Building and "correcting" stories - Because it is right

That story is a bad one. I like it paradoxicaly, but it is objectively weak.
[edit: yeah... I sort of changed my mind since I wrote those words.]

Now I'm not talking about the number of views (I do care about the number of views, but not when it comes to judging the quality of a story). That result is easily explained by the presentation of the story (picture isn't attractive, no main character in the description, vague theme, OC tag).
Want views? Write how Rainbow Dash taught Fluttershy how to fly to pass the final exam of pegasus school when they were fillies. Add porn in it if you're desperate.

Clearly an example of a story I only wrote for myself.

***

FIRST ANALYZIS

Two things are clearly badly done in "Because it is right" (ignoring the fact it was really difficult to find a title and a picture):
1) the orphans aren't delevopped properly and are relegated to the rank of "props".
2) the two times the "theme" of the story was showing its muzzle, it is done in nothing more than a line:
- “Please…” Celestia implored. “Don’t listen to me because I am supposed to move the sun. Listen to me because what I say is right.”
- “My plan?” she asked back.

Celestia was supposed to learn that you do not need any special power to be a leader and fulfill the role of "princess", but instead of developping that part I rushed it because it was very late and I was tired.

Still, there are things I did sort of right. Actually, all the reasons I wrote the story for turned out satisfying for me:
- Foster is wise but crazy and happy
- the way the new name is given
- the scene where a filly asks Celestia if she can pretend to be her daughter
- the way Celestia reveals her true identity for the sake of the foal
- all the hints at Celestia's identity (pretty obvious actually)
- the whole scene with the "soup"
- the whole deal with the "six questions" (that was just a joke at the beginning)
- the story of the moon (won't prevent me to try to write the story once, but I could put it in there and that pleases me).
- going to the west

***

So, how did I build that story?
The basic idea was:
"A pony fails at fulfilling her role and flees before she encounters a situation where she has to try once again."
Celestia was the one making the most sense (tried to imagine it with Twilight and RD, but no...)

The structure is pretty simple:
1) Foster discovers Celestia and takes her in
2) Celestia spends time in the orphanage and begins to like it
3) Accident forces her to reveal herself (scene of paying for the apple with the dress, which was the core of the story)
4) Confrontation with the mayor
( 5) escape and resolution )

Now, to stay focused on what failed there, I should have followed the proper and classical way:
- use the "playing" scene with the fillies and foals to show their personalities ('cause they have some) and make a better job at showing those too with the story telling part.
- have the orphans come back in the third third to deliver Celestia and Foster from the prison (how... that's another problem.)
- make a repetition of Celestia's plea in her stand against the mayor
- show the developpement of Celestia's plan in the third third (by making her first refuse to develop a plan, then accept the idea she is the one that is expected to do it, then slowly link the points together to find out how to handle the situation)
- maybe show how she comes back to Canterlot (but that would suppose developping what happened in Canterlot beside just "couldn't raise the sun")

In other terms, the story should be about twice its actual size to correspond to what would be expected from such a story.
And to be honest, it wouldn't even be "that" hard to change it to be that way. Those addition would be sort of easy to make as they are very usual. But they are pretty uninteresting in my eyes.

And there I'm facing the biggest difficulty: just who am I writing for and why am I writing?

I don't want to change the story, even if it wouldn't too much effort "objectively". And even if I know the story isn't really fit for external readers.

At the same time:
- what happened in Canterlot is actually said with the scene with the mayor (which is a mirror to what happened)
- the story of the moon is there to accentuate that fact, by showing that Luna actually achieved something to help where Celestia didn't and the reversal of roles between the two sisters
- the children are really not more than "plot points" and shouldn't be the focus of the story. That and my descriptive skills as well as my mastery of english are already put to their limites in this story (as shown with the tale part where all the children suddenly act the same and pretty boringly).
And I don't understand children anyway...

I just wanted to write that story because some parts of it were pleasing me and I wanted it to exist. So I did it.
I know it is bad, I know I could correct it, and at the same time I don't feel like it would be worth it to take the time and effort to do so...

I need to think about that. The same way I wrote, not so long ago when speaking about "Twilight time" and me that I wouldn't write stories if I were conscious of the fact they are lesser form of something already existing or even slighlty under the impression they have no reason to exist.
"Because it is right" doesn't have any reason to exist other than me wanting it to exist. And would I have taken a pause at any time during the process of writing it, it probably would have joined the huge pile of unfinished stories I have.

But I sort of like the fact the story exists...

This is too complicated.

