Building stories - For the eyes of a sentry · 7:05am Aug 4th, 2014
Boy did people dislike that story. That didn't happen since... wow, since the very beginning. Yay ^^ for memories.
It has been a crazy week. First sort of vacation in a long, long, very long time and I finally could take a little more time than usual to practice my hobbies.
The result were three stories, very different in ambition, types and results. Looking back, I probably could have just taken the time I used for the three of those to write only one, but to be honest, it just wouldn't have been efficient. The result for the readers would have been almost the same anyway.
This will mainly be a study to try to understand why "for the eyes of a sentry" was disliked so much, as per usual, nobody gave me any explanation whatsoever, so I'll have to play the guessing game.
Which I'm okay with, as I like analyzing stuff (the only thing I'm sort of good at I guess).
[edit: even if it appeared the my biases prevented me to do a good analysis. Also, I really would like to know why it's a bad story, because it has to be, but I can't see it...]
***
Let's see... where to begin?
Context
I personnally like that story. I honestly think it's better than others I've written like, for example "Helping" or "The sugar tears". Probably at the level of a "The seed of destruction", but without any metaphor whatsoever.
The context of the story was the result of "to embellish the world", a story that I think turned out very well given my poor skills in writing. I saw very few people were noticing it and so I concluded that I was allowed to do pretty much anything I wanted, because nobody would notice.
Therefore, I decided to finally write a very old project of mine that I never could find a way to really make work.
The basic concept goes as follows:
- a character is in love with another character
- the other character isn't "available" (whatever the reason)
- the first character has to deal with it
At first, the story was called "the third plate" and was about Rainbow Dash inviting one of her friend over to dinner, but setting a third plate as sort of a tradition "in case "he" were to come". And then, "he" would come as the friend would leave, in an ambiguous daydreaming stuff.
It wasn't working because the introduction was too long for what I actually wanted to say, I had to create a whole new character for the occasion and make the reader accept that one of the mane six was in love with him, which isn't easy, and even more a character from her past. Thought of using one of the bullies from Sonic Rainboom, but it couldn't work at all. Also, I had a plan for the progression of their confrontation that looked like that:
Phase 1: idle chat ending with RD telling "him" that she still loved him.
Phase 2: Bragging, showing how much she has accomplished in an attempt to impress him (element of harmony, wonderbolt, sonic rainboom)
Phase 3: begging him not to leave her, begging him to love her
Phase 4: use of violence to force him to stay and love her
It then occured to me that Twilight would not only be way more suited for such a breakdown, but her princess title as well as her magical powers made it possible to go that much further with the concept. So the story became Twilight having Pinkie Pie for dinner, setting up the third plate and slowly beginning to confuse Pinkie Pie with the one she loves, making the pink pony panic.
But once again, the introduction was way too long for nothing, I had to create a new character born out of nowhere and, quite honestly, the whole thing was just hard to write.
And finally, I realized I could use Flash Sentry to avoid creating a new character (even if it was changing a lot of things in the story), making the introduction that much shorter and the whole thing that much easier to write.
***
Structure
The story was planned as follows when I began writing:
1) Twilight learns about Flash getting married
2) she ends up alone with him
3) she confesses her love and tries to win him over like in the original pla
3.1) simple confession, rational talk
3.2) begging (no "accomplishment phase", which in restrospective, I could have put into there, even if saying "I'm a princess now" felt way too obvious and kinda forced)
3.3) violence
I pretty much decided that I shouldn't care and just try to write the thing as it came, for otherwise I wouldn't write anything at all.
***
Main problems
For as much as I can tell, the story has four major problems:
1) Faith Full
2) the use of words like "horrible" and "terrible" and "dreadful" in no progressive manner
3) the rush of the different phases of Twilight attempts
4) the ending
It might look like a lot, but those are only guesses at this stage, and quite honestly, there are stories where I could make a lit of a dozen of problems.
***
Faith Full
The problem with Faith Full, beside her name which is probably one of the worst I could think of for a mare, or any feminine character for that matter (but a personnal reference to "to protect the society" as I had to entertain myself), is the fact that she disappears after the first third of the story.
“I am deeply sorry your majesty. I wish I could have stayed with you.”
And bam, she is gone forever.
I remember having thought of that at that point in the story, and I knew I wouldn't be able to bring her back in this. I wish I could have avoided bringing in the character at all, which seems feasible now that I think about it. It's just a little harder.
Yeah, it's possible to just not have her character in the story altogether.
