) and I've put it off many times, so, I'm putting it out to all of you.should i rewrite it? · 10:32am Mar 9th, 2015
I do not hold any ill will against this commentor, and i ask that you don't either, but after reading this comment
Fair warning, I'm going to be brutally honest in this review.
I'm glad this story is over, but for far too many wrong reasons.
#1 - The introduction of Blueblood.
If 'Alchemist' was the plan all along, you did a horrible job on foreshadowing him. Frankly, it really felt as if Blueblood was the plan all along, and Alchemist was just this ass-pull to fight of the backlash.
#2 - Poly-juice, really?
You couldn't think up a name of your own? For such an over-used and flexible plot-device as a magical potion? You had to go for one of the most well known fantasy stories of all time and steal the idea so blatantly?
Think that was the moment I got utterly jarred out of the story actually. Don't get me wrong, great artist steal and all that... but even keeping the name went from inspiration slash homage straight into rip-off territory.
An evil doppelganger? Fine. One based on a totally different franchise's magic system in a non-crossover? No, just... no.
#3 - That Promethean ending for Alchemist was just wretched.
I can get Luna being pissed. Mamma bear, and all that.
But suffering horrible agony for eternity, for what according to the rest of plot was literal insanity?!
It doesn't make Luna look good, wise or righteous, it makes her a worse monster than Alchemist and Nightmare Moon ever were! The moment the idea that the potion was driving him mad Luna should have gone right back, and undone that horrible curse so that Alchemist could recive psyciatric treatment!
Heck, remember how Trixie —the fan favorite I might add, almost enslaved Ponyville that one time? Same type of deal, and she got a slap on the fetlock since she was driven mad by a magical artifact!
See why those two side by side is rather problematic when they're meant to have taken place in the same world?
#4 - Seriously, why wasn't the point of Luna being in the wrong ever brought up?
Had it been brought up that such 'wrath of the gods' type punishments are horrible outdated and the other ponies utterly mortified with Luna, that would have been a dark but intriguing character moment.
Would she have seen the errors of her ways... or be utterly unrepentant?
But Luna doesn't even consider the possibility of pardoning Alchemist from his fate, not even when his absence causes problems for her nephew.
Instead it just... never really gets brought up. Because apparent might makes right, and the princesses are above all laws, because they are these petty things mortals need fear.
To be blunt, that is a wretched moral, and I sincerely hope it was unintentional.
#5 - None of the victories felt earned, and none of the losses mattered.
Nightmare Moon resigned herself to oblivion... but somehow still ended up a star. Because. Somehow.
Stellar was horribly maimed... and honestly didn't even seem that bothered outside the chapters it happened in. She just recovered far, far too quickly, both physically and mentally. Perfect example, when she got introduced to Blueblood, and barely stuttered for a bit before taking Luna's word; a real person —let alone a kid, in that situation would have been in screaming hysterics at best so soon after being maimed by a sadist.
Luna is never punished for the horrible and illegal torture she is performing indefinitely on Alchemist.
The Mane Six just faded away from the story... and never really came back. Even in that epilogue they just got a token mention, and through a rather obvious 'bone to the shippers' type way. How exactly do they feel about all that happened? Did they really not do anything more interesting during four years than get hitched and shag each-other?
Diamond Tiara was her usual self... AND SUDDENLY, TRAGIC BACK-STORY! That got resolved the same chapter, and somehow her remembering that trauma was the same as actually working through it and changing her ways.
Honestly, 80-90% of the problems with this story came after it went from a sweet if dark retelling of Past Sins but with a human, to this... Saw with ponies thing that needed the rest of the story to just deal with the fallout.
I wanted to believe you had a plan for these troubling elements and stayed silent... but now I'm seeing 'Completed' there, and none of them really got more than cuteness based speckle plastered over the cracks.
Frankly, I am deeply, deeply disappointed with how much potential this story just pissed away on that entire 'Alchemist' debacle.
I'm removing this from my favorites and changing that up-vote to a down-vote. Didn't think I'd feel this angry at actually reaching the end of a story, but this one proved me wrong.
Think you've got talent and on the technical level you're quite good a writer, but sitting through 'Hostel, but with a filly' without any actually good pay-off at the end made me see red. In hindsight with how the rest of the story played out, that entire act broke the rest of the story, and was just blatant heart-string tugging.
