Cerulean's Voice On The Matter #10 · 3:50pm Mar 8th, 2015
Since I'm going to be doing reviews of quite a few writeoff contest stories in the coming week, I figured I would knock out two more stories and give them an analysis for you. I also really really have to sleep, and I rolled my foot at work, so that's all swollen up now too. I can barely walk.
Bah! You didn't come here to read about my troubles. You came here because... well honestly, probably because you most likely just saw it in your feed, but also because you wanted to see some more reviews. So here's my two fairly short reviews, probably the last ones you'll see for at least a few days. What do you mean I should be editing or writing? I do what I want! No, please don't hurt me...
Check out a new(ish) fic by an old acquaintance, and the usurper of my Nonpareil Fiction Contest throne below!
Story: Class
Author: Scramblers and Shadows
Synopsis:
“I lose myself in the music and tug cold, dead notes on a page into sonorous, transcendent life. And momentarily they fall back into oblivion, these notes. It's an immediacy and tragedy no writer or painter or sculptor could know; it's a magic of a kind no unicorn horn could ever come close to, and I am privileged and humbled to be a part of it.”
“I can see the smile on her face, all genuine, and I can see the concentration on her brow. She's into this performance. She's really into it. You can feel, FEEL the passion wellin up inside of her. In her every motion there's nothin but pure, unapologetic life. She's doin what she loves, she's good at it, and there's nothin sexier than that.”
Stress. Self-betrayal. Worries about where you're going in life. And a chance encounter with a fellow performer to show you that maybe it's not all not all that bad.
Current Length: 7,062 words (one-shot)
Status: Complete
Review: It’s been a long time (over a year) since I read a story by S&S. Coming back to this reminded me why I did in the first place. This is a stream-of-consciousness, first-person fic from Octavia’s PoV, but one could be forgiven for thinking it's second-person; she addresses the audience directly as she enters a club and gets up to wacky hijinx. Now, go into this with a warning: it does contain graphic language, but it’s thrown into casual conversation and not targeted at insulting anyone. In fact, it feels just like how an Aussie tradie might talk after hanging up their work boots for the weekend and settling down for a beer on the couch. The prose is jerky in places if you’re not used to this sort of attitude, so it’s not going to appeal to everyone, though as I have similar mannerisms to how Octy is presented here, I can actually gravitate toward it. Scramblers, are you in fact Australian? Because you’re doing a ripper of a job convincing me. Back to the story, we get to explore a very different side to a mare that many will insist goes against her accepted “proper” attitude and “classy” presentation. I love this for the completely blatant subversion; Octavia sounds positively “bogan,” and there’s no canonical evidence to suggest she cannot be this way, especially when given a chance to let her mane down. Sadly, as can be the case with stream-of-consciousness stories, the writing attempts to emulate Octavia’s immediate thoughts and speech, including when it comes to grammatical incorrectness: there’s hardly any commas, longarse run on sentences, fragments, a complete disregard for apostrophes on shortened words, and many other glitches. Yes, it is actually possible to make S-o-C presentable and keep the intended feel, but that unfortunately doesn’t show here. It’s a point to ponder, though, whether or not you’ll really care in the end, because the whole story is just a great ride from start to finish. This ain’t getting featured in any of the regular places anytime soon, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth a look, at least. Make of the irregular mannerisms and language as you will, but as I said before, the language and presentation won’t resonate with everyone.
At least, at first. Part two (and then part four) throws absolutely everything I’ve just said out the window as Octavia resumes her “facade.” Looks like this is one of those fabled “double-subversion” stories. Wow. The grammar is flawless, the language intelligent, the character much more “recogniseable,” so to speak. Clearly, the messed up grammar is not the work of an amateur, but one who understands when rules can be broken in place of style. I was wrong. And then, “natural” Octy is back again! That settles it: I’m recommending it for the pure absurdity and genius. Oh, and for shy and reserved Vinyl. Let that sink in for a moment.
