Read It Now Reviews #10 – Never Again, The Gift Shop, Upon Breaking Rules, My First Tree, Reminiscent · 2:07am Jan 23rd, 2015
First off, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who enjoyed my last story, Apple Shampoo. It was my first body wash based fanfic and it seems it really struck a chord with people. Clearly, this is a deep and untapped vein of storytelling. There will be more stories coming Soon (TM), including, yes, the long-awaited remainder of Mistletrapped, which I am still chewing on.
Unfortunately, as far as reviews go, today apparently was TD hates everything day; it is too bad no one ever tells me that in advance. I blame the world, personally, or maybe my own ill-advised ventures in consumption. Still, I managed to find at least one thing that I gave the green thumb to.
The stories I read today:
Never Again by Door Matt
The Gift Shop by HazardPony
Upon Breaking Rules by Habanc
My First Tree by Lambent Dream
Reminiscent by Cold in Gardez
Never Again
by Door Matt
ComedyAgainst her better judgment, Twilight accepts an invitation to try a different card game with her friends.
What could possibly go wrong this time?
Why I added it: This was an entry in the “All In” writeoff competition.
Review
The mane six play poker (specifically, Texas Hold’Em) some time after they played Cards Against Humanity, at least in part in an attempt to prevent Rainbow Dash from bothering them about playing card games (and specifically, that card game in particular) again. Pinkie goes all-in on the first hand, Twilight matches, and it is a showdown.
You can guess who wins.
Surprisingly, the All In writeoff competition did not include very many stories about gambling at all, and this was the only poker story in the whole contest I remember. I managed to guess that Door Matt had written it because of the Cards Against Humanity thing, but it seems that ponies playing poker is nowhere near as popular as them playing Cards Against Humanity.
Who knew?
Unfortunately, there really isn’t a whole lot to this story; at just barely a thousand words long, it is just a very simple scene that doesn’t really go anywhere or say anything. The writing is a bit rough in a few places as well, as well as a bit telly; the words which were added to this piece to bring it up to the word limit for the site actually made the story weaker because they didn’t really add anything to the piece.
Recommendation: Not Recommended
The Gift Shop
by HazardPony
Romance, Slice of LifeRibbon Red is a gift-shop owner who doesn't get out much, and has a comfortable life selling his wares to ponies for their friends and family.
Rainbow Dash comes in with a special request: she wants to get Applejack the best gift ever, and she wants Ribbon's help in finding it.
Ribbon knows a lot about giving presents: He knows how to appreciate the value of a simple gift, the significance of a beautiful ornament... but above all, he knows that the most precious gifts come from the heart.
Contains AppleDash
Why I added it: I noticed it while browsing stories by heat and I haven’t read a new AppleDash story in a while.
Review
Our story is told from the perspective of one Red Ribbon, owner of some sort of gift shop. What kind of gift shop, I couldn’t really say; he seemed to sell jewelry, including wedding bands and engagement rings, but possibly other sorts of random knick-knacks. I had a hard time envisioning a store which did this, which kind of threw me off.
Bored in the off-season for gifts, he is startled into wakefulness by Rainbow Dash, who has come into his shop to buy a present for Applejack – someone who isn’t her girlfriend, but who she would like to be her girlfriend. After some amount of cajoling, he manages to get her the perfect gift, a magical little pin that says how you feel about someone you’re thinking about. Rainbow Dash buys it, but then returns it shortly thereafter because she chickened out of giving it as a present. Red Ribbon refuses to take it back, but agrees to hold it for safekeeping until she changed her mind.
Naturally, Rainbow Dash does, and the story ends with Applejack coming into the store some years later, looking for a ring…
An outsider’s view on another couple, these stories can be very interesting, but can also leave you without much of a view on what is going on with the couple. Here, we see Rainbow Dash vacillating on her decision, and Red Ribbon encouraging her to go for it, with Applejack only really coming in at the very end to show us how it went.
I have three real complaints with this story: the writing itself, the flow of the piece, and Red Ribbon himself.
The writing is rather telly in places; one example would be at the very end:
"Good. Then let's see to it that your... mysterious somepony gets the engagement band they more than deserve, yes?" he said, happy that his encounter with Rainbow Dash all those years ago had finally come full circle.