Actions should have consequences, be they literal good or bad for the characters... not be glossed-over emotional blackmail to force the reader to see the protagonist as in the right by default.
I am honestly not sure. He does make a few points and, truth be told, i'm not sure if i wanted to go down the dark path for this story anyway. I just got the idea and tried it out, and since so few seemed against it, i went on with it, but now i'm not so sure. Should i rewrite the fic without the dark and just try another approach, or should i write another version of the fic, where all that dark stuff with blueblood and tiara never happened?
I mean, i have been wondering about it and it would be nice to try it from that angle, so as to not have to deal with the dark, but i'm not sure. What do you all think? I mean, i'd be happy to do it, a nicer fic with different workings would certainly be nice; i could focus on my original idea of stellar having to live as a living prison for nightmare. what do you honestly think?
If enough of you agree that i should try writing an alternate version where all the stuff with blueblood and tiara never happened, i will do it
Hmmm, Yes, I think you should go ahead and do that. I mean, never argue with the author when they want to write more stories
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Well, if you feel up to it and have the patience to rework something from the beginning, go for it. If you don't feel very attached to the story, there is no harm in learning from your mistakes, cutting your losses, and moving on.
I was fine with the dark tag, I didn't mind it. What bothered me was that Steller seemed to recover from her ordeal FAR to quickly. She learns that she loses her family and goes catatonic, but has her horn chopped and wings ripped off and doesn't so much as have one nightmare about it? That's not normal. And Tiara going from No-ones-as-good-as-me to I-don't-deserve-to-be-loved was very jarring. So Tiara gets a psychologist, and Steller doesn't? When Steller had to live though what this... butcher did to her?
I agree, it need a rewrite. Especially in the later chapters.
i can honestly say i loved this story and wouldn't change a thing about it, sure problem here or there but all stories got em i think this should stay the way it is, all stories have plot holes and such if you look hard enough, while other are left open for interpretation some are fixed in the sequels . you should be proud of this regardless of what others think
stayclassy
Frankly I must say I'm inclined to agree with him/her. However I don't mind the dark tag (A little sudden in terms of plot progression, but hell, nobody foresees a kidnapping most of the time).
The thing that I mostly agree on is something that's not unique to your story unfortunately, and that was the part where he/she mentions consequences, specifically in the torture/ trauma part. Too many times do i see writes add plot elements like maiming, accidents and death that seem to only add a chapters worth of psychological damage to the character before they simply get over it for 'reasons'.
Its how I differentiate between a good and a great story. If one can balance these consequences and not just throw them in for a quick dramatic scene, then they show that these points matter.
Also remember you chose to make you main protagonist a child, that means that you cant expect them to behave and think like an adult would.
Now I don't want to say i disliked the story. I did stop reading it, but that was mostly because i didn't have time to catch up. What i did read, i enjoyed. You are not a bad writer, what i would say is learn from this. Some of his points are fair and frankly fairly easy to fix if you wish, but in future endeavors you should look back on them and see if they might help improve your next story. Trust me i wish i got an angry if well thought-out essay like this back when I started. Haha
-Madness
Honestly I think if you rewrote the story it'd be a little better
Like have more backlash from the blueblood thing, maybe remove the thing with diamond, and honestly rework the ending. but all in all i loved this story but i do agree the stuff with alchemist and the polyjuice thing seemed a little rushed
Either way I like the story, since you've already finished it why go back and re-write it? Seems like you could be creating new stories rather then have to go remake this one. In my opinion, don't spend more time on this story because of other people, if you decide to re-write it, do it because you want to. Whatever you choose though is fine with me.
Fair warning, I'm going to be brutally honest in this review.
I'm glad this story is over, but for far too many wrong reasons.
#1 - The introduction of Blueblood.
If 'Alchemist' was the plan all along, you did a horrible job on foreshadowing him. Frankly, it really felt as if Blueblood was the plan all along, and Alchemist was just this ass-pull to fight of the backlash.
I always thought that was the point... I mean, how should he have foreshadowed him? If he had it mentioned somewhere we all would have known it from the start, and you know... you can't really blame the author for not being able to foreshadow an atleast 10-year-plan without a known flaw besides one who made it even harder to find out it wasn't Blueblood in much shorter time.
#2 - Poly-juice, really?
You couldn't think up a name of your own? For such an over-used and flexible plot-device as a magical potion? You had to go for one of the most well known fantasy stories of all time and steal the idea so blatantly?
