Education Is Actually Really Awesome · 8:48pm Mar 10th, 2015
Aragón opened the door and got in with a heavy sigh. “Golly gee, this has been a horrible day,” he said. “Hi, Dad!”
Dad was sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper and sipping coffee from a mug that read 'Hitler's Father Had An Easier Life Than Me (Seriously, Fuck My Son)'. He didn't look at Aragón, he merely nodded to acknowledge he existed. “You're an abomination. I wish I could retroactively abort you,” he said.
Aragón nodded. “Yeah, exactly like I tell you. A horrible day.”
“Yesterday I injected arsenic in your right eyeball. With a used syringe I stole from the hospital.”
“Like, when I was in the bus, I overheard a couple guys talking about how school sucks.” Aragón sat on the sofa right next to his father, who was still reading that newspaper. “And it pissed me off big time, y'know? I couldn't focus at all the rest of the day.”
“You should be dead by now. Why aren't you dead yet.”
“I mean, for starters? I fucked up in court, and now my client is facing the death penalty.” Aragón frowned. “Which is fucking weird, because last time I checked death penalty is illegal in this country. Also, I'm an accountant.”
“Why do you insist on haunting my existence.”
Aragón shrugged. “I just can't get why people think school is uncool. School is the most awesome thing ever!”
Dad took another sip from the mug. His voice was more bitter than coffee itself. “My life is hell.”
“Fuck yes. Learning is wicked cool.” Aragón crossed his arms. “And I'm going to prove it!” he said as he looked for something in his bag. “Come on, it's somewhere in here...”
“Hm?” The room opened, and in came Mother, carrying some groceries. “Oh, son! You came back?”
“Yeah, I wanted to see Dad.”
“I see, I see.” Mother looked at Dad. “Honey? Do you want your shotgun?”
“Please.”
Mother nodded and went out of the room, the groceries forgotten on the ground.
“Oh, the shotgun?” Aragón looked at Dad, still looking for something in his bag. “We're doing that now?”
“Don't talk to me,” Dad replied.
“Do you want to strangle me while Mom brings it here?”
“I'll do it, but not because you asked me to.”
“Hmm.” Aragón lowered his gaze as the hands of his father closed around his throat. “I can't find it! Where on Earth...?”
“HNNNNNNG!” Dad's face got red. A vein popped on his forehead. “HNNNNNNGGGGRRAAAAARGH!”
“Woah. You've got quite the grip, don't you?” Aragón smiled at Dad. “You could crush a coconut with this pressure!”
“RAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”
Crack!
“Hah! You broke my neck! Ain't that cool.” Aragón shifted his attention towards the bag once more. “Now, lemme see...”
“Here's the shotgun!” Mother re-entered the room, the weapon secure under her arm. “Ah, you're choking him?”
“GRAAAAAAARGGGGHHHHH!”
“Here it is!” Aragón finally said, smiling. He took a book out of his hand. “The physics schoolbook I used in third grade! I read it again to show those guys in the bus that learning is good!”
“Guys in the bus?” Mother asked.
“Yeah!” Aragón opened the book and looked at a random place. “Oh, man. Gravity! I remember learning about gravity. It was so cool!”
“That's fine, son—”
“In fact, look at this!” Aragón pointed at the bag of groceries on the ground. “I'll use my gravity on that bag!”
“Wait, what?”
The bag rose and started orbiting around Aragón and his choking father. It made a “nyoooom” noise. Nyoooooooom.
“WHAT THE EVERLOVING HELL IS THAT?!” Mother asked, taking a step back and looking at Aragón in horror. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE GROCERIES?!”
“I'm gravitying them!” Aragón said, smiling. “Isn't it cool?”
“THAT'S NOT HOW GRAVITY WORKS!”
A pause.
Nyoooooooom.
“It's not?”
“NO, YOU DUMB FUCK!”
“Oh. Well, that was embarrassing.” The groceries bag fell to the ground again. “Gravity is still cool!”
“RAAAAAARGH!” Dad finally let Aragón's neck go. “This is useless. Honey, give me the shotgun.”
“Here.”
“Well then, let me just pick the groceries.” Aragón got up from the sofa and looked at his mother. “Where do I put them? In the fridg—?”
BLAM!
The explosion filled the room, echoed against the walls, made the ground tremble. Dad pointed the shotgun at Aragón and shot two more times.
BLAM! BLAM!
Aragón fell like a ragdoll, limbs limp like boiled spaghetti.
There was a moment of silence.
“Is... Is it over?” Mother whispered. “Did you...?”
“I...” Dad smiled for the first time in twenty years. “I think it is! I did it! I DID IT! I FUCKING DID IT! I—!”
“Woah! Hahah.” Aragón got up. “That was wild! See, the bullets had a small mass, but their acceleration was so great that they still had strength!” He looked at the camera, gave it a thumbs-up, and smiled. “And I know that because I went to my classes! Education is awesome, kids!”
“WHAT KIND OF FUCKING DEVILSPAWN ARE YOU?!”