This is the very final line of the story, but it isn’t very punchy. First off, he knows full well who Rainbow Dash is, so why is he playing coy here? There is no good reason for it. Secondly, we have the story just telling us “BE HAPPY THEY’RE TOGETHER” at the end, rather than, you know, showing us his happiness, or even just expressing it in a less-direct way. The idea of Applejack coming in for an engagement ring was a good one, but the way it was written sort of took the wind out of my sails. This sort of telling shows up throughout the piece; another example, earlier:
Ribbon recalled that he had been interrupted before he had finished explaining what the pin did. Once again, Rainbow's constant interruptions had slowed him down. He rolled his eyes, frustrated he had forgotten to explain the true beauty of the gift.
This could have easily been expressed via dialogue, but instead we’re being told things outright which could very easily be shown via character action.
The flow of the piece is another problem; the story doesn’t really have a proper climax. Rainbow Dash buys the pin, returns it, then eventually comes back for it… but we’re not given any real insight into what drove Rainbow Dash to return and finally take the pin. That should be the climax of the story, when our hero, Rainbow Dash, finally does what she’s supposed to do, but instead we get this:
Ding!
Ribbon Red sprang to attention, shaking himself out of his gloomy reverie and focusing on whatever new customer had arrived.
"Yes, how can I help you today?" he asked, but froze when he recognized that dazzling rainbow mane.
"Can I have my pin back?"
The problem is that we have no context for this, no idea of why Rainbow Dash changed her mind and decided to stop chickening out, and as such the climax doesn’t really feel like much of a climax at all; there’s no real lead-in to it, it just sort of happens, and while we know the outcome, it all happens off-screen and thus there isn’t really much pay-off.
The story as a whole felt like it was longer than it should have been, taking more words than was necessary to keep the story going, likely in part because of the telliness in a few places; the final scene with Applejack also felt like it was much longer than it needed to be, as it could have been cut down to Applejack just coming in and asking for something for Rainbow Dash and it would have been much punchier. However, at other times – the climax, as noted above – it ended up omitting important information and thus not allowing us to really grasp what the story was going for.
My final issue was with Red Ribbon himself. He temporarily goes blind at the start of the story due to standing up too quickly (which is weird – I’ve never had that problem, ever) but more to the point, it just felt like a pointless diversion from the story. However, my real problem with him was that I never really cared about him or empathized with him at all – he existed as a plot device more than he did as a character, and I never really got a good grasp on him. He seemed to want to sell something, and to be a typical businessperson trying to sell stuff, but at the same time did some other odd things, like his behavior with the pin and wanting Rainbow Dash to succeed. Really, he felt kind of hollow as a character, and the only thing I really got out of him was that he got bored when customers weren’t around.
On the whole, I think that the idea behind this story could have worked just fine, but the execution was too far off for me to end up enjoying it as much as I would have liked.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Upon Breaking Rules
by Habanc
Romance, Comedy, Slice of LifeDear Diary,
Looking back, a scientific, step-by-step plan is completely ineffective for social situations (Note to self: don't do them, ever). Inviting Princess Luna to a Pinkie Pie Hearth's Warming party, with a checklist of steps in your head, was an awful idea. There are too many variables that a checklist cannot prepare for, such as an entrancing outfit. The plan resulted in a spectacular failure of when awkward meets anxious.
For future use, a spreadsheet might be better.
- TS
Why I added it: I noticed it while browsing stories by heat, and I don’t read TwiLuna shipfics very often.
Review
Luna is invited to a Hearth’s Warming party and accidentally dresses up in a risqué costume. Everyone drinks and makes merry, and Twilight is awkward and forward all at the same time as Luna takes most of the evening to figure out why Twilight is being a bit off.
This story has three tags – romance, comedy, and slice of life. Honestly, it should lose two of them; this story is, at its heart, about Twilight trying to get smooches from Luna, told from Luna’s point of view. The story isn’t really that funny, and while I suppose one could make an argument for the slice of life tag, it feels a bit redundant with what the story actually is.
