Real Talk. · 11:29am Apr 2nd, 2015
Being the huge nerd that I am, a few (and then some) years ago I found Shamus Young’s DM of the Rings, a screencap webcomic hilariously turning the Lord of The Rings movie trilogy into… well, the same thing; only as it would have happened if it had been some gaming group’s D&D campaign in a hypothetical parallel world where Lord of The Rings didn’t exist.
It was pretty good, and I enjoyed it immensely. Anyone with even a passing interest in tabletop roleplaying and/or LotR should take a look at it.
…
Fast forward a few years, to the early summer/spring of 2012.
I sat one day, bored in front of my computer. To ease my boredom, I decided to look for a new webcomic to read. Remembering two key facts, that I had enjoyed DM of the Rings and that it had a TvTropes page somewhere; I turned to that vast web of lost time in the hopes of finding another comic of that nature.
It turns out this was the right track. Scrolling through that list though, one particular entry caught my attention; Friendship is Dragons, which apparently did to MLP what DM of the Rings had done to LotR.
I was confused. My only knowledge of the barest existence of the MLP franchise was a few vague memories of some horrid (probably G3/3.5) toy commercials I had glimpsed on TV years before, from which I had recoiled in horror and noped away immediately.
How could a campaign comic be made from that disgusting crap? How could sickeningly pink, girly, ugly toys support the mere thought of a group of typical gamers/adventurers? How could these two opposing forces be reconciled? Nerd stuff and brainless commercialist girlsplosion somehow combined? What?
I had to check it out.
And so I set out, clicking to the very beginning of the (back then) 150+ page archive.
And I began to read, stealthily, unseen, hiding my tracks so I wouldn’t be seen with such unmanly rabble displayed on my monitor. And I followed these ponies’ RPG adventure shenanigans; with a doubting, critical eye at first.
And then inquisitively.
And then with a distinct sense of appreciation. I liked that comic. It was actually pretty great!
Although… I felt something was missing. The comic’s readers formed a great community; laughing together, reveling in their shared interest in ponies and roleplaying games; often sharing anecdotes of their past adventures in the worlds of fantasy and magic. It’s often joked that half of the comic’s fun comes from its comment section.
But I did feel like I was missing out on something. As is often the case when jumping into a group of people who all share a single interest you don’t, I often felt left out of the loop. The fandom-specific jokes and references flew over my head, and I could feel them passing by. It really dampened the fun, I felt.
So, one fateful day, after (I think) reading many references to a certain “Crackle” entity that I failed to grasp, I had enough. It was time. Time to man up, time to grab my courage with both hands, time to do something I should have done weeks earlier.
It was time to watch a show for little girls.
So I searched, and I found, and I watched.
And well, I think you can all guess that I loved it. I loved it enough to watch all the episodes. I loved it enough to go check out that “Equestria Daily” thing I’d heard about. I loved it enough to admit to myself that yes, I loved these ponies and their adorable lives. I loved it enough that when I saw, on EQD, something presented as “fanfiction”, I thought “why not?”
And so I clicked, and it led me here. Here specifically.
The rest is history, I guess. I read. I read more. I read even more. I eventually caved in and made an account, to let me track all those stories, all those words, all those worlds. And still I read.
But then a thought occurred. A silly, mad thought descended from the realms of nonsense, and burrowed into my brainmeat like a spiderseed hoping to germinate into a bright treehive of funmadness;
“What if I wrote too?”
What if I took those ideas roiling in my head, these ideas of ponies and adventures and laughter and sadness and fun and death, of characters and actions, of moods and places; and gave them back to the place they had come to me from? What if I gave back instead of just taking?
And so I did. I wrote a little thousand-word blotch of an inkling of a beginning of an idea; and, blood pumping, hands shaking and heart pounding, I put it out for the world to see.
It didn’t go far… (the whole "getting featured" thing would only happen almost a year later)
But it was fun! It was an amazing feeling! I had, for the first time in my life, voluntarily exposed my skills and my worth to a crowd of strangers! And I was perhaps not loved, or adored, or even noticed much; but I was at least generally appreciated by the few who took the time to spare a glance my way. It was a wonderful feeling and I craved more! It was fresh and new, and I loved that it was a thing that could happen to me.
So I did it again. The next chapter was longer, and felt even better. So I continued that way for a while. Between September 2012 and the start of 2013, I wrote 9665 words. Which is pretty good in a little less than four months when you're just starting out.
In the span of 2013, I wrote hella words; 100 188.
In 2014, 55890.
In 2015, as of right now… 8720. At the rate I'm going, I'd expect no more than 34 000 for the whole year.
…Do you notice a pattern?
I do. I’ve been noticing that pattern for months. Years, even. That pattern has grown to be the bane of my existence, the waking nightmare that taints my every moment on this site. I looked, for the longest time, for things to blame for it. Last year I blamed winter. Later I blamed my stale playlist of music. I even generally blamed my own laziness all this time, just to be sure.
I was wrong. I finally got it.
All this time, my failure to update on time, the pressure of trying, the guilt of not delivering as often as I’d like; the vicious cycle of not doing enough making me feel like too much of a piece of shit to do enough in the first place; the constant tug-of-war between my desire to finish my damn stories and the feeling of “I-owe-you-guys-some-damn-words” on one side and the helplessness and anger of “I fucking can’t!” on the other; the amount of time spent trying desperately to write just one little hundred words today brain, please just do it you piece of shit, can’t you even do that much?
I know why now. I don’t know why it even took so long to figure it out.
I think I’m losing interest in writing horsewords.