Think that was the moment I got utterly jarred out of the story actually. Don't get me wrong, great artist steal and all that... but even keeping the name went from inspiration slash homage straight into rip-off territory.
An evil doppelganger? Fine. One based on a totally different franchise's magic system in a non-crossover? No, just... no.
Sooo... you are saying Zecora's potions worked EXACTLY like Equestrian magic? No? Great. And to taking the name... dude, it's FANfiction, you are ALLOWED to reference things.
#3 - That Promethean ending for Alchemist was just wretched.
I can get Luna being pissed. Mamma bear, and all that.
But suffering horrible agony for eternity, for what according to the rest of plot was literal insanity?!
It doesn't make Luna look good, wise or righteous, it makes her a worse monster than Alchemist and Nightmare Moon ever were! The moment the idea that the potion was driving him mad Luna should have gone right back, and undone that horrible curse so that Alchemist could recive psyciatric treatment!
Actually, she bound him to the blueprint forever, I doubt there is a way to undo that. And if she would go back, manage the impossible and he would get psychiatric treatment, he would go back to trying to kill them. If, then he should go into normal prison.
Heck, remember how Trixie —the fan favorite I might add, almost enslaved Ponyville that one time? Same type of deal, and she got a slap on the fetlock since she was driven mad by a magical artifact!
See why those two side by side is rather problematic when they're meant to have taken place in the same world?
Trixie never acted against the princesses, and I don't remember it ever been put that way to the princesses.
#4 - Seriously, why wasn't the point of Luna being in the wrong ever brought up?
Had it been brought up that such 'wrath of the gods' type punishments are horrible outdated and the other ponies utterly mortified with Luna, that would have been a dark but intriguing character moment.
Would she have seen the errors of her ways... or be utterly unrepentant?
But Luna doesn't even consider the possibility of pardoning Alchemist from his fate, not even when his absence causes problems for her nephew.
Instead it just... never really gets brought up. Because apparent might makes right, and the princesses are above all laws, because they are these petty things mortals need fear.
To be blunt, that is a wretched moral, and I sincerely hope it was unintentional.
...but it IS right. Enough power makes right. Oh, and why not? This story was after all mainly about our dear Stella Nova, and partially about her friends / at that point future-friends. And would you tell your child that something you did was one of the worst mistakes someone could make? No? Then stop complaining about it never being mentioned.
#5 - None of the victories felt earned, and none of the losses mattered.
Nightmare Moon resigned herself to oblivion... but somehow still ended up a star. Because. Somehow.
Stellar was horribly maimed... and honestly didn't even seem that bothered outside the chapters it happened in. She just recovered far, far too quickly, both physically and mentally. Perfect example, when she got introduced to Blueblood, and barely stuttered for a bit before taking Luna's word; a real person —let alone a kid, in that situation would have been in screaming hysterics at best so soon after being maimed by a sadist.
I ask you something: Why do so many people love villains who after all become good and safe the protagonists at the end? That's my first point. My second is: Shock. Easy, if you see someone who tortured you and you thought would never see again, you would be shocked for a short durance. And Stella is a kid, they are more trusting (and more easily scarred) from nature, and if their motherperson says something, they believe it. She is NOT a teenager, before you say she would be more rebellous then.
Luna is never punished for the horrible and illegal torture she is performing indefinitely on Alchemist.
The Mane Six just faded away from the story... and never really came back. Even in that epilogue they just got a token mention, and through a rather obvious 'bone to the shippers' type way. How exactly do they feel about all that happened? Did they really not do anything more interesting during four years than get hitched and shag each-other?
Again, it is quite possible everyone forgot about Alchemist, and there is more: I already said the story was mainly about Stella Nova and her friends, NOT the Mane 6. Sure, I was angry about the shippings too, but you really think nothing happened during 4 years just because it was not mentioned? They have problems every week, there is nothing special about all the problems anymore, so there is no special reason to tell them anymore. And why tell the adventures of others in a recap when it is not a story about them?
Diamond Tiara was her usual self... AND SUDDENLY, TRAGIC BACK-STORY! That got resolved the same chapter, and somehow her remembering that trauma was the same as actually working through it and changing her ways.
Honestly, 80-90% of the problems with this story came after it went from a sweet if dark retelling of Past Sins but with a human, to this... Saw with ponies thing that needed the rest of the story to just deal with the fallout.