I was admittedly a bit disappointed by this story; it wasn’t terrible anywhere, but it never really stood out in any real way to me. There were lots of little nagging things – chugging eggnog seems outright bizarre due to its thick nature, socks being very risqué has never really worked for me or made much sense, and the like, but I don’t think those were what really threw me. Nor was it the writer’s love of saidisms, which bothered me a little when I started reading the piece, but not quite enough to really irk me. I would like to blame the pacing; the story contains a lot of material which didn’t seem to have a whole lot of significance, and when I got to the end I somehow was surprised that it was over. It may just be an overall feeling of insubstantiality, or the use of alcohol to get ponies to kiss. Or it may be that all of the above combined worked to put me off the story.
In any case, I didn’t end up really caring for it. It wasn’t offensive or even bad, it just was nothing I really felt enriched after reading.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
My First Tree
by Lambent Dream
Slice of LifeApplejack tells Fluttershy about the great oak tree atop a hill on the farm. It was the first one she ever planted, y'see. That doesn't have anything to do with why Granny Smith is in the hospital, and why Applejack isn't there.
Nope. Not at all.
Why I added it: Mind's Eye recommended it to me.
Review
A story told in the first person in the present tense from the perspective of Fluttershy, I have to admit that the present tense in this story bothered me. I may write a rant about the use of present tense in stories at some point, but today isn’t that day. What bothered me more, though, was Applejack’s story – and more precisely, a misuse of Applejack’s voice.
I was just a little’un. Smaller’n Apple Bloom. About yea high. I was still a blank flank, o’course, but let me tell you. I could already feel the earth beneath my hooves, hear her sing. Da said he could feel it in me. Ma, not so much.
So, anyway, Da gets it in his head that we need to plant an oak tree. Don’t ask me why. I suppose he was up to see the in-laws out in Manehattan, or something. You know they… well, of course you know! You was there! Yeah… so one of those big trees in the park they got.
This is the wrong accent. Applejack definitely has an accent, but this is a different sort of rural accent from the one that Applejack possesses, and it would be much more likely she’d call him “Pa” than “Da”, given her love of the drawl. However, there are things in here, like “You was there”, which Applejack simply does not do. The whole thing feels off, like it is an accent taken from a different character, or a different region.
Aw, don’ look at me like that. See, Ma had this thing about clean floors. Always clean. That was a rule. Number one rule, in fact. No. Muddy. Hooves. I knew it. Da knew it. Da never came into the house with muddy hooves. Didn’t matter if there was a twister bearin’ down. He’da wiped his hooves off and…
This also feels very weird in the context of Look Before You Sleep, given her tracking mud into Twilight’s library without thinking about it.
I’m also not sure if I’m really sold on Fluttershy’s voice here either; she feels a bit too subdued in some respects, and also uses some words (verve and boisterous, to name two) which don’t really sound like something she’d say. But it isn’t just the word choice, but to some degree the structure; it just doesn’t feel like how I think of Fluttershy thinking. Maybe I’m just crazy, but it bothered me.
In the end, this story’s text bothered me immensely.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Reminiscent
by Cold in Gardez
DarkCelestia has always been more interested in the future than the past. She does not dwell on mistakes – hers, or others'.
But sometimes memories lurk in the oddest of places, and when they strike not even a god can resist their gravity.
Why I added it: This was an entry in the latest write-off, and Cold in Gardez is a great writer.
Review
This story is very evocative; it starts out with a description of a poem, and how wonderfully meaningful it was, and how it and its writer were important to Celetsia… and then casts this little bit of scenery as being some unimportant bit piece in a battle between Nightmare Moon and Princess Celestia.
I have to admit to being a bit disappointed that this was so short; I loved the contrast of the wonder of the piece and its destruction in the moment, and the fact that this story didn’t contain more of it was practically criminal, as I noted in the write-off.
This is ultimately a story about whether or not Celestia can confront Nightmare Moon, set in the distant past, and is very evocatively described; however, it feels incredibly epic for being something so short, which makes the abrupt ending all the more jarring. I still don’t really like the way it ends very much, as it feels very sudden and discordant with the language elsewhere in the piece, but others seem to be less bothered by it than I am.
I ended up enjoying it, but mostly for the prose rather than for the content; it is very prettily written, even if there isn’t a whole lot of substance here, and at 1,200 words, it won’t take much of your time to consume.
Recommendation: Worth Reading if you like pretty words.
Summary
Never Again by Door Matt
Not Recommended
The Gift Shop by HazardPony
Not Recommended
Upon Breaking Rules by Habanc
Not Recommended
My First Tree by Lambent Dream
Not Recommended
Reminiscent by Cold in Gardez
Worth Reading
Now to go hate on my own writing until I get it into a semblance of what I want.