It used to be fun. It isn’t anymore. It feels like work now, a chore, an obligation. I have three incomplete stories, that a total of 2289 people enjoyed enough to press a green button for. At least 2300 people (and that's judging from upvotes alone, nevermind how many bookshelved them without voting) who probably want me to finish them, who would like to see how they end, who would enjoy me writing more.
At least 2300+ people I HAVE to WORK for.
And I know. You don’t have to tell me. “No I don’t”. I don’t have to do it. I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t have to feel this pressure I’m applying entirely by myself on myself.
Well guess what. IT STILL FUCKING HAPPENS.
And it’s the real root of the problem. I feel like shit for not doing the things I feel I must; feeling like shit makes me unproductive, makes me procrastinate even more than usual, makes me even more lazy; thus I do even less, and feel even worse, and it keeps spiraling downwards until I hate myself entirely, unreasonably too much for something that’s just supposed to be for fun. And I hate that only slightly less than the infinity of self-loathing it puts me in.
And, well, honestly… it needs to stop. Seeing as I can’t just reprogram my brain to be less of a clusterfuck of bullshit, I’m forced to look for the next, easiest alternative.
I need a break.
I need to step back from …this shit I flung everywhere around myself while I tried to paint the fucking walls with the poetry I wanted to give you.
And I hate having to even say this. I hate tying that rope around my neck and putting myself at risk of becoming one of those people who leave the site and never come back; I know how much it sucks to see people go away from something you still love because they can’t take it anymore, and just writing all of this makes me feel like a fucking coward, a quitter. The lame-ass motherfucker who couldn’t handle the oh-so-terrible pressure of writing MLP fanfiction for fucking funsies.
But I also know this fucking paragraph just above is also a part of the problem. It’s what kept me trying so damn hard for so stupidly long, despite clearly seeing it wasn’t working. It’s why it got so bad in the first place, and exactly why I need to do precisely what it tells me to avoid.
TL;DR:
I’m taking a break. I’ll forbid myself from even thinking about writing for a month, and see where it goes from there. Hopefully I’ll find the spark again, and with the way I already take months between each chapter I put out you probably won't even notice my vacation. I'll probably keep hanging out around here, but I won't write anything at all.
See ya on the first of May.
P.S. I deliberately chose to write this on April 2nd because I wanted to avoid having people think this is a joke, and because I didn’t want to wait a whole other month/week/whatever to say this.
If you still think this is a prank, kindly go to hell.
P.P.S. Yes, I’m aware of the irony of writing 1700 words to explain how I can’t force myself to even write fifty anymore. Sue me, I found something easy to write about for the first time in months; I wasn’t going to refrain from the indulgence.
well dang :O do whatcha gotta, man!
Burnout is definitely a thing. Go recharge.
When thou returnest, I shall be here if thou desirest me to tear one of thy fics to shreds. Or review it, if thou preferest. Regardless, best of luck with thy down-time.
*hugs*
This is not a good thing you're going through. Definitely, DEFINITELY take a break.
It is a part of the problem, but I think it is in a slightly different way that you think it is. I am not trying to give you a hard time, but I know from experience that negative self-talk only makes you feel worse. So you are NOT a coward, NOT a quitter, NOT a lame....etc etc etc. You are NOT. And every time you start insulting yourself again, tell yourself that it's not true, and repeat "I am not a loser" and do it again, replacing "loser" with whatever else you're thinking--because you are not a loser, or any of the other things you're thinking. You're human and that's fine.
I'll be honest... Also based on my experience, it can take a significant amount of time before you start to believe that you aren't _____________ (you can fill in the blank). It's worth it though. You don't deserve to be constantly beat up, even if you're the one doing the beating. Enjoy the new season of My Little Pony, have fun, take a break, and treat yourself kindly. I hope you have a really great month, or however long you need to recover from this!
Self deprecation can be good in small amounts, but not when it becomes something you yourself believe. Believe me, I know that from experience. I've said this multiple times to multiple authors, but, if you need time? Just say so. We'll be fine here, go have fun. Take a break! Go to gorram Disney-world or something! Basically, take time to have fun. You're only Human after all. You have limits, your wants, your needs, all that good stuff that makes us individuals. We've had our wants satisfied, go satisfy yours!
If you feel like that, I mean, don't even-, just; take a break, and at least try not to feel bad about it. Try having some fun and stuff, don't worry, we'll most probably still be around here when you'll feel up for returning.
Then, well, I will anyway, at least in part. Heck, I might not be helping if I say that I enjoy your stories, but, when writing them changes from being fun and into chore, I can't ask you to continue writing them. We're here for the fun, as you said you are. Sure, we readers might enjoy updates, but I'm certain that no one wants you to feel forced to continue writing, especially when you don't feel like it.
So, try having fun on your break, put your mind off writing, maybe read/watch/play something entertaining, and don't worry about us here!
Hope you feel better after some time off.
If there were a function for liking blogposts, this would certainly receive one from me. I would recommend writing something else. Writing for fun is dependent on what you currently enjoy, if ponies no longer tantilize your neurons, than write about something else. Go play some dnd for inspiration, read a good book. But if you totally quit writing, you may never start again, and that would be a tragedy. Generally speaking, writing is hard and if you break your writing habit, that difficulty may cause you to put it off. Perhaps it is a different case with you, maybe writing is your favorite thing to do all the time and you breath the written word. I doubt it. Anyone you writes as well as you puts though into what they write; though takes time and effort. But anyone who writes as well as you must also enjoy it. So find something that revitalizes your muse, ponies will wait.
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Well, it's not like I quit all forms of creative endeavors in the year since this blog.
I'm making a comic, which does involve writing. It's lots of fun, since I can easily skip all the boring descriptions and just show what I have in mind.