The Novelty of Writing - 03 (You're Doing It Wrong) · 9:44pm Sep 15th, 2014
So, you've finally written and completed that two thousand page story about Nightmare Moon; carefully getting it proofread, edited, scrutinized, scoffed at, reviewed, and finally posted. You are now an honest-to-god writer. Congratulations!
But now that you are a writer, you have to undergo a small metamorphosis... a change. You need to begin to live like a real honest-to-god writer, and stop all this living life the old way. You now have a reputation to live up to, and a pretty big bar has been set on how you are to both exist, as well as conduct yourself from here on out. Or at least until you die, and your name goes down in the annals of time immemorial.
Writers need to look the part.
If you don't have facial hair, then consider growing some. For you female writers out there, just accentuate your face with huge or ridiculously small glasses. Anything that makes your face stand out is what you need. For the guys, it needs to either be a week's long growth of facial hair, or a full on beard. None of this cropped and neatly trimmed whiskers business... you need to look as though you haven't bothered with shaving because you're too busy on that next novel.
Likewise with your clothing. You want to almost look like a bum, but not quite into full-fledged bum territory. More like with the shaving; you'll need to look as though your head is too full of literary boilings and words and sentences to care about fashion. And NO, you cannot wear anything trending, or come off as a hipster. Why? Because hipsters still care about their looks; we're going for that carefree artist attitude here. Burn all those "20 Percent Cooler" shirts, that statement shit isn't what it's about now.
Writers need to talk the talk
Dressing and looking the part of a writer isn't enough. To "do it the right way" you will need to change the way you talk to other people. Make sure that whenever you are around a group of people that they are comprised mainly of your inferiors. Make sure that you speak and talk as though you are addressing someone a mile away. Never look them in the eye, focus instead on something just next to them, and talk in riddles, often citing obscure works from obscure writers and laughing as though what you just said is a witty joke.
If the crowd of people near you don't have a slightly confused look on their faces, or if they understand too much of what you are saying, then "you are doing it wrong" and you will need to start over with a fresh batch of inferiors.
When socializing (make sure you only do it once or twice a year) with your peers, speak as though you are worth more money than your actual novel has sold. Real numbers don't matter here; just throw out some random innuendos and let them assume that you are filthy stinking rich. Whenever you are asked about the next novel, be sure and veer off topic with some cryptic remark about Wolf Zendik or a quote from Finnegan's Wake; immediately followed by an all knowing and superior smirk.
When challenged on your writing style, simply quote from Kantor and Joyce freely.
Writers need to know the craft
It isn't enough to just write your epic two thousand word masterpiece about Nightmare Moon; you have to be able to know the art of writing like a pro. As a writer you will be expected to stand head and shoulders above the other lesser writers and wannabees. So be sure and familiarize yourself with all the obscure rules of writing, so that when you are approached by the lesser plebeians, you can scoff and scold them like the innocent and fresh-faced scribblers that they are. Be sure and remark that their story is rife with "telling" regardless of the writing style, and ensure them that they will never be so grand a writer as to be able to break even the smallest of vocab or lit rules: barring of course they already know them on your own level (which they never will).
If you are an American writer, be sure and write using single quotation marks for all lines of dialogue; because you believe the British method of grammar and punctuation to be far superior to that of your homeland; also spelling color as "colour" and cigarette as "fag". And if you are a British writer, then continue on as before... nothing has changed. Just dial up the snobbish attitude by ten percent. There. Perfect!
Writers need to live like they write
What does this mean? It means that as a writer you now need to go beyond the demonstration of being a writer, you must be the prime example of being a writer: you must live it to the extreme.
Sell your apartment, your bungalow, or fancy brick house. Those are not the dwellings of a novelist/writer. Instead, you need to consider the possibility of two places of residence: the woods, or the urbs.
If you chose the urbs, then you will need to find an abandoned warehouse, or loft above a cannery; a makeshift house overlooking the docs is a nice place. Just as long as it's in a metal building of some sort, with a really difficult to get to front door. You are a writer, and you do not need to be bothered with the riff-raff that want to constantly come calling; begging for autographs and a moment of your time.
If you picked the woods, then you need to find a nice cabin, or country cottage. Either will do so long as it's small, has a pond or other type of water nearby, and a place where you can scream your lungs out from sheer boredom when the mood strikes you.
This place is your sanctuary from the world. This is where you will go beyond being just a writer. It's where you will go on to become legend! Every book, short story, tract or pamphlet will be written from your old typewriter in this location. It's the nerve and nexus of your imagination, and nothing should be able to interfere with your creative outlet.
Make sure that your new home is either miles from the nearest person, or if in the city, that you do not interact with anyone. Your mail is dropped into a box in the building (no meeting and chatting up the postal worker). You never go out for your groceries; someone either buys them for you and they leave them on your doorstep, or you make all your purchases from magazines. If you live in the urbs, you CAN have internet; but not if you live in the woods. So keep that in mind when deciding what sort of legendary writer you are going to finally morph into.
Writers never publish often
Last but not least. Be sure that regardless of what you write, or rather, no matter how prolific you are at writing, be sure and never publish your works too closely together. A gap of five to ten years is a good start. Though the older and more reclusive you become, you may want to consider something lengthier, say fifteen to twenty.
If at all possible, begin your life's work early on, and write on it for about forty years. Try your best to time its completion at just before the moment of your death. The last thing you want is for your estate to get some asshole to finish the last few chapters of your greatest masterpiece. Or, if you are running out of time, leave a crap-ton of notes and commentary behind so that if you fail to finish it before you croak, anyone of reasonable skill could complete it per your own heavily detailed information.
When on your death bed be sure and talk crazy talk, bring up the past and mention that first story that made you famous. Remember briefly how a two thousand word fan fiction was the start of it all, and then sputter some random phrase like obnoxious demarcate as your last and final words. Then go on to pony paradise and be with Luna.
I shall, fair maiden. I shall...
This whole thing seems like sarcasm...
Is it?