Now is it a big problem? Not a big one, but a problem nonetheless. Her character is flat, I had the upmost difficulty not to make the "foaly matripony" joke where she happens to be the best bride ever and her disparition mid way makes her existence pretty much useless to the story.
On the other hand, it might help the reader understand Flash's reactions, as it makes its commitment to his bride more concrete than just saying he has a bride (show don't tell).
Mmmmh... That is quite a conandrum. The best thing would probably be to find a way to bring back Faith Full (god that name...) in the end of the story, but to do what, I've got no idea at all.
***
Progression of "horrible" synonyms
Okay, reading it again, it's not so problematic. The worst I could find is:
“I promise!” Twilight joyfully said, as all the pain disappeared as suddenly as it had come.
Because it contradicts what I had just said a few lines before:
and hadn’t been faking any of that.
Not my fault the human mind is a complete f**k. I saw such things happen, so I know such lunatic behaviors are possible. But this is a story, not the truth, so the transition is too abrupt. I should probably read: "I promise" Twilight said with a grateful look, as the pain was slowly going away.
[edit: done, I modified it]
Well, I'm either too bad with english or it really isn't that much problematic, but I feel like the style actually supports the story like it should. I mean, I actually used several tricks to avoid repeating the same transition again and again.
Nope, thought there was a problem there, but not more than usual.
***
The phases
The first phase goes form the departure of Faith Full to:
but he would live with the pride of having had a princess hitting on him. He was, after all, a stallion.
And the whole things works out pretty well. It is casual conversation (on a serious subject), the tone is very friendly, the awkwardness kept to a minimum, the atmosphere I wanted to create is there for as far as I can judge.
Then the transition seems well constructed enoug, beginning with the whole:
And then, there was the madness.
That is still inside the first phase (making it a foreshadowing of the transition).
And the:
“Would it be a problem if I were to stay just a little longer?”
That is still casual, but still a beginning of the begging that was to follow.
And finally:
“Would you accept if I were to kiss you?”
That begins the second part, where Twilight decides she has to lower herself, throw her dignity away to have the slightest chance to have Flash.
Then the whole second phase goes on as I wanted it to. It's disgusting, I never cross the line where it becomes a ship fic (they only speak about it, Flash stays very firm against the idea, and the farther they go is a kiss on the mouth, which isn't even in that part).
It is making Twilight look horrible, but that's kind of the point...
The transition to the next phase begins with:
I’m going to throw you out myself!”
And I have a whole paragraph to explain the change of mindset.
“What is it going to take to make you admit you love me?”
Twilight aknowledges the last phase has failed.
“What is it you stallions want from us?”
She introduces the next one.
The next phase is a weird one. Now that I look at it, it's actually that famous "bragging" phase I thought I had left out, but turned in a weird way. Twilight isn't explaining how great she is, but showing how much she can offer in a "bargaining" attempt.
This is pretty chaotic for me because it actually comes from another story I wanted to write (and never could). Still, I don't think it really failed.
“Flowers?” she asked.
It was a joke actually, as Twilight has actually no idea about stallions and how they think. Also, I do think that giving flowers to a man is probably as good of a way as any other to show affection. I mean, flowers are only symbolic, so why wouldn't it work?
“Gold?” she asked.
Paying to obtain what you want is a very natural reaction and a lot of relationship seem to begin for money reasons (yay for stereotypes).
then maybe you want power?
Show of affection, gold and now power. Actually, those three elements were first thought in a context where it was offered to a woman, so it feels kinda weird for me. Still, it makes sense. You can by a man's affection (sort of) with both money or power (many marriages were built on such fundations, for the best and probably mostly the worst).
I’ll defeat all the other princesses
This doesn't produce the effect I wanted, but it was supposed to be the point where Twilight was realizing she still didn't possess enough even with all her accomplishment and was beginning to seek more from anything that she could offer.
Looking back, the story would actually probably be better with a poorer and weaker pony.
Man I had just the premisces for such a story...
“You want the sun and the moon to obey your very whims? Believe me, I’ll find a way to turn you into an alicorn, and I’ll give you every bit of magic I possess.”
This one is actually useless in itself. Its only role is to make a transition between the three last propositions (flowers, gold and power) and the last part:
Or maybe you simply want the world to burn.
Where Twilight actually confuses her own wishes and madness with what Flash might actually want.
He took his decision. This had gone too far.
Another transition. In the last transition, he was about to throw her out, now he is the one who wants to flee (and rightfuly so, as danger is nearing).