Tell me something: Did you never ask yourself why Diamond Tiara acted like she did? You said yourself Trixie is fan-favourite... and everyone tries to find out why she acted like she did or says it was her job. And yet noone asks why Diamond Tiara is acting like she is. Before, it was not important, like, at ALL! You expect everthing to be as good as from a professional author while reading FANfiction. It is not meant to be as good as a book of a professional. It is usual to have things come out of the blue like this, heck, some stories are dedicated to do just that.
I wanted to believe you had a plan for these troubling elements and stayed silent... but now I'm seeing 'Completed' there, and none of them really got more than cuteness based speckle plastered over the cracks.
Frankly, I am deeply, deeply disappointed with how much potential this story just pissed away on that entire 'Alchemist' debacle.
I'm removing this from my favorites and changing that up-vote to a down-vote. Didn't think I'd feel this angry at actually reaching the end of a story, but this one proved me wrong.
I can understand this. I just want to remember you not to expect the best story here. Still, removing from favourites and up-vote to down-vote? Ouch, I would remove the up-vote so I can look back at how the story was in the beginning, and say to myself: "Yes, I remember that story. It had a great start, but then it got worse sadly..."
Think you've got talent and on the technical level you're quite good a writer, but sitting through 'Hostel, but with a filly' without any actually good pay-off at the end made me see red. In hindsight with how the rest of the story played out, that entire act broke the rest of the story, and was just blatant heart-string tugging.
Actions should have consequences, be they literal good or bad for the characters... not be glossed-over emotional blackmail to force the reader to see the protagonist as in the right by default.
Please, tell me when exactly glossed-over emotional blackmail to force the reader to see the protagonist as in the right by default was used? I am interested, because I didn't realise that, and I always love having things to complain about.
After all, he was basically complaining about the story, saying: "That was good, but that, that and that was bad." It would have been much better if he would have given ideas how to correct that, I remember Broovian15(I think it was written like this) once told me what was wrong in my story, but he always said how I could do it better. That would change these complaints and (THIS IS MY PERSONAL VIEW) whinery into constructive criticism. You know what I wanted to write this whole comment already? Asshole. I know this won't reach him, but I wanted to tell you what I think about it.
Yes.
I kind of agree that the story should be rewritten, because I agree with the guy who made those comments. The epilogue really was just a huge bone for shippers. Still this is your story and while I agree things could have been done differently and more realistic it be a waste to start over. At least right now. Maybe when some time has passed you could make a different version of this story one that well works better. One that takes these problems more seriously and stretches out the consequences of those actions.
I mean this became a really idealistic world. Nyx was purely Nightmare Moon, so instead Stellar Nova gets to be the family of everyone yay! Blue Blood being a ginormous ass? That's not really him, that's someone pretending to be him yay! Diamond Tiara? Shes a bully because of suppressed memories yay!
Like I said you don't and shouldn't just go recreating this story right now. Let it shimmer move on and if you feel like it look back on your work and redo it.
These are my critques:
People are bullies, and while people aren't evil or anything like that off the bat, it happens gradually over time with people learning all the wrong things. Bullies pick on those that they feel are weaker than them because of insecurities they have in their personal lives. It makes them feel better in a twisted way by taking their hurts and putting it on others. For Diamond Tiara that hurt could be the loss of her mother, since in the show its only her and Filthy Rich. You could still use the adoption method, but with Diamond Tiara being angry that she's not really her Daddy's filly. The whole sappy back-story thing is a bit well shes a child they get angst about the littlest things which are the world to them.
With regards to Blue Blood, there will be people who are self entitled, pompous, win-bags; you can't just blame it on another person. Instead have Stellar Nova learn to deal with it. The world is not perfect no matter if its pony fantasy land or not. You'll get many different perspectives and some people are just ...they have rotten personalities, but it doesn't mean their bad people, it just means their jerks.
With regards to Alchemist, well you could still go with the disgraced noble, a once important and respected household pushed into lower nobility and an outcast among others. Why not have him kidnap Stellar Nova, in an attempt to gain what his family loosed back? Possibly as part of a coup?
If Stellar Nova does end up being maimed in such a way, well if it can be brought back, Stellar would have to learn to deal with being wingless and/or hornless for the duration of the story. Having them shown to be fully grown in after the story ends some years from then.
As for the main 6, well this story is about Stellar Nova. I agree that they would be important in the begging of the story when Stellar fist arrives and then during her initial introduction to the new world she/he finds herself in. But afterwards I do agree that the Main 6 would fade into the background once Stellar begins to strike out on her own.
