Of course Luigi has to fucking copy his brother and build one similar to it. Mario and Luigi remind me of Peyton and Eli Manning. I bet Mario is always like "hey Luigi remember when they called the video game MARIO kart and not LUIGI kart. Hahahaha faggot!!!!". And then Luigi probably goes off and whines to their dad. Last but not least, Yoshi's track...Who in their right mind wants to drive though that shit hole? It's like racing in some poor fucking African country. Real smart, too, with the sections that are like 3 feet wide with 200 foot cliffs on the side. Yeah I'm sure no one has died from falling down those. Yoshi is one sick freak. If I'm losing really bad, I always get a kick out of just waiting somewhere for Yoshi and then Lee Harvey Oswalding (yeah I really just made him a verb) his ass with one of those homing koopa shells. No one can get away from that shit. Especially the blue ones, those will fuck your shit up if you're in the lead. I also enjoy getting quad bananas and then deploying them right behind the ? boxes so that someone won't see them until it’s too late HAHAHAHA FUCKING SPUN YOU OUT BITCH; getting a star and plowing the shit out of people like I'm Ray J and they're Kim Kardashian; being Bowser and starting in the back of Toad or some puny fuck and just absolutely smashing their face into the steering wheel when I get a boost; shooting koopa shells at people right before the turns at Bowser's castle so they fall into the lava like dipshits; and finally, winning the Star Cup and going balls deep in Princess Peach later that night after slamming a copious number of Jagerbombs at the afterparty.

And that just about does it for this week’s Furious Friday! I hope you enjoyed it! I know that it's actually Saturday as I'm posting this, and I'm really sorry! Life chose to be stupid and interfere with the upload schedule, but at least now it's posted! Again, really sorry for the delay, guys, I'll try to make sure it doesn't happen again. Anyways, I’m gonna try something new, and it involves you, the viewers. I want you to comment below a few things that piss you off,and I’ll make rants about them. I’ll try to feature at least one user’s pet peeves in each episode from here on out, so if you think that’s a good idea, then tell me what irks you, and I’ll rant about it for you!

Deuces, guys!