It's supposed to show that things are actually progressing (please go out / I'm going to throw you out / I have to flee).
And then comes the final phase, where Twilight decides that if the world isn't how she wants it to be, then she has to "make" it be like she wants it to be.
“I won’t let you go!” she shouted. “You belong to me! You will make me happy, no matter if you like it or not!”
Honestly, I don't see the problem there.
Once again, it's pretty far from the vision we have of Twilight, but again, kind of the whole point.
“Because I love her.” Flash replied, without really thinking about his own words, just expressing his deepest feelings in pure desperation.
And then the final phase ends and the ending begins.
I don't see much problems with those phases. They aren't exactly what I would have wanted them to be, in fact, I might try the whole thing again in another setting entirely (Spike, Spike... helloooo), but the only thing that seems really bothersome in the whole thing is the fact that this could be considered Twilight not being "in character". But keeping her "in character" would make it kind of hard to create any tension at all (well, actually only harder. But the phases would be completely different... or not. Hey, thinking about it, it would be fun to try it under that light, with an overanalyzing Twilight going through all those breakdowns through very cold analysis).
Still, this wouldn't have been what I wanted it to be. And in a way, it would probably end up being more comic than really emotional on any kind of lever. I prefer for the reader to hate Twilight at this point and side with Flash Sentry (who is the actual good guy in all this).
***
The ending
Okay. To be honest, that:
Those words hit Twilight directly in the stomach.
Is kind of weak. And cliché. And stupid.
Looking back, the transition would have been better if Twilight had entered a new level of rage (which I'm unable to describe because of lack of fitted words) that would gradually transform into her accepting the situation, looking at her own doing and then finally shutting down, instead of having her shut down immediately.
Still, this is a minor problems, as even if the transition is done poorly, it's still a transition and it still does its job of saying:
"Okay, Twilight isn't in violence mode anymore, we enter a new part of the story".
Still, at this point, I had no idea what was supposed to happen. The main challenge at this point is to find out how life is suppose to resume after such an outburt.
In the original story, it was all basically theoretical, so that was easy. But here, it was all real, and between two ponies that aren't really "friends", so that less ready to forgive.
“Twilight!” he shouted.
I like that part. It saves the ending in my eyes. How he decides to forgive, even if just temporary, and still save her. I like how he finds a way to still act like a sensible person at that stage.
I just like that part. It's cliché, but I guess I'm a sucker for such things.
And as she was losing consciousness, her horn glowed one last time.
Okay, I've got absolutely no idea what happened in the end, so I left it as opened as possible. The different possible interpretations are:
- Twilight casted a spell that changed everypony's memory/altered the world/changed the course of time itself
- Flash Sentry has decided to keep the whole thing a secret to prevent damaging the reputation of the princess
- Flash Sentry ends up falling in love with Twilight (the way it is written, you might believe it, but not the intention at all)
- It had all been a dream all along (why not... at this point...)
My own interpretation being between the first two possibilities, and sort of a mix of both. Actually, originally, Cadance was supposed to have arranged everything so that Twilight wouldn't have to face those consequences, inventing the fall in the stairs (as a reference to "the disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya") to cover the true events and lying to preserve Twilight. I just didn't go too far with the idea because it was making the whole ending way longer than I wanted it to be (Celestia and Luna were involved, as well as the whole concept of love being way more powerful for alicorns and some hints at previous similar experiences from the other princesses).
“I shall always stay loyal to my princess.”
Those words. They sounded so great in my hears that I went back in the story and added:
More than anything else, he was loyal to his princess.
It's sort of stupid, but I like the idea that even if Flash doesn't love Twilight, he respects her enough to forgive her and try to protect her against the odds, trusting her enough to believe she won't do anything of the sort ever again (where the normal reaction would be to ensure she would never to anything of the sort again, usually by telling as many people as possible and keeping as much distance as possible).
I just think it's a sweet ending, and the most optimistic I could think of for a story that is so cynical at its core. Love is cruel, there are no rules and you can lose everything at it. But when people actually respect each other, then it makes a big part of that cruelty go away and the experience sort of constructive.
That ending also makes Flash Sentry sort of deserving to be loved in my eyes, for he really acts like a pony with a heart of gold at that point.