“And remember, kids, there is no such thing as 'too cool for school'! Learning is the best thing you can do!”
BLAM! BLAM!
“WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!”
“Because education!”
EDUCATION
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!
So my laptop broke and I'm borrowing one from a friend till it's fixed.
I thought I'd write something weird to, y'know, give this laptop a rite of passage. It ended being way too weird even for me, and it's actually kind of disturbing. What the fuck.
wlpshenry.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/5/2/12523834/2570843_orig.jpg
Education is awesome though! Its how I became a planeswalking wizard! Stay in school kids, and then go get smarter so that you can make your teachers look dumb and get revenge for all that homework!
So... inspiring...
And thus, a masterpiece of the ages was born.
When's the movie coming out?
Revelation 22:13
Also, apparently, Aragon.
Aristotle:
Wow...this seems like it'd be something, at least from my point of view, as random as it is. It's like...a unicorn...disguised as a human...with human parents...that want him dead...
(Mind Blown)
O.o
I actually want to see where this goes. Make more please.
Aragon does a Pineta blog. Huh. This is surreal.
And gravity totally works that way. The Earth just interferes with grocery orbits.
2865802 My headcanon is that nothing is too disturbing for Aragon. Let the randomness continue! Onward!
I know I probably should have been expecting something like this, but this blog is weird, even measured by your standards.
Btw, my literary-critic-side of me still can't decide whether you actually want to tell us something important or were just writing bullshit. According to my teachers this probably means you wrote some kind of masterpiece.
I'm rolling around on the floor laughing right now. I don't even know how I typed this comment.
This ju...no wait...THIS JUST MADE MY NIGHT!
I have no fucking clue how or why it did but it made me smile, like big time but it had no right to do that at all because it's so random and weird and yes, slightly fucked up!
Cheers to random fucked upness and education!
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Yep, this wasn't precisely cool. This was a little disturbing.
That was probably my favorite part. Can I use that as my senior quote?
One, shotguns don't shoot bullets. They shoot slugs, buckshot, birdshot, flechettes, beanbags, sabot, fragmentation rounds, grenade rounds, tear gas/pepper spray rounds, rubber slugs, rubber buckshot, frangible breaching rounds, timed explosives (bird bombs), pyrotechnic whistles (screechers), bolo rounds, incendiary rounds (dragon's breath), or even electroshock units (tasers). EVERYTHING BUT BULLETS, ARAGON.
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The first time the character of Dad appeared in a blog post, he said that his shotgun shot bullets. You mentioned how that was wrong.
So I kept it in this one. Because I'm a prick.
The acceleration part was on purpose (bullets -- or whatever -- don't accelerate after being shot, I know that). It's just that Aragón (the character) is fucking dumb.
2865980 Aragon, I listed several rounds, then like a dozen non-lethal rounds, then some more specialty rounds, then some experimental military rounds, all for your dad to learn to load the gun correctly!
I will think of this in my daily battles to school.
Psychiatrists must love you.
Well, I'm impressed: of all the reading that I've done about physics, this is the first time that I've seen "gravity" used as a verb.
THIS.
Oh, my!
That would probably actually get someone's attention in class...
Those nincompoops might even learn something!
You know, I would print this out and frame it, but I don't know if I can afford the expen-
Fuck it. Fuck money. I'm gonna frame this bitch.
Where's my wallet I need to throw it at someone because
2865915
I saw Octavia Harmony (my main editor, the guy who complains about the shotgun bullets in the comments here) saying in one blog that the weirdest story he's ever edited is mine, and that "he's not sure if it should even count," because it comes from me and my stories tend to be... Weird, I guess?
My blogposts are downright surreal, though, I know that. So I took my general rule towards comedies (general funny concept, an actual message under the whole thing, a parody of something unrelated to anything else for no reason) and wrote a purposely weird blog post in one go.
So yeah. 50% me actually saying something important, 50% me bullshitting you and being amused at your confusion. You hit the nail square on this one.
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Dad very well could load his own shotgun shells, and fill them with bullets.
You know, just putting that out there.
2866619 You mean like putting .22 bullets into a shotgun shell?
I guess. I assume that his dad would be so desperate to kill Aragon that he would shoot a shotgun round full of more rounds.
Actually, in many aspects, school kind of sucks.
I will agree that education is awesome. In the words of Mark Twain: "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Also, because I cannot help myself:
While indeed Dad does seem to possess irritation, vexation, and/or distress, and unless you're planning on bringing back the archaic definition (because you're Old School like that), I believe the word you are looking for in this context is grip. Alternatively, Dad is complaining so much that it places Aragón under enough stress to crush a coconut. However, the use of the word "smiled" implies that Aragón is not stressed, so I'm going to have to go with the former, even though the latter option is much more amusing than physical abuse.
I'm just going to leave this ----> LOL WUT? <---- right there and slowly back away... And eventually come back because that was both disturbing and interesting.
♪ Education's awesome!
Education's cool when you're part of the team!
Education's awesome!
And your dad forever screams! ♪
What the fucking fuck did I just read...?
I love you.
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