Read It Now Reviews #2 – The Element of Surprise, The Burden, The Best Candy, Celestia’s Chalice, Who Has the Problem, Exs, A Solution to Shipping, The Brightest and the Best · 3:01am Dec 22nd, 2014
As I said before, why read it later when I can read it now? All of the stories in this review were published within the last week, and I was pleasantly surprised by a few of them.
The stories I read today:
The Element of Surprise by Trick Question
Four short stories from The Sound of One Hoof Clopping by Trick Question:
- The Burden
- The Best Candy
- Celestia’s Chalice
- Who Has the Problem
Exs by Donraj
A Solution to Shipping by Mooncalf
The Brightest and the Best by Pineta
The Element of Surprise
by Trick Question
Sad, Slice of Life, Alternate UniverseAfter a tragic accident claims the lives of Fluttershy and Big Macintosh, Twilight Sparkle begins to grow distant from her remaining friends. However, Pinkie Pie has a strange idea: she cuts down on her party schedule to work on a very special surprise for Twilight Sparkle, and she continues her work in secret until the day she dies. Twilight's remaining friends refuse to tell her what the surprise will be, even after Pinkie has passed away. Only when the last of her friends have died will the secret finally be revealed. But what kind of surprise could possibly make up for the loss of your best friends?
Why I added it: When Trick Question followed me, she recommended the story to me as something I might like.
Review
I have to admit I had a little bit of trepidation on seeing a single huge, unbroken paragraph as the long story summary, but the story actually ended up surprisingly decent.
The story starts out with the strange tale of Big Macintosh and Fluttershy’s deaths, an event that they seemed to see coming, but were content with; no one else had any forewarning, but after they had a picnic together with their friends, in a terrible freak accident a huge boulder rolled down a hill and killed them both. Everyone goes into shock, but Pinkie Pie and Twilight are hit particularly hard; Pinkie Pie hatches some crazy plan, while Twilight retreats into her lab for the rest of her life in a desperate attempt to discover a means of making her remaining friends immortal. Even after Pinkie Pie recovers, saying she is coming up with some great surprise for Twilight, everyone else greatly dials back on their life activites as they grow older and older, making Twilight increasingly desperate; eventually, she completely sequesters herself in her lab so that she can save their lives and they can all live together forever.
She fails.
The story, however, is not yet over, and Pinkie Pie has left behind one final surprise for Twilight, courtesy of Spike.
This story is rough in some ways. It has a very telly style, but mostly, this isn’t too bothersome; however, there are a few moments where the writer tells us character emotions which end up cheapening important moments in the story a little bit. The writing isn’t always perfect, and at times feels a little bit rambly.
A larger flaw lies in the digression into the nature of alicorns, or unipegataurs, or whatever, trying to differentiate between these things when it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the rest of the story; it is trying to set up for something special in the conclusion, but its presence there feels like a distraction from the rest of Pinkie’s surprise, and therefore unnecessary. It could have been removed from the story entirely without consequence, and probably would have improved its flow.
The final flaw lies in the reveal of the surprise itself. I think that it would have been much more effective had Twilight spotted Pinkie Pie’s tail sticking out from behind the screen and been compelled to investigate after hesitating over whether or not she wanted to see the surprise. Twilight ended up having little agency in the ending, and thus, I think, it would have helped to have given her that much.
Despite these flaws, though, I still found myself enjoying the story, and while the story didn’t always do the best job of presenting itself, the core idea of it shone through well enough to make up for these issues.
I will admit that I was nagged on a little bit about whether or not Twilight felt out of character in her seclusion. While I personally don’t see her reacting in that way, I think that it isn’t an invalid way to interpret her personality and her feelings of duty towards her friends in some ways. By the end of the story, I felt like it worked well enough in the story that it didn’t feel weird after all.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
The Sound of One Hoof Clopping
by Trick Question
Slice of LifeThe Sound of One Hoof Clopping is an elaborate retelling of many classic zen koans with Friendship is Magic characters acting out the events.
Updates with a new koan each Sunday. Koans are small questions, poems, or stories used in Zen Buddhism to bring about enlightenment in the reader.
Why I added it: I have always enjoyed koans; indeed, I’ve even written one of my own. So naturally, when I found a collection of pony koans while going through Trick Question’s other stories after reading The Element of Surprise.
Review
I have to say I was deeply disappointed in this collection; they were, by and large, not actually koans. A koan, by its nature, is meant to give a student something to think about, to give them insight into something, but most of these stories did not really lead the reader towards enlightenment. The writing was also rough in some places, as I noted on Trick Question’s other story, The Element of Surprise, but in much shorter stories the excess exposition sticks out a lot more.