***
So to resume, even if I didn't go very deeply with my analysis (due to biases that are pretty obvious, given that I'm criticizing myself over a very personal story that I actually like):
- Faith Full is very problematic, but her presence still helps making the conflict more concrete. She should still reappear at the end (maybe as the nurse taking care of Twilight, but that would be taking it a bit too far) and her character is boringly perfect (then again, she disappears in the middle, so why care?).
- everything else actually works in my eyes.
***
I guess I'll never know. At least people gave me their honest opinion on my work (which is good ^^) and told me I have donc something bad, which is a step further than usual. I wish they had told me why it's bad (like for "Twilight doesn't like books" where people, even if in very short comments, told me the main problems I had to solve), so that I might avoid to repeat those mistakes... but oh well, I imagine I'll never know.
So if I can't better myself, I guess I'll have to just continue having fun in my little corner of the site, writing whatever pleases me and just hoping it won't waste too many people's time (which for the moment it seems to be working quite well).
The funny thing is, I thought, at first, that I was going to stop writing because I had lost any capacity to write anything remotely good enough to be appreciated by any other than myself (which might be true...or maybe people are only know telling me the truth about my work ^^).
But I found myself writing another story the very next day (felt like the next day at least) that people also seem to hate for some reason and that too won't prevent me from writing at least four other stories (probably:
- A wolf in Ponyville
- Body parts
- The judgment
- ... I still don't know - probably "the curse" or "the solve-everything machine").
Also, at some point, I intend to write "In which Lyra didn't see a human" and maybe continue and finish "The Spike". I just need to find a way to make those two stories work, and honestly, it's not won.
And people will hate all those stories.
And they will be right to do so.
And the world will keep on turning.
And I'll be there, still smiling ^^.
Ok, I will start out by saying that I haven't read the fic. The characters and description didn't appeal to me, sorry. So neither did I read the in-detail analysis, because that would spoil the story if I get around to read it.
But I read the opening and finishing parts of the blog, and I'll try adding another viewpoint; I think this might be your problem, not necessarily that it was written badly.
Flash Sentry, and especially when in romance with Twilight, seems to be a very hated combination.
You even got a comment;
Questioning your viewpoint of the ship itself, not the fic.
Taking a look at the other fics with the same amount of views, and that have Twilight, Flash and Romance in them, shows that many of them have received multiple downvotes, even if their authors have other stories, mostly with positive scores.
You also received 8 of the downvotes during the first day. when the story (and cover pic) was visible on the front page, in "New Stories".
So, what I'm trying to say is that the score might not be because of a bad fic, because I want to think that you'd hear that in the comments. No, I think that most of the downvotes were because of the tags, description and image used - FlashLight.
The same way that Human-, Anthro-, Alicorn OC- and other popular ship stories get random downvotes, because people simply don't like the idea.
I can't say that the story was good or bad, not having read it, but after skimming this blog, I wanted to say that there could be other reasons for the downvotes.
2372192
No problem at all
. The opposite reaction would have actually scared me.
You might very well be right. It would be kind of disappointing to learn that, not because people would be expressing a hatred I don't really care about, but because I thought I could learn something new from the experience.
"Don't write about Twilight and Flash Sentry" isn't a lesson I would like to learn.
In fact, it makes me want to write another one, just for fun. But that wouldn't be very mature from me. And I don't have any idea for such a story anyway...
Thanks for pointing that out to me. I should have probably realized that myself, but I guess I was kind of blinded by what I wanted to see.
2372945 Well, for what it's worth; Without any of the downvoters actually commenting, it's impossible to know for sure.
Let's just say that if I'm right, even about a portion of the voters - what are downvotes done by people who didn't read, worth? I guess that's up for you to decide.
If you want a bit more exposition, there are Flash-positive groups to do that in;
Flash Sentry
FlashLight
I mean, he cannot only be hated, just have to keep a lookout for the likers, I guess.
And, if this somehow inspired you to write another Flash Sentry-story, go for it. Don't let random downvotes stop ya'!
Also, I probably should have checked out the links I used earlier a bit better, instead of just pasting as I found them.
What the heck is this?
2373658
I'll never know.
To be honest, it's the same problem with most of the other stories. There are some upvotes, but I never know if those are because people liked the story they read, because they want to be kind with me, encourage me, or because of any other reason.
I guess I can only keep on writing what I think is good and maybe one day someone will tell me what I'm doing right or wrong. Like you did a few times.
I have many other stories that I want to write (or wish I could write...). It's possible that I use Flash and Twilight again, but only if this makes any sort of sense in any way for me. Making a story just to have them in it doesn't enter my way of thinking the act of writing.