Weird Lollipop, Ends with a Lame Twist · 8:51pm Sep 25th, 2014
“Dear Celestia, this week has been tiring.”
“Eeeyup.”
“At least it’s over now.” Cheerilee played absent-mindedly with the straw on her drink and sighed. “I can’t believe how weird it’s been, you know? I mean, for crying out loud, even Discord got involved, and it was by far the simplest part of the whole week.” She snorted. “Go figure.”
“…Discord?”
Silence.
Something in Big Mac’s voice forced Cheerilee to raise her eyes and look at him.
They were at Sugarcube Corner, of course—it was the de-facto place to go on a date on Ponyville, if only because there were literally no other pubs to go. With all the princesses and Elements of Harmony and Everfree Forests and whatnot it was easy to forget that, from a purely objective point of view, Ponyville was quite the lame town. Lame enough to have only one pub, and that pub also worked as a bakery, because when Ponyville went lame it went all the way through.
“Roll that by me again?” she said, looking right into Big Mac’s eyes. “Please?”
“Hmmm.” Big Mac looked away. “…Nope.”
“You know, even if your coat is red, I can tell if you’re flustered.” Cheerilee pointed at his face. “You’re doing the eyelids thing.”
“Ah’m not doing anythin’.”
“Whenever you get embarrased, you flutter your eyelids.” Cheerilee batted her eyelids with her best Rarity impersonation. “See? Like this. Only more feminine.”
“Ah—That’s—” Big Mac coughed. “That’s not true.”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Ah’m not!”
“Hmm.” Cheerilee tried to hide her smirk as she took a sip of her drink through the straw. “You know, for a second there you sounded mad.”
“Ah’m not mad.”
“I know you aren’t. But you sounded like you don’t like Discord at all.” Cheerilee got closer to the table and poked Big Mac’s muzzle with a hoof. “And now you’re flustered.”
Big Mac sighed and took another gulp of his cider. Cheerilee saw how his shoulders dropped down a little. “Ah don’t like Discord.”
“I already guessed so,” Cheerilee said. Then she bit her lip. “That’s… unusual.”
Big Mac frowned.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong. You’re allowed not to like ponies. Or, um, draconequus. It’s just…” Cheerilee put her lips around the straw and took a little sip. “You’re pretty good at hiding that kind of thing.”
Big Mac smirked. “Ah have a good poker face.”
“Talking to you is similar to talking to a wall now and then, yes.”
“Uh.”
“A very charismatic wall, don’t get me wrong.”
“Uh-huh.”
They stood in silence for a couple minutes, only disturbed by the rest of Sugarcube Corner’s clientele, both Cheerilee and Big Mac doing nothing but drink their drinks and enjoying each other’s company.
And then, surprisingly enough, Big Mac was the one who broke said silence, coughing in a somewhat awkward way. “He… he turned me into a dog,” he said.
Cheerilee blinked.
“Roll that by me again?”
“Discord,” Big Mac explained. He was avoiding her eyes, and his eyelids were batting like crazy. Cheerilee was surprised he wasn’t flying away like a very strange pegasus. “He, hm, turned me into a dog. When he attacked. Before my sis n’ her friends turned him to stone again.”
“A… A dog?”
Big Mac sighed, still looking to the side. “Eeyup.”
“He turned you into a dog.”
“That’s what Ah said.”
Cheerilee squinted. “Like, with fur and…?”
“What? No!” Big Mac bit his lip. His eyelids reminded Cheerilee of a hummingbird’s wings. “He, um, made me act like a dog.” He sighed, and finally looked at Cheerilee with a mortified expression. “Barking, digging for bones…” His words turned to an undecipherable mumble.
“Care to repeat the last part?”
“Ah… licked some ponies’ faces,” Big Mac said. “Apparently, Ah’m a very friendly dog.”
Silence.
“You… You licked ponies’ faces.”
“Eeeyup.”
“Like, you licked-licked their faces.”
“You’re implyin’ there are more than one way to lick a face.”
“I mean, with your mouth?!”
“Mostly their cheeks.” Big Mac coughed. “Sometimes, um, the whole face. Ah had to apologize to Twilight afterwards.”
“…Oh.” Cheerilee lowered her gaze to her drink. “I… didn’t know you turned into a dog.”
“Hm.”
Silence.
Cheerilee made a little pout. “…You’ve never licked my face.”
“Eeyu—what?” Big Mac frowned. “Wait a minute. What?”
