falling · 12:35am Sep 16th, 2014
I haven't written more than a few paragraphs these past three weeks. My whole life is crashing and burning all around me. Financial woes, family woes, and a hell of a depressive spell have been sapping me dry.
I really try to avoid making blog posts about my moods these days, much for the same reason I don't blog about my personal opinions. Nobody's here on this website for the authors, they're here for the stories. They're here to have fun, and it's hard to have that when everybody bitches.
But I have to get this off my chest. My little sister is pregnant. My other younger sister has a serious heart condition now. It looks like my maternal grandpa won't see next Christmas. It looks like my paternal grandpa is going to die in prison. My friends all hate me. I'm broke. My job is too demanding and brutal.
There. It's all out now. All the oppression, hesitance, worry, and loneliness. But there's still pain in knowing none of these things are going to get better. My only hope now is that my career training will eventually pay off, and even then there's the very real danger I am going to fail.
These past few nights have been truly awful as well. I'm hardly sleeping anymore, and when I do finally fall asleep I pray that the Good Lord would just take me in my sleep. I can't deal with this anymore, guys. I can't deal with all this shit, and I can't deal with how everyone I've loved has become complete strangers, and I can't deal with the stress of work that depends on the screwiest corporate bullshit to ever exist, and I can't deal with not even being able to afford food, and I can't deal with knowing I've become a parasite to my roommates while I slowly work towards fixing my financial situation.
I just can't.
But this pain is what drives our chosen art, right? The best writing we ever produce always comes after a particularly bad situation. After all this is over and done with, I swear to God I'm producing a novel like a motherfucker.
And not a pony one, either, though there'll still be plenty of fanfic. But a whole series of originals. I had the awesomest idea. Think of it as Pokemon meets Batman. It might not come for a year or even years, but I swear it'll be totally worth it.
But in the meantime, it looks like I'm hanging by a thread.
Thanks for just reading this bullshit, whiny post to the end. It really makes me feel like at least someone cares.
*hug*
you forgot to title your blog post so it's really hard for people to find the comment box to give you hugs :(
I don't know what it feels like to be in such an unraveling cascade of awful. I don't know what to say, either. Just...hold on to that thread, man, because if it goes,
Fimficthe world loses somebody great.I know it's hard to entertain the notion when you're in the midst of the exact opposite, but take it from someone who's been there, if under different circumstances:
There will be a time when you'll look on what's happening now and.... perhaps not laugh, but it'll just seem so far away. But the only way to get there is to keep going, and not take on the entire world's pain as your own.
I believe in you. (*hugs*)
Shoot... you have every single one of my condolences. Nobody should have to be in a situation as awful as that. Just make sure not to give up. Every tomorrow that you see has a chance of being better than yesterday, and that's a chance well worth betting on.
You've piqued my interest with your elevator pitch for that original novel series. Pokemon meets Batman? Color me intrigued. ^_^
I obviously can't say much that isn't going to sound trite, mate, but I do wish fervently that things even gradually improve for you, and I'll be thinking about you.
Dude, I can't begin to comprehend the kind of stress that you're going through, but I do know what it's like to watch a grandparent die.
All I can say is that humans are an extraordinarily tough species, and more than anything else, survive through times of adversity and come out even stronger and more determined.