comparison~! · 1:49am Aug 15th, 2015
ORIGINAL
Summer.
A suffocating box of heat. That’s what it was. In the shortest possible way, in the shortest amount of words, that’s how I would describe summer.
Stupid summer.
Summer wasn’t subtle, it wasn’t secretive. It didn’t bother hiding its presence. From the moment it woke you up it was there, leaving you craving something else to wash it away. The only pool I would know over these long months was the pool of sweat that clung to my coat. It gave you no rest.
And neither did my family, the Apples.
Summer was our busiest month and everypony and anypony had to pull their share.
It just wasn’t fair!
I didn’t even have my cutie mark yet and I was out there from dawn past dusk, busting my rump for apples. And what was my reward. Nuthing! Nuthing but stupid apples. Apples, apples, apples! That was what my summer amounted to! Red, yellow, orange, green; they were all there. Never giving me peace.
Summer wasn’t a box of heat, oh no. There was something that represented it even more accurately. Something even worse, you might say. I know I’d say it was worse.
Summer was an apple. It was the rotten core of a tossed apple that not even the pigs would touch.
Bah, apples!
EXPANDED THUS FAR
Summer.
Summer was a suffocating box of heat. That’s what it was. In the shortest possible way, in the shortest amount of words, that’s how I would describe summer. It was one of those boxes Daring Do might get trapped in during one of her many adventures. You’re trapped there when slowly you notice something off. Besides the wall spikes of doom, that is. The walls are slowly encroaching into the little amount of free space that you have. Summer is a box and it’s going to kill me.
Summer, why did it have to be summer?
Summer wasn’t subtle creature, it wasn’t secretive like a snake. It didn’t bother hiding its presence, like a lone predator. From the moment it woke you up, it was there, leaving you craving something else to wash it away, a cool glass of lemonade or a friend's backyard pool. But, no, it wasn’t to be.The only pool I would know over these long months of this dreaded season was to be the pool of sweat that clung to my coat, may I never forgive my sister for not letting me shave it all off. Heat gave you no rest.
And neither did my family, the Apples. Especially Applejack, mah big sis.
Normally, Ah love her and all, but...
Summer was our busiest month. That meant everypony and anypony had to pull their share if they wanted a roof over their head and a meal on their plate.
It just wasn’t fair!
I didn’t even have my cutie mark yet and I was out there before Celestia would even considered raising the sun, to well past dusk. Just to bust my rump for apples. And what was my reward for my hard work? Nuthing! Nuthing, but stupid apples. Apples, apples, apples! That was what my summer amounted to! Red, yellow, orange, green; they were all there. Never giving me peace. Applejack told me something about family pride being my source of satisfaction but do I sound satisfied to you?
Summer ain’t a box of heat, oh apple bucking no. I knew there was something else, something that represented it even more accurately than a stinkin’ box. Might be even worse, Ah’d might say, than a box. Actually, Ah know Ah’d say it was worse.
Summer was an apple. Not just any apple! it...it was one of the reject apples. fallen from the tree after the lightest breeze, with its insides all chewed out from some wriggly worm or other creepy crawly. Not even the farm’s pigs would touch one of those squishy buggers.
Stinkin’ apples!
Wellll?
IMO, both have merits. The first is more pithy - I feel it more. Seems to me more like how Apple Bloom would think. I'd recommend adding the lines about AJ from the second to the first.
Also, "stinkin'" instead of "Bah".
Eh...I actually preferred the first. It lacked finesse, but at least it didn't dawdle like the latter. Just polish that bad boy up a bit, maybe bring some of the color from the re-write to the original, and I'd call that good enough.