A dedication to nitpicking - The life of Dash Drawer Part 1

I...I don't know what to say.

Original story is here; http://www.fimfiction.net/story/214047/the-life-of-dash-drawer

Alright, after school has passed.
Your story is due.

First off, the descriptions!
Short -

A story about my oc Dash Drawer and her journey threw life

First off, wrong through.
secondly, don't say its your OC.
Thirdly, never EVER have some weird special kind of relation to a character from the series.
Okay. I gave those a minute to think up of, I won't bother putting much up with it.
Next,
Long -

Dash Drawer or Dash as her friends calls her is a Pegasus pony that lives her life. Yust like anypony Else. But when her father dies. She desides to become a royal guard yust like him. But it isnt that easy and it also have some Sacrifices. Her real life starts that day she goes to canterlot. Where her life Will change forever..
(This is my first story so...)

First, and most noticeable of ALL; your grammar. How the HERP do you call JUST "YUST" every time?
Secondly, this whole "relationship to the show's main cast" deal again. They call her DASH?
Thirdly, your rate of commas, periods, and even your CAPITALIZATION is awful. The rate is either too low or too high.
Last off; it does not matter if its your first story. First stories can be AMAZING sometimes, or even okay. Just by looking at the front page of the description, I can already tell this is gonna be faaaaaaaaaaaantastic.
But, I will give you a bonus point.
Because that picture is pretty nice, (if you actually drew it yourself.)

Now, time for the story.
-Side Note-
Because this story is pretty short, I'm gonna nitpick these sentences out of existence.
Each and every single one.

Last day of school is always the slowleyest day in school. Once this day was over i never had to Put my hoof here again. But it was one lesson left until school was over for life and i could get my exam.

Grammar - Slowleyest; slowest - Put; put - i - I
I gotta...I just gotta gush.
HOW IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA DO YOU SPELL SLOWEST AS SLOWLEYEST. THIS IS THE FIRST SENTENCE IN THE WHOLE STORY. HOW DO YOU SPELL THIS WRONG IN THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE WHOLE STORY.
I'm sorry, just...
Can't get angry like that over everything but that is the first "paragraph" in the whole story.
Moving on!

The clock was ticking slowley the teacher where talking and talking and talking. I stared at the clock. It was 15 minutest left but it feelt like 15 hours of boredom. I was sitting there in the middle of the classroom waiting. I looked around me. Evrypony seemed to feel the same way as i did. Beside Derpy who was playing with her pencil. I looked beside me where Rainbowdash and Gilda where sitting. Rainbowdash was sleeping and Gilda was Throwing paper planes.

You know what? I'm just gonna rewrite the whole goddamn sentence because this is just...
NO.
The clock was ticking slowly, and the teacher wouldn't stop talking. I checked the clock; 15 minutes left. But those 15 minutes felt like hours. I looked around; everypony seemed to have the exact same thoughts as I did. Even Derpy; so bored that she began to play with her pencil. I checked behind me and saw Rainbow Dash and Gilda. Rainbow was sleeping and Gilda threw paper planes around.
That took me about 1 minute to think of.

"Oh god!!"'i Said and layed my head in the book.
"Dash Drawer did you say anything?" The teacher asked me
"What. Uuuhh no..yes no i mean no." I answerd nervusly.
"Well then. Can you answer my question?"
"I... Uhhh. Yeah?"

...
Oh Celestia, I, said, and slammed my head into my book,
Dash Drawer, (with a comma,) asked me.,
What?, I, nervously,
This, so far, is the best part of the story.

"Can you name all the elements of harmony?"
"Magic,loyalty...., uhh.. Honestly.... Uuuuhhhhh....."
I was getting nervous i havent been studing the elements that much.
"And..." The teacher said
"And... Uhh." I Said
Suddenly a mare with big glases in front of me standed up and said:
"Laughter,kiddnes and generosity."
"Very good! Well as i Said...." The teacher Said and contiuned with the lesson.
"That girl was my saver." I Said to myself.
It was 5 minutests left of the lesson and i was staring at the clock all time.
"Come on."

...
You know what?
I'm gonna be honest.
Like...I'm so lost all of a sudden.
Okay, so Dash Drawer is in a class with Rainbow Dash, Gilda and Derpy.
FIRST OF ALL.
Why are they there?
You clearly said IN THE TEXT;

[Can you name all the elements of harmony?

Did ponies know Rainbow was the Element of Loyalty while she was in school with Gilda; before Season 1's debut?
No.
'Nuff said.
I don't even wanna pick apart this...its too painful, somebody go get me a pillow...

But it took longer then i thought so while i was waiting i was drawing on the table and playing with my light blue mane with white loops at the end of it.
My fur was dark blue. I had white hooves and 3 white stripes on my wings and black gloves with a hole in the middle.

Okay, I took a look at these four lines.
Okay, you know what enough with the grammar unless there's like 20 mistakes in 5 lines I'm not gonna pick that many off.
Alright, end of line 2;

playing with my light blue mane with white loops at the end of it.

Now, I'm thoroughly confused.
Why tell everyone what you look like now?
Why not at the beginning?
Same thing with lines 3 and 4!

My blue i eyes was tired now. I wanted to end school now. Suddenly i heard the clock and evrypony ran out of the class room. ponies thronged to get through the door and out the get out exam which i think none cared about.
After i had get mine. I met my mum outside school.
"HI MUM!! I got my exam!!!"

Uh-uh-uhm...H-h-how far are we? Halfway.
Alright, gotta calm down...
We do not care if your "blue eyes" were tired. Only that you were tired.

Ponies thronged to get through the door and get out

Did...did you just use a really advanced word in a correct spelling and way?!

I-I won't pick through the rest.

But the white Pegasus with blue mane i met wasnt happy. She was almost crying.
"Mum? What is it? Why are you crying?"
"Your father is... Is.."
"What mum?"
"Dead..." Mum Said and started to cry even more,

She had a blue mane, alright. You could have put more description on it. You just said;

But the white Pegasus with blue mane i met wasnt happy.

You are talking about your mum like she is a complete stranger.
Alright, 4 sentences with no errors?!
I'm gonna question this though;
Did Dash's Dad die RIGHT as she got out of school? I mean, it's the last day for school, exams, sure.
But I'm PRETTY sure that your families deaths are more important than a school test.

"WHAT?! How mum how?!?" I alsomst screamed saddly.
"You know he is a guard honey in canterlot and he got killed by a pony that was trying to break into the castel."
I started to cry. I couldnt belive it, my father was dead and i never got say good bye.. I started to Hug mum and i was crying and crying with all my mind. This day first turn out good, i was getting my exam and.. Now my father is dead.
We started to go home and i promised myself to be like my father to take his place in canterlot. To become a guard yust like him. I wanted to make him proud. To give him peace. I wanted to find the murder and take my revenge.

You almost screamed sadly? So are you telling me you felt pretty regular when your dad died?
So, if I can translate next line;
Some pony broke in and killed him?
Now you feel sad, cry, and...no I can't make fun of this. You fail on the day of your exam, and to add insult to injury your dad dies.
You adding the goodbye bit was pretty nice too.
...Wait, it didn't say you failed your exam?
Oh uhm, NEVERMIND....
Now the next 3 lines sort of ruin it for me...
You decided to be a guard because...you wanted to find the pony who killed your father?
Lets think about this on a mathematical level, alright?
There are over most likely hundreds of thousands of ponies.
You want to find one that broke in to Canterlot Castle.
You want to find the specific one that killed your father.
First off, how are you gonna know who it is? You're a pegasus, not a unicorn.
Secondly, what's the chances you'll bump into the pony that killed your father? I mean, like, think about it...he most likely will never return.
Lastly, you want revenge.
I don't think Celestia is gonna permit that...even if he did take your father.

A few days later we went to his funeral. I Walked to his chest and Said.
"I love you daddy.. I Will become a guard yust like you dad... I wish i could say good bye.. But pleas dont leave me.." I Said and was crying.
I Walked back to my mum.
"He has always been proud of you" she said "always"

Alright, if you spelled this correctly, this could have been FAAAAAAAAAAANTAAAAAAAAASTIC.
Trust me on that one.

That was chapter one.
Now, the second one...
I...I think I'm gonna wait until tomorrow...