Betcha People Mistake This For A Serious Blog Post At First · 8:04pm Jan 14th, 2015
I remember it perfectly. When I was five years old, my father asked my grandfather if he was doing a good job at raising me. That afternoon, I’d been trying to fulfill my dream of becoming a carrot and live with no responsibilities via smashing my head against the walls, because I was the fucking dumbest kid you’ve ever seen. “What do I do with the kid, Dad?” my father had asked, holding me in his arms.
Well, okay, he wasn’t using his arms, only his hands. Holding me in his hands. Okay, holding my neck with his hands, and pressing gently, no doubt because he really loved me. And maybe he didn’t really say “kid”. To be honest, the terms that came out of his mouth were “little fucker”. But, you know, the overall picture is more or less the same.
Anyway, so he asked “What do I do with the little fucker, Daddy-o?” while lovingly trying to choke me to death. “I mean, I’m fucking choking this human wreckage I’m legally forced to call ‘son’, but it’s not working.”
And my grandfather looked at him, straight into his eyes, and whispered something I’ll never forget. “If you love your children, let them go. If they come back, they’ll come back stronger. If they don’t, well, then fuck’em. You can make more of the little bastards. In fact, I’d recommend you to let that one go as fast as possible.”
“Fuck, Daddy-o, what do you think I’ve been trying to do all this time? What I wanted to know is, do I use cyanide, or…?”
The rest of the conversation is blurry, because I was kind of suffocating, but I’m sure they just repeated again and again just how much they loved me. My childhood was so awesome. OH GOD DAD PLEASE LOVE ME.
Anyway, that message always resonated with me. “If you love’em, let them go.” That’s some folky wisdom right there. So I thought, why not do that? I sadly don’t have any kids, because my genitals are so cool every woman I try to impregnate freezes solid and shatters immediately, but I can use that advice metaphorically, can’t I?
So, I’ll let my metaphorical children go. And if they come back, they’ll come back stronger.
Of course, with “let go” I mean “publish a little bit about them in here.”
And with “children” I mean “Original Characters.” And I’ll also talk about a story!
And with “love” I rather obviously mean “fuck you I’m not doing some bad running gag where I say something random here”.
Ladies and gentlemen (oh, who am I kidding: sexy ladies and more sexy ladies), let me show you the amazing characters I make up whenever I’m bored or trying to avoid suicidal thoughts!
Fucking Nobody: Who is this pony? Fucking Nobody! Nobody gives a crap about him, which means he has horrible self-esteem issues! He’s Fucking Nobody, so he’ll be a virgin forever! He has no friends, because he’s Fucking Nobody! Who gives a crap about how he looks like? He’s Fucking Nobody! He’s literally the least important, least interesting character you’ve ever seen. Not even you give a fuck about him. Fucking Nobody!
Pig Norant: He’s not even a pig. He’s just fucking dumb. Kind of fat and smelly, too.
Doctor Amedy: When he was born, he came butt first, and his butt was so big his mother died in childbirth. He lost an eye with a horrible, traumatizing hamster-in-your-mouth-what-the-fuck-how-did-it-ever-get-in-there-I-mean-what-the-fuck-do-you-do-in-your-free-time-are-you-kiding-me accident. His son became a hilarious little clown that got his legs crushed by a car full of hilarious little clowns. Now he’s the funniest clown ever, because he has no legs, and Equestria is filled with assholes. Dr. Amedy’s life is filled with disgraces, and everypony laughs at them, because, well. They’re pretty damn funny.
Night Mare: she’s a scary prostitute.
Yeah.
I got nothing.
I Don’t Fucking Know, Just Write Whatever Comes To Mind: look, Idon’t’s parents weren’t exactly good at coming up with names, okay? And they just happened to cross roads with the most literal-minded bureaucrat in the world. Not her fault. She’s actually a pretty nice mare, although her childhood was understandably difficult. Some kids made fun of her because of her freckles.
Tonfa King: One of the best ninjas in Equestria, absolute master of the tonfas. Married to a very obese mare. He rocks her world in bed.
Golden Shower: Yeah, somehow Idon’t’s parents weren’t the worse at making names. I’m really, really sorry.