The Burden: This is the most koanish of the stories, and indeed, is probably the only “true” koan in the bunch, about Spike asking Big McIntosh how he could carry Rarity over a mud puddle.
The Best Candy: While this pretends to be a koan, it isn’t one, and it goes on far too long after the central lesson; koans are meant to end with the student being enlightened, but here the story keeps going past the teacher’s sharp but clever answer and explains the koan, which is precisely what koans aren’t supposed to do. Referring to Carrot Cake “ponying” (i.e. manning) a counter was also a rather painful pony pun.
Celestia’s Chalice: This story seemed like it was going to come up with pretty good bit at the end, but then aborted; the bit of the story about Twilight breaking the chalice she was curious about, and trying to prevent Celestia from being upset, was very cute, but I felt like the story brushed against a very clever idea (asking Celestia whether all things must come to an end) and then shied away from it, which ended up making me feel a bit disappointed in the end.
Who Has the Problem: This is similar to a koan, but I felt like its wavering textual style, unsure of whether or not it should be imitating a koan, kind of hurt it. I did, however, like the idea behind the story, and Fluttershy’s final line was cute enough; unfortunately, as with The Best Candy, it felt like it went on too long at the end and sort of thinned out the message.
Recommendation:
The Burden is Worth Reading; The Best Candy, Celestia’s Chalice, and Who Has the Problem are Not Recommended.
Exs
by Donraj
Romance, Slice of LifeTwilight and Rarity talk about their dating history.
Why I added it: I found this while browsing stories by heat.
Review
This is a very short story which is exactly what it says on the tin: Rarity and Twilight speak (very briefly) about their exes. Which the author somehow managed to misspell in the title. There isn’t really anything wrong with the story, but it is very insubstantial; clocking in only just barely north of a thousand words, while we get a little bit of insight into Twilight and Rarity, both of whom are a little bit insecure about why others would like them, but for different reasons.
Unfortunately, the story ends up feeling insubstantial; we never really explore beyond the obvious, and it ends almost as quickly as it begins. We learn about the past, here, but we don’t get to see how it influenced these ponies in the present, and as a result, it all ends up feeling a little bit pointless. It is short, and thus won’t occupy much of your time, but it won’t really occupy your mind for very long either.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
A Solution to Shipping
by Mooncalf
Romance, Comedy, RandomToo many suitors, not enough Twilight. How can a brilliant genius alicorn pony solve this problem?
Contains shipping. Contain nuts. Contents may have shifted during shipping. Do not take orally, or seriously. Use the included tools to retighten screws a week after assembly. Luna is always watching.
Why I added it: I found this while browsing stories by heat.
Review
Everyone loves Twilight Sparkle. And I do mean everyone. It is pretty crowded in the auditorium, between Celestia, Luna, Trixie, all of Twilight’s friends, innumerable background characters, and “five breezies in a shoddily-made pony suit.” And of course, they can’t all share.
That means there’s only one solution… magic!
This story is a total farce, and you have probably guessed the ending just by reading the description. Still, even so, I laughed at the inherent ridiculousness of the story, and the actual ending of the story made me smile, even if I sort of saw that coming, too. At 1,800 words, it isn’t very long, but if you like stories which are just completely silly, this is probably worth your time.
If you don’t like stories that are completely silly, though, you won’t enjoy this very much; it is very over the top.
Recommendation: Worth Reading if you like farces; avoid it if you don’t.
The Brightest and The Best
by Pineta
Comedy, Slice of LifePrincess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns is famous across Equestria as a center of academic excellence. Only the best and brightest unicorns are offered places, selected by their academic merit, magical ability and passion for study. To make the admissions process as fair and reliable as possible, all candidates are given three exams by different teams of examiners, who then meet in private to decide which students are most deserving of a place.
Why I added it: This was the winner of the latest writeoff competition.
Review
This story fundamentally comes in three parts – an introduction to the exam, the students’ reactions to the exams, and finally the reactions of the professors in private to the students and their private rankings of them.
This was the winner of the last writeoff competition, but it definitely exhibited some weaknesses – and while Pineta did alter the start of the story, I feel like the added scene at the very start of the piece was even weaker than what was there before, being very expository, though the rest of the story was made stronger.
The second scene, with the fillies and their parents comforting them, was cute enough, and it was obvious that there was something of a gulf in ability between the various ponies shown.