Hey man, it's just one comment, and this is a fanfic, not a dang novel. This kind of person expect TOO much. Instead of rewriting the WHOLE story, simply rewrite a few chapters. I do agree with some of his points, but he doesn't need to over-react. Believe me, I've received this kind of criticism. Just give this story some time and if you feel like you need to rewrite it, just rewrite a few chapters. I still thought it ok!
I personally believe that, once a story is finished, it shouldn't be changed anymore. I even go as far to say that, once written, the original edition should be preserved for the readers.
You have written it the way you wanted, not how somebody else wanted to have it, it is your work. If you PERSONALLY think it needs it, do it. But NEVER do it because somebody else wants you to, the story won't preserve its love.
On my personal opinion; the story is good. Not perfect, but good. Not flawless, but good. It is entertaining and has a bit of action. The shipping becomes a bit of a breaking point, it becomes a bit tooo prominent in some chapters, but that is a personal flaw of mine. (I'm not a fan of shipping really, except in Firefly)
To sum it all up: Don't rewrite it if you personally don't want to. If you do, because somebody said so, the story will miss it's love and care from the author.
If you want to do a "Alternate Alchemist", I'd say go for it, but for now, don't mess with something that's yours. If you feel that it's perfect, then keep it. Unless you think that there's some plot holes that need to be plastered with literary concrete.
Anyways, good luck with that.
-The Character
I agree with Solarkness. That punishment for Alchemist can not be avoided. Luna only found out about Alchemist after she punished him. I highly doubt the kind of punishment she did can be easily reversed. Insanity isn't a pardon. Insanity isn't a justification. It's only a reason. Trixie didn't actually hurt anyone. The same can not be said for Alchemist.
Though it's not all mindless rage. The points about Blueblood's introduction, Diamond Tiara's face-heel-turn, Stellar's recovery have some merit. I just wished he didn't construct his review as hateful jargon. I would've took him more seriously.
As for rewriting, it's up to you. I say the story was done well enough. The improvements aren't worthy enough to have the effort and energy put into rewriting it, in my opinion. But who am I to go against the author's wishes? Just ask yourself if you're satisfied with it. Will making a rewrite make your more happy? Whatever you decide to do, I'm behind you 101%.
Negative. Don't re-write it... or at the very least, don't re-write it any time soon.
Are there a lot of valid points in this criticism?
Yes.
Do I think this person over-reacted a bit?
Yes.
Would I like to see a re-write?
Yes... but not until you write a couple other stories to get this one flushed so you can make it fresh and anew.
It is very rare that I see someone attempt to re-write a story successfully; and the few times it works, it wasn't so much a re-write as a re-formatting/ re-wording using their expanded skills a year or two later.
Write your story... and screw the opinions of the readers. You can listen to our critiques, you can take our advice, but you can NOT let us write your story. Someone will like the story, someone else won't. That is simply how this game is played.
But if you ever let the pandering overcome your original muse, the honest story will become lost; and you will lose FAR more quality fans than you would have gained through any cheap pleasing of the masses.
I'll be frank, I don't read the majority of your work. Most of it doesn't interest me... but this one did. It was honest, and written well enough for me to overlook cliches for the sake of enjoyment.
To compare this site's authors to music... if you come here expecting Rachmaninoff or Beethoven... you are completely in the wrong. You might find one of their cousins... but they aren't allowed to play here. What you will find here are those brutal unknown punk bands; who aren't afraid to be unconventional, who aren't concerned with being cool or popular, who won't budge a single inch when it comes to telling their story in their own special way.
This story, to me, started off that way. Partway through, it sounded like the band decided to do some top 40's covers... but not in their own style... it didn't kill it for me; but it did feel a bit off-beat.
That's my basic feeling about this story... sorry if it came off "rambly". I'm working 15 hour shifts this week... and am waiting for the sleep meds to kick in. If you want, I can PM you a more "complete" critique sometime next week when I'm not completely insane. I also do pre-reading and editing from time to time... but only for things that interest me. (My pleasure is my payment
)
Just let me know if you care for anything further from me... everything in life is a learning experience... and there are no true mistakes.
No, don't change the story. It's your story and you shouldn't let what other people think about it effect how you feel about it.
As for me I loved the story just the way it is.
There's no need to change things just to please other people.