Types of writers. · 3:01am Jul 16th, 2012
After consuming copious amounts of fried goods at a country fair I attended, I decided to be one of those people and put all of the worlds many talented writers in one of three categories. Because, well, hey. Every writer thinks he's got a brand new way to view things, and by God, I deserve my attempt to be pompous!
Type one: The Intellectual.
The Intellectual is the type of writer that makes you feel bad, due to how precise his words are. His weapon is a sharpened pencil, and his armor is the entire grammar rule book he memorized before he even could walk. This man will spin you in circles with his word usage- including words you didn't even know existed until they came from his mouth, find contradictions in your defense testimony, and sleep with your wife, all while writing a comparative essay on Faulkner's works and the evolution of the writing techniques of the early 19th century.
Type two: The Artist.
The Artist is The Dude of the writing world. He's got a plan, a goal, and a purpose to the story he's creating. The only problem is, he forgot about it halfway through writing. Which is a shame, as the twist he was working on really tied the story together, man. It's a vivid, colorful world he creates, like a waterpark filled with Rainbows. Just hang on tight, though. If you miss or don't understand even one of his rambling metaphors, you'll be lost faster than a blind man that was taken snipe hunting. (Har de har, country joke.) He has a lot of critics, due to his roundabout way of answering questions and building characters, but it doesn't bug him. That's just, like, their opinion, man.
Type three: The Jock
The Jock is a mild mannered writer, kind and open to family and friends. Until he starts writing. Then he transforms into a ravenous Kill Beast who solves all of his character's problems with a punch to their mouth, dick, or (if they're the elusive wordy Jock) their tibia. If punches don't kill a villain in the story, you bet your ass a magic sword will. Or, if it's a modern setting, then the protagonist will use Power word: Gun.
The Jock doesn't mince words. If a character says something, it's either important, cool, or importantly cool. Type One's (Intellectuals, if looking up strains your neck) will call this style "Minimalism." A true Writer Jock will blatantly ignore the intellectual and his wordiness, and name his next book "Comrade Conrad: The Neck Punching Nazi Hunter" just out of spite towards the smart people.
Now, the important thing to remember is this: Like Pokemon, the three types have various strengths and weaknesses against one another. Jocks, for example, will roundhouse kick and Artist, due to their superior Story Finishing time.. Artists will overcome the conformity of Intellectuals, and do their own thing in their own writing style, besting the Intellectual in the Uniqueness department. And Intellectuals will use their grammar powers and mastery of the English language against the jocks, exploiting their weaknesses. Namely, Grammar. And Not Punching Things. That's a weakness too.
And with that, I've created my longest blog post ever. Joy!
I fucking love this. Full stop!
Though I feel it's too limited...Hrm. I may give this some thought myself.
Also, ah memories of taking people snipe hunting. I once got one guy twice, kid you not. That became a lot less funny when I learned there really are birds called snipes.