Finally, the best part was the end, with the teachers marveling over Twilight Sparkle’s prowess at magic and great magical knowledge; I felt like this was a bit over the top in a lot of ways, given what we saw of Twilight as a filly didn’t really indicate that she was a wunderkind before her final exam, but it was still quite cute. The professors trying to come up with a ridiculous exam for her was fun, as were some of their little jokes to one-another about what would make her fail or who would get to tutor her, something which probably was either hilarious or terrifying to them in hindsight.
All in all, a fun little read, and not too long at south of 3,000 words.
Recommendation: Worth Reading.
Summary
The Element of Surprise by Trick Question
Worth Reading
Four short stories from The Sound of One Hoof Clopping by Trick Question:
- The Burden is Worth Reading
- The Best Candy is Not Recommended
- Celestia’s Chalice is Not Recommended
- Who Has the Problem is Not Recommended
Exs by Donraj
Not Recommended
A Solution to Shipping by Mooncalf
Worth Reading if you like farces, avoid it if you don’t.
The Brightest and the Best by Pineta
Worth Reading
A surprisingly decent set of stories all-told, and while nothing really wowed me, I was mostly entertained.
Number of stories still listed as "Read It Later - Recommended": 148.
Number of stories listed as “Read It Later”: 1530
Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback. Some of what you noticed I did as well, while other bits I was less aware of; and I'm still rather shy of requesting feedback so it's really useful to have some volunteered (especially without sugar-coating). I'll be sure to incorporate what I can learn from your comments into future work.
Question: what elements, plot, structural or otherwise, are most present in stories you enjoy?
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You're welcome!
Asking folks for help is really tough starting out; heck, it is still tough even for me, and I've had a bunch of people look at my stuff. You're asking people for their time and effort in making something of yours better. But it is very much worth it; a number of my stories wouldn't be what they are without the very helpful input of my editors (and in several cases, the Writeoff Association as a whole).
Having good ideas is important, though; your writing may be a bit rough, but you have some good core ideas, and that is important, because the core of an idea - the thing that you build a story around - is vital. After all, it doesn't matter how well you can write if you don't have anything worth writing.
If you'd like help with your next story, feel free to give me a poke.
2669266
It's very difficult for me to read longer stories (attention in part, disclosure: pain medication affects this a great deal) but short stories I can apparently handle in tiny doses.
I may actually do just that. Your stories are a most enjoyable read, and Fimfiction has forced me to read again, which, in retrospect, is probably important if you want to write things.
So maybe I will get better.
2669257
For me?
That's a good question.
I like novelty and surprises. I am a sucker for interesting plot twists. The 18th Brewmare of Bluey Napoleon doesn't really have any "twists" per se, but it does have things end up with Prince Blueblood giving stallions the right to vote via a rather circuitous path. Likewise, stories that re-contextualize something also are attractive to me, shedding fresh light on an idea. I also like it when stories play fair; I think the finest moment I've ever had in any cinematic experience was when I figured out the plot twist in Fight Club moments before the movie gave it away. A lot of my favorite stories contain things which "give them away" beforehand, things that you could have figured out, but didn't - at least, not until much later.
Likewise, I like fresh ideas. A story about something which I haven't thought of appeals to me. One of the largest reasons I dinged The Arena in the last writeoff was that while it appealed to me very strongly on the axis of the execution of the idea, I felt like it was fundamentally the exact same idea as was in The Lady or the Tiger. It was a better story (in my eyes) than the original but the idea was unchanged, and that was a huge part of what made it great. Not that I won't recommend it when it finally gets posted to the site (I totally am going to) but I was a bit disappointed in that regard.
Conversely, I felt like the plot twist in Bad Horse's Trust and The Writing on the Wall were both really neat presentations of those ideas, and they made them feel fresh even though the idea of a leader who is a fake or dangerous lost technology are both well-established tropes.
I like beautiful writing. Some stories just impress me by how pretty they are; pretty much all of PoweredByTea's stories appeal to me strongly for exactly this reason.