Story: Lovey Dovey and the Business Pony
Author: Crystal Wishes
Synopsis:
Lovey Dovey is not only a professional matchmaker, but she's pretty sure she's the best in all of Equestria! What happens when Lovey hears about an eligible bachelor in Manehattan that isn't giving any mares the time of day? Well, she packs her bags and hops on the next train, of course!
Current Length: 10,000 words over 3 chapters, averaging 3,333 words per chapter
Status: Complete
Review: Here is one of the more surprising entries into my Read-later list. I can tell you now that romantic comedies are normally close to the bottom rung of my preferred genre ladder. So, what made me choose this one to read and review? Well, it was actually the winner of the Nonpareil Fiction group’s Hearts and Hooves Day competition, held between January and the middle of February… a contest where my own story, Crystal Legacy, placed as the runner up. Naturally, I would want to check out a story that managed to outdo my own, so here it is.
Interesting from the get-go. Always a good way to start. Lovey Dovey’s special talent is the ability to sense when two ponies are compatible, when a relationship is in danger of never starting, and when one is about to commence. She can “feel” threads between ponies connecting them, like infra-red light connections that nopony else can perceive. I can’t help but think that this might have been what Cadance ended up doing for a career, had she not become a Princess of Equestria. I gotta admit, this is rather cute, although from chapter one I already saw a few little things about the writing and editing that made my eyes twitch dangerously. There’s also the nature of her talent to consider—she can’t actually turn off her “Love Detector” at will, so she’s always aware of the ponies around her and where their lines lead. Just imagine being able to see into someone’s soul like that, but being unable to stop yourself; in fact the closest example I can think of would be like having the “Shinigami Eyes” power from the anime, Deathnote. It’s an issue that I think should have been addressed. Anyway, we follow Lovey to Manehattan on a job, and we get to see her really put to work. Her subject is apparently the hardest of asses when it comes to love, so she really has her work cut out for her. Something I found interesting about her character and talent: she claims that she cannot guarantee her subjects are destined to be with a member of the opposite sex but this in no way feels forced, or that the author has an agenda in mentioning it. So even though she’s supposed to be finding a suitable mare for Magnate, she may not necessarily find a mare, if fate determines it. Oh and apparently she loves to toss back a still steaming cup of hot espresso…
Well, what follows is a surprisingly oblivious matchmaker trying to find a match for this stallion, and it’s a decently good read. Lovey is incredibly forward and not subtle at all in her delivery or her goals, which can seem extremely odd but makes her all the cuter. Magnate is… yep, he’s a hardass. The ending was pretty damn obvious, though; you can almost guess it from just looking at the cover art, let alone reading the first chapter. Still, for 10k words, it’s fun and pretty adorable. It does suffer from a little more tell than I’d like, but I’ll admit that it painted some great imagery on the canvas of my mind. I’d read a sequel, maybe. Congratulations on the win again, Crystal Wishes!
You know, I actually feel pretty comfortable doing it in this format: three or four short one-shots, two slightly longer oneshots / short chaptered fics, or one longfic +30k words per blog. Yeah, I like that. Okay, that’s the go from now on… with the exception of my “ongoing favourites” reviews.
I’m off to asleeps now, everyone. Talk to you later.
Adren
Dat title series tho xD
From bad pun to badass in seconds :D
Also, feel better soon, yo, can't have you wasting away your life on the site.
>Implying you don't already xD
DEAR OZPERSON
CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO A HUMBLE MERKIN HOW THE WORD "RIPPER" IS PROPERLY USED
THXU
Thank you for taking the time to review; I appreciate it!
2862188
Of course. You're very welcome.
I wish a few others shared your sentiments though, but whatevs. Opinions and stuff.
Alas, no. I am but a humble Brit. I wrote Tavi's sections as working-class English (which was pretty easy, because that's how I tend to speak), but without any regionally specific words, so she could be read as coming from most places in England. It's pretty cool that it translates to Australia too.
Anyway, thanks for your kind words. I feel all bouncy now.
(Though, as a technicality, I'm pretty sure it would count as first-person; "you" is used, but isn't used for any character in the fic.)
(Come to think of it, a first+second person fic would be pretty fun to have a go at if I could find the right conceit ...)