***

CORRECTION PART

THE THEME OF THE STORY

I was going to go back and edit the story to change the two main points I've pointed above, but the very first point I was going to change:
"Please…” Celestia implored. “Don’t listen to me because I am supposed to move the sun. Listen to me because what I say is right.”
Well... I just can't get myself to add the two other instances. I can't fully understand if it's out of good reasons, or if my head is playing tricks on me, but re-reading the scene, it works better in my eyes with only one plea.

I mean, it doesn't make any sense. The little sentence that would be so crucial for the understanding of the theme of the story by the reader is very clearly caught between two very distracting elements:
“You see! She is not the princess of the sun. She isn’t a princess at all. She is nothing but an impostor!” he said in triumph."
and
“Wait! Wait!” he shouted. “I’ve got it. I’ve got the soup!”

But at the same time... I just don't feel right changing it. That little sentence feels so pathetic, so isolated, so completely useless and deprived of its supposed power that it actually pleases me. I think I'm reading and feeling only what I want to read and feel, but the fact that the way the story is structured takes all its power from this plea makes it look in a way I like.
As if Celestia was trying to say something than nobody, not even the reader, would be able to hear.

Oh well, let's try to correct the "plan" thing.

***

And there I was going to correct that and I ended up correcting another part:
“Right…sixth question: why is it so important that you move the sun ?”
It doesn't pleases me. Those questions are supposed to look like they are random or coming from a child or a very naive person. Here, it looks too much like he is trying to make a point (which is the case).
I changed it:
“Right…so, huh... sixth question: why is it so important that you move the sun again?”

I also added hesitation there:
“Oh, yeah, that makes sens! But then... hum... Fifth question: why did you leave Canterlot?” Foster asked.

And here:
“That makes sense.” remarked Foster trying ot understand it all. “So fourth question: why don’t they obey you anymore then?”
With the "trying to understand it all" => need to go correct the "to"...

Okay, let's go for the plan thingy now...

***

Okay, now, once again, I'm hesitating to change that part... analyzing it in details, I notice that there is some sort of a rythm in that part that is set here:
“Of course. How will you deal with the corrupted mayor, help the orphanage and win the day?”
(with the three elements in a row trick)
At the same time, the whole passage before was so long and boring (just walking and talking with a guard) that I'm feeling glad I'm not losing time with the plan and Celestia's hestiations.

"That was a lot to expect from her. But at the same time, she felt a relief in knowing the weird stallion was ready to stay at her side to help her in her task. Not that this stallion alone would be sufficient."
That part is actually quite good in my eyes:
1) she doubts (in one sentence)
2) she recognizes she isn't alone (which is the f**cking point)
3) transition for the resolution

Right to the point.
Nope, I like it, so I'll keep it that way.

Also, I love the transition from developing a plan to popping up in front of the merchant. It stays true to the rythm of that part and creates some sort of dynamism.

Let's see what I can do for those fillies and foals...

***

“I’ll take that for a yes.” Foster happily interpreted her silence. “Come on, or we will be late for dinner and the kids will wonder where I am!”
I'm still doing a lot of mistakes in english. At the same time, I live in the illusion that I've gotten better with time.

“Tell me…” he whispered.
She swallowed her saliva.
=> I'm so easily amused. No wonder I love mlp.

“Shia!” he shouted. “What do you say? Can I call you Shia?”
=> Shia with an english pronunciation is actually a very insulting name for whoever speaks french. I mean, it's probably one of the worst name I could have given her. Even more insulting than Cunégonde.

And having said those last words, he rushed ahead, forcing the mare to trot behind him for a good twenty meters, around the corner,
=> very easily amused :P. And I'm smiling. Why do I even question why I write stories?

Oaken Shield didn’t respond, but quickly rushed upstairs, happy to have a reason to avoid being under the scrutiny of the new mare.
=> lol, I forgot to change his name here. Well, let's do that right now. He isn't a shield just right now.

“Can I pretend you’re my mother anyway please?”
=> fun fact, she was supposed to say "Can I pretend you're my mummy anyway please?" but that would have been a reference to "Mummy on the orient express" from doctor who and, to be honest, as much as I think this was probably the best doctor who episode in ages, the mummy was the weakest part of it.

***

THE CHILDREN

It was Tooth Far, who, as always, was making sure every detail was working accordingly to plan.
=> yeah, I remember having left those details.
Tooth Far (too far) was supposed to be the wise one
Moonlight (always in the moon) was supposed to be the creative one
Gold Renette (name of an apple that sounded food enough, and golden heart) was supposed to be the childish one
Oaken Seed (Oaken Shield, then taken the Seed from Apple Seed that was Applebloom original name) was supposed to be the shy scared one (but future hero, like in Harry Potter with I don't know which character than was one of the few interesting one)
Sampion (Hercules originally, then I found an apple actually named Sampion...) was supposed to be the bully of the group

Okay, chapter two looks alright, no major flaw there.