I like characters who put their voices in my head. I like it when I'm reading a story and I hear the characters talking to me, in their voices, not the voice of the writer. I also like it when they have different voices; one of the great annoyances for me about superhero comics, and probably one of the main reasons I dislike them, is that I feel like there are like, three character voices who get used for everything. Sure, some of them are distinct, but a lot of them feel samey and kind of boring. If I cannot connect with or care about the characters in a story, I'm much less likely to care about the story at all. I don't need to care about ALL of them, but I do need to care about ENOUGH of them. Guardians of the Galaxy is instructive in this respect; I couldn't even remember the green girl's name while I was watching the movie (indeed, she had less personality than her cybernetic sister and a character who can only say "I", "am", and "Groot", specifically in that order. I cared more about the Novacorps (or is it Novacore?) cops than I did about her, and they had only a bare handful of lines) and I didn't care about the villain at all (indeed, he felt horribly generic), but I still cared about the movie because the other characters carried it through for me.
I like comedy, but I think it is very easy to fall off the horse there. A lot of folks are fans of character destruction comedy, but I tend to be less of a fan of such, mostly because a lot of it doesn't really make good use of the characters. That being said, I do like it when the character destruction comedy makes use of the character, and I have to admit what they did in The LEGO Movie amused me, so maybe it is just that I care a lot for execution. Comedy can be mishandled, but a little bit of comedy even in a serious story can work well and can help add some variation and texture to it; likewise, actually having real ideas in a comedy can also make a comedy better (some of the ideas in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, for instance, are quite fun to mull over).
And... I'm not sure what else. Honestly, if I could really say what it was that made a story good, I'd probably be the most brilliant author ever, because no one, to the best of my knowledge, has figured out how to do that. There is a certain je ne sais crois to writing, and indeed, to many creative tasks, which is part of why it is so hard to write the Great American Novel or whatever. There are rules to writing, there are actually things that make stories better, and you can learn how to do them, but it seems frustratingly difficult to explain many of them save by example.
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I hope so! I have done tons more reading - and not only of ponyfiction - since I joined FIMFiction back in February of last year. I've also gained a much greater appreciation for how certain things work.
Either that, or talent really does rub off and I've just been rolling my face all over good writers.
Just a note: you have the first two stories both labeled as "The Element of Surprise". The links are correct, but not the actual labels.
Thanks for the review, even if it was pretty sparse. I appreciate it.
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Sorry about that; I'm not quite sure what more there was to say about it. Farces aren't really my area of expertise; I don't really write stories like that, and the story seemed to mostly work, so I wasn't going to go complaining about it. Most of it would be nit-picking rather than stuff which is actually helpful in a review; if you'd like I could go through it though and pull out the little things. I'm just not sure how valuable most of that would be.
2669301
"I do not know think"? I do believe that's a quoi you are looking for. :B
And that was informative, thank you. :)
You've got Element of Surprise by Trick Question as the title for the first two reviews there.
2670103
Whoops! Fixed, it should have been The Sound of One Hoof Clopping.
2669257 These elements, obviously: img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130120172521/mlp/images/5/53/The_Elements_of_Harmony_in_a_chest_S03E10.png
"Ha ha, Super, you're so funny in a pathetic way!"
Your review of One Hoof Clopping makes me wonder: did you ever read Koans For The Next Age? 325 words of Friendship is Optimal poetry.
(Also: mine. But I'm okay being shameless about it.)
2671904
What is this sha-me you speak of?
Damn, how'd I miss this when it went up? Reviews of Trick's non-clop, a lengthy explanation of what TD likes, a rec for a shipping farce I never would've heard of, and Optimalverse koans!?
2671904 You nerd. (You should totally write some more FiO... after you've uploaded the kajillion fics you're editing at any given moment and gotten back into the long, complicated story you haven't been able to update in months, I mean.)
2717680
I actually have some FiO that — some day in the nebulous future after all of those things you list — I want to complete and publish! Of course, that backlog is the problem …
You know what? Since you asked, and since all of three people are ever going to see this (unless TD does something silly like posting an "omg horizon wrote a thing" blog
), here, have a link to 4300 words of FiO-universe sci-fi.
It's Chapter 1 of what would probably end up being at least a novella, so the chances of it getting finished are pretty slim, but …
2718133 aah I love you horizon
<3
2718133
2717680
I did a count of stories that I have started but haven't finished, either not yet finished writing or which need to be edited for publication.
It is presently standing at 15.
I know that feel, Horizon.
I know it all too well.
What is wrong with us?
(Insert obligatory comment that it is still no excuse not to post The Case of the Cowled Changelings, though)
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Ambition.
Wait, let me change my answer.
Hoarding.
… Ambition and hoarding.
WAIT!
I've got it this time. Laziness!
Or maybe just — ooh, is that a shiny?
2718445
New ideas are always shiny.
2718445
Ambition, hoarding, and laziness. Our three chief weapons are ... Let me come in again.
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