Sergeant McKickAss: Her father wanted an awesome soldier, so obviously this mare became a pretty boring accountant. She had an adventure with Golden Shower, but left him with a broken heart when she realized he wasn’t as kinky as it sounded. God I’m so sorry for this stuff please don’t unfollow me I swear I can’t change.
Dancing Queen: YOUNG AND SWEET, ONLY SEVENTEEN. Her father died alone. She’ll always blame herself for that. She let him down in his last moments, and she’ll never rest again. During the night, his face appears in front of her, and the look in his eyes is not anger, but disappointment. She knows she’s broken. She’ll never be whole again. FEEL THE BEAT OF THE TAMBOURINE.
Ode Dipus: What a dyslexic motherfucker.
Schaden Freud: German psychologist. Well, maybe not German per se, but whatever Equestria’s equivalent to Germany you can think about. He’s the psychologist who worked with Ode Dipus. And he laughed at him all the time.
Blergh: Look, babies are ugly, okay.
Bleeeeeeergh: Oh, honey! They’re twins!
Aaaand that’s it, I think. Man, sometimes I look at how many followers I have, and I gasp at the amount of people who should seriously know better.
Also, the reason why this blog is tagged: You know when you have an old story and it suddenly gets a lot of attention? It’s weird. The weird thing is, this same story got featured by the Seattle’s Angles not that long ago. I’m absolutely sure that it got attention because of that, though, so maybe it’s not that weird? I’m talking, of course, about my one and only dark fic.
Anyway, so Chris reviewed it, and he didn’t really like it, which I understand. The pictures wasn’t something he could dig, but he said the prose was okay. PresentPerfect also said it was pretty okay, and lauded both the pics and the words because PresentPerfect is, in the end, not that bright when it comes to art.
But then we have the best fucking live reading any story of mine has had. Like, I’ve had some really awesome readings, and I feel like an ass for saying this one is better, but damn this thing is so cool. It’s short, less than ten minutes, and yet it has, like, sound effects? And an awesome VA for the characters? And the narrator is creepy? And the music is amazing?
I tell you: watch that thing. It’s incredible.
Wait. This can’t be the end of the blog post. This has to be funny. Let me try a joke:
“Hey, Pinkie! What’s your favorite number?”
“Well, you know three?”
“Yes.”
“Lil’ bit more than that.”
…
God, I’m lame. I’M SO LAME. OH GOD DAD WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME. NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I WAS A CARROT, I FUCKING KNEW THAT WAS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.
The trolling!, it's so beautiful.
~Leonzilla
Incidentally, I recently discovered that the same story has another live reading on Youtube. But seeing how the guy never told me about it, and how he doesn't really seem to like it, I won't link it.
Also, betcha nobody's brave enough to use any of those fuckups I created on a story. I dare you.
Wait, you aren't a carrot? Everything I've known up to this point is a lie!
Yeah ... okay... that's ... that's a interesting blog post you have here... yeah....
webtrax.hu/myfacewhen/faces/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic/bad-poker-face-twilight-sparkle.jpg
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I just can't figure out what is his name when you switch the letters around...
~Leonzilla
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Yeah this isn't even the worst one. Trust me.
When I explained to my non brony friend that ponies are named after their destiny generally, he made up the pony Jack Shit.
He does jack shit.
Interesting life story. Might just make a fic reading of that too
just kidding.
But It really was an honour to do read Primal Fears... I don't have much else to say really...
why are you such a memer aragon
Dancing Queen is best OC!
~ You really should've known better, because now you got a Swedish fan of your stories watching you even more than before!
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Challenge accepted. I'll find a way to use Dancing Queen in a fanfic.
Greatest blog post ever... No joke.
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Chris P. Bacon - Prodigy BBQ chef in a land of vegetarians. Celestia did not approve. Was sentenced to death by pig stampede.
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Second option. I get along with my family just fine, I just enjoy the idea of my Fimfiction persona having a horrible childhood. The Aragón in the blog posts is a character, not how I actually act on my daily life.
Some of the chats I show, though, are real (like the one with Selbi in the Rainbow Rocks review). Heavily edited, but based on real conversations. I do talk like that.
What the heck is wrong with your gender agreement today?
Man, that was... unexpected.
Germaney
I usually don't look for mistakes, but since I've already used so many quotes...