“I like your dress.”
=> only to make the reader remember Shia was wearing a dress (so that the reveal later wouldn't collide with the vision of a white unicorn completely naked)

“It’s true.” said Oaken Seed from under his sheets.
Here is a little change I can do to show his personality:
“It’s true.” said Oaken Seed from deep under his sheets.
Easy, yay ^^.

“It’s one of her eyes she throws in the sky at night to spot the naughty children!” said Tooth Far, who recalled a rumor she had heard.
“She wanted to spot her prey more easily during the night. It’s her searchlight…” faintly said Oaked Seed.
“It’s a mirror to a world where she stocks all the nightmares!” imagined Moonlight. “This is why it looks so pale.”
=> nothing to change there. I mean, it's not worth much, but it works correctly.

“There are creatures in the shadows?” asked Moonlight, suddenly frightened by the perspective, letting her vivid imagination take the best of her.
=> just made that change to put the focus more on Moonlight and her imagination. Not too big of a change in either way. Not so sure about it, but it is made and I can't remember what was written before, so... there it is now ^^.

“Princess Luna is dumb!” said Oaken Seed, for whom it was clear that it was the only explanation for a princess not to understand nightmares.
=> an easy change here:
“Princess Luna is dumb!” said Oaken Seed, for whom it was clear that it was the only explanation for a princess not to understand why nightmares were scary.
It puts the focus more on the scary part.

“Princess Luna created the moon for us?” asked Tooth Far, who had some difficulties to believe it.
=> another simple change, but an important one in my eyes:
“Princess Luna created the moon for us?” asked Toothy, who had some difficulties to believe it.
Tooth Far is a pretty bad name. It doesn't sound good. At the same time, it reflects the nature of the character. Still, I need to use "Toothy" everytime I want the filly to look more "cute". And this is one of those times.

“I like her too.” said Shia. “I wish I could be like her.”
Doesn't have any relation to the children, but that part wasn't clear enough in my eyes. So I decided to change it:
“I like her too.” said Shia while looking at the moon the princess had achieved to create for the sake of her subjects. “I wish I could be like her.”
It puts more focus ont he "achievement" part. The fact there is a symbol of her divinity in the sky.

Well, that third chapter was better than I expected...
Weird...

“You don’t want me to give the apple to the orphanage?” asked the merchant, confused.
=> I love that question. So simple. So effective.

And I'm back at square one.

The only ways I could add something for those children is:
- by making them come visit in the dungeon cell (or just only Sampion... yes, that is way better. And it avoids making it too long).
- by giving a purpose to Sampion. Which I would by making him visit in the dungeon cell... Yes, this is perfect!
I just have to do it now...
Oh god...

***

And... I didn't make it visit. The last chapter is already too long and it would have destroyed the pacing of the scene. I would have to rethink it entirely, which I don't have the time to do.

So I changed the ending:
“We missed you.” said Sampion, who had strongly hoped to see the mare again one day.

Celestia smiled and gave him an apple she had kept hidden, which made the foal blush like a filly for the hilarity of the other children. But Sampion wasn't feeling ashamed about it. He was just grateful for the sun to have given him some light in the darkness.

As for the others, they had begun to play a bit with Celestia’s mane, [...]

It isn't really an ending to that sort of "character ark", but at the same time, he wasn't central. His only role was to steal an apple for Celestia to save him. And I guess he must have had a crush on Celestia. Not much more.
Just saw that the formulation "have given him some light in the darkness" mirrors Luna's moon giving children some light in the darkness.

Yeah, that pleases me. I'll keep it that way.

***

Man, that story is awesome!

***

THE PICTURE

Okay, no idea what image to use. I feel the two bits I was using at first was just too ugly of a picture and the bit in the story doesn't really fulfill any role after all.
So I put an apple (which is way more central to the whole thing), but I can't help but feel it isn't right.

Of course, I could use that image:

But it would give the impression it's about Applejack, which isn't the case.

Or that image:

But the reference is just too clear and I feel bad using that image (considering how little respect I showed previously, this is surprising).
I mean, I just feel the image is way too good for the story, even if I finished by learning to love it in the end.

As bits went, there was that picture:

But it was already used for a story on fimfiction, and a very popular one at that.
So no.

I thought of comissioning Mad Munchkin for it, but she seems to be putting watermark on her pictures and I would avoid to have to use a jpeg with a watermark on it to illustrate the story.
That and I'm not sure what I would ask her to draw, as Celestia with her dress is the only thing that comes to mind and it would give away the "twist" of the story at first sight.

Oh well. Apple it is.