Number of stories still listed as "Read It Later - Recommended": 188
Number of stories listed as “Read It Later”: 1546
I just read "My First Tree", and I liked it more than you, but the AJ voice issues slipped past me (other than 'Da'). The Fluttershy was weak early on—really, the first 100 words of this story needs some rework—but after that point I was perfectly happy with it. I feel she initially comes off with a bit too much distance, though, which seems to be what you're describing as well.
I really enjoyed the underlying story and most of the voice work, if not a few particulars, though. There's a good chance I'll be reviewing this myself in a couple days, too. And I'm hoping the author may go back and rework a couple of these points. I don't think it'd take much to make this into a really excellent story, at least in my opinion.
2740971
YMMV. When I read stories, I really love to hear the characters talking in my head; when I don't hear their heavenly voices, it bothers me greatly. This is part of the reason why I adore Bad Horse's bedtime stories so much; they're so short, and yet I get the character's voice in my head right away, even though I've never heard them speak.
Or at least, I get a character's voice in my head. Hopefully it sounds the same as it does to Bad Horse.
Thus, when Applejack is off, it really ends up bothering me. The accent given to Applejack in this story reminds me of some of the voices I remember seeing in various bits of early 20th century literature I read in high school, rather than Applejack.
I remember giving Reminiscent a 6/10 in the Writeoff. It felt like it was too short to be effective, although I didn't mind the specific way it was written. I think what threw me off at first was the original description of the air bursting into flames and being compressed, and Celestia moving at superspeeds. Felt like it was trying too hard to make her badass, but then it came together well enough.
I might read the lengthened version sometime, maybe.
Thank you for your thoughts, TD. I'm sorry the voice perturbed you so much. The Da afectation was actually an invention on the spot that just kinda stuck throughout the story. Fixed since the review (now), and yes: the muddy hooves issue stuck out in my head at the time, too. I just didn't know (or was too lazy) to try and fix it. Also changed to be something... more appropriate to later events in the show, and other timelines apparent within the show. Apple Bloom's age, for instance.
As far as the tense and person in the story, it was an experiment. And, as you said, mileage may vary. Trying out different ideas, seeing what works and what doesn't, groping for character voices. I think I am improving, and I thank you for helping me along in that direction.
Edit: As for the words "verve" and "boisterous" I could see that being a contamination of vocabulary from Rarity (whom I could see using either, or both) to Fluttershy.
2740971
Thank you for the thoughts as well, Bradel.
For the intro, I got too hung up on "Introduce the perspective as quickly as you can." I've gone back and reworked that to be less... telly, if, that's what you meant by distance, and I would agree. I have a problem with openings. "Too many mind," to quote a line from The Last Samurai. Too much I try to do and accomplish and cram into a small space. I've been working on it, though.
Anyway, thank you both for your time and your thoughts.
Your review is fair enough.
I can't find a fault with anything you've really said, the pacing issue has been brought up to me before, saidisms are naturally a divisive and hotly-debated topic, and the rest is down to aesthetics and what one seeks in reading. I'm slightly disappointed you didn't enjoy it, but nevertheless thank you for putting in the time and effort to leave feedback. I really appreciate it.
Thanks,
Habanc
2741176
You're welcome!
Just to clarify: saidisms aren't bad in and of themselves. The problem is usually caused by them showing up too often, rather than them being used at all. A lot of professional authors use saidisms.
2741115
I'm glad my review was helpful to you; it is always nice to hear that.
2740982
I always hear Uncle Bad Horse too, but I doubt it's what Bad Horse imagined: I hear the voice of Gruncle Stan (from Gravity Falls) loud and clear. (It's the way he always says "kids", along with the general sleaziness.)
2741176
2741247
Admiral Biscuit wrote a lengthy blog post about saidisms that I found interesting.
I love how the context you gave for Never Again was longer than your actual review.
And yeah, I did struggle quite abit in bringing it up to 1000 words. Can fully believe it suffers for it.
2741681
I've written about them on occasion myself, but never made a post wholly devoted to them. But yeah, he more or less echos what I would call the "conventional wisdom" about dialogue tags.
2741681 Grunkle Stan is the best.