“I-I mean, it’s not like… I’m just saying!” Cheerilee raised both her front hooves in front of her face, red crepting to her face. “I just was, I mean, well…!” She bit her lip. “Well, you’ve never done that!”
“Ah’ve never—Why would Ah do such a thing?!”
“I don’t know!”
“Ah don’t go around licking ponies’ faces!”
“Yeah, well, now you don’t, apparently!” Cheerilee licked her lips, still looking at her drink. “I mean, nothing wrong with that, I guess, it’s just—”
“Ah don’t even like licking faces!” Big Mac said, his voice a little louder than usual. “That’s what dogs do!”
“Yes, yes, I got that!” Cheerilee huffed. “Geez. I was just, you know, pointing that out!”
Big Mac massaged his forehead with a hoof. “You were pointin’ out that Ah’ve never licked your face like a dog.”
“It’s not like it’s not a lie!”
“Why would Ah lick your face on the first place?!”
“Well, it’s not like you have to do that, now!” Cheerilee said, crossing her legs. “You don’t need to bother anymore!”
“Wait, you want me to lick your face?!”
“What?! No!” Cheerilee snorted. “Why would I want that?! That’s dumb. I mean, it’s just, that, well.” She coughed. Her cheeks were completely pink by now. “If you just happened to lick my face, that would be… Well, I like dogs!”
“Ah’m not a dog!”
“But you were!”
Big Mac grunted something that Cheerilee, again, didn’t catch, and pressed his hoof against his forehead. “Ah really don’t like Discord.”
“Hmph.” Cheerilee lowered her eyes back at her drink once more, and took a sip through the straw. “He wasn’t that bad.”
Silence.
“…Why did you need to talk with him?” Big Mac finally asked, once his eyelids stopped moving on their own, his voice calm and low again.
“Oh, well. Sweetie Belle accidentally turned the entire class into stone.”
“Oh.”
“And then she broke them.” Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “She’s an amazing filly, but really, thank Celestia she’s pretty.”
Big Mac arched an eyebrow.
“Yeah.” Cheerilee shrugged. “It’s a long story. I had to look for him, and ask Twilight about it, and… Overall? Crazy week.”
“Ah’m sure Ah’ll love to hear all about it,” Big Mac said, getting up, “but first Ah need to go to the bathroom, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, of course I don’t.” Cheerilee waved a hoof at him. “Go, go, go. I don’t want you to interrupt me in the middle of my story later.”
He chuckled, and then walked away. Cheerilee followed him with her gaze until he disappeared, and then raised her hoof and looked at the . “Um, excuse me? Pinkie Pie? Are you the—”
“Yes?”
Cheerilee blinked at the pink pony, who wasn’t there a second ago. “Uh. How did you—?”
“I like to hide under tables and spy our customers!”
Silence.
“What the—”
“Yeah, I’m a creep.” Pinkie Pie shot her a grin. “What did you want?”
“Uh.” Cheerile blinked. “Uh… Ah. Yes. Flutterrshy is friends with Discord now, right?”
“Yes indeedily!”
“Do you think Fluttershy would help me get Discord to turn somepony into a dog if I asked?”
Pinkie frowned. “Uh. I guess?”
Cheerilee nodded. “Good.” Then she took a sip of her drink. “Good.”
Silence.
"So, um, are the foals okay?"
"Twist is missing a leg, but I honestly don't think anypony's going to notice. She's not the most popular foal in town."
"Who the hay is Twist."
"My thoughts exactly."
Aww, poor Twist...
Congratulations! You briefly confused Pinkie!
That's gotta be worth an award or something. 
Oh, and amusing pointing out that when you really look at it, Ponyville is rather lame.
2483224
The entire purpose of this thing was to get a long-ish set up and then end it up with a bad joke that has nothing to do with the rest of it.
That is, I ended it with a lame twist.
(What the hell, I'm adding that to the title).
Best pun I've seen all day.
Some editor instincts will never leave me.
This is like Mr. Number's recent story, except lamer.
This kind of thing makes me sad that I can't upvote blog posts.
Also, I'm sure someone has already written a Cheerilee x Discorded!Big Macintosh clopfic, but I'm afraid to look.
It's over 1,000 words... If you'd published this blog post as a story, I would've been able to favorite it.
Oh, well...
This was a great story in every way. I know it was a crackfic, but now I have to ask, what did Discord do to Cheerilee when he first showed up in Ponyville?
2483239
So this was a feghoot, right?
2484771
A meta one, yes. Chris mentioned them in his blog and gave me the idea.
*Grins* Very nicely done. The pun made me groan.
....
Wow.
So thanks for that.
I like the Twist.