Equestria's Miscellaneous and Pointless Bits of Data as Recollected by Canterlot's Archive · 3:21am Sep 1st, 2014
· Twilight Velvet (Twilight Sparkle's mom) is a writer, but she's definitely not doing it for the art. She doesn't really care about the money either, to be honest. And nopony really knows what her cutie mark means (I mean, seriously. Three stars? That has to be the blandest cutie mark ever), so it's not like writing is her talent. She doesn't even like it that much, let's be honest. We would love to ask her why is she a writer, but she's too busy writing to answer our questions.
· Night Light (Twilight Sparkle's father) doesn't have a job. Not like he wants one anyway.
· When you talk about "Guards", you talk about Canterlot's Royal Guards. When you talk about "guards", you're talking about everypony else who works on guarding stuff. If you talk about guars, you're probably talking about cyamopsis psoraloides and are probably either a botanist or a nerd. Either way, somepony's gonna break your glasses at some point.
· Nopony ever talks about Applejack's parents; they just assume they're dead. That includes the Apple Family, and as a result, the Apple Family Reunion in which they finally decided to appear for no reason whatsoever was kind of awkward. It's hard to talk with somepony whose inheritance you already spent. Fortunately, their sudden nondeadness was easy to solve: they just needed an axe, a lil' bit of rope, a shovel, a clear patch in one of the fields, and a promise never to speak about it ever again.
· The Cutie Mark Crusaders' special talents are painfully obvious, but nopony is ever going to tell them so because everypony needs to be a jerk now and then, and little kids are the perfect target, let's be honest.
· The actual Equestrian word for "niece" is surprisingly similar to the ancient word for "dessert". Luna was quite surprised when she met Cadance for the first time and it turned out she wasn't made of eggs, milk, flour, sugar, and butter. She tried to eat her anyway, because Luna's nopony to ditch modern cuisine away. Celestia still laughs about it. Cadence still has nightmares. Shining Armor still wonders if the whole deal arousing him is good or bad.
· One of the best philosophers Equestria ever had was actually a pig. Had an early death due to the fact he was always smoking his back out, tho. Francis Bacon, he was named.
· There's a perfectly good and logical reason why ponies keep obviously intelligent races like cows or sheep as slaves. They're jerks. See the Cutie Mark Crusaders' entry for more information.
· Silver Spoon's special talent is never to starve. Diamond Tiara's is never to be hatless. This is quite convenient for Silver Spoon. Whenever she runs into monetary problems, she just eats one of her best friends' hats.
· Celestia's special talent is not to raise the sun. Everypony with enough magic power can do that. Her special talent is to be hot. And kind of radioactive, too.
· Likewise, Luna's special talent is to make little children believe she's made of cheese and attract wolves.
· Spike doesn't have wings because Twilight already fills the winged-librarian-in-Ponyville quota. Contrary to what some ponies believe, the Pony Universe likes its things to be as organized and logical as possible, thank you very much.
· Related to that last point, the Pony Universe doesn't have enthropy. They have chaos. The difference is that chaos is more spicy and has kind of an aftertaste.
· Fancy Pants doesn't wear pants because he doesn't believe in fate. Also he thinks his buttocks are too great to be hidden under trousers. Mostly the fate thing, tho.
· Rarity drinks tea seven times a day. She's the only known pony elegant enough to lift her pinky while doing so, which is a great feat when you have hooves. The trick is to ask her first and giving her a balloon or something so she's entertained while being raised.
· Soarin is such a good flier because he's too dumb to realize he's ignoring the laws of physics. Also because they tell him he'll have pie if he finishes the race first.
· Discord is not Celestia's opposite. He's the archnemesis of the Tree of Harmony. Which kind of explains why he's such a jerk: you try to hold a healthy cycle of reprisal and retaliaton for a couple millenia with a thing whose only worries are A) how to properly photosynthezise the light on his cave and B) how to properly photosynthesize the light on his cave a little bit more, and then you'll see what we mean.
· The Canterlot Archive has a lot of free time. Like. Seriously. Gosh.
Someone's been reading Terry Pratchett a lot lately, as you can see. Also I haven't slept for thirty hours. And I just finished a 11k words long chapter for that heist fic I'm always talking about. So, uh, excuse the pointlessness. I had to relax a little somehow, y'see.
O-oh.
Okay then.
That is hysterically awesome.
If this is how you relax, I am perfectly fine with that.
This makes so much sense and not any at the same time.
Seriously, fuck you.
Holy shit. How many chapters long is this heist fic shaping up to be?
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'Round seven-eight chapters, I believe. The 11k one is number five.
i.imgur.com/D1sE2ta.png
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You loved that part, didn't you. It was one of those ideas that sadly never made it to a fic. Maybe one day, tho, as a background joke...
2418830 Hang on! Are you...Dave Barry in real life? Because you sound like him.
Wrt keeping sheep:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/6/26/21285.jpg
Kinda obvious.
When Discord first faced Celestia, what did he do? Why, spread some seeds meant to attack the tree, and trick Celestia into removing the elements so the Tree of Harmony would be weakened, of course
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I'm guessing that's not the average length of a chapter.
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Average is about 6-8k, if I remember correctly. I'm expecting something like 50k as a whole. Chapter Five got out of hand due to a lot of shit happening in it. Dunno if I'll split it in two before posting -- the proofreaders will have a word in there, I guess?
There is an amazing story in there.
Ahhh, nothing like a good chuckle in the morning before a boring maths lecture.
Bravo.
--Sollace
All of these are great. Please write a story where they all come true.
Funny stuff. We need to force-feed you Pratchett and keep you up for two days straight more often.
Which Rarity is sure to attest to.
But I have to say I do resent that